my joy in you

i go without sleep
for a few nights. rising at 3 am,
then again
at 5. there is no one
there beside me,
to wake up
and talk to.
to ponder
these dreams, these
nightmares. so
i get up and go down the stairs.
the sun
is still blue
below
the arms of clouds.
unrisen.
i want it to stay down.
i want to remember everything.
i want to forget everything.
in time
sleep will return.
in time, life will be back
to what it was.
in time i'll embrace
without bitterness the past,
and find
my joy in you.