strangers in a strange land

we're all strangers

to most

people,

those not in your circle

of friends

or family.

mere acquaintances.

people cross

the street when they

see you coming.

they don't give

up their seat for you.

you're nobody,

really.

there's no paparazzies

at your doorstep,

no reporters,

or adoring fans,

or worse,

those that hate 

where you stand,

but you make due.

being

anonymous

is actually not a bad

way to go.

we need them, don't we?

there's something about

the human 

touch,

the intimacy

of a hand in yours,

or lying

together, skin

against skin.

as much as you dislike

so humans,

we need them,

don't we?

there's always greener grass

there's always

greener

grass

on the other side

of the hill.

a better job, a better

home,

a better car,

a prettier a girl

to see.

it may be green from

afar,

but you've learned

your lessons

the hard way.

stay put, lean back

and relax.

don't be fooled again

by what lies

beyond

your yard.

all this loose change

i don't know exactly where

all the loose

change comes

from,

but i'm running out of bowls

and saucers,

tin boxes,

and empty

jars to put it all in.

i scoop handfuls

from the dryer

and washing machine.

finding it

between the cushions

of two sofas

and an easy chair.

the bank is rarely ever happy

to see me

coming in with my

bucket of change.

lugging it with two hands.

security is alerted

as i stagger to the coin

redeeming machine.

i spend no less than

an hour at the machine

sorting through

lint and screws, paper

clips, nails

and

odds and ends

just to get some paper

money

to start all over again.

doing her Christmas cards

my mother would set

aside

about five hours to do her

Christmas cards.

with a pot of black coffee

and a pack of Virginia Slims

she'd get to it

using her favorite blue

ink cartridge pen.

waving us away,

demanding that we leave

her alone.

i'm doing Christmas cards,

she'd say.

suddenly on holy ground

where she couldn't

be reached.

go outside and play.

but it's three degrees out,

we'd tell her,

well then

put on your coat

and stop teasing your sister.

your mittens

are in the dryer.

tell me about your cookies

as i stand

in line at the post office with

my one

box

being sent to Bangor, Maine,

to an old girlfriend

who broke my

heart,

i feel

nostalgic

for Christmas.

music is playing,

the clerks

are wearing Santa hats.

i try to shake myself out

of this

sentimentality, but i can't.

the woman

in front of me

is wearing a long red

coat with a white

scarf,

there's tinsel in her hair,

and she smells of cookies

and cinnamon.

she's holding

a tin.

i want to ask her what kind,

but don't.

you can't do that anymore.

animals know as well

within

minutes you figure someone

out.

seconds, even.

it's a look,

a smile, a grimace,

body language

of some

sort giving you clues

as to what

you are to do, or say,

or possibly get up,

and move.

animals know

as well.

they'll tell you with

a wagging tail,

or growl.

the empty space beside you

when you have been married

forever,

forever being

more than ten years,

say twenty, or thirty,

and it ends,

you still reach over in the middle

of the night

for some comfort.

your hand slides over,

but there's a different

kind of empty space

beside you now.

where are you going now?

she likes golf.

in any weather,

sun or rain,

a cold wind.

okay,

she loves golf,

she's got the arms and legs,

and disposition

to be good at it.

she tells me about the front

nine, the bunker

on eleven,

the wedge,

the six iron.

she goes on and on

about the greens,

and the slow group

in front of her.

how far away to the pin

from the tee.

in the morning 

after looking out the window

for a whole three

seconds, i watch

her putting on

her golf pants,

her golf shirt,

her golf shoes and hat.

her gloves.

where are you going now?

i ponder, but

truthfully,

i don't even have to ask.

don't buy a boat

whatever you do,

she said,

don't buy a boat when you retire.

you'll be

spending all day

down at the docks,

cleaning,

rereading all of your navigational

maps.

you'll end up

buying one of those

silly anchor emblazoned

hats.

a boat will suck you dry of

every penny

you ever saved.

my father had

a boat his whole life,

and we never

saw him.

he drowned at sea, we think.

i laughed.

believe me, i told her,

i'm not a sailor,

i like to observe

the ocean, the lakes,

or even a swimming pool,

from dry land.

although i do enjoy

a long hot bath.

at four in the morning

i'd hear

the stumble of his boots,

in the late night,

after

the dying of his car,

the light

go on

as he climbed the stairs,

his body heavy

with

the life he chose,

trying so

hard to be quiet,

but we all heard him.

and then

the door would

close.

would there be words,

would

another argument

unfold?

with pillow

over our heads, we

prayed otherwise.

show me who you are

when young

and punished

by the silence

of a friend or a loved

one,

it hurts to the bone,

worries

your heart.

you want to make amends

for whatever

wrongs you

did

to cause the silence to start.

but as the years go

by,

this narcissistic behavior

has worn thin,

it has no power over you

anymore.

you laugh in the face

of it

and welcome the end.

good riddance,

water

as clear

and cold as it may be,

as

willing

as it is to come up

from the ground,

to fill

an ocean,

or fall from the sky,

or flow

down a stream,

be careful with it,

things aren't always

what they

seem.

where are you going?

there was the pocket

knife, black and dull,

used when fishing,

the marbles,

the keys, the chain

attached to nothing.

the coins

and folding money.

assorted baseball cards

for trading purposes,

and gum.

a short black comb

and magnifying glass

for burning up ants

on the sidewalk.

maybe there was a small

red radio, a transistor,

but that was all 

i could fit into my sears.

and roebucks' dungarees

when leaving the house

in the morning, with

my mother in the kitchen,

yelling out,

where are you going?

old brown shoes

funny

how over time

you don't

miss people.

people that were an important

part of your life.

once gone,

and the years roll by, 

the memory becomes

vague,

you can't remember

the good 

or the bad times.

i have shoes like that too,

stuffed in

the back corner

of a closet.

the round tin of cookies

the red

round tin of cookies

from

Swiss colony arrives

in the mail.

small

crumbly things,

factory wares,

nestled into paper cups.

my father sends it every year.

sometimes

i open it

and nibble on

selected ones, but for

the most part

they're hard

and stale.

i feel bad about regifting

them, but i do.

it truly is, though,

the thought that counts.

i'll miss these tins

at some point.

the laser beam in the morning

it's a laser

beam

that's hitting my eye

at nine

in the morning.

i hold onto

the rails,

my head secured

in a contraption

and strap

worthy of keeping

Hannibal Lechter

immobile.

it's a short procedure,

cleaning

out debris,

the fog and haze

from a lens that replaced

a cataract.

in three days, the doctor

tells me

you'll be able to see the world

clearly.

i tell him, i'm not so sure

i want that.

please, go away

someone sends

me a book,

a self-help spiritual book

called

don't waste your life.

i'm insulted

by the title alone.

and it makes me think

of all

the workers

in the world,

the machinists, the cooks,

and waiters,

the sailors,

the fishermen,

the housecleaners

on their knees

scrubbing floors.

the nannies, the trashmen,

the landscapers,

making what they can,

while they can.

putting food

on the table,

clothes on the children.

should we send

them the book too?

will you tell them too,

that they're

wasting their lives?

dreaming of a white christmas

it was around

this time of year, the holidays

when the marriage

was falling apart

that my

second wife

tapped

the phones and had me

followed.

she also download every

key stroke

on my computer

and emptied my bank account.

i remember it well.

that clicking

noise on

the phone, looking in my

rear view mirror

and seeing

her crazy sister in her

green Ford Taurus,

slumping down

in her seat, when she

saw me looking.

every morning, when we

woke up,

the ex didn't say good morning

dear, love of my life,

father of my son,

no,

instead she'd say, today

the Sherriff is coming to 

arrest you.

for what reason, she never told me.

this all took place around

the holidays,

and so now,

every time, i hear

Bing Crosby singing 

White Christmas, or i see

a tree on top of someone's car,

or the holiday inn where i stayed

at for a week,

a tear comes,

to my eye, breathing is difficult,

and i begin to have 

a panic attack.

the fifty card box

i bought the hundred card box

of Christmas cards about five

years ago.

it's Santa trying to get down

a chimney, but

he's too fat

and stuck on someone's

rooftop.

the elves are there too,

trying to push him down

with his bag of goodies.

it's a fun card, but

i have fifty-two left.

i think i've

been sending the same

card out

to my short list

of friends and relatives

for the last five years.

no one seems to care,

or at least they haven't

called me out on it.

after Christmas maybe i'll

go down

and buy another box.

maybe a twenty card box

this time.

they should be half price

by January.

you're dead to me

just because

we come from a big

Italian

family,

doesn't mean that we all like

each other.

my uncles

didn't talk to each other.

for forty years.

a few

of my brothers and sisters

have followed suit.

grudges are held, but

the memory

of why they're mad at 

each other is vague and beyond

understanding.

they ignore each

other at funerals, or weddings.

holidays, etc.

occasionally I've heard

the phrase,

they're dead to me.

it's interesting.

i try to stay out of it, but

i think a few

of them are mad at me too.

i have no idea why.

taste like chicken, or it used to

My friend Ernie

is a scientist down at the Dow

Chemical plant.

he's part of the team that invented

napalm.

i ask him

what's new, what he's been up

to lately.

bombs, chemical warfare,

any new viruses that will end

mankind as we know it?

what are you working on

these days? his face

lights up as he begins 

to tell me that they

are now able to

make anything taste

like pineapples.

that's great i tell him,

he takes a rock out of his pocket

and says, taste this.

but it looks like a rock

it is a rock,

but it tastes like pineapple.

go ahead, bite into it.

but i'll break my teeth.

no you won't. we found

a way to soften it up.

it's completely harmless

other than tooth decay

and affecting your insulin

resistance, and has zero

 nutritional value, but it

has a very nice flavor.

it won't kill you, at least so

far we haven't had anyone

die from eating them.

i slowly chew on the little rock.

damn, i tell him,

it does taste a lot like pineapple.

amazing.

but i think they've already invented

these things, Doc.

they call them gummy bears.

no, no, these are different.

these aren't shaped like bears,

these will be shaped like

tiny pineapples,

we're working on the whole

fruit world.

bananas, cherries, apples.

with this secret flavoring technique

we can make

anything taste like whatever 

we want it to.

fish, meat, chicken.

how great would it be to take

a bite into

flounder and it tastes like

a cherry pie?

we can make them any flavor

you want.

but hey, nice chatting,

i have to run and get

down to the lab.

we're having a little trouble with

the kiwi flavor.

the end is near

the end is near,

repent,

the sign says,

held by

a man in a white sheet,

with a grey beard

and a

helmet on his head.

he's out there

every year,

around the holidays.

but nothing happens.

we're still here, 

and no one

seems to be repenting,

except those that

got caught.

dominion towing

when you

wake up and your car is gone,

you sigh.

you walk up and down

the street

thinking that maybe, just

maybe

you didn't park it in front

of your house

like you've done

a thousand times.

but it's gone, so you call

the police,

they tell you it's been towed.

your inspection sticker

is one day late.

condo rules, the inbred man,

says, cross eyed, with no teeth.

he's jittery

behind the plexiglass

and iron mesh, smoking

a hand rolled cigarette.

you slide him money

through the narrow slot,

and he slides you a receipt.

predatory towing at its best.

three a.m. going home

it's an odd hour

to be out in,

to be on

the street wandering home.

hands in your pockets.

it's cold.

and the sky is confusing

with a smattering

of jagged stars..

it's a strange time

to be alive in,

a haunting

bite of hour, somewhere

between

night

and morning.

with no around,

but shadows,

a lost soul

on a stoop, cried out

and leaning

against a door.

there's

the siren, there's a dog

howling,

there's the sad lament

of a flugelhorn.

she secretly hates me

i think

my doctor secretly hates me.

she winces

when i tell her

about the latest YouTube

video i watched

on A1C,

and lowering

triglycerides.

i go on and on about,

HDL and LDL

explaining to her

in excruciating detail how

one needs to eliminate

sugar 

and go low carb.

she humors me with

a grin. says, shhh, shhh,

that's nice,

now open wide,

then tells me to roll up

my sleeve

before she sticks a

needle in.

he never stopped barking

i have a lot of dreams

about my

dog Moe, dearly departed,

crazy Moe,

a short haired

wild eyed Dachshund.

ten years gone

he's still in my head,

in my bed,

at my feet.

i hear him bark and growl.

i can feel the weight 

of him in my lap.

his rough wet tongue licking

my knee.

that noise in the kitchen

is him in the trash.

at some point i should

throw his dog

dish out, and take his

leash off the hook.

he never saw a truck

that he didn't want to chase,

or a mailman he didn't

want to bite.

i have a picture of him

trying to 

get into the tv,

barking at a cartoon horse.

would i get another one,

another dog?

i take the folder of vet

bills out,

and examine the cost.

every time he ate something

dead in the woods

i had to take him to the mayo

clinic for dogs.

so, would i get another one,

nah, not on your life.

Louie Louie

just as we laughed

at our

parents or grandparents

telling us

tales of walking ten

miles in the snow

to get to school,

our children laugh at us

when we reminisce

about ten cent cokes,

a dime for a phone call.

quarter hamburgers

and twelve cent fries.

we tell them about hiding

under our desks

to protect us from 

the atomic bomb.

we talk about 
Elvis and Chubby

Checker, doing the twist,

the limbo,

how we grew our hair

long like the Beatles,

and how we knew the words

to every song 

from Marvin Gaye

to the Dave Clark Five,

every song

on the radio that is,

except of course,

Louie Louie.

high top white

the trick was

keeping your high top

white converse

sneakers,

chuck Taylor's white.

keeping them

clean

and new looking

for an entire 

summer

despite all the games

on the playground

and the street,

an occasional fight.

it was a nightly

ritual,

holding them up

to the light

with a scrub brush

and bleach.

then setting them

under your bed

for the next day.

25 per cent tip

my ex called

me out on it once.

she said i tipped more

when the waitress

was young

and attractive.

sexy in a wholesome way.

which was probably true.

i asked my therapist

why this was,

what was wrong with

me that i did this.

and she laughed and told

me that her

husband

and brothers,

and even her father

did that too.

the Chinatown bus

cramped

in the bus, standing up,

hanging onto

the overhead

strap,

i sway back and forth,

back and forth.

elbows and shoulders

against one another.

it's a  metal can

from hell

bouncing down

the New Jersey turnpike.

i long

for a window to be open.

the bus driver

is eating

a bowl of rice and broccoli,

and smoking.

the old have found

their seats,

the young, the pregnant

women.

there's even a crate

of chickens

taking up an entire row.

it's a long way

to Penn Station

from China Town.

but for a round trip

it's only fifty bucks.

we can do this.

it's never my fault

do we need to assign

fault and blame,

to every

mishap that occurs in our life?

the flood,

the fire,

the marriage gone

awry.

the spoiled child,

the untamed

dog.

who's to blame for 

the bad

grade in school, the awful

job,

the fat around

one's belly.

who did this to me?

tell me

who it is, they need to

make things right.

he was a very good dog

the dog

was patient.

he'd sit by the side of the bed,

and look upwards

towards

the noise of us

making love.

sometimes he'd

yawn

and look at his watch,

wondering when

it would all be over.

he'd lie there

curled in a ball with

his brown

eyes wide open.

finally

after a few

loud sighs and

oh my Gods,

he'd hop up and snuggle

between us

in the middle.

he was 

a very good dog.

i like it that way too

she keeps me

on my toes, with her hair

styles.

i never know

for sure

what she'll look like,

curly and frizzy, red

or blonde,

a shade

of marigold

with a streak of blue.

flat and straight,

or parted

to the side,

or gelled.

i'm always amused,

and tell her

always that it looks

just swell.

all the news i need

the weather

report is all i really need

to get

by on.

spare me the new,

the local,

the world, 

the universe beyond

our view.

just tell me if i need

to put a jacket on,

if i need to grab

my umbrella,

gloves? a hat?

give me the weather,

your basic, wet,

cold, or warm,

and then i'm

done.

don't forget to write

i can only

hike about five miles

and then

i have to stop and get a sandwich

and a coffee

somewhere.

same with

biking. five miles

and my butt hurts.

i'm bored out of my mind.

i can't even be on a bus

or a boat,

or in a car

for that long,

let alone walk.

i have no desire to be

Columbus,

or Lewis and Clark.

i'd be in the crowd

at the dock,

waving from the pier

as the Mayflower

took off.

don't forget to write,

i'd yell out,

then head back home

for a pot roast.

hiking the Appalachian Trail

she told me

that she used to hike through

the woods

with her

shirt off.

what? i said. no shirt,

no bra,

nothing?

it was hot, she said,

and there was no one

around

that stretch of the Appalachian

Trail for days

and  miles.

what about bug bites,

or bears,

snakes,

and hillbillies lurking

in the Georgia woods?

i didn't care, she said.

i just wanted to feel

the fresh cool air on my body.

i don't believe

you, i told her. show me.

let's go hiking.

no, she said.

i haven't known you

for that long. plus i was

drinking and doing a lot

of mushrooms

at the time.

the know it all Bubba

so which is it?

i ask

my know it all friend Bubba.

he knows everything

about everything.

so which is the bad

cholesterol

and which is the good

cholesterol?

HDL, LDL?

he laughs

and throws back his head.

taking the cigar

out of his mouth.

they aren't good

or bad.

there is no connection

between heart

disease and high cholesterol.

they've been scamming

us for seventy years

about a low fat diet.

they just want to sell you statins.

which ruin your liver,

and brings on diabetes.

the drug companies

are making a fortune on this baloney.

what you need to worry about

is your blood pressure

and your triglycerides.

colorful tombstones

it was the kind

of neighborhood that never

threw away

their cars

or washing machines,

or refrigerators.

like tombstones

they found their way

into the side yard,

or in the driveway.

all tombstones of a sort

representing

happier times.

when money was flush,

before the third

divorce.

the blue chevy on blocks,

the pink

ice box,

the periwinkle blue

washer

and dryer,

all of them set out to rust.

her dangerous perfume

she won me over

with her

new perfume.

it was called Ocean City.

Maryland.

it had the distinct

scent of boardwalk

fries

and chicken.

cotton candy

and salt water taffy.

i wanted to eat her arms,

her legs,

i wanted 

to put her fingers into

ketchup

and nibble.

and oh, her biscuits,

a drizzle of honey

was in the mix too.

what is a woman? an easy question

it used to be easy

to define

what a woman is, or what

a man is.

it was pretty much

a visual check,

a quick peek down

a pair of trousers,

or a lift of the dress

to determine,

what the deal was

down there.

the x and y chromosome

count

seemed to nail

it down too.

but things have changed.

the world 

and so many troubled

souls have

gone insane.

Code Blue ASAP

we have

become doctors, each

of us

under the spell

of the web,

web md,

and other assorted

sites

to find out what ails

us.

that sudden appearance

of a lump,

the bruise that won't

heal,

that bloody nose,

the fatigue,

the tingling in our

fingers, our toes.

we take our pulse,

check our

glucose monitor,

our blood pressure.

we prick our

fingers for a dot of blood,

we're doctor

Kildare, doctor Zhivago,

doctor Welby and

doctor House,

all rolled into one.

sweeping the room

there is therapy

in

the long broom,

the wooden handle being

pulled,

the swish

of nylon strands

across the dusty room.

cleanliness

being close

to Godliness

as they say, but in 

the end,

not so.

my mind and heart

are both still filled

with trouble.

5 minute cake

it's

early, but we're both up

for a little

monkey business

before work.

why not?

what are we living for

anyway

if we can't have a slice

of cake

once in awhile.

even it only takes

five minutes to devour.

the grizzly bear

i misjudged you.

i underestimated your intelligence,

your cleverness

and sneaky

ways.

i thought you were a dumb

bunny for the longest

times.

a deer in the headlight,

not a grizzly bear

in a cave.

you really fooled me.

and they know that

we go along with it,

we're trusting

people,

one size fits all the sign

says,

never needs ironing.

a lifetime guarantee.

all your daily

nutrients in one

candy bar.

till death do us part.

we want to believe.

what we hear and read.

and they know that.

as the water boils

there

was something about

her sitting

there

on the stool, a potato

in one

hand,

a metal peeler

in the other,

her hands

raw and red

from

doing all the things

that mothers

do,

from sunrise until

bed.

there was something 

serene

about her peeling

and peeling,

one potato after another

as the water came

to a boil.

too hard to be friends

when

young we accept the dopey

friends.

the loud,

the obnoxious, the dumb

the know it alls,

the liars

and losers,

we bend. we're young

too.

we have room in our

lives

for them.

but as time goes on,

you distance

yourself.

you lose their numbers,

you lose touch.

you no longer make

room,

it's too hard

to be friends.

there's something i need to tell you

there often comes a point

in a relationship

when one person,

usually the woman,

bows her head,

and takes your hands

into hers and says

in a quiet voice, there's

something i need to tell you.

it could be nothing

it could be that she has

three cats, or is in debt,

or loves to collect

porcelain elephants.

or it could be that she

says something like,

despite what i've said,

and what my photographs

appear to be,

i'm not a woman beneath

this dress.

Vertigo

as i climb

the stairs that twist and twist

into

the air, up into

the castle tower,

my legs begin to weaken.

at each

port window

i stare out

at the increasing distance

between me

and the earth.

i keep going up

and up

and up, until i reach the

top.

i'm dizzy,

frightened, a wave

of fear comes

over me.

sweat is pouring off

my brow.

it's happened, again,

vertigo,

no different than when i

made my

wedding vows.

15 per cent?

how much

is enough tip, i ask,

as we sit,

not eating the bad meal.

cold,

and stiff in our plates,

inedible.

the meat

like a leather strap,

the potatoes

chilled white lumps.

the roughage

of salad

drenched

in a orange colored

dressing. French?

how much

is enough, i ask.

you decide, she says.

i'll go warm

the car up, there's a

McDonald's nearby.

hold onto your hats

i see his

hat

blow off in the wind.

he chases it

down the boulevard.

as it spins wildly

gaining speed.

it's that kind

of day

today.

that kind of world

this year.

hold onto your hats

my friend.

egg nogg and cookies

the mean woman

in the neighborhood, not

the meanest,

but part of a coven

of witches

that run

the condo board, walks

by with her dog.

she's wearing

Christmas yoga pants

with reindeers

and elves printed all

over them.

she has candy canes

for earrings.

a part of me wants to

yell at her for not

replacing the bush in

front of my house that

died during the summer,

but i resist the temptation.

i'm trying so hard to be

a better person with a new

year approaching.

but still i can't help but

smile when i see her

walking away, thinking

she really needs to lay off

the egg nogg and cookies.

the morning ritual

after retrieving

the newspaper and a jug

of milk from

the front porch,

in my boxer shorts,

i wait for water

to boil

before pouring it over

a sleeve

of coffee grounds,

i do some push ups

on the kitchen floor,

a few sit ups.

i stretch, i yawn, i moan.

like a broken ballerina.

i feel as if might break

in two. i swallow

a few aspirins with

a gulp of sink water,

then turn

on the radio.

it's a commercial

for a senior home.

how do they know?

it's worse than what you think

she worked

deep

into the halls and

corridors

of the government.

in a skiff where

phones weren't allowed.

they looked

into her eyes

to see who she was

before entering

the locked vault door.

it was all top secret,

classified.

i'd ask her what's the state

of the world.

are we good, or what?

and she'd smile.

it's much worse

than anything you could

imagine,

she'd say.

but i can't talk about it.

maybe one day.

but not right now.

your ship is coming

we wait

and we wait,

we wait some more.

we are patient souls.

our ship

will come as promised,

it will,

of course.

not to worry,

not to fret.

be still, it's coming

coming,

it's coming.

soon

you will be at rest.

the love of stew

she knows

my weakness.

i can smell

the pot

of stew

as i come home

from work, beat,

shaking

the snow off of me.

removing my boots.

the meat and potatoes,

the carrots

and onions filling

the house

with warmth

the bread.

a simple thing

it is

to show love.

by food, grateful

to be home,

grateful

to be fed.

with callouses on our knees

even

the yogi curses

when

stubbing his toe.

the priest,

the pope,

the local pastor.

we're all the same

when it comes

to desires

and pain.

bowing to our nature

we wander

to the other side again

and again.

no matter how

hard we've

knelt and prayed.

we're still human

and continue

to make the same

mistakes.

slipping into the fog

partially

awake, i slip into the fog,

the rain

of December.

how deep

the woods are this

early

in the day.

too cold, too wet,

for many.

i take the path

less

traveled this time,

into

the mud and bramble,

down

to where

the thick stream

rolls.

to where the trees

have been

engraved by young

lovers,

who are now

suddenly old.

beginners yoga class

i don't understand

why

you want me

to do this, i tell my yoga

instructor,

Shamika Ghandi formerly,

known as Betty Buttermilk.

why in the ham sandwich

do you want

me to put my ankles

around my head?

i get the praying mantis thing,

and the stretches

and deep breaths, but

i haven't been able

to accomplish this feat

since i was a baby

and my mother was

changing

my diaper.

i need to see you after

class she says.

please still your voice.

you're disturbing

the others.

i murmur a curse word

under my breath then

i try as hard as i can

to place one leg

behind my head,

i hear bones cracking,

and tendons

snapping. i become a human

ball of pain.

i fall into the woman

beside me,

making her scream

and roll against the wall,

bumping her head.

whoops, i tell her, sorry.

so sorry.

would you be a dear and

help me

get out of this?

the new doctor

my new

doctor is young.

he's working on his first mustache

and is wearing

Crocs.

there's a tattoo of

Hippocrates

on his arm,

or is that some new

hipster

that i haven't heard of.

i see it as he asks me to open

wide,

throwing a light

down my

throat, holding back

my tongue

with a wooden spoon.

i have shoes

older than him.

there's not a wrinkle

on his skin.

he smells like fresh flowers

in the spring.

what could he possibly

know that i don't know from

researching

WebMD online?

finding a new religion

i go to the prison

to visit an old friend.

he's doing five to nine on

a bank robbery

that went awry.

he tells me he's religious

now as he puts his

hand up against

the bullet proof glass

that separates us

i put my hand against

his, which makes the guard

laugh for some reason.

so which religion are you

now, I ask him.

Presbyterian? Muslim,

Catholic?

Scientologist?

it depends, he says. i think

i'm all of them at the moment.

i'm covering my bases

on the whole heaven and hell

thing, plus you get your

sentenced reduced

if you attend services.

i could be out by next

Christmas.

so tell me about that new

bank in your neighborhood,

he says. how's the parking?

what's the set up

on the inside?

any guards with weapons?

a trail of blood

i spend the day

cleaning out the large kitchen

drawer

full of knives

and spatulas.

butcher knives,

serrated knives,

steak knives

it appears that i have three

of everything.

cork screws,

potato peelers,

pointed steel skewers,

graters, bottle openers,

meat thermometers, etc.

there's nothing in

this drawer that i haven't

accidentally cut my

hands on at some point

in concocting a gourmet

meal for a dinner guest.

the drawer below that one

is full of band aids

and bandages,

ointments, and an oft

used tourniquet.

small but fierce

we knew

each other in high school.

a small

and scrawny guy, but

he was angry

then, and

he's angry now.

a brawler,

he was, and still is.

always looking for a fight.

God help

the driver in the car

that cuts him

off.

or if someone

looks him in the eye.

his face

was scarred with

old stitches like a hockey

player,

and his wife

seemed to always have

a black

eye and an arm

in a cast.

i didn't ask.

i try to avoid his calls.

five miles in the woods

in her boots

and flannel shirt,

she liked

to hike and camp,

tramp

through the woods.

she knew

all the trees, the brooks,

the hills

and gullies

we might come upon.

she knew

every snake

in the forest, every bear.

she knew

where to step,

where to beware.

she had a compass,

and a whistle,

and a bandana to pull

back her hair.

it was our first

and only date, but

i let her lead the way,

because i had

no clue

what i was doing there.

two people in a car eating Chinese food with chopsticks

i saw them in their,

car, an old car.

it looked like an ancient

police car.

dents were

in the white door.

who were they?

two friends, husband and wife?

strangers

to me.

but what caught my

eye

was the bright red

and green

Christmas sweaters

they had were wearing.

the back seat was full

of wrapped

gifts to the roof.

i got into my car,

beside them, having

finished with my shopping,

but i wanted to know

more.

i could see that

they were eating

Chinese food out of

white boxes with

chopsticks.

their windows were half steamed

from the food.

they seemed hungry,

going at it

without talking. they seemed

to have nothing to say

to each other anymore.

who were they, 

where were they going?

i wanted to know

what's the deal here?

yes, there is something

wrong with me.

tell me what you need

i ask

Lilly, the black cat

that wanders

the neighborhood, how

she's doing?

long time no see, i tell

her as she

slowly

comes across the street.

i sit down on the stoop

and wait for her.

she settles herself

on the step beside me. then

she rubs her head

against my leg, my knee.

i straighten

her tail with a closed

loose fist, this makes

her purr, and stare

at me with those glass

green eyes.

what's going on?

Lilly,

tell me what you need.

we're getting older,

aren't we,

so quickly the years

go by.

it's for the better good

as she

pats the crook

of my arm with

wet gauze,

the scent of alcohol

hanging

in the air,

she

slips the needle gently

into a tapped vein

to pull

our a crimson cloud

of blood,

filling three small

vials.

the glass holding

it all in

the fluorescent

lights, like candy.

i cringe,

but don't look.

it's for the better good

of me,

i tell myself when

subjected to any kind of pain.

let's see

what lies below 

the surface.

just be home before dark

do you

ever forget your first bicycle?

never.

it was

your first method of transportation

getting you

away

from everything.

it was a rocket

ship

to mars,

a train,

a bus, a car. off you'd go,

out and beyond your

street,

your neighborhood,

the world

was suddenly

wide open,

with air in the tires

and your tireless

legs taking you afar.

you were Magellan,

Columbus,

exploring the unknown

world.

you just had to be home

for dinner,

before dark.

big fat babies

we learn

early to negotiate.

as a child

we learn that if we cry

we get

the bottle,

the juice, the candy,

someone will

pick us up

and sing us a lullaby.

our brains

get wired, it's why

we can't wait

in lines,

why we whine and

complain

when things don't

go our way.

we're fat babies now

in a world

of cribs.

leave them where they are

an army

of green vested men

arrive.

it's that time of year

again

for leaf blowing.

armed

to the teeth

with blowers, loud

tubes of air,

gas driven,

pushing

mother nature

into a giant heap

at the end of the road

where

a truck sucks it all

in for transport

somewhere.

no one

owns a rake anymore.

just plugs

for their ears.

anyone out there?

where are the bright,

the young

the moral,

the intellects, the leaders?

how did we

end up with

criminals

in power, old men,

old women.

we need someone

anyone

who can articulate

a thought,

be true to his word,

someone

that believes

in God,

anyone not going to

prison or who isn't 

wearing Depends.

nature finds a way

was it the coldest

winter

in memory, perhaps,

perhaps.

the drifts

were over the cars,

the railroad was closed.

the pipes froze,

the lights went out

as power

lines went down.

people got sick

and died

in their homes with

no way to be rescued.

the young,

the old. and yet

more babies were

conceived

in those three months

than

in the last ten years

together.

nature has a way of

evening things out.

is it okay if we skip tonight?

i knew

i was in trouble when

she said,

that we shouldn't have

sex on our

wedding night.

i think i drank too much

champagne

and ate too much

cake. she said,

besides that,

i'm tired,

it was a long day.

we haven't even opened

all the gifts yet.

i think we got three

toaster ovens

and two microwaves.

we never should have registered

at Best Buy.

is it okay

if i sleep in the other room

tonight?

what other room?

i asked her.

the other room in the hotel,

she said,

i can't sleep with your snoring

so i booked us two 

rooms.

would that be okay?

buyers remorse

we all have it,

a bit of buyers remorse

when

it come to purchases.

we save

the receipts

just in case.

we save the box,

the tracking code,

the label.

the emails, and texts.

we never know if what

we bought will

fit.

will it look the way

we thought it would

in the store,

or online.

she taught me that.

sometimes she never even

opened the box,

but just sent things

back.

focus on the red ribbon

i can hang

twenty rolls of unpasted 

designer wallpaper

on a cathedral

ceiling,

but for the life

me,

i can't wrap a shoe box with

wrapping paper

for Christmas.

it's a hack job with

a lots of tape.

focus on the red ribbon, 

please.

the sweet sound of your muffled voice

it's not so bad

losing

some range in your hearing.

no more

do you hear the persistent

ticking of the clock,

the baby next

door

is just a small cry now.

and when we

argue,

i only catch every other

angry word

you speak.

although, i am worried

about the smoke

alarm going off.

so here's the plan

so here's the plan,

the leader

tells his gang of soldiers

as they're having a pot luck

dinner one night

by candle light

in a cave.

he draws out a map

on a large napkin. Jimmy,

you still have

that tractor with the plow on it?

good, we can

cut the wire there, there and there,

then jump

the border. everyone bring

their tin snips.

once we're in we

randomly kill

a bunch of innocent people,

rape, murder, pillage

and rob,

set fire to their homes,

then we scurry back

with a few hundred of them

and tie them up.

women, babies, children,

old people,

it makes no never mind.

we hold them hostage.

it's our ace in the hole.

then we'll crawl back

into our tunnels

beneath schools and churches,

hospitals, daycare centers,

and playgrounds, where

we store our bombs and missiles,

our ammunition

and guns.

they'll never get us there.

the world is on our side, right?

and remember,

we're freedom fighters, not terrorists.

so who's in?

can i get an Amen?

come on, we can win this thing.

how about a hip hip hooray?

pass me

another hunk of bread, please,

and some cheese.

then we all need some sleep,

it's going to be a busy

day tomorrow.

flapping his wings

he's a snow

bird

now, locking up the house

and heading

south,

Tampa to be exact

to wait

out the winter

up north.

he likes to fish

and play golf,

ride his bike

and walk.

he has a friend there,

he tells me,

with a wink.

in April he returns.

he has a friend

here too,

i imagine.

a box of white lies

i fudged my

age on the dating site once

upon a time.

i made myself 

just two years younger.

i thought

two years made a huge

difference

in finding ms. right.

but she called me

on it.

and said, how could you

lie like that?

why, why, why?

what else are you hiding?

so i asked her, tell me

what color your hair

really is?

what does your face

look like

behind all that makeup.

tell me about your Botox

injections,

your liposuction,

your face job?

your spray on tan?

tell me the truth about

all the men

you're still seeing behind

my back.

let's make it easy,

hand me your phone.

another la dee da day

the irony

of being involved with a

psychopathic

narcissistic person,

is that

when it ends

we're the ones seeking

therapy

and help

for the mental illness

that they

infected us with, but

they continue on,

doing what

crazy people do.

it's just another la dee da

day for them,

as the skip about

their life,

off to

infect someone new.

the Exxon Christmas card

i finally get

the annual

Christmas card from the corner

gas station.

The Exxon Station

where i get my gas

and my cars

inspected.

it's a beautiful card,

long and wide

and when i open it up,

music plays.

Bing Crosby

singing White Christmas.

angels pop up,

and there's

Santa in a sleigh flying

across the star

lit sky.

it's a beautiful card,

so lovely

that I ignore

the grease on the envelope

and coupons

for an oil

change inside.

you too, i tell her

are you

following me on twitter

or X

or whatever it's called now?

she asks

me, as i lie out in the sun

listening

to the birds

doing what birds do

in the woods.

did you see

what i posted yesterday?

you won't believe

how many

hits i got.

my followers

are going crazy

over what i said.

it's chaos.

you should 

really join.

you're missing out on

so much of

what's going on in

the world.

you too, i tell her,

you too.

not going by the book

i prefer the simple

recipe.

the one where i don't have

to measure

and weigh,

or time

anything.

put the book away,

let's

see what we have here.

let our

tasted buds

lead the way.

i'm tired

of going by the book.

where has it

gotten me?

the old school

how easily

we slip into reminiscing

about

the good old days.

the neighborhood,

the street

we grew up on.

the games we played,

the girls

we fell in love with.

the school

we attended.

how safe it is to return

home again.

it warms us,

brings us closer

before the end.

do we still need men

apparently

the world still needs men,

despite

the  trend

that women claim

that we can live

without them,

who will build,

who

will repair

and climb, and dig and

tunnel,

who will be

there when

the lights go out?

who will

stand and fight,

defend.

despite the current

thoughts

of women?

i do believe it will be

mostly men.

per usual.

the crazy kiss

at the party,

under the mistletoe,

when we first met,

she took a bite

out of my

cheek,

feigning a kiss,

ala

Sylvia Plath,

i yelped

placing my hand

on the fresh

wound.

the blood ran down

my face

as she laughed.

it was the beginning

of something,

something strange

and beyond

understanding.

how long

could this possibly last?

surprise snow

to wake

up to snow is a wonder

if there

is nowhere

you need to be

or go.

it's been so long

since

we've had such an

overnight

blanket

of white.

a foot deep at least.

let's sit by the window

for a while

and watch

it come down,

then

we'll put our boots on,

our winter

coats, our gloves,

our hats,

grab

our shovels

and head out.

toss the old

the garbage

heaps up outside our homes.

it's not

just washers

and dryers anymore,

old Ford Pintos.

it's televisions,

fat or flat screens,

and phones, computers,

laptops

and i pads,

most just a few

years old.

7 G

follows 5 G,

another version, new

and improved,

of an

android or apple phone.

it's Christmas

open wide

as they push them all

down

our throats,

convincing us that new

is better,

toss the old.

the progress of man

the progress of man

engaged in war,

is easy to follow.

i think it started with a rock.

a sling shot,

then a bone,

maybe

a stick,

which became an arrow.

then some smarty

pants beat some metal

into a sword

and then

they figured out

how to boil

oil

and pour it down

the castle walls.

they flung fire into

the attacking

mobs.

it wasn't long before

a gun came

about, a handy little

six shooter

nestled in a holster,

then a rifle then a machine

gun.

Nobel invented

dynamite

at some point, which

made it easy to blow up

a lot of people

all at once.

then

a mathematical genius,

or three,

got busy on

their blackboards

and figured out a way

to end it all

with one big crazy bomb.

ah, the progress of man.

who to believe and follow

the world

is chock full of influencers.

men and women

degreed

or not degreed,

proselytizing

their beliefs on religion

and diet,

exercise.

the climate, the wars,

the borders.

their way or the highway.

drink this,

eat this,

pray like i'm praying

if you want

to get to heaven.

save whales,

kill the babies.

electricity or oil, pick

your poison.

it's an industry of chaos

and confusion,

who to believe, who

to follow.

when it's best to figure

it out

on your own.

let your gut be your guide,

not your

phone.

this won't be good

when the bombs

at last

fall, and the earth is scorched,

wasted,

you wonder

how long you'd survive

in that mess.

a week, a month?

but what would be the point,

no coffee shops,

no netflix.

would i still have to walk

my dog

on a leash, or would all 

the rules be

broken?

no electricity or water

to speak of.

we'd be back to rubbing

two sticks together

for fire.

ten minutes for a quarter

let's stop

for the night, i told her as

we pulled

into the roadside motel

off 95, heading

south.

we'd been driving

in the rain for ten hours.

she was already half

asleep.

it was a cheap room,

with a clerk

with one eye at the desk.

he gave us the key

and we went

in, falling

onto the hard bed.

there was a meter next

to it, that made

the bed vibrate. i slid

a quarter in making the mattress

shake like

bacon on a griddle.

this made her wake

up, and put her arms

around me.

okay, she said. but hurry,

i'm nearly dead.

and then she got old

she had

power over men and she knew it.

she clubbed

them with

her curves

and hair, her long

lashes. she

made fools of them,

as they reached

for her

skirt, her womanly wares.

all eyes

fell on her.

it was a game

she never lost.

another man, another notch.

then she got

old.

game over.

inside the fog

a soft

grey fog arrives

in the early morning,

a blur

of half light

before sunrise.

a hollow

of air

to get lost in, 

a strange delight

before coming out

the other side,

the best years

there are defining

moments in one's life, 

a mix of tragedy

and joy,

but then

there are long stretches

of nothing.

years of quietly

going about

your days, your nights.

savor these times.

relish the lack

of noise.

sailors

with her

father at the helm

of the boat,

we parted from the dock

and headed

to Smith Island.

no words,

nothing said, for how

could we

manage a conversation

in the wind

and noise

from the growling

engine as it plowed

the bay.

it was an uneventful voyage,

but the last one.

i could see they were

alike,

her father and her.

impenetrable, eyes

cast on distant shores.

cutting up earth worms

as kids

when we went fishing

in the potomac river

five miles

from where we lived,

we'd get up

early to find worms

in the back yard.

digging them

up under

the wet grass with a spoon

we found

in the kitchen.

the sun would barely

be up.

ten worms was plenty

to last the whole

day.

cutting them into

thirds

with a pen knife,

then

placing them in a

sandwich bag.

we were good at math,

not so much at fishing.

my anxiety was triggered

Baskin and Robbins

triggered

my anxiety.

taking the ticket for

the line,

so many barrels to choose

from.

so little time.

i'd begin to sweat,

my heart would pound,

i can't keep getting

the same flavors

over and over again,

on a sugar cone.

mint chocolate chip

or rocky road, could

I finally break out of my

usual? maybe get a cup,

or a waffle cone,

was it time to take a chance

on Butter Brickle?

when the mask fell off

it was

interesting how she prayed

over her meals,

went to church

three times

a week, listened

to the Catholic channel

on the radio

and had three sets of rosary

beads hanging

from her rear

view mirror.

not to mention the altar

she built in the house,

and the giant

cross she wore around her

neck the size of a spatula.

no one guessed or had

a clue

who she really was

behind closed doors, 

when no one was looking,

not even me,

until the mask fell off.

the horror, the horror

there is a gasping

moment

now in every movie or tv show

when someone

throws

a phone out the car window,

or into the ocean,

or smashes it

with a boot

or hammer.

evil having no boundaries.

the entire audience in

the theater,

murmurs oh no. oh my

God. gasping,

oh my God, oh no,

what next?

was everything backed up?

the decorative cutlery

unable to find

a clean

fork or knife or spoon,

i grab

the giant wooden fork

that's hanging

on the wall.

the second wife put it

there

as some sort of decoration.

i believed she watched

too many

episodes of little house

on the prairie.

it's not easy

eating a salad

with a giant wooded fork,

but it'll have

to do.

stolen identity

when i get

home from work there's a Jamaican

man

sitting at the dinner

table,

eating with my wife

and children.

my dog is at his feet.

what's this all about, i ask,

setting my briefcase

down, my hands

on my hips.

he's you now, my wife says.

he showed me

his I.D.

and he knows everything there

is to know about us

and you.

he's stolen your identity.

hey, man, he says to me, pull

up a chair brother.

this chicken is delicious.

didn't i talk to you

this afternoon,

i ask him.

you wanted my Medicare

information

to send me a new card?

yeah, man.

that was me.

come on, come on. sit down,

please.

you know you shouldn't give

out your information

so easily.

let's do something fun this weekend

i used to

go to the opera with her,

or to go see the River Dancer show,

or to the shoe

sales

at the mall.

we'd go see the cherry

blossoms

in April,

we'd  pick blue berries

on a farm

a hundred

miles from here.

we'd visit her cousin

who makes

straw

baskets in West Virginia, or

attend the Apple Butter Festival

in Winchester.

finally we broke

up.

and now when i see her

with her new

boyfriend driving by

off on some new

adventure, i wave at them 

and smile

while the new boyfriend

shakes his head

in despair

and closes his eyes.

i love that jacket you're wearing

it used to be

that

you could talk to people

in line

at the store,

complete strangers,

or say

hello when passing

by.

you could tip your hat,

smile and nod.

perhaps

offer a comment

about the weather

or complement them

on the jacket they

may be wearing.

it used to be that

no one

thought you were a

psychopath

back then

for doing that.

the fallen tree

at last

the enormous tree fell

beyond the fence

in the night

after

the heavy rain

and ice.

it gave up

and dropped towards the stream

down the slope.

the weight of it

unbearable

at last.

the gravity of all things

and age

taking it down.

not yet, not yet,

but us too,

one day.

movie stars

it's hard

being a celebrity, rich

and famous,

a movie

or pop star,

but dumb

as a rock.

saying things about

issues

they have

no clue what they're

talking about.

but the worship

of their fans,

the adoration,

gives them courage

to do so.

and out from their

mouths

comes a tumbling

a lot of

uneducated B S

about the worlds 

problems.

my fault, again

a strange puddle

of water

appears

on the floor in the basement.

i look around

the pipes,

the washer

the sink.

i can find no leaks

no trail

of water.

i have no dog either.

i have no one to blame

it on but

myself for

whatever caused

the spill.

i need more people in

my life

to blame

things on.

the perfectonist

the unhappiest

person

in the world is the

perfectionist.

wishing and hoping

for what

can never be,

but still trying their

hardest

to make it so,

making everyone

around them

miserable.

taking it to the next level

my significant other

suggests that

maybe we need to jazz up our

sex life a little.

i lower

the newspaper

to see if she's joking.

she's not.

are you bored, i ask her,

no, not bored exactly,

we're just sort of stuck in a 

routine.

you  know, Wednesday after Law

and Order

is over.

or Saturday

after Saturday night live,

if we aren't too tired.

we need

to take it to another level.

jazz it up.

i mean our level is

good, don't get me wrong

but we

can spice it up a little.

my friend Amber,

at the gym,

told me about a store

downtown

in an alley behind

the liquor store where they

sell sex stuff.

like what?

i put the newspaper

down. the dog hops up into

my lap

and we both listen intently.

oh you know, the usual kind

of stuff.

yes?

leather outfits, vinyl boots,

the usual

gizmos and things.

feathers and toys,

whips and chains.

risqué lingerie,

cages.

riding crops. party masks.

wigs and toy guns.

cages? guns?

yeah, but easy to unlock

cages,

same with the handcuffs,

and the guns are fake.

everything is biodegradable

and no animals

were hurt in the making

of these products.

although a lot of the gizmos

require double AA batteries

or an electrical outlet

nearby. and, and,

the beauty of this is that

they leave absolutely no

carbon footprint.

Greta Thunberg would shop there.

my friend says that her and her

husband 

go there all the time,

usually after happy hour,

and they have a safe word

if things start to get out

of hand.

what's their safe word?

she says it's Ouch or Stop.

makes sense,

i tell her.

how about we start off a little

slow.

maybe one of those

feather duster things.

see how that goes.

i saw something like that at

home depot the other

day

when i was buying paint.

i'll pick one up

next time i'm in there.

i need to buy some weed killer

for the yard.

the weeds are out of control

this year.

bathtub beer

my father

enjoyed beer so much that

one day

he decided to make

his own

beer in

the bathtub.

the only tub in the house.

this didn't go well with

my mother

who had five

kids to take care of,

to feed and scrub.

for years

we all smelled like

malt liquor.

as we stumbled

around, thoroughly

buzzed.

across the Mersey

after

she moved to 
England,

in a flat near Liverpool,

i never

heard from her

again.

no postcard,

no nothing.

she left me in the dust.

changed her

name to Maggie,

and started eating

butter pies

for breakfast,

hanging out

in soccer pubs.

she let her hair go

curly and a rusty

shade of red,

let her skin go

pale

from lack of sun.

for awhile we were in

love,

i truly thought that

she was the one.

Blimey.

stay away from these people

if there's a volcano

erupting

these people have to go

there

and stand on the edge

to view 

the molten lava,

they have to fly into

the eye of a hurricane,

or be on the ground

as a twister

destroys everything

in its path.

they like to jump out

of perfectly

good planes.

they have to dive deep

into the ocean

to view the Titanic,

they have to climb

Mt. Everest

with a rope and a pickaxe.

they have to plant

a flag on the moon, or

Mars, or go

to the Macy's Day Parade.

my advice is, stay away

from these people.

far far away.

for the person who has everything

what gift do you

give

to the person

who has everything, and

has the money

to buy

more?

what possible thing

is on a shelf,

on a truck,

online

or in a store, than can

show you

how much you care

for this person

and adore?

another book,

another bauble, 

another gift card

Applebee's or

to Red Lobster

or the Container

Store?

three bites of tiramisu

she doesn't order

dessert,

because she knows i will.

she'll

be coy about it,

oh no, she'll say, not

for me,

i'm stuffed, i'm full,

but of course when

the plate

of tiramisu comes

out,

it's her coffee spoon

reaching

from across

the table for one more

bite, maybe two,

okay,

three. blaming it all

on me,

when tomorrow

her dress is tight.

glory days

i understand

the childlike enthusiasm

for games, men

being boys for as long

as they can.

bats and balls, gloves

and uniforms.

glory days, extended

into the dying

light.

bouncing the ball,

running

on busted knees,

spent tendons.

one more game, just

more shot,

one more chance

at winning, or even

losing,

is all we want.

the defrosting

at last,

a week in, maybe

nine days

or so, 

after a familiar

verbal brawl

about leaving the butter

out,

she began

to defrost a little,

became

a little less

cold.

she actually

looked at me

without a scowl,

when she came home

from work,

and murmured

a soft hello.

rainy day people

it's the good weather

friend

at the door,

the one flush with money,

filled to

the brim with love

and joy,

that makes you pretend

that you aren't home,

makes you lay still

and quiet

away from the window,

on the floor.

give me the rainy day

souls

anytime,

they understand you 

more.

the winter cricket

the large green 

cricket

hopping across the carpet

from shadow

into light

in great leaps

is a wonder.

finding his way in.

through what door?

what window,

what secret passage?

is he alone,

does he have a family,

friends?

i watch him

disappear

down the hallway,

pushing himself high

into the air.

jumping, jumping.

going somewhere.

he's lost.

i wish him all the luck

in the world.

who hasn't been there?

crackers and peanut butter

funny what you'll

settle

for when

truly hungry, or truly

in need

of love and affection.

crackers

and peanut butter,

the crazy girl,

next door

teaching piano

lessons.

567 9031

for no reason,

the phone number of the phone

that hung

on our kitchen

wall

fifty years ago,

enters my mind.

all seven

digits,

it was before we

needed ten

to connect with

someone on

the other end.

and now

a hundred numbers

fill my pocket phone,

all of them unknown.

i barely remember

mine.

once upon a time

nearly

every memory can begin

with the words

once upon a time.

one year, one month,

one week

can suffice.

even an hour contains

some stretch 

of time,

some sort of happening

that's left

behind.

the sign in the clouds

a good

hot soup should do the trick.

a broth

of sorts,

steaming

hot

to a boil, should

help me turn the corner

on this nagging

cough,

and cold

that has me under

the covers.

i shine the bat sign

out into the clouds,

in the shape

of a bowl,

with a spoon.

chicken noodles,

or a nice thick clam

chowder.

come soon.

coming for you

the neighborhood

watch

is out there.

i can see the mob

of angry

men and women,

children too

with

their torches.

carrying signs.

they're in the street,

searching,

peering into

windows,

questioning your

diverse opinion,

looking for the likes

of you.

a cold glass of water

is there

anything better than a cold

glass of

water

on a sweltering

summer day.

your kiss comes close,

really close.

give me another,

let's see

if you can persuade

me.

vacancy

the light is on,

vacancy.

it's a rental,

a room,

a place to lay your

head

before

you're back into the car

and down

the road again.

it's a stop

along the way,

out of the rain.

temporary,

as you are.

dirty talk

i told her that

it turned me on when she

talked dirty,

it melted my butter

when she whispered

dirty things into my ear

to get me aroused and

excited. i dimmed

the lights

and climbed in bed

next to her.

okay, i told her.

i'm ready.

okay, she said,

well,

tomorrow i'm going

to clean the bathrooms

she said,

all of them,

and then

vacuum

the entire house, 

the cobwebs will be gone.

i'm going to spray

windex on the windows.

i'm going to

change the sheets on

the bed, do all the laundry.

all of it, then

fold it and carry it upstairs

in a basket,

and then, and then,

yes, yes,

go on, i told her.

don't stop.

i'm going to wash and wax

the kitchen floor

on my hands and knees,

so that it's clean enough

to eat off of.

oh my God,

whew, i said. exhaling, 

exhausted and out of breath,

a smile on  my face.

i lit a cigarette.

and leaned back to look

at her.

you're amazing, 

you know that?

what you do know

with more

and more years, you realize

the shallowness

of your

knowledge.

how little you know

about life

about the world you live

in.

which is alright.

you make due with what

you do know,

the lessons

learned

by surviving.

what's meant to be

it's normal the curiosity

we have

for one another, when becoming

friends,

or beyond that,

lovers.

we ask, how did you get here

from there?

do you tell

them about the woman,

at forty three,

the girlfriend

who died

in her sleep

upstairs, how you bought

her house

and that now 

you have lived in it

for nearly twenty years?

or do you leave that part out?

and instead offer them

a view of the woods

out the window,

the trees, the blue sleeve

of stream that puts you

to sleep at night. 

do you tell them 

that it was meant to be

somehow?

the prodigal father

in his later years

when

he reappeared

in our lives,

his spoon got

heavy, his feast on

the table

was always too much.

too much

food, too much drink.

too long

of hugs,

there was a sudden

abundance of

generosity.

it was obvious

what he was up to,

trying so hard to rewrite

his life for us.

everything changes

change

is hard and yet that's all

the world

does,

but change

its shape,

from cloud to sea,

to shore.

even us, aging,

set in our

ways,

moving on towards

the next day,

the next day, each

different,

different, and even

then

nothing remains

the same

as we're laid into

our grave.

boycotting a coffee shop

it's interesting

when people boycott businesses

for one reason

or another,

politically, or environmentally

motivated.

that's it, they say,

marching outside

the door.

i'm no longer going to buy

a Venti seven dollar

mocha skim latte

with three pumps 

of chocolate and whipped

cream and an extra shot

anymore, no more stale

five-dollar squares of crumb

cake either.

until they end all wars,

take care of the homeless,

lower inflation,

find me a job,

clean up the ocean

and eliminate their carbon

footprint from the earth.

how dare they rob my future.

that's it.

i've drawn my line in the sand.

with this company,

this will teach them

a lesson.

i will no longer be a customer

of this establishment.

and i might lose weight too.

the blank card is best

i go for the plain

holiday cards now, the blank

ones.

the ones

that aren't full of mushy

platitudes about

the person

you're sending it to.

no one can stand up to such

a high bar.

the best dad ever?

always there for me?

really?

a most grateful and loving

son and daughter,

grateful, ha.

a mom who's always on

my side, through

thick and thin? right.

it's not all good, we're human,

we're flawed.

we're not caricatures in a 

Hallmark movie

on the lifetime channel.

the blank card is best,

the kind with a single

snowflake on front,

with a few

words. something like

love you. happy holidays.

i wish you all the best.

life on other planets

more and more

people

are staring out their windows

with telescopes

looking for

life on other planets.

me too.

sometimes i focus my lens

on Mars,

and stare at it for hours.

although occasionally

i get distracted

and see this very

attractive woman

in the high-rise building

a few blocks away,

on the tenth floor,

a corner apartment

she's doing yoga

in her living room,

standing on her head

in a skin tight leopard

outfit.

amazing flexibility.

if he wins, i'm leaving

before every presidential

election

you hear people say with a straight

face,

if that guy wins,

that's it,

i'm leaving, i'm moving out

of the country.

of course.

they don't.

they get used to the same old,

same old.

they go to work.

they eat and sleep, raise

their kids,

walk their dogs.

sure they complain, and

kick and scream,

but they don't leave.

they don't know where to go.

France, Germany,

Costa Rica, maybe?

they eventually suck it up though

and move on,

having never packed a bag.

it's all in the game.

the non-blinking eye

the world

knows everything there is

to know

about you.

your age,

your weight, your height,

the color of your skin.

they know

where you live, what you eat,

what you watch,

or don't watch on tv.

they know your needs

and desires.

they know where you shop,

where you go

on vacation.

they know the soap you

buy, the milk you drink,

where and how far

you drive.

they know

who you voted for,

they know which side

of the bed you got up on,

they keep track of your

children,

your parents, your husbands

and wives.

they know everything

about you from

top to bottom.

the world is a non-blinking

eye.

make small talk only

you hear people say,

whatever you do, don't talk about

politics

or religion, at a party,

don't bring up racism,

or wars,

or anything

important.

keep it to small talk,

keep

it peaceful and calm.

don't disagree, just smile and

be quiet.

keep your opinions to yourself.

go along

and ignore.

tip toe on that carpet

of eggshells.

sounds a lot like my

last marriage.

we were both on the same page

she didn't marry

me

for my money, or my looks,

or my

position

in the world,

and we had no shared

interests,

so what was it

that attracted her

to me?

was it

just the sex?

the intimacy?

were we both on the same

page after all?

the job interview

the pencils

on his desk were all lying

down flat,

two inches apart.

each pointing north

he was wearing a bowtie.

and a red

sweater without sleeves.

the paper clips were

in a small jar,

the stacks of paper

were neatly

aligned, perfectly

collated and

alphabetized.

there was a ball of rubber

bands that he

took out of his drawer

and bounced

on the floor.

so where do you want

to be in five years, 

young man, he asked me,

anywhere but here,

i told him

and knocked his hourglass

to the floor.

the paranormal

unbeknownst

to me

the house i once lived

in was

on ancient burial ground.

who knew.

but my dog seemed

to know.

barking his little head

off at something

in the corner of the room,

near the ceiling.

i stood on a chair

and reached my hand

up, and felt around, see,

see, i told him, nothing here

to be afraid of,

and then i felt my arm

slip into a very cold

sleeve of air. ice cold

from my hand to my

shoulder. the dog

yelped and ran

out of the room. i quickly

followed.

choosing the right stock in America

years ago

i made the right decision in

investing

in

girdles and stretch pants,

tent like

clothes

to hide

the fat.

i invested in liposuction

and

diabetic pills,

Hawaiin sugar cane fields.

the fried food

was everywhere,

the candy

and cookies,

the Oreos, double filled.

as soon as i saw another

duck donut

shop

in the neighborhood,

another Baskin
and Robins,

and a cupcake shack,

i took a chance.

now i'm rolling in the

dough,

not cookie dough,

but cold

hard cash.

a flying plate of spagehetti

my mother,

being the Italian woman that she

was,

would throw

dishes at my father

when he came home late,

scratched and smelling of

perfume,

lipstick on his collar.

she'd take a plate of spaghetti

and meatballs

and throw it at him

as he sat down

for dinner, playing innocent,

smirking and full

of charm.

she'd usually miss

though, and the plate

would crash against

the far wall.

she had a hell of an arm.

the dog would

come running in, happy

at what he found.

by the end of the night, after

we were all

in bed, except me on the steps

in the hallway,

near the door,

i could hear them making

love again in the squeaky bed

with the clanging

headboard,

all was well once more.

that gut feeling

if you

feel it in your gut,

a hunch,

a premonition,

a tingling

of sorts,

listen to it.

it's never ever wrong.

your gut has more

neurons

in it than your

actual brain does.

it keeps you

alive,

your gut knows

everything,

it tells you

what or who to fear,

when to run,

it leads you,

protects you.

listen to it and

survive.

how long does a goldfish live?

to get a dog,

or not get a dog, that's the question.

a small dog?

lap size, a dog i can

carry to the vet

when he eats

a dead bird.

medium size?

a non-barker,

with a good digestive

system.

fun, but not too fun,

i need some

rest.

house trained, or a brand

new dog

right out of the oven?

pedigree or mutt?

a left over at the pet

store

or at the dog pound

locked up for bad behavior?

can i reform

the dog?

rehabilitate him?

is he on meds, shock

therapy?

hmmm.

what about a gold fish?

how long do they live?

i can't remember

i can't remember

the last

hangover i had,

the last

time

i threw up, or had

a raging headache

after a night

of drinking.

i can't remember when

was the last

time

i woke up not knowing

where i was,

asleep

somewhere,

waking up next to a stranger,

dry mouth

and woozy,

wondering

where my car

keys were,

waking up the person

still asleep and asking her,

how do i get to the beltway

from here?

the lost and found drawer

the lost

and found drawer

in the other room is full

of things

left behind.

a watch,

a bracelet, a brush,

a comb.

eyeglasses. who leaves

without their

specs

or one high heel

shoe.

a silk stocking, whose?

a book

on desserts,

a book on tantric,

a book on booze.

a small brown bottle 

of pills,

a broken picture frame,

the picture missing,

a tube of glue.

three eggs in a pan

i crack three

brown eggs into the black

pan

of melted butter

and stir.

turning the heat down.

i've done this before.

so many times

i've stood here in this

kitchen,

at this stove,

with this pan,

cracking eggs. usually

just three,

rarely more.

outside the window

the seasons

have changed.

years have rolled by.

children have grown.

i reach up for the salt

and pepper shakers

in the cupboard.

hmmm, they must be busy

when people

don't call back, or text back,

for weeks,

or write

you a note,

or email you.

when there's no smoke

signal,

no knock at the door,

no drive by,

no nothing but silence.

you shrug your shoulders,

and think oh well.

they must be busy.

it is that time of year.

getting ready for the physical

before

my yearly physical,

i try to lose weight,

i ponder joining

a gym,

i meditate

for three minutes a day.

i throw out all the candy

cake

and cookies

and stop

drinking gin.

i buy some carrots,

some

fruit,

some nuts and seeds.

i'm basically a bird

at the bird

feeder for the whole week.

i do

some push ups

on the floor,

some sit ups.

i stretch, then walk

around the block, quickly

with my arms

and hands

in motion

like a duck.

the doctor is going to be

amazed

at the specimen

i am.

how much for this tree here?

because

the trees are in the church

parking lot

at St. Bernadettes's i expect

a kinder

more reasonable price

on the six foot blue

fir.

but no,

the burly men

sipping amber

liquids from

silver flasks, will

have none of that.

they are as firm and

tight on price

as the rug

dealers in Ephesus,

not budging an inch

on this cold winter night.