and if elected, i promise to do stuff that you want me to do

seeing that another Democratic

congressman

is going to prison for fraud

and perjury,

i decide to run

for

congress and fill that seat,

so i ask my friends

and family

for some

good talking points, some

cliches

that i can use

during my campaign.

i don't really have any understanding

of how

government works,

or any idea

about how to solve problems,

but i'm willing

to try

after watching youtube videos

all day.

i begin to write my first speech

with my peeps

around me,

starting off with

let me make this perfectly clear,

if elected

i promise to do some of the stuff you want

me to do,

but i get stuck

and can't think of anything

else to say.

someone whispers in my ear,

i am for

law and order, but

not prisons. no matter how long

the lines are and how

lame the care is, i want free

healthcare for all.

i will spend the next four years

figuring out

exactly what a woman is.

i will tirelessly

gather the best and brightest

biologists

and professors

in the nation

to study this issue and at last

get a clear definition

of what a woman is.

my staff giggles and slap

me on the back as i continue

to write.

we need change.

mistakes have been made,

i am here

to talk about bread and butter

issues

and affordability.

America is at a crossroads,

we must

focus on

getting rid of the rich.

we must eliminate the idea

that people

can make as much money as they want.

no longer will anyone be allowed

to own more

than one house.

it's the economy, stupid.

make love, not war.

my mother cringes and says no,

so i cross that out.

we need to turn the page.

we need to be unburdened by

what has been.

they all look at me funny and ask

if i've been drinking.

we're no longer going to kick

that can

down the road,

we're going to deposit it into

the first

trash receptacle that we find.

we will tear down those

border walls

and put down welcome mats,

with cold beverages

and snacks for everyone who enters.

now let's roll

up our sleeves

and get to work.

if the homeless need a house,

we will

build them one,

for free,

drug addicts need needles

and crack pipes,

rolling papers and alcohol wipes,

lazy people who

don't work, need money

to live off of.

we did not just fall out of a 

coconut tree, did we?

now all together,

chant after me,

yes, we can. yes, we can.

we will raise taxes and make

everything you

can think of or need,

free.

anything else? i ask my enthusiastic

staff.

how about,

God bless our troops and our

men and women in blue?

my secretary, Amy, says, nah,

leave that out.

try not to mention God, or Jesus, okay?

we need the Muslim and atheist

vote too.