my significant other
suggests that
maybe we need to jazz up our
sex life a little.
i lower
the newspaper
to see if she's joking.
she's not.
are you bored, i ask her,
no, not bored exactly,
we're just sort of stuck in a
routine.
you know, Wednesday after Law
and Order
is over.
or Saturday
after Saturday night live,
if we aren't too tired.
we need
to take it to another level.
jazz it up.
i mean our level is
good, don't get me wrong
but we
can spice it up a little.
my friend Amber,
at the gym,
told me about a store
downtown
in an alley behind
the liquor store where they
sell sex stuff.
like what?
i put the newspaper
down. the dog hops up into
my lap
and we both listen intently.
oh you know, the usual kind
of stuff.
yes?
leather outfits, vinyl boots,
the usual
gizmos and things.
feathers and toys,
whips and chains.
risqué lingerie,
cages.
riding crops. party masks.
wigs and toy guns.
cages? guns?
yeah, but easy to unlock
cages,
same with the handcuffs,
and the guns are fake.
everything is biodegradable
and no animals
were hurt in the making
of these products.
although a lot of the gizmos
require double AA batteries
or an electrical outlet
nearby. and, and,
the beauty of this is that
they leave absolutely no
carbon footprint.
Greta Thunberg would shop there.
my friend says that her and her
husband
go there all the time,
usually after happy hour,
and they have a safe word
if things start to get out
of hand.
what's their safe word?
she says it's Ouch or Stop.
makes sense,
i tell her.
how about we start off a little
slow.
maybe one of those
feather duster things.
see how that goes.
i saw something like that at
home depot the other
day
when i was buying paint.
i'll pick one up
next time i'm in there.
i need to buy some weed killer
for the yard.
the weeds are out of control
this year.
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