years ago, decades maybe.
my girlfriend at the time asked me
to pick her up
an item at the local sex emporium.
to which i reluctantly agreed.
i put on a hat, sunglasses,
and a fake mustache and snuck
into the back door, taking a cab
there since it was close to the church
i attend.
i went to the counter, where a woman
named amber, i knew that because
it was tattooed on her breastbone,
greeted me with a cheerful hello.
i asked her quietly if she could
assist me in the purchase of a
woman's 'massage' implement.
you know, a marital aide.
she smiled and said no problem.
i caught the reflection of myself
on the giant gumball adornment
screwed into her tongue.
what size? she said loudly.
how many speeds? electric or
battery powered?
shhhh. i said to her. why are you
yelling?
she brought out six boxes of
different items and took them out,
lining them up on
the greasy counter. they were of
all different sizes and colors,
shapes.
she turned them all on
and described the pros and cons
of each one
as they jumped and vibrated
around the counter
like mexican jumping beans.
i said, geeze marie, i don't know,
it's so confusing, which
one would you buy?
she pointed at a purple colored one
that reminded me of a certain
vegetable at the supermarket
it uses lithium batteries
and can be recharged with a phone
charger. nine speeds, she
said proudly.
it also has an led light at the end
of it.
what for? i asked her, to which
she said, Really?.
okay. okay, i said. can you wrap it up?
is cash okay.
sure, she said. but no returns.
of course not, i said. that goes
without saying.
