Tuesday, January 31, 2023

taking a mulligan on the 18th hole

is it too late
to have a do over,
to have
another wife, another child,
another
occupation, another
life?
has the clock run out
on those
scenarios.
i want to take a mulligan
on all of it,
if that's okay
with you.
i want to put the ball back
onto the tee
and play another round.
come on, 
grab your clubs,
let's play through.

who is this?

who are these
people, these numbers without
names
cluttering your phone.
old connections
long forgotten.
why do they send you
Christmas greetings, or
happy birthday
emojis,
pictures of the vacation
they're on?
who are they?
friends, relatives?
who knows,
but they are strangers now
about
to be deleted
and long gone.

those morning people

it's the morning person
you have
to worry about.
they're so enthused about
the day
ahead of them,
and they haven't even
had their first cup of joe.
they jump out bed
with a good morning smile,
and hit the floor running.
what's wrong with them?
they have to go.

Ethiopian food

variety
is fine. the spice of life,
as they say.
but
once you know what
you like,
it's best to stick with it.
when i venture
out of my
comfort zone,
i'm usually on the bathroom
floor
that night,
paying dearly
for taking another persons
culinary advice.

flocking south

i see the flock
of boomers
winging their way to warmer
climates,
to southern states,
to the orange groves
they go.
stretching out
beneath the sun
and palm
trees,
lying there in old
age,
staring at
the languid blue
wash of sea. pretending
that it's not over.
the life
before them a distant
and fading
memory.

nothing that you want

so much
is image, the sheen,
the shine,
the glitter,
the bright colored
clothes,
and smile,
the good wine.
so much
is presentation
and 
gloss.
but once you know
them
you see the truth,
there's nothing
below
the surface,
nothing that you want.

captain of the cheerleaders

she told me on the phone
that she still
fit into her high school
cheerleader
uniform,
at the age of 58,
and that she could put
her legs behind her head,
still limber
and full of cheer.
despite her old and blurry
photos, this intrigued me,
i encouraged her to make
the drive from Cleveland
to my house, a thousand
miles away.
of course it didn't work out.
we all make mistakes.

no more agains

she tried
to bury her heartbreak
in books,
in flowers, in
baking.
she knitted
and sewed, she
walked
the lake.
she found wine
helped too.
but she wanted to
be alone.
done with the world.
done with love
and men.
the fairytale she learned
as a child
was over.
she stayed at home
behind closed doors..
there would be
no more
agains.

when life was easy

the bird feeder
full
of red winged black
birds,
yellow
hummingbirds,
and blue jays
on the fence
waiting their turn.
the grey
squirrels on the ground
scavenging what
falls.
in come cardinals,
and pigeons, sparrows
and gulls.
it's crazy how much
they eat.
another five pounds
of seed,
another week.
will they come when
i take it
down.
will they remember
life
so easy. not unlike us,
most won't.

sharpen the blade

there is honesty
and then there is honesty.
we bite our
tongues,
we're careful with
words,
we walk on eggshells
trying hard
not to disturb
someone's image of
themselves.
but there are times when
you need to sharpen
the blade
and cut, and reveal
the truth
that lies below
the charade.

the skull in the woods

in the middle
of the path, deep into the woods,
where
i prefer to walk,
muddy
and rough, trees
having fallen
along
the way, i see a white
stone
like skull
lying
against the moss.
a perfectly
cleaned head of some
small animal.
whether raccoon or
fox,
i don't have a clue.
i stop for a moment to
study
the whiteness of it,
the pristine
bone,
the empty shell of what
life was.
then i move on.

Monday, January 30, 2023

it's middle years

the beginnings and endings
are all pretty much
the same.
it's that damn middle
that keeps
us up at night.
what to do with all
that time,
from youth until
old age.
so many choices
to decide,
so many different roads
to take.
yours, no doubt,
will different than mine.

the carrot dangling

who doesn't have
a carrot
dangling just out of reach.
whether
goods,
or gold,
love, or some
dream.
who isn't trying 
to make their world
right with
that elusive bite
swinging so close and
and yet
so far away,

no, not anymore

do i need another's storm
that brews
within
the walls
of who they are
and where
they've come from.
do i need
that drama, that wind,
that flood
and fire?
no,
not anymore.

sweet sorrow

it's more
about leaving, than it is
arrivals.
the bittersweet
changes
we endure
shades whatever light
came with
the new
home, the new
life
with a loved one.
indeed, parting,
is such sweet
sorrow.

what the universe says

Jimmy calls me,
he's thinking about retiring
finally
from his job down at the Ford
motor plant
where he attaches
fenders with a riveting gun.
i've got enough saved up,
he says,
the divorce didn't hurt
me too bad,
and the kids are gone.
other than my mortgage,
food, clothing, drink
and electricity, i'm good.
oh and the vet bills for the cat.
so do it, i tell him.
retire and take it easy.
but then what, he says.
how do i fill the day without
work?
i see these guys walking around
the mall in their sweat pants,
or down at the lake
feeding bread to the ducks
and i want to shoot myself in the head.
i'm not the kind of guy
who buys a Winnebago
and goes to the grand canyon.
i just feel like it's over
if i quit my job.
i hate fishing, i don't play golf,
and most of my life long
friends, except you, are dead.
any suggestions?
yeah, keep working.
the universe will tell you when
to quit.


pardon, garcon, garcon

she calls me
from Paris, i hear her
ring
tapping
her cup of tea,
her bracelet
tinkling against porcelain.
there's soft chatter in
the background,
i hear her say, garcon,
garcon,
sil vous plait. more tea
and another croissant,
i'm on the left
Banke, she whispers
in her newly
developed accent.
i wish you were here.
it's so lovely
and romantic, 
you'd love it, mon ami.
so what are you doing"
she says,
thanking the waiter
with a flurry of mercies.
tell me about you, enough
about me.
oh me,
i'm at the paint
store i tell her, buying
a gallon of paint
and some spackle.

dramatic pauses

it's good to
have a dramatic
exit
or entrance,
the slamming of a door
is quite effective,
or throwing
a cup
or plate across the room.
the fist pounded
against the table,
the foot
stamping the floor,
all good,
but sometimes silence
is best,
along with the one
raised eyebrow
and a wry smile.

give me an hour

it's too early for talking,
too early
for a discussion,
too early
for nearly everything,
but coffee.
give me an hour to collect
my thoughts,
some time
to sit alone and sip
my drink.
i'll be on the back porch,
come 
and find me
in a little while,
then we can decide
what to do with the rest
of our life.

Sunday, January 29, 2023

you get used to crazy

when i find
you again
in the darkened room,
curled
in a fetal position,
with make up
running down
your face,
from dry less tears.
rocking back and forth
in madness,
pulling at your hair,
i ask you, kindly,
are you having any
dinner tonight?
my dear.

no flowers

as another
birthday approaches,
i wince,
i laugh, i smile.
again, really?
okay. but
let's keep it on
the down
low,
maybe a slice of cake.
no gifts,
no cards,
no flowers.
let's make love,
let's lie
in the sun.
let's pretend that 
there is no
end.
just more months,
more years, 
more hours.

bad memories

i almost go to church
this morning.
almost,
but not quite.
i pull into the lot
and stare
at the building filling
up with the regulars.
i wait, i wait.
but something isn't
right.
the bad taste in my
mouth, hasn't quite left.

find a chair and sit down

there's always more to learn,
more books
to read,
film to watch.
more words to absorb,
more knowledge
to acquire, so much
yet to be learned
you do your best to have
it trickle in
to the already crowded
rooms of your mind.
you tell it to
find a chair,
a wall to lean on, a bed
to stretch out on.
let it come, let it flow,
and yes,
there are things
that you will learn again.
come on in,
my trusted old friends.

the history of windows

the window
man
settles into my house
with his
notebooks and diagrams,
his plans,
his choices for me to look
at. he's wearing
loafers, which he slips off.
a bad sign.
i put on a large pot
of coffee.
i only have seven windows
to be replaced,
but the price
varies
from twenty thousand
to six thousand dollars.
i don't understand
the variance, so he explains.
tells me the story of the first
window they found
in a cave
in northern Africa.
some guy's wife gave him
the idea, saying
to her husband,
we need a view and some
air in here. so the cave guy
took a sledge hammer
and banged out an opening
in the side of the cave.
voila, the first window.
i nod and say, hmmm.
interesting.
it's all about parts and labor,
materials used, he says.
the price has gone up because
of the supply chain,
the war,
and covid of course.
our company only uses 
the highest quality
steel, or vinyl, plastic and
space age polymers,
etc. etc.
it's a lot of mumbo
jumbo.
three hours go by.
finally he asks if i'd like
to see one of his windows.
i say yes.
exhausted.
he goes out to his car
to bring in a small window
that's in his trunk.
a display model.
he pulls the window up
and down, shows me how
to lock it, unlock it,
he demonstrates
how to pull it inside
so that they can be cleaned.
he takes out a small bottle
of windex and spays the window
then takes a handkerchief
to wipe it in small circles.
see he says.
state of the art.
i look out my old windows,
to the trees and stream,
the bare woods.
i feel the wind and cold
coming in through
the old glass and creases.
it's getting dark out.
where do i sign,
i ask him, broken and tired.
give me the middle priced
ones, i tell him.
are you sure, he says.
are you absolutely positive
you don't want to go with the
platinum windows.
no, give me the bronze, please.
the bronze.

an old man thing

i see the old
men
down at the construction site,
leaning on the wire
fence, watching
the building go up.
they're wearing hats
and gloves,
drinking coffee,
some smoking cigarettes
and pointing
at a crane moving
steel beams.
they are little kids again,
with Lincoln logs,
model cars
and planes.
Legos and what not.
it's an old man thing.

no parking on wednesday

when there's a parking
meter
i worry.
i try to decipher
the sign,
so many words,
restrictions,
varying days and times.
how long will i be here?
do i have
enough change
to see me through
two hours.
will i be towed,
will there be a ticket
on the windshield
when i return.
can i figure out how
to use
my credit card?
the sign says no parking
on Wednesday
between the hours
of nine a.m. and seven
p.m.
it's sixty thirty now,
should i wait?
should i go?
i don't know.

your legacy

people talk of leaving
behind
a legacy,
a bequest of some sort,
a remembrance
of love
and support, wisdom,
perhaps.
something
left behind
so that others can
remember
you by. crap.
most people can't 
remember
what they had for dinner
last night,
let alone you.

Saturday, January 28, 2023

the styrofoam box of leftovers

do i feel guilty about all
the food i throw
away on a daily basis,
yes, of course i do,
guilt is my go to emotion.
i was raised catholic and
pounded with the notion
that children in India
are starving.
my mother never left
the neighborhood, so
how would she know
what was going on in Delhi.
i just don't like leftovers,
whether i made them,
or they're from a restaurant.
the cost of the meal
makes no difference either.
i refuse to be seen
carrying half eaten food home
in a Styrofoam box
with steak and peas rolling
around, getting cold.
kung pao chicken,
the grease coagulating
into a fatty pudding.
the white rice
turned into glue.
maybe if i had a dog
waiting for me, i would.
but i don't have a dog.
and even then, i might
spare him too.

the bills unpaid

it's strange
how the further you get 
from
childhood,
the closer it is.
how you remember
in great detail,
those nights
and days,
words said, or unsaid.
love or neglect
adding up
on your internal
adding machine.
remembering
so many bills left
unpaid.

just two minor complaints

after the deal is done,
and i've
driven the new car home,
i look at my
phone and see
a few surveys that they
want me
to fill out, to tell them
how well they've done.
i give all the questions
five out of five stars.
everything was fine, but
i write in the comment
box, my only complaint
was that the gumball
machine in the waiting
room was out of gum,
and the coffee wasn't
French roast, Folgers?
really? let's step it up
next time.

the unregistered nurse

she was an
unregistered nurse,
but
i didn't care.
she looked good in
white.
her red cross hat
tilted on
her nest of brown hair,
the stethoscope
around her slender neck.
she knew
anatomy
like the back of her
hand.
she knew
how to smooth
down a bandage
and wrap
a wound.
she gave me CPR
whenever
i needed it.
mouth to mouth
resuscitation
too was one of her
attributes,
French style.
yes, oh yes, she
had a bedside manner
like no
registered nurse
i'd ever met.
unlicensed, but who
cared.
i was healed and healed
again,
she was the cure,
for whatever ailed me.


we almost made it

we almost
made it.
it was close, but
we almost
arrived
with everything
intact.
me and you.
you and me.
almost.
almost.
i'll remember that.

when we had a future

we used to talk
about the future when we
had one.
when the days
before us 
were much greater
than the ones
behind.
if we're lucky,
we'd say to blot
the jinx,
if we're lucky we'll be
healthy
and happy,
wealthy and wise,
maybe on a beach
somewhere.
lying beside
the blue ocean,
under a golden sky.

it can't be unsaid, but

everything said,
can't be unsaid,
but it can be forgotten
if you let it go.
if you open window
and toss it
out
like a paper airplane,
creased
and folded,
pointed,
sent by hand, away,
away,
in any direction,
east or west,
north or south.

hair

I get tired
of shaving.
dragging the razor
across my
face every other day.
those pesky hairs
strangely
growing like wires
out of my ears,
trimming
the nose hair,
the eyebrows.
what the hell is
happening here?
hair seems to be flourishing
everywhere except
on my head where
it used to be.
i'm a human shrub
that needs
constant care,
landscaping.
at least i don't
have to do my legs,
like a few women
i've known often do,
but not all.

the tofu chicken days

do i have a favorite
ex-mother in law,
not really.
they were all up to something.
whispering
in someone's ear
about what i should
be doing,
or not doing.
they weren't
necessarily evil like
their daughters,
but just on their side.
keeping secrets
with a smile.
we got along okay
for the holidays though,
i always passed
the salt shaker
when asked and praised
how delicious
the tofu was,
shaped into the form
of a chicken.

part time gahndis

i sigh
at the memes.
live for today, seize
the moment.
live in the now,
just breathe.
shut up.
stop.
when did the world
become
so full of new age
Gandhis.
part time, at best.

i recall love

as
she slips out
of clothes
in the shadows
saying
little,
just the sound
of shoes
upon
the floor, 
her head 
against the pillow,
turned away.
i recall love.
how it
was before.

out all night

i used to run
the river,
a five-mile trek along
the path.
paved and gravel,
some dirt,
some grass.
it was an easy run,
up
then back.
i was young,
i could run all day
if i wanted to.
the nights were
no different
too.

neither happy nor sad

the cat seems neither
happy
or sad,
just oblivious
and aloof,
neither full of kind
or unkind
intentions.
just self absorbed
in her own world,
not unlike you.

Friday, January 27, 2023

just say no

there was a time
when i used to do a lot
of things
i didn't want to do.
like go to church,
or to a party, or vote,
or shopping with
the ex-girlfriend or
wife,
standing outside
the dressing room,
holding a dress.
i'd go to the opera,
or watch a chick flick,
or go to some
march downtown,
because she wanted me to.
i used to eat calamari
when i didn't want it,
or beet soup.
i would always take
a taste, a sip.
i was compliant,
easy to get along with,
a pleasant fellow,
but things have
changed.
i've learned how to say no, 
to most of it.
i've sort of quit.

the longest day

do i dread going to the DMV
at 8 am,
that would be yes.
only the dentist
or the proctologist,
or dinner with
the ex's family
would be worse, a close
tie at best.
do i have all my paperwork,
my id's, my car
registration,
do i have money,
do i have a book to read.
am i prepared
for a long day.
no, but it has to be done.

what lies under the bed

when i pull
the bed back to paint the wall,
i have to move
a box
full of sex paraphernalia,
a fake gun,
a whip, wigs
of various colors.
clamps
and rope, handcuffs,
a leash,
a polaroid camera,
a plastic doll.
lingerie
for him and her,
tubes of lube, batteries
and mirrors,
a bottle of tequila,
half gone.
the woman of the
house is in the kitchen
baking cookies
for the church pot luck
on Sunday.
she's in the choir.
she yells back,
how's it going?
coffee is on.

more to the story

i see a man
in his bathrobe and slippers
chasing the trash truck
down the street
with a bag
of trash
in one hand,
the other hand waving,
as he yells,
wait for me.
on the porch is his wife,
hands on her hips,
curlers in her
hair, with a cup of coffee.
it's a story i'll never
get to the bottom of,
not that i want to.

birds of a feather

as your
circle of friends
and acquaintances diminish,
due to
a variety of reasons,
such as death
and divorce,
old age,
you look for some voice,
someone
to spar
with you, someone who
gets
whatever it is that you
get, that makes
you you.
when you were young,
such souls
were falling out of trees,
almost too many
birds of  feather,
were around you,
flapping their wings.

Thursday, January 26, 2023

too many hugs?

i've never
understood blue hair,
or pink,
or green, or someone
covered in tattoos
and piercings.
fish hooks dangling
from lips,
or nose,
or ears.
straight pins
through the eye brow.
i don't get it, never did
and never will.
when growing up 
it was mostly convicts
and sailors
with tattoos.
thugs and motorcycle gangs,
hookers.
now it's everyone, from
the sixty year
old grocery clerk,
to the teacher,
and the nun.
what are they saying
to the world at large?
look at me?
i'm somebody, or is it
a cry for help
of some sort.
not enough hugs as a child,
or too many?
perplexing.

i'm still mad at you

there was a girl
in high school, Janet,
we, meaning me, used to call
her Janet
from another planet.
she had
crazy hair,
and enormous glasses.
all bones,
knees and elbows.
piercing brown eyes.
six feet tall at the time.
she was the smartest person
i've ever known.
she went to MIT
and was runner up
in the Miss America contest.
i ran into her years later
at the grocery store
she was beautiful.
she looked at me
and smirked, and said.
don't talk to me,
i'm still mad at you.

three boxes of thin mints

i've got
a list. a long list.
i've laminated it
and taped
it to the refrigerator
door.
on it is my
plumber,
my
electrician,
my doctor
a lawyer (God help me)
a therapist,
a car salesman,
a priest,
Father Smith.
i got a guy who does
travel,
a woman
masseuse.
a barber named Zim.
an ENT
guy,
Brian in Delhi,
who can get me 
generic medicine.
i've got a mailman
who
knows my
business.
a nosy neighbor
with a kid, selling
girl scout cookies at my door
three boxes
of thin mints this year,
and one box
of those peanut butter
things.
she just took my order.

the farewell note

she wrote on the mirror
in blood red
lipstick,
i'm leaving you,
don't try to find me.
it's over.
i took half of everything,
which is only
fair.
you can have the dog,
i took the cat.
and by the way, take
the trash out,
it's Monday.
there's a bag in the cellar
too, fish
that's gone bad.

no, i don't want to do that

i could never be
an astronaut.
i don't like cramped areas,
having grown
up in a house
with seven kids
an assortment of cats
and dogs,
gerbils, crawfish, frogs,
chickens
and birds.
i need the wide open
spaces.
plus, if i was an astronaut,
in that uniform and helmet,
heading towards
the moon or mars,
how could i ever get 
to this itch on my back
with a wooden
spoon.

no breathing, please

i'm so careful
not to eat or drink 
in the new car.
how clean it is for now.
not a crumb,
or spill,
not a single cough drop
wrapper
to be found.
no mustard packs,
no newspapers,
or trash.
it's clean as a whistle
for now.
wipe your feet please
before you
get in, and don't
touch anything,
or breathe.

hot dogs on a stick

i tease her
about her love of camping,
her ventures
into the woods,
the mountains.
i make
fun of her tent,
her blow up mattress,
her
campfire,
her bug spray,
and bear
repellant.
i ask her about the snakes,
and the bugs,
the noisy
campers in the other
tent
beside hers.
talking politics.
i ask her if she's having
beans in
a can, for dinner?
hot dogs
on a stick.
are there ghost stories?
she tells me that drinking
helps
a lot.

he's still here

i see the obit
of one
of my favorite poets.
Charles Simic.
i had just bought his book.
the last book.
one of many
that i have on my shelf.
words
hardly do justice to
the dead.
he's not gone.
there are no tears,
but joy at what he left.
he's till here.
he's on the page,
his wit,
his compassion,
his absurd
twists.
his style and grace.
i'm glad we met.

the nutcracker suite

the first
thing i do at a large
gathering,
a party of some sort
is to find
the exit, the way out.
the red sign blinking,
the back door,
an open window.
i begin to sweat
as i smile politely 
and move like a ballet
dancer 
through the loud room, 
ready to pirouette
and leap
and be free
at the first opportunity.

Wednesday, January 25, 2023

the maid asleep

i find
the maid asleep in my bed
when i come
home from work.
i'm early.
very early.
nothing is finished.
the house is still dirty.
the dishes
are still in the sink,
the laundry
piled next to the washer.
obviously
she didn't expect me home
so soon.
i see a book i was
reading
next to her,
a cup of tea, now cold.
the tv is on mute.
the Spanish channel.
she looks so comfortable,
at peace,
so i don't wake her.
i leave.
i let her rest and sleep,
i can come back at five,
i tip toe down the
stairs and leave.

making bad choices

my friend, lulabelle
likes to rescue
animals
and people.
right now she has three
cats
and two dogs
that she got from 
the shelter
and some dude named Bill,
on the couch,
that she met
on Lastchance.com,
a dating
site
geared towards convicts
out on parole.
he's a good man,
she says.
he's just made bad choices
with firearms.

a better dog to take home

we went to get the dog
out of the dog pound
after he bolted from
the house without a collar
or a leash.
there he was in lock up
at the pound,
but in a cage
next to him, was a nicer
dog, cuter,
shorter fur, one that
didn't bark, or shed,
a happy dog, it's tail
wagging. friendly
and healthy.
while our dog shook
his matted head
and grumbled, saying
to himself
in dog speak,
about time. where
the hell have you people
been.
we had a choice to make.

the fragility of it all

there was a wobble
about
everything.
a fragility, a table with
an unsturdy leg,
the lampshade torn,
the door hinge loose.
every plate
had a chip, a crack
in every cup.
each board
in the floor had a squeak.
everything seemed
broken to some
degree, worn and 
overused.
even her.

Tuesday, January 24, 2023

i hate fish

we had different
notions
as to what was comfort
food.
for me it was always
meat and potatoes,
bread and milk.
a slice of pie.
but for her it involved
fish, just about
any kind of sea dwelling
fish, and maybe a
spoon full of sugar
free Sherbert
for dessert. but,
i hate fish.
the smell of it, the look
of it,
the sliminess of it.
save the fish.
leave them alone.

just driving around

when we drove
around in Breck's mother's
car,
a ford Fairlane,
i played the drums on the dashboard,
perry Herbert,
kept beat
in the back seat
snapping his fingers
and tapping
on the window
with his cigarette lighter,
while Jim Acs
whistled
using his bunker bottle
of beer as an instrument.
Breck controlled
the radio,
the sound and the station.
we all chipped in for gas
money,
as we cruised
the hood, always
circling back 
to McDonalds.
there might be
some chicks there at last.

innagodda da vida

we all have room
for improvement, despite
our age
and life experience.
despite 
being the old dogs
that we are.
there is always
something new we can
learn
and improve upon.
why just yesterday
i learned
the words
to an old song.

when the muse arrives

the muse
can be anyone,
anything.
it can be light or dark.
it can
be the wind.
an old lover,
a new spark.
the muse
arrives when least
expected.
she comes at night
or in the morning.
you never
when
she'll knock at
your door.
she comes
without warning.

getting the band back together

we get
the old band together.
which wasn't
really a band, but a bunch
of guys who
grew up
together.
we called Dave's wife Yoko,
because she
seemed to be
the reason we broke up.
but after
Yoko was gone,
we'd reunite
and go on tour, which
amounted to
drinking and eating,
watching games
together
and playing ball on
the big field
at the high school.

don't roll your eyes at me mister

don't roll your
eyes
at me, she'd say,
don't  laugh,
or smirk.
don't you dare
say something
sarcastic about what
i just said
or did.
she'd slam
the door
and i'd leave for work.
that's how the day
would start
off.
it was hard to go
home before dark,
so i'd wander around,
and drive,
perpetually lost.

starting from scratch

how can we not
take for granted, air and water.
food 
and shelter. it's always
been there
for us.
at times a struggle,
but it's been there.
it's hard to imagine
less, but it's divinely
possible. 
that the tables could
be turned
and once more you
start from scratch.
it's something
you've been aware of
that since birth.

french roast

coffee
is the last vice.
the hardest to give up.
sweets
were easy,
bread
and pasta too.
martinis were
a breeze to say
no to.
fast women,
i kicked to the curb,
bad friends
i disposed of,
but coffee, dear lord,
three cups
per day.
please help me.
it's the French roast
i love.

the atlas map

when lost,
i'd take out the heavy
atlas
map
from the trunk.
a book that weighed
twenty pounds,
at least.
i'd find the address
in the grids,
the numbered
pages,
like a bombardier
over Germany
during
one war or the other.
somehow
i'd find my way
with the dome light on.
squinting at the small
print on
the page.
checking my watch,
my coordinates,
then
off, ready to launch.

catered, with music

i put on my
dress shoes, my black suit.
my best
white shirt
and tie.
it's funeral time.
but thankfully
not mine.
we dress up for the dying
out of respect.
it's a formal affair.
catered, with music.
words will be said.
some tears
shed.
some laughter too.
someone will say he was
too young
to die.
someone else will say
that it doesn't look like
him,
lying there quietly.
it will be a long day.
longer nights
for those that loved him.
and then we move on.

Sunday, January 22, 2023

one bedroom apartment

i shiver
when i ride by the old apartment
complex.
the one bedroom
affair,
with a sliding back door.
it was all i could afford
back then.
the wind
and rain
leaking through
the thin glass and
gap
in the door.
the washer and dryer,
a small
stack
in the closet.
the neighbors above
and below
with their dogs and
children,
their meals and music,
their arguments
all coming
down into my ears
and nose.
seems like yesterday,
when i was there,
despite being so long
ago.
but i was thankful,
grateful.
for back then it was 
a castle, it was home,
it was gold.

she's finally coming around

so what have we learned,
i ask
my therapist
when she points at the clock,
and says
time's up.
what have learned today,
i say again,
writing out the check
for two hundred dollars.
she giggles
and says, oh you.
finally, i think she's beginning
to open up,
laugh a little, relax
in her chair
and unfold her defensive
arms.
she seems to be finding
joy again
in what she does,
and to stop thinking that the
world has gone
to hell in a basket,
whatever that means.

the polar bear plunge

i let out a loud
yelp
when i climb into the cold
shower
in the morning.
especially in
the winter when the pipes
are iced. it's
my own personal version
of the polar bear
plunge.
it wakes me up, kick
starts the day.
send chills
down my spine.
things can only get
better from
there on out.

duct tape and screws

so much
depends on duct tape
and glue.
needle
and thread.
spackle.
hammers and nails.
screws.
forgiveness comes in
handy too.
it's a life of mending.
of fixing
what we can
so that it can still
be of use.

family grievances

my uncle
and his brother didn't talk
to each other
for forty years,
then they died.
my sisters
and brothers have
the same
disease.
holding grudges seems
to run in the family.
my father,
my son,
my cousins, each snubbing
one another
for no good reason,
to some degree.
most can't even remember
or explain
why they
disappear and ghost one
another.
you shake your head
and wonder,
why some stay and some
leave.
such is family, an enduring
mystery.

classified documents

i'm more concerned
about
the unclassified documents
that are under
the president's bed,
or hidden
in the closet
beneath dirty laundry.
what's he reading,
what's he hiding.
what magazines
or books does he consume
before the lights
go out.
who cares about the rest.
the nuclear codes,
the hidden
treasure map
where he goes when
all bets are off.
it's just black ink,
redacted or otherwise.
what or who was
under washington's bed,
or lincoln,
or kennedy,
best not go there.
times were so much more
exciting
back then.

chicken or the egg

chickens
confuse me, how can they
lay eggs
without
becoming pregnant
by a rooster.
how does this work?
what if humans
were
coming out
non-stop without
insemination?
if i buy
a chicken for the back
yard,
do i need a rooster too
or will
the eggs keep
popping out endlessly?
i need to google this.
or call
Jimbo,
my farmer friend
in West Virginia.

we're even now

if you do this favor for me,
i'll owe you one,
she says.
let's keep this relationship
transactional.
tit for tat,
so to speak.
let's keep it even.
i'll pay you back 
so that i don't owe you,
and you don't owe me.
so who's turn
is it
to pay for dinner
this time?

let's stay home

i bend
the shade to peek
outside.
good,
it's raining.
it's cold, it's grey.
look at the wind
pulling
at the trees.
no need
to go out in this
weather.
let's stay home,
okay?
i'm pleased.

the kid in her

she likes
to ride the rollercoaster.
i prefer
the bench
with  a drink in hand,
and a pretzel
with mustard.
i'll wait here.
have fun, i tell her
as she climbs aboard,
ready to scream
and
fly around.
her hair in a tizzy
as the ride takes her
up and down.
i love the kid
in her.
but i like my feet
on the ground.

scraping gum off the shoe

i set aside
some time to scrape the gum
off of my
shoe.
once bright pink
and soft,
now a solid grey
cold wad
of goo.
i get out the scissors
and an old
knife,
a razor blade,
some solvent
and a rag.
it's been a long time
coming, but
it's time
to get rid of you.

back on earth

when i went
off
my trolley for a while,
it
was a strange time.
lost in the funhouse.
spinning
out of control
on an emotional 
rollercoaster,
i was never sure if
i was up
or down, or just
floating in space.
and then you came along
with your
calm presence,
your rational thinking,
and tethered me
back to the ground.

the lost and found box

the lost and found
box
is full.
i need another box
for the new
year.
stop by sometime and see
what's in it.
shoes,
gloves, glasses.
hats
and scarves.
a bra,
size extra large.
breath mints
and gum.
a map of the hollywood
stars.
three fountain
pens,
and keys to an old
blue car
that would never start.

Saturday, January 21, 2023

business is booming

i see that the lawyer across
the street
where the big houses are,
has a new
Mercedes Benz.
black with tinted windows.
he's a divorce lawyer.
i wave to him
when i see him come out
of the house
with his new girlfriend
a buxom blonde,
with giant earrings.
she's wearing a lone ranger
mask over her eyes.
how's it going, Marvin,
i yell out.
great he says.
after the covid lock down
business is booming.
are you good, need my help?
nah, i'm good.
very good. i hold up my
hand to show
him my ringless finger.
come on, he laughs.
you're taking food out of
my mouth.
you're overdue for another
one.
i give him the one finger
salute,
which makes him laugh
even harder.
that Marvin!

you thought i had donuts?

for most of your life
you've been
a law abiding citizen,
but  a wise guy too.
you can't help but open
your mouth to
make a humorous
observation,
a wise crack
about something.
so when the cop pulls
you over
and asks you
if you know why
he's pulled you over,
and you say,
because you thought i
had some donuts,
you know immediately
that it was probably
not a smart thing 
to say.
this is followed by
him telling to you step
out of the car
and put your hands
behind your back.

let's go hiking

it's not really a hike,
it's more of a walk
through
the woods, behind
the mall,
but if you want to call it
a hike,
i'm okay with that
as long as there is coffee
at the end of it.
do i have to wear
camouflage
like you, boots,
and bring binoculars?
it's only a mile,
right?
oh look, there's a bird.
take a picture.

the best teachers had paddles

i remember when
teachers
were allowed to smack kids
around a little
with a wooden paddle.
the bullies
and the miscreants
who shook
up the class with their
clown show
antics.
my geometry teacher,
mister Ritter,
once grabbed
a kid by the neck
and shook him like a
chicken
in the barnyard,
lifting him off his feet,
turning his face red.
it was the most well
behaved class
after that.

potent little globules

i believe in germs
now.
microbes,
itsy bitsy
potent
little globules floating
in space
waiting to latch
onto
your lips
or hands to make
you ill by sliding
into your
personal eco system
called lungs.
so no,
you can't have a sip
of my
drink,
and sorry, no kissing
either.
three feet please.

the black plague

it was nice
of you to not bother me while
i was sick
with a fever,
sore throat,
aches and pains,
the chills,
and hallucinations.
i was unconscious for
a while,
dreaming of the ocean,
but not to worry.
what doesn't kill
you makes you
stronger.
or so they say.
i'm back, back in the game.


sign here and here and here and here

my hand
has cramped from signing my name.
my
john hancock
as they say.
initialing
things
i don't read
because the print is so
small.
i could be signing
my soul over to the devil,
or to an ex
wife.
i just want out.
i want to leave.
sign here.
sign here.
initial there.
yes, i want a printed
copy,
no, please.
no need for a flash drive,
or more emails
with pdf files.
please.

major tom to ground control

i've landed in the future
with
this
new car.
so many things to learn.
i remember
the stick shift.
the pedals,
the clutch,
i rolled the windows
down by hand.
i turned the radio on
with a twist
of one dial.
pushing buttons
for the stations.
the heat was a vent,
up or down.
hot or cold.
i'm in a space capsule
now.
touch screens,
and voices
in my head telling me
what's right
what's wrong.
which direction to go.
bells are ringing,
gages fluttering. i'm 
floating in space.
major tom,
major tom.
to ground control.

Friday, January 20, 2023

come on over, but call first

i take
the sign down
off the front door.
the go away sign.
busy.
occupied,
no solicitors,
no venders.
i roll up the
you're not welcome
mat
and put it in the basement.
i'm taking visitors again.
i flip on the green
light that blinks,
vacancy.
rooms available.
heart now open.
it's been that
kind of winter. a long
lonely winter.
please, pop on over
when you can,
but
call first.

piano legs

when she was a young
girl
her mother told
her that she had piano legs,
and that
she was going to have a hard
time finding
a man to marry
with legs like that.
she's telling me
this as we lie in bed, after
making
love for the seventh
time in three
days.
i love your legs, i tell
her. especially
when you put on those
stiletto heels.
they're marvelous.
but she's crying. still hurt
by what her mother said,
fifty years ago.

out the door price

the car salesman
calls
excitedly,
we have your car, he says.
come on in.
we're waiting for you.
my spider
sense begins to tingle
when i ask
him what the new
out the door price is.
tags, title, taxes
and whatever.
pretend you're selling
a rib eye steak,
i tell him.
tell me what the price is
before i put it in
the cart
and head to check out.
i don't have that paper
work in front of me,
he tells me.
but good news, great
news.
at last we have the car
you've been waiting for.
we're so happy
for you.
i don't pop the champagne
just yet.
i say a little prayer
and head over.

make it festive

sometimes the day
is like
a ball of Christmas lights
stuck
in the box
high on the basement
shelf.
you can't untangle
them.
there's no rhyme or reason
to the mess.
so you give
up
and find the socket.
you plug them in.
it's the best you can do
for now.
make it festive.

Thursday, January 19, 2023

adam and eve in the kitchen

i had a girlfriend
once
who liked to have a
naked day.
that's right, you heard
me right.
she wanted to have
one day a month
where we didn't wear
clothes around the house.
we were bare naked
the whole day
like adam and eve
in the garden of eden.
she was a giant
cup of crazy.
i finally got her to
compromise
with an apron when
we were in
the kitchen, close
to knives and the stove.

she was busy

my mother
had her hobbies.
she liked playing gin
rummy too.
keeping score.
she put puzzles together
and framed
them for the wall.
made doll houses,
knitted,
sewed.
she had a room she
called her sewing room,
with an old Singer,
on the table.
she read books,
watched her shows.
she made a lifetime
of distractions,
with parakeets and dogs.
her garden.
her roses.
her pies in the oven,
her red sauce
on the stove.
one would almost think
she was happy.

i think i wrote about that already

as i type
on this old machine,
tapping away
at the keyboard,
it occurs to me
that i've written about
this and that
fifty times before.
am i running out
of things
to say?
do i need a change
of scenery,
new drama,
a trip around the world?
it's all repetition at
this point.
ground hog day
once more.

is there anything else i can get you?

the waiter is
too friendly, too nice,
too anxious to please
with his
water jug,
his pepper shaker.
his new knife that 
replaces the one 
i dropped
to the floor.
he's there,
he's on top of things.
asking
how everything
is while i try to chew
a cut of meat.
we know his name,
the school
he went to.
we know his favorite
meal
and dessert,
the exact same one
we ordered.
we may bring him home
and call him
ours.

verification

it takes a while
to log in,
the seven step verification
slows me down.
click on
trains still on the track.
now boats,
now cars,
now buses.
i read a book
while i wait.
codes and passwords,
my mother's maiden
name,
my best friend,
my dog.
and finally i'm in,
but i forget the reason
that i came.

Wednesday, January 18, 2023

the cornbread apology

i made cornbread, 
she told me,
when i came home from work.
the dust and grime
of the day
still on me,
in my hair, stuck to my
hands.
my back ached.
i made cornbread, she'd
said, kissing
me on the cheek.
sit down.
dinner's almost ready.
go ahead and start.
there's butter on the table.
and please,
let's not fight
anymore.
i'm glad you're home.
go on,
eat, eat.

old school doctor

i wish i had a real
doctor,
someone i can reach on the phone
at all hours.
someone that
will come to the house,
and sit
by my bed
while i ice down a fever,
or sneeze.
someone who cares,
someone
who listens
when i tell them
where it hurts.
someone with
a little black bag
with a red cross
on it.
i want a doctor like that,
just like the ones
on tv.

dream land

i've never heard
of a brick layer, or a roofer,
or a man tarring
the road,
say that they can't sleep
at night,
that they were tossing
and turning,
worried
about life.
pretty much
nothing keeps them
up,
not even love gone
wrong.
bone tired is a wonderful
thing
for a healthy
mind and soul.

five pieces of luggage

she needed three days
to pack her
bags for
a three day trip to nyc.
five pieces of luggage
in all, plus a carryon.
i packed that morning.
one bag
having plenty of room
for everything
i needed, and a little
extra room in case
we went shopping
on fifth avenue.
thankfully, she had her
sherpa meet us at 
the train station.

it's time, she said

before Mary
decided that she'd had
enough
of this life,
and died,
she sent me a card
and 
a tin of cookies.
a note
saying farewell my
dear.
enjoy your life,
but for me
it's time to say
goodbye.

the Carolina sky

thin clouds.
hardly clouds at all
spread
across the Carolina blue.
i could make a day of it,
just watching 
them move.
turning over
into more and more.
i could
waste the hours away,
lying here on
the bed with
the window 
open beside the door.

the wide middle

everything looks
far away,
from here.
the beginning
and the end are points
in the distance.
two coasts
on either side, while
i stand
with arms stretched out.
the middle
is so wide and long.
muddled
and vague
at times.
nothing is clear, 
and yet,
it's fine for now.
i'm agreeable
to still be here.

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

the castle walls

there's no
answer, no return call.
no one
picks up
the phone anymore.
to talk,
or even text.
we have gone off to our
own lives,
protected
by walls.
imaginary and real
alike.
they can't hurt us,
if they
can't find us.

the browning of bread

i buy a loaf of bread.
not for me,
but for the toaster
i bought it
on Amazon,
two years ago from
Italy.
i apologize
to it daily, sorry, but
i'm careful
with my carbs now.
but i at last i drop
two slices of sourdough
into the slots and pull
the lever.
i've made it happy
for a while.

putting out the moth balls

does it matter
what kind of snake it is
as it slithers
and curls,
rises as if to strike?
are we not to be worried
about the fangs,
the venom,
the coiled muscle
with beady eyes?
should we pick it up,
and toss it
back into the woods,
as part of nature,
a species
necessary for the 
advancement of life,
or just run?

the luggage carrier

it's tricky
this love thing, at any
age,
but especially
now.
the baggage piles up.
the history
is long.
you almost don't want
to know
about
who came before you.
who was right,
who was wrong.
you'd rather put
on the blinders,
and press forward,
think positive
and leave the luggage
alone.


the snow man

he was
born to be a snow plowman.
big
and strong, burly
would be
the word.
bearded.
could there be any other
job for him
than pushing
snow from the ground.
he sits,
away from his wife
and children,
waiting
at the side of the road
in his tall cab.
his thermos full.
his midnight lunch
beside him
as the snow begins
to fall.

waiting its turn

the flashlight has
been waiting patiently
all year
to be used.
quietly
standing in the hall
closet, biding its time
next to vacuum
cleaner bags, mops,
and brooms.
occasionally
i'll take a look
and nod, telling it,
there's a storm coming.
get ready.
soon, soon.

Monday, January 16, 2023

food and sex

food
has replaced sex in this relationship.
i've actually
installed a mirror
over the kitchen table.
i spend all day
thinking
about chicken thighs
and breasts.
mashed potatoes
and gravy.
hot buttered buns.
i can't wait to get home
to make some
jello and watch it jiggle,
with a squirt
of whipped cream.

this diamond ring

my only regret is that
i didn't get the ring
back.
cheating, lying,
floozy that she was.
the least she could have
done was give the ring
back once i busted her
again with her married boyfriend.
it was a beautiful diamond,
pear shaped that i 
researched and shopped
for, for months on end.
saved my nickel and dimes for.
actually there are three diamond
rings i've lost out on.
one more expensive
than the other.
why don't they return them?
that's the question.
jiminy crickets, these
women. what kind of a world
are we living in?
i'm sure they're all sitting
in a box somewhere,
insured.

Mimi's fur coats

Mimi,
after Irwin died,
before she moved to Florida,
hung all of her
winter coats on racks
in her garage.
long coats for
the New York winters.
wools and
furs, bear and beaver,
foxes. mink stoles.
she was quite the dish back
in her day
strolling down 5th avenue
hailing taxis
with a whistle.
i won't need these
in Miami, she tells me.
too damn hot.
take a few.
one for your wife, 
maybe a few 
for your girlfriends.
that's what Irwin did.
women love fur.

how it ends

bored with the book,
i skip the thick middle
and go to the last chapter.
i want to see how ends.
isn't that the way it is
with most things.

the other side

there's always a way
to get across
the stream.
roll your pants up
and throw some rocks down,
some planks,
tie a rope to the far
tree.
step lightly
through the cold water,
and hang on,
keep your balance.
the other side is never
out of reach, keep moving.
keep walking.
take my hand and
come with me.

the morning obits

my grandmother
enjoyed
reading the obituaries.
it made
her feel good to still
be alive
while all these other people
had died.
many younger than
her.
she'd nod and smile
when seeing
a familiar face,
and say,
it doesn't surprise me,
then finish her
tea
and melba toast,
with
a cigarette
burning in the ashtray.

are the banks closed?

i lose
track of holidays
when working
alone.
i drive down the road
and wonder
where everyone
is,
it feels like everyone
but you
has stayed home.
are the banks closed?
whose birthday
have i forgotten?
who are we celebrating.
what turn of
of the calendar page
has occurred?
do i need
a hallmark
card for this one?
flowers?

the addiction


the phone,
the little magic box
in your possession
owns you.
all the knowledge
in the world
is at your fingertips.
everyone
can be reached,
everyone
can find you.
you are tethered
to the nether
world below.
how we walk dazed,
in a trance.
mesmerized
by the light
that darkens our soul,
our brains
hardly have a chance,
we no longer
are in control.


satisfying the itch

the itch comes
back.
it always comes back
never
satisfied
by one
hard scratch, you need
the stick,
the long hand
the nails
someone that understands.
someone
that can
find
the point of attack.
there it is.
there it is.
now scratch.

Sunday, January 15, 2023

making her happy

i tell the young
waitress,
in pink, with a black
apron,
that i want a cold,
cold glass of milk,
and a slice
of chocolate cake.
she smiles,
tapping her pen
against her pad.
i've made her happy.
most people
want
eggs, juice and
wheat toast, she says,
at this time of the day.
i nod and smile,
then watch her as
she turns to
sashay away, 
which makes me
happy.

it's no one's fault

it's no one's fault.
there is
no one to blame,
not the doctor, the lawyer,
the priest.
leave God out of this too.
stop pointing
fingers.
it's just me,
just you.
your mother and father
have nothing
to do with
bad behavior
at this stage of the game.
fix it,
or stay as you are,
regrettably
the same.

put some clothes on

when she stepped
out of the shower,
wigless,
the paint off her face,
Un jeweled
unclothed, i realized
the error
of my ways.
what i loved on
the surface
had gone down
the drain.
she took a look
at me
in the hall light,
standing, scratching
my belly
in my boxer shorts,
burping,
giving her
a fright.
and yet, somehow
we managed to go on.
saying little,
and quickly turning
off the light.

the other side of the coin


to some
it's a cold day, a harsh
day
in
the dead of winter.
ice
on the trees,
the frozen
pond,
the bend of arthritic
branches
reminding
you of old
age
yet to come.
while to others it's
a blessing.
staying home
to find warmth
and beauty in the love
of someone.

having a smart friend

whenever
i have a problem with anything
i call my
friend Frank.
he knows everything about
everything.
he's what you call 
a know it all.
relationship issues,
he's got that.
religion, politics,
the environment,
he'll set you straight with
all of that too.
plumbing, electricity.
the theater, sports
or music,
current events.
he knows everything.
i'm not sure how he became
so smart.
i've never seen him
read a book or a newspaper,
and he's never
been to college,
but
he is smart.
if he sees you walking
down the street,
he'll stop you and show you
a better way to walk.
telling you
which foot to push off on,
and how to move
your hips
to be more efficient 
in your walking.
he is one smart cookie.

the road most traveled

you wonder why
good things
happen to bad people.
how did they
get the house, the car,
the job,
the girl?
they're bad people,
evil,
despicable.
unworthy.
liars and cheaters.
and yet there they
are in their
lounge chairs
sitting by the pool
smoking a big cigar,
sunning themselves.
did you take
the wrong path
after all? 

the dog that bites you

i stick my leg
out the door to see how
cold it is,
and a stray
dog bites me.
it's not a good start
to the day.
i clean up the blood
and bandage the wound.
i limp back
to the door
and see the dog is still 
there.
he's waiting for me,
his friend,
a bigger dog, too.
i'm a good person.
why is this happening
to me?

smoke and ash

thoughts linger,
as they do,
wispy
versions of the past,
smoke
and rising ash.
some white,
some blue.
vague memories
that now,
at last
you can see through.

virtually sinless

sometimes we'd be
late
and miss the first act.
the kneeling
and praying part
of the service,
the grand entry of the priest,
the gala
of gowns and music,
the altar boys
not far behind,
carrying things
of vague importance.
we had walked and ran
three miles
to get there,
with our hair combed
and our clean
shirts and pants on.
we had envelopes
in our pockets.
coins for the basket.
we were well behaved.
virtually sinless
expect for the occasional
throwing of snow balls
at cars when it snowed.
bigger sins of lust
and envy, were yet to
come.
teasing sisters and chewing
gum seemed to be
the worst of it,
all washed away at
Saturday confession.

sunday at assisted living

we
bring flowers
to the senior home.
the old are gathered around
a blurred
and loud
television.
a rerun of
fantasy island.
in varying degrees
of dementia,
some
rise as you enter
and think you're their
son,
or husband
bringing roses.
then the bell rings.
it's lunch again, a mere
two hours
since breakfast.
you wait
on the sofa for them
to waddle
back
to the raft that will
sail them
home.

Saturday, January 14, 2023

the room down the hall

we used to sleep
entangled
with each other, legs
over legs,
arms
entwined,
cheek to cheek.
sweaty from making
love, our
hearts still pounding.
lips not far from
each other
in case there's another
round.
her long hair would be in
my face,
my hand rested on her
hip.
and then we needed
more space.
a few inches,
then a foot, then a
a large divide so that
our cold feet wouldn't
touch each other.
she's in the other room
now, down the hall.
she hung a sign
on the knob, saying,
go away.
sometimes she closes
my door so that she
can't hear me snoring
and she can
talk on her phone.

boardwalk chicken

ion Ocean City,
Maryland,
the best
chicken was boardwalk chicken.
deep fried and greasy,
crispy.
we'd settle
in at a picnic table
after hitchhiking
down route
50
and falling asleep
on the beach for hours,
we'd be hungry.
there was nothing like
a bucket of
chicken,
dinner rolls and honey.
a large drink
to fill us up
for the day.
with ten dollars between
us,
we could do it again
tomorrow
if we never collected
another nickel 
of spare change.

baby steps

i'm all better
now
i tell Betty on the phone.
she's coming out of her
yoga class,
carrying her yoga mat
and smoking a cigarette.
no you're not,
she says.
i can hear you coughing.
and blowing
your nose.
that's nothing i tell her,
collateral damage.
the fever is gone.
my throat is no longer
sore.
i can actually make it up
the stairs
without holding on
to the rail.
yesterday i ate 
a tuna sandwich.
well, half. i'm saving
the other half for tomorrow.
come on over, it would
be nice to see you.
dream on, lover boy,
she says.
you're going to have to
put those lustful
ideas on hold.

sixty days in the jump

jake would
ask me to visit him in jail.
talk to him
over the phone
separated by plexiglass.
i need
some commissary money
he'd tell me.
which he used
for cigarettes, not food.
he'd always gain weight
when doing
sixty days in the pokey
for a bar
fight or another DUI.
his cousin, Bobby Lee was
a guard at the county
jail.
he'd slip him in pizza,
and fried chicken
for lunch everyday.
milkshakes doused
with whiskey.
by the end of his stint
in the jump, jake would
need bigger clothes.
new painter paints
and a wider belt.
then he was once again
rested and ready to go.
standing outside a 7-11
waiting for me to pick
him up in my truck.

the hummingbird

i wish the yellow
hummingbird
would relax for a minute
and settle on
a branch.
i'd like to get a long
look at him.
study his minuteness.
his bright color.
but no, off he goes
with frenetic energy,
a busy bird.
a bird full of caffeine,
a puff through the trees
with wings
a flutter.

ahhh, to be young again

ahh, to be young again,
to know everything
but nothing.
to be wise without a lick
of experience,
to be courageous and
immortal, impossibly
confident and strong.
to be young again
and not old like this,
confused and tired,
weakened with time.

Friday, January 13, 2023

seven thirty a.m.

apparently people
are still making babies.
my neighbor
for instance is in her third
trimester,
big as a house.
she nods at me in the morning
as she eases
her way into the car.
the husband nods, puts
his hand up
in a polite wave.
he looks tired
and worried, as he leans
over the back
seat to get
the other kids to stop
fighting over a magic
marker.
it's seven thirty.
i need to warm up my
coffee.

you left your shoes here

i found
an old pair of your Jimmy
Choo shoes
under the bed.
you left them
before you slammed
the door
and cursed the day
i was born.
no need to stop
by to pick them up though.
i flung
them in the direction
of the trash
can by the fire hydrant.
i just saw
some vagabond woman 
sitting on the curb,
trying them on.
she looked
over to my doorway
and gave me 
two thumbs up.

weak as a kitten

still weak as a kitten,
i paw
my way out of bed,
shower
and try not to look at my
face in
the mirror.
i curse
the bug that slayed me.
let's keep it dark
in here for awhile.
how did cave
men survive disease?
did they have wives
around
who took care of them,
went out
when you were sick
to kill the beasts?
how could anyone sleep
and stop
coughing
without Nyquil?
what kind of a world was
that to live in?

decisions decisions

some mornings
i can't decide
which black sweater
or sweatshirt to wear.
the baggy one,
the nice one, the one i
usually wear
outside.
the mock turtle neck
one or the crew?
this one has less lint,
made of a polyester
blend, while
this one
is one hundred per cent
cotton,
that breathes,
but keeps me warm
just the same.
the other one is too tight.
i should have
washed it in cold
water
and did the same
with the rinse.
and this one has a hole
in the elbow.
and a few frayed threads.
decisions decisions,
of course there's always
the brown sweaters,
or the one
that i never wear, red.

the condo board

i see that the condo
board
that patrols the neighborhood
have uniforms
now.
brown shirts with
red arm
bands.
they have hats too
with
shiny brims.
i hear them marching
in lockstep
down the cul de sac
early in
the morning,
with clipboards in hand,
their boots stamping
towards me,
i've put the trash out too
early and have
painted my front door
the wrong color once
again.
my rose bush has died.
springtime will be grim.

Thursday, January 12, 2023

you can't save everyone

it's hard
not to care about those
beyond
help,
those that can't be reached
by reason
or by love.
but you manage to
erase them
from your mind
despite
your capacity for compassion.
you have to let them
go.
let them be
who they are.
you can't save everyone.
yourself
is enough for one
lifetime.

they were once green fields

is it age,
maturity of some sort.
has the boy
in you
died.
no longer are you checking
box scores
in the morning news.
no longer
wasting fine
days
watching children
a third your
age tossing balls
and running across 
green fields.
it was glorious when
it was you,
but
now a good book,
a good movie,
a walk
with you will do.

let's remain strangers

i fear
that it's best to keep
our distance
in order to keep
love alive.
let's
stay a stranger
to each other.
love is best
kept by those who
don't know
one another too well.
once you do,
there goes
the shine.

through these woods

no path
is fine for me, through
these woods.
i know them well,
i know 
where the water
begins,
where it ends,
where
there is no trail.
these trees
in all seasons
know me.
for years
i've trudged through
the ice
and snow,
the hard
july dirt or bramble
to get to some other side
of things.
again, i'll go.

a fresh pot

no one likes yesterdays
coffee,
or stale bread.
we wince as we sip
at the bitter cup,
and bite
at the crust.
we want fresh, we want
new.
we don't want
the leftovers, the things
ready for the bin.
we want a fresh pot,
a hot loaf
from the oven,
we'll wait. 
we have time
for the better things.

a yard full of leaves

i have
let the yard return to its
natural state.
it's in God's
hands now.
tired of raking leaves,
digging
weeds,
planting wild flowers,
and shrubs that
never take,
i let it go
and let God decide
its fate.

the white noise

the radio,
a low mumble of song
and talk,
white
noise as i go about
the day
with so little to do
and so much
time.
there's music
i know,
news, i don't care
about.
i get to work, get
busy
with keeping
the ship afloat,
before another book
insists that i
lie down.

Wednesday, January 11, 2023

that far away land

it's travel time,
he thinks, as he lies in bed,
listening
to the birds outside his window.
he stretches his legs over
and finds his cane.
the bathroom first,
then to the kitchen, across
the barren field
of rugs, and walls,
furniture,
strategically placed.
taking slow steps, he's
off to make coffee in
that far away land.

time to bring out the good china

most of the year
my mother
fed us on paper plates.
but for the holidays
she brought out the good
China,
which was a set of blue
and white
plates
from Sears.
most were chipped,
and cracked, but clean,
having rested in
the hutch all year.
they were definitely
a step up from the paper
plates we were used to.
we could actually pick
them up, carry them
across the room,
and not have them 
collapse in our hands,
spilling our food.
the dogs were not happy.

living on the dole

my son
once told me that he doesn't want
to work
for money. he's an artist.
a visionary.
a thespian.
it's below
him, to give in to the corporate
world,
to suck up
to the man
for a nine to five
job.
to punch the clock
and get
a weekly paycheck.
of course, his education
is paid for,
mostly by me.
his car, his phone,
his food and shelter
taken care
of by his live in girlfriend,
and his
mother who lives
around the corner,
feeding and clothing
him like he was still a child
in grade school.
why are working,
he asked me?
what's wrong with you dad?
what are you doing
with your life?

are you kidding me?

i never know when
you're joking,
she says,
pulling at her hair.
i can't figure it out,
i don't know
when you're kidding, being
funny or
serious,
sarcastic.
i can't read you. it's hard
being around
you with all
your cryptic sayings,
your metaphors
and verbiage slight of hand.
i feel wobbly and unsure
of what our
conversations
are all about, or even
if they are conversations,
or just exercises,
verbal jousting, practice
for when you want
to write things down.

the ghost of lover's past

she looks
at me with her enormous
green eyes.
i know what you're thinking
she says.
you do?
you want pancakes this
morning, don't you?
and bacon.
and maybe
a piece of toast with
blueberry jam.
right?
she pulls the sheets up
to her
eyes.
her boney knees
pointed n the air.
i'm right, aren't I?
maple syrup?
what are you doing with
the sheets?
she covers
her face, pulling
the sheet over her head,
and whispers.
i'm not here anymore.
i'm a ghost.
i'm the ghost of lover's
past.
you haven't taken your
meds today
have you?

Tuesday, January 10, 2023

no memory of how

sometimes
you don't know where the cut
came from,
or how the bruise
was made,
when or where
is confusing.
you can't recall the pain.
there's no memory
attached to the bump,
or scrape, which
is good with no memory
of how.
life is better
that way.

in spite of everything

in spite
of everything. grass
will grow,
flowers
will rise,
animals will be born,
nests
will once again
be full
of eggs.
more fish will appear.
and stars,
when you look up.
will still be
in the sky.

we got to get out of this place

we can't move there
because of the floods
and fires,
the earthquakes, or there
either.
tornadoes and blizzards,
or south,
there's hurricanes
and tropical storms
not to mention
that they look
different and talk funny too.
and what about there.
nope not there either.
there's a crime wave
and plagues, strange
diseases that are
wiping everyone
out. not to mention that
it's crowded and the taxes
are too high.
then where, where
can we go to escape
the madness.
France? nope, they don't like
us either.
up there perhaps, 
see that little light?

the Mensa dog

my dog was smart.
really smart.
he knew a lot of words,
watched tv.
he knew when we
were driving to the vet,
for a shot
and would squirm
and try to hop out.
he could break out of any
kennel cage
i put him in.
he was smart. but if
you told him the second
Tuesday of next month
we were going to the beach,
he had no idea
what you were talking about.
despite his philosophical views
on cats and birds,
he had his limits.
he would chew the cover
off a book,
but he couldn't read one.

pretend it all away

i push
the plant away
from the window
to make room for the piano
i don't yet
know how to play.
maybe i'll take lessons,
but i doubt
it.
i like to dabble
at the keys
with a martini
nearby,
and pretend it's 1920,
in Paris, or Berlin.
everyone is happy, 
rich
and gay.
if life isn't going well,
let's sing and dance,
let's pretend
it all away.

the american diet

i used to ask some of
my workers why they didn't bring
a lunch
to work. explaining
as best i could how much
heathier it would be,
and that they would
save money. they'd laugh
and talk to each other
making fun of me.
when i met them
years ago,
coming over the border
with their back packs,
they were slender
and strong, eager to please.
but now
most of them are fat and slow,
not all, but most,
still honest and trustworthy, but
barely climbing up a ladder
as it bowed. sleepily
going through the day
at a snail's pace.
they eat Chinese food now,
the American diet.
fried chicken, pizza,
hamburgers and fries,
sodas to go.
cakes and pies.
they even smoke.
make a sandwich at home
i'd implore them,
showing them two pieces
of bread on top of each other.
and they'd laugh.
we don't cook, they'd tell
me. we are not cooks like you.
we like food to go.

my etchings

i have etchings now.
i've sat up
late at night drawing
by candlelight
on my sketch pad
with a charcoal pencil.
i'm drawing
houses and animals.
faces from memory.
landscapes,
oceans.
shadowing the rooftops
of villages,
and alleys,
chimneys with smoke.
blades of grass.
the curves of women.
i pin them to the walls
of my bedroom.
my artwork.
they wait for the opportunity
to be seen and admired.
but there's no line
out the door
anymore, like they're
used to be.

but he has a horse

there really was
a junk
man who came up the street
with a wagon
pulled
by an old horse.
he wanted scraps of metal.
tin,
steel, iron.
as a kid you looked at
him and wondered
what kind of life
that was.
and what about the horse.
where did he keep
the horse?
was his mother proud of him.
or did having a horse
make up
for everything.

seasonal fruits

as there
are seasonal fruits,
oranges
or melons, cherries
and grapes,
best cut and eaten
in the summer
so it is
with love.
bring me a blonde
for the beach,
a brunette
for the fall
and a red head
for in-between.
platinum is best
for winter.

the house of cards

he always
seemed to have money.
cars
and houses,
jewelry.
nice suits.
a clean haircut,
expensive
cologne.
he smelled of money
his house was
adorned with flowers,
and antiques,
but if you
went out for dinner
with him.
you paid,
never him. he never
brought money
along.
what was real, you
never knew.
but now
you do.

Monday, January 9, 2023

time

in some ways
it's glacier like 
in how it moves
and slides
taking with it
everything in slow
slow strides
and in other ways
it's the speed
of light, advancing
forward,
relentlessly,
fleeing past you in
the blink of an eye.

quietly, about your day

quietly, you go about
your day,
your nights,
your illness. what is there
to share,
or say.
why bring that to
the table. each to his
own burden,
large or small.
take the stoic stance
and keep it light,
keep tomorrow coming.
get done what has to
be done.
let them remember
you that way.

a piece of my heart

i'd give you my heart,
but then
what would that leave me?
an empty space.
a hole.
where would the love
for others go,
where would i find
compassion
and grace. civility.
how about a small piece
of my heart.
call it a loan, okay.
let's see how it goes.

off the Hudson

bundled you are
in the cold.
but you've been colder
before.
years ago in New York city.
the wind
pressing down
off the Hudson.
the sky
white with snow.
you'd never known such
cold before.
such a brutal
winter it was.
your feet numb, the burn
in your lungs.
your eyes glazed
with tears while you
huddled 
in the storefronts, bolted
closed.
you/ve never quite shaken
that cold.
it still presses 
into you, frightens
your bones.

the daily news


there's good news,
there's bad
news.
there's gossip and there's
speculation
there's opinion.
there's presumptions,
conclusions.
there's a broad
or narrow point of view.
they're lies
and truth.
everyone cooks up
their own brand of stew,
seasoned to their liking.

say nothing

when your voice
does return,
it won't matter. you've
discovered the wisdom
in silence.
yes.
it is golden.
whether wise or not
it's not for anyone to know.
let them guess.
let them wonder
as you nod and look away
with ponderance,
keeping your
mouth closed.

self-imposed exile

it's a self-imposed
exile
to the island
of lepers
and criminals, misbegotten
souls,
the selvage,
the undertow
and steerage,
where the forgotten
go before
they're forgotten.
you'll give it a few
days more,
before you swim home.

Sunday, January 8, 2023

twitter frenzy

in the old days,
back when people wrote
for a living,
back when there were still
worthwhile
newspapers,
you could write a letter
to the editor
and express your opinion
on the topic
of day.
maybe, if you
were lucky,
you'd see your letter
in the op-ed page on Sunday.
a rare and wonderful
thing to get our ideas across,
your voice heard
at last,
but now,
everyone with a phone
and half a brain, is
chiming in.
typing frenetically
all day long,
in twitter frenzy.

theory of omelets

i like
the stories of how
Einstein 
was a genius, but he couldn't
tie his own
shoes,
or make an omelet.
whether it's true
or not, who knows, but
it does make
you feel better as you
lace up your boots,
tying them with
a nice loop,
and crack a few eggs
into a bowl.