never been married

the man

at the hardware store,

Frank,

after making me a new

set of house keys,

asks me

how many times i've been

married.

i hold up three fingers,

he laughs

and says, get out of town,

no way

you've been burned

that many times.

but i tell him hold on

a miniute.

let me break it down for you.

the first one

was for six months,

and it was annulled by the Pope,

she walked home

with her suitcase

and a toaster oven.

the second one i caught

her cheating with my son's

karate teacher,

but besides that we were

married in a foreign

country, so that one doesn't

count either,

and the last one,

well, she had a married boyfriend

the whole year

we were together,

and i believe she had her

fingers crossed when

she said her vows.

so you can throw that one

out the window too.

so basically i've never

been married.

i make a zero with my

thumb and finger.

zero times, brother, zero.