waiting on sleep to arrive

she fell asleep on the train,

her head

resting on my shoulder.

i had the window seat,

and stared at the world

rolling by.

the trees and water,

the churches with weddings

in progress,

past the cemeteries,

the factories, the abandoned

houses, the litter

and all the beauty.

mile after mile.

the rust of it all.

the sheen of new.

there were children,

men and women

on porches.

standing at windows,

white haired,

and thin,

some waving as the train

passed by.

it was everything and

nothing.

this world outside.

at last i was tired enough,

i closed my eyes.

ashes in a can

where

will the ashes go?

back home?

which is where?

what sea,

what ocean, what

country

shall we toss him

into the air.

and be done.

look at how easily

they fly

away.

a single life

tucked in a can,

now gone.

shooting at Paradiso

there was a shooting

at the strip

club

the other night.

the cops arrived, the crowd

came out

to witness

the bodies lying in

a pool blood

in the parking lot.

even the dancers came

out in their

stockings and thin

robes,

teetering in

high heels, with

dollar bills still stuck

to their legs.

and then someone,

the boss, a barrel

of a man

yelled out, nothing

to see here,

back to work

girls.

on with the show.

another batch of humans

people haven't given up,

have they?

the yards

are full of children.

what

are other sign of hope

is more

important

than that. perhaps

the next

batch of humans will

figure this out.

get it right, at last.

a longer spin cycle, perhaps?

maybe my

clothes aren't bright enough,

the whites

whiter, the colors

more pronounced,

maybe i'm using the wrong

detergent.

should i go with

the condensed powder,

or the liquid.

do i go with soft

wash, or cold.

have i cheated myself on

the spin cycle?

do i use bleach, perhaps

a cap full

of softener, or a ply

of scented

chemicals in the dryer.

i need to

analyze my washing procedures.

maybe take a class 

at night at the community

center.

my clothes seem

to have a sour odor, 

a swampy smell to them,

having left them wet

in the washer overnight,

this could be directly

related to being home alone

on the weekends.

weeding the yard

after early morning

church, you'll find

the old

man in his yard,

bent

over

raking, spreading

mulch.

digging weeds.

the neighbor

and his wife are gone

now.

they went south.

a new family will arrive

soon

to introduce themselves.

maybe his

children

will stop by, his ex wife,

to see how

he's getting along.

bring him clothes

and cakes, help

him charge his phone.

he wonders

as he rests in the sun,

sitting on the steps,

what the point was

in all of this.

what was it all about?

what could go wrong?

it's not rocket science,

but

it feels that

way as i lay out the diagrams,

without words,

vague sketches

of how the bookcase

should be made.

there's a drawing

of each nail

and screw, bolt and cam,

drawn to size

and numbered.

i turn on the big light.

the small light

and put a flashlight in

my hand.

i separate the twelve

pieces of pressed

wood from

the box,

then find a hammer,

a screw driver,

and a gin

and tonic, what could go

wrong?

in three or four hours,

i'll have an answer.

the dead sea scroll

the clerk,

young as young can be,

peach fuzzed,

and exhausted from

being up so early,

searches

the newspaper

for a bar code, 

turning it side to side,

with a quizzical

look on his blank face,

but it's oblivious he's never

seen one of these. 

this ancient scroll

from some dead sea,

so i tell him, try the back

at the very bottom,

and he finds it.

then searches the paper,

section by section,

looking for more.

i stop him and tell him,

that's all there is.

there are no more.

the carvings

some kid

came along and etched his name

in the tree

in our yard.

he thought his

love still lived here,

though she moved

a long time ago.

i could see the sickness

in his eyes as

he carved his name

and hers

together.

i watched from the window.

understanding 

the trouble of love

and not letting go.

the shark bite

shyly,

she shows

me the scar on her leg,

lifting up

the hem

of her skirt,

shark,

she says.

he took a bite of me

on the gulf coast.

my turn

i tell her,

and begin to nibble

gently

on her neck

hoping she doesn't

swim away.

pulling the car over

as i pull

the car over to the side

of the road

to give the wild children

a tongue lashing,

but sprinkled with

love and care

i realize

that i don't have any

children,

that i'm not even in

a car.

but it would be nice

to be there.

unconditional love

there is none,

not really, we all draw lines

in the sand.

we have boundaries

and rules

to go by. lines

that can't

be crossed.

i think you should

know by now,

it's over.

i hope you understand.

so let go

of my heart.

my hand. there's no love

for you anymore.

nothing dies

no matter

how low i cut the vines,

or sever the roots

of brush,

and shrub

in late summer,

i'm always surprised

come spring

at how everything

i once thought dead

is still alive.

you will always be alone

i know

what you're thinking.

so

don't say it. don't utter

a single

word.

the fog

has lifted, the ship

is in port.

take your luggage

and your life

and begone.

don't turn and wave,

safe travels,

with the wind in 

your sails.

i know that you 

will always be alone.

another glass of milk

i come back

to milk.

i've missed it.

the tall cold glass,

white,

leaving a fine froth

upon

my lips.

i've missed you

whole milk,

labeled A2

from the creamery.

how a nice

a word is that?

creamery. organic

thick as glue.

pour me another.

i can almost hear

the moo.

finding a corner

not good at small talk,

i find

a chair on the far

side of the room,

near the dog

asleep

on the floor.

we get along just fine.

no talk

of politics, no jokes

or flattery, no

talk of weather, or wars,

or money.

tell me about your

wine cellar,

your new car? 

your trip to Singapore, no,

none of that,

with fido, it's a wonderful

time.

the early red flag

she said she could cook.

i believed

her.

i believed nearly everything

she told me.

how could i not.

just look at her,

an angel.

a beauty from above.

but

when the stove

caught fire,

catching the curtains,

the rug,

setting off the alarm,

and filling the house

with smoke,

i began wonder.

teaching your children

if you grow

up

in chaos and fear,

parents battling

through

the night.

the adrenaline rush is in

your veins.

drama on the high seas.

it's home to you,

the broken

glass, the violence,

the cut

wires.

it's what you know and

what you'll

seek in another,

wrongly,

not knowing there is

a real thing,

called peace and quiet.

love without fear.

at a certain age

to each

child the question looms

at a certain

age,

about life and death.

the road

ahead.

is there a God,

is there

hell or heaven, or has

someone made

it all up

to keep us in line.

to keep

us wondering

to keep our heads

down,

hands on the wheel, 

quietly biding our time.

it's not you at all

in the store window,

the reflection, of course,

is not you,

it's an imaginary

glimpse

of light and form,

not you

at all, for you are still

young,

bright and strong,

and it's not your age

that others

hold the door, no,

it's politeness,

kindness if you may,

the reason that

the boy

or girl helps you

across the road.

someone that you love

if you

find me, be careful, be gentle.

ignore

the words

i've written,

the hard false shell

i've made.

ignore my wounds as you

help me to the bath,

then to the bed.

read to me,

pray with me.

lay down beside me.

pretend if you have to

that i'm someone

that you love.

the best teachers

you remember their

names,

the best teachers,

who broke

your heart, gave you f's

and d's,

made you stay

after class until you

learned

a little bit more.

they cracked the whip,

slapped you

around,

until you finally

understood the lesson,

raised your

grades to a B or C.

the other teachers

you have no

memory of.

another box for the closet

i need another box

to put

more things in that i don't need

or want,

and will never

use, but can't bear

to throw away.

step gently

over the lid, as you can see,

i've made room

for you too.

you have a plan

i understand

that you aren't pleased

with me.

i see it

in your brow, your

once

pretty

face, a bright star,

darkened now.

i see it in the way

your arms

are crossed, the way your

head has become heavy

in your hands.

all of it,

even the tears you shed,

tells me

that you have a plan.

so little matters

the cold

water is not surprising.

it awakens

you.

quickens you

to dive

and go below.

to swim out, away

from the shore,

far from

the shallows

where you can touch

a bottom.

to swim and swim

beneath the surface,

to hold your breath

until

you can't hold it

anymore,

then to look back

at what

little was little behind

that truly

mattered.

this is what you came

here for?

where to go

tired

of people. of road rage.

of rudeness,

the lack

of courtesy, the lack

of spirituality.

tired

of ego.

of self indulging

half

baked souls,

weary

of narcissism

in the young

and old

alike.

just one day would

be nice

to not hear a single

lie told.

the mid life crisis

what's wrong,

she asks, hand on my hand,

as i sit

and cry

on the front steps.

what is it that troubles you?

from the outside

looking in, you

lack nothing,

what's wrong with you?

nothing,

i tell her, nothing at all.

it's just a mid

life crisis of some sort.

that's all.

really, don't worry yourself

about me.

which makes her laugh,

as she wipes away my tears,

then says,

do you really believe you're

going to live

until you're a hundred

and fifty?

the truth be known

the woods are

filled in quite nicely with

its usual

green.

thickly covered is every

limb of every tree.

you can no longer

see the water,

the blue sleeve of stream.

come winter though.

it will all be clear

again. the branches

grey and bare,

their truth be known.

everything will be known

and seen.

death gives you that.

what's going on?

it's goes

without question

that things have gone

awry.

you can

feel it in the air,

see it

in a stranger's eye,

there's

a chord of chaos

on the street,

things around here

aren't what they

used to be.

on your doorstep

it was

bound to happen,

America

infecting the world

with its own

idea

of what happiness

looks like.

it's red,

it's white, it's blue,

and comes in all sizes.

tomorrow

or today,

and for just an extra pence,

it's delivered

on your doorstep,

just for you.

she poured him milk

her husband,

prosperous and quiet,

neat

in his bow tie and starched

shirt,

always at the table

with a cold

glass of milk, that

she poured,

knew little, as

he and her

wanted it to be.

why kill the cow,

with knowledge of her

life long chore

of infidelity.

of being born

without a cell

of creativity within her,

no skill

at song, or word,

art.

she turned

to what

she could do

in order to thwart off

the demons

that troubled

her soul.

in her hands she took

to butter

and cream, sugar, eggs,

all swished

together in

the large bowl.

there was order to her

life now, control.

the recipe,

the set time and temperature

of the oven.

the layered cakes,

and shaped by hand

muscles of dough,

at last there was

some vague sense of being

part of this world,

of being born.

type in banana

they know

what we want, type

in ripe bananas

and the next that appears

are monkeys

and islands.

costa rican

bikinis,

and coconut trees.

yellow

cars and sunsets.

clothes

and books, movies

you haven't seen.

it's all there, at your

fingertips

anything to do with

bananas

is now

a link to your screen.

close calls

we have

close calls, with tacks

and nails,

shards of glass, 

missing injury by

mere inches, or seconds,

car crashes

somehow avoided.

the tree limb

falling as you just

pass by.

the snake, slithering

between your

feet,

the shark in the water

bumping

your leg.

lighting mysteriously

striking a tree

as you stand in the rain.

it's a lifetime of near

misses.

it just isn't your time yet,

as your car

crosses the tracks

a split second before

a roaring train.

the magic carpet ride

the highway

litter

is colorful, the red and blue

plastic,

cups,

lids and straws, hamburger

wrappers.

look over there, it's

a disposable

diaper,

oh, and a gin bottle.

some shoes

are in the trees,

cigarette butts

still burning,

papers

and magazines.

chicken bones,

and crab shells,

in the wind it all flies

around,

it's magical.

oh look, the car

in front of us just threw

something out.

let's take a look,

slow down.

he couldn't wait to go back

my friend Jake,

told me

longingly about his stay

in jail, third

DUI, and a bar fight,

how his cell

had a barred window

with a view

of the morning sun.

single occupancy

with a twin bed.

he said the food was not

too bad.

bacon and eggs,

for breakfast 

and sandwiches for lunch,

chicken dinners,

with jello for dessert

before bed.

he worked on his muscles

in the yard,

and had access to the library

and computer,

and of course unlimited

tv time.

Saturday nights was bingo

or a movie,

or charades. 

occasionally an intense

card game of 

old maid. Sunday was

for church and visitor

hours.

it was the best sixty days

of my life,

he said.

it's reward time

she was a personal

trainer

for years.

i'd see her in her spandex

shorts

and top

yelling at people

at the park.

getting the most out

of them.

demanding them to do

sit ups,

push ups. sprints.

stretching,

and then doing it 

all over again.

very bossy.

but she had nice hair

and nails

and was driving a green

Jaguar.

so she was doing quite

well. but

boy did she crack the whip

on those tubbies,

none of them ever

losing a pound of weight

or getting in shape.

most of them

heading straight to Duck

Donuts when

the session was over.

where'd she go?

the neighbor

is building something next

door.

a long box

of some sort,

that i caught a glimpse

of through

the window.

i hear the hammer,

the saws.

i see him carrying in planks

of wood.

it's just his voice,

with the music

on low.

i haven't seen the wife

lately though.

the arguing

has finally stopped.

a museum piece

it's a tough

decision, but the end of life

telemarketer

brings it up

about once an hour with a robo

call to my

cell phone.

burial or cremation?

he asks

for the twentieth time

today.

i'm still on the fence.

there has to be a kinder,

more civilized way.

maybe stuffed

and propped up in some

museum.

the big salad

they have

to kill everything in the field

to raise

a crop of avocados,

or lettuce.

rabbits

and snakes, turtles,

mice

and what not, birds too,

even worms

get their due,

then they spray

the field with chemicals

to kill off

what's left of life.

in the end there's

not a bug or fly

in sight.

enjoy your salad.

dying in the corner

i should

take down the Christmas tree

at some point.

it's been up

since

December.

the lights are still on,

but i'm

afraid to turn them

on, because of the fire

hazard.

there are no

needles anymore,

it's threadbare,

and bone dry.

i should toss it out

into the woods,

but i can't let go,

it reminds me so much

of hard times.

the life insurance policy

with nine children

in the wind,

that we know of,

i'm careful

to keep the secret that my father

has a million

dollar life

insurance policy

payable upon death,

which by the way,

even at the age of 95,

may never occur,

all the scotch

and soda,

the beer and lucky strike

cigarettes

in him, plus

the sun worshiping,

fighting

and carousing with

fast and slow women,

have somehow

combined

to make an enduring

elixir of perpetual youth.

i've seen

the will and the names,

crossed off,

and uncrossed.

this may be a litigious 

blood bath

at the end.

she finally broke

the first time

i heard

my mother say the f word,

using it in a full

sentence,

with verbs, nouns and adjectives,

i was

taken aback, to put

it mildly so i let

go of my

cry baby sister's pigtails

and muttered,

oh my.

this time i think she's

really mad, i thought.

i hadn't heard

a word like that since my

father was around.

i grabbed my ball

and glove, my bat,

and beat it outside.

the cat in a tree

she liked

the bird with the broken

wing,

the rescue dog,

the cat

caught in a tree.

she adored

the slow turtle

helping it

across the street.

lost

and stray animals

were her thing,

the sick and infirmed,

but when it came

to me,

forget about it.

the old grapevine

the grapes

are withered and grey.

they've lost

interest in the world,

no longer worthy of

what they pass down.

they can't

be trusted anymore

with hearsay

and gossip.

the news is late

in arriving these days,

or not at all.

i'd be better off putting

my ear

to the ground.

i smell what your cooking

is it too early

to take

a nap, i ask her, as she

peels

another potato

into the sink.

she's wearing her

satin black apron.

i nudge her with

an elbow, gently

in the ribs.

oh, i smell what

you're cooking,

she says.

i'll be right up, 

just let me put these

in a pot of water,

on low.

how much time,

we got?

with a whimper

after spilling

an enormous glass

of chocolate milk onto

my password

book.

i begin to cry.

the letters and numbers

run into one another,

smudged out of existence.

it's all gone, all those

years of hard work

coming up

with clever passwords

and non consecutive numbers,

symbols,

now gone to waste.

what am i to do.

how will i ever log

on to amazon again,

to Target

and DSW,

to the DMV, to Medicare and

social security,

Kaiser Permanente?

what about e-harmony,

and tinder and bumble,

and farmgirlsinKalamazoo?

this is how the world

ends, at least my world.

not with a bang, but

with a whimper.

farmer folk

the roadside

stand with their fat red

tomatoes

in wooden boxes

call to you.

the painted arrow

on a board tells you where

to turn

and park.

the corn in stacks,

the onions

and green beans.

they have cider too,

home made

pies and cakes.

crabs are being steamed

in back.

why press on to the beach.

stay here.

camp

and relax.

Bill and Marge,

old farmer folks.

they are too nice to be true.

the further from

the city you go.

life is strangely

less blue.

perpetual

it's that

pause before answering

that gives her

away.

the eyes shifting,

the pull of hair, the shuffle

of feet.

she's selecting

words

to say, to calm you, to

avoid

admission of guilt,

once more.

soon, words will tumble

from her lips.

a word salad

that you've heard so

many times

before.

reluctant to change

have you

changed, no, would be the short

answer.

have you grown,

matured,

leveled out the waters

of your

troubled youth.

no.

not at all, you just hide

it better now,

and smile.

math at night

a word

left unsaid, but hanging

in the air

like a cold balloon

type moon

awakens

you from sleep.

you do the math

in the middle of the night.

the equations

of love.

how far away she is.

how hard

it would be to get there,

to land

and plant the flag

you hold.

Pancakes in Three Miles

in a different era

we learned what lay ahead

on the road

by giant signs propped

up in corn fields,

enormous billboards told

us where to go

for fried chicken,

or pancakes,

for drinks, for rest.

ten more miles

to paradise

they read. oh how

the world moved 

so wonderfully slow.

knowing what is known

of course

we learn quickly

on how little 

we truly know,

how unwise

we are,

and reluctant to become

wise.

we repeat

the same errors

over and over

again,

despite knowing

what is known.

the end is near

with confidence

they tell you not to worry,

or yes,

we should be worried.

all is well, or

the end is near.

this has been going on

for a long time.

each generation with

its own

set of hopes and fears.

the long journey home

we really hit it off

texting to one another

and talking on the phone, so

she drove her car

all the way

from Cleveland, to my house.

she had circles

under her eyes when she arrived,

and her windbreaker

she was wearing

was covered in coffee spills

and potato chip

crumbs. long drips of oatmeal.

she may have wet her pants too,

the travel

diaper she was wearing

was heavy and full,

but she still needed to use

the bathroom in a bad way,

so i let her in.

she rushed by me without

a word.

after she washed her

hands i told her

that i didn't think

we were a match, maybe

we've rushed into things,

to which she reluctantly agreed.

so she got in her car and

drove back

to Cleveland. i gave her gas

money, and money

for snacks along the way.

i've always had bad luck

with former cheerleaders.

i should have asked her

for a more current picture,

not the ones taken

from back in the day.

the Georgetown nights

oh, how we drank

our beer,

cold and cheap

light or dark,

draft

or bottled, it didn't matter.

we had

twenty bucks a piece

to burn through,

from dusk

to dawn. dancing

and carousing,

doing 

the pub crawl.

sometimes there'd

be a dollar or two

left over for a 

street hot dog, smothered

in relish and onions,

mustard,

perfect for the drive home.

triple feature drive-in

when younger

you had

to meet the parents and tell

them

what you're intentions

were with their daughter.

of course you lied,

what choice did you have?

the Italian mother

with her chopping knife,

and the father with

his muscled arms from

shoveling coal.

my intentions? i thought

to myself,

staring at my date in a pair

of tight jeans

and a low cut sweater.

well, i said. we're going

to choir practice and then

a prayer meeting,

at church, but after that

i'll drive her straight home.

i left out the part about

the triple feature

at the drive-in.

and the spot in the back row.

borderline 101

you wash,

i'll dry, i tell her as we

clear the table.

no, she says.

i want to dry.

how about you wash

this time.

look at my hands,

they're red

from washing, then

she begins

to cry.

okay, okay, i tell her.

settle down.

how about you go sit

on the couch

and i'll take care of this?

you don't love

me anymore, do you?

she says.

you're going to leave

me, aren't you?

hey, hey, we were

getting along just fine.

i'll be in my room,

she says.

i'm locking the door.

i'll sleep there tonight.

untethered at last

he rents

a tin trailer in Florida,

a veritable

tuna can

to disappear

in.

no car,

no money.

an old bike to get

him to the beach

with his towel and worn

book.

he's not taking

calls anymore,

all the talking is done.

he's made

his last sale,

now it's just him, 

him alone,

lying

in the setting sun

untethered

and off the rail.

no second gear

the turtle

has no choice but to be

patient.

there is no

speeding up, no other

gear

to get him

across the road.

does he care, does he

wish he

had

the mobility of a hare?

doubtful.

more than likely he's

good, as

we should be with who

we are.

eventually we all

get there,

go slow.

fading farewell

his bearded

face

reminds me of Walt Whitman,

though

he wouldn't be a friend

of his,

with his

predilection

towards men.

tolerant of others.

does he look kind now,

repentant

as he waits

for his door to close?

hardly.

just lost and confused,

his legacy

having little to do 

with you.

into what will be

of course they'll grow

older,

the push

on the swing

is just a temporary reprieve

from becoming us.

with our hands

against

their small backs we

push higher and higher,

as they shout with glee,

letting them rise upwards

towards the sun,

into the open sky,

into the arms

what will be.

the cold stare down

sometimes

in the middle of the night

the printer

will start printing

something

it forgot to finish

earlier in the day when

i hit the print button.

i get no apology

out of it for waking me up.

but in the morning

i just give it the look,

the cold stare down

as i drink my coffee.

no ink or paper for you,

i tell it, as i leave

for the day.

the Gumby treatment

she's had

her own business

for a while out there

on the left coast.

face yoga.

i've seen her online twisting

her mouth

and eyes,

twitching her nose.

stretching her face around

like Gumby.

i guess she's making

a go of it.

like the time she

became a minister,

or a Reiki master

doing sessions over the phone,

or a hot

yoga instructor mixed

in with yellow

belt martial arts.

she makes her own

make up

in the kitchen too.

using organic

herbs and spices.

creating in the sink,

a special wrinkle

removing goo.

she's out there, alright.

an entrepreneur.

my former east coast

wackadoodle.

ten acres for sale

those fields use to be

full of corn, he says,

standing

on his porch

which is about to cave in.

we had cows.

that over

there was the school,

my kids went to.

he points

to a pile of red bricks

across the road.

it was different

then, he says.

we played bingo on

Saturday nights

at the Knights of Columbus Hall.

my kids were young,

my wife alive.

she won the blue ribbon

nearly every year

she entered her blueberry pie.

there was so much time

ahead of us, so much time.

i'm sorry, he says,

for going on like this, 

i've taken up

enough of your time.

go ahead and plant your sign.

this might hurt a little

it's just a small

black dot,

a defect

in the bone white tooth, 

and yet

the needle will slide

into the gum

below it,

pink

and soft

and take the numbing

juice.

then the drill

will appear,

as if out of nowhere,

and so it begins.

why oh why

did i eat

so much candy when

young.

my year as a nude model

i made a little

extra

cash while in college

being a nude

model

for art classes.

it was cold at times

in the winter

semester,

and sometimes students

would point

and laugh,

but i pressed on.

sitting on hard

tables,

and not being able to

move if i had

an itch somewhere.

sometimes

i'd get a rash from

all the cleaning

fluids used on the floors

and desks.

i couldn't even wear

socks.

it was difficult when

i sat on

gum occasionally

and they had to call a nurse.

but no funny bone

i've been

looking for a pair of legs like

she had

for a long time.

i can still see them

stretched out

across the bed.

never have i seen a pair

of legs

like that.

not in the movies or

on stage,

the radio city dancers

had nothing on

her.

the best legs this side

of Sausalito.

if only she had a sense

of humor,

those legs might still

be here

sashaying up the stairs.

getting good advice

it's usually

the waitress, or the guy

cleaning

your gutter,

or washing your car

who give

you the wisest

advice.

forget the therapist

and priest,

stay away from the professionals.

if someone works

with their hands

and gets up every morning

at the crack of dawn,

to paint a house,

or shingle a roof,

listen to them.

they've had a lot of

alone time

to figure it all out.

the market

it's up a few

points, then down

a hundred,

up a few more,

a dozen or so.

it's a rollercoaster

ride

that you'd like

to get off,

but no one is able

to tell you

when to quit, when

to cash in.

when to collect

your investments

and at last be done.

the broker tells me

maybe next year,

just work a little more.

one more deposit,

one more churn,

one more roll of the dice.

i've never been

able to get her foot

out of my door.

how i got my black eye

careful

with my words. i select

a few

that i hope and pray

won't offend

her woke

sensibilities.

i pull out her chair,

which is my

first mistake.

don't do that, she tells me.

i do a kettlebell

work out every

other day, and i'm doing

my second triathlon

this weekend.

i don't need a man to pull

a chair out for me,

and don't even try

to pay.

i have my own money.

do you know what cross

fit is,

she asks me,

holding up her arm

and flexing

a tattooed bicep.

you mean walking and

chewing gum at the same time?

it gets worse

from there. i duck

the first swing, but she

catches me flush

with the left.

time for a massage

feeling achy and sore

from working so hard,

i go for a massage

at the local

parlor. they slide

a menu in front of me

with pictures of various

women and men.

American, Russians, Asians.

i pick out my masseuse.

and put my finger on her photo.

what about her, i ask.

is she available.

she's a tiny Thai girl with muscles.

oh, really, Angel?

are you sure you want her,

the girl

at the desk says.

yes, i tell her. i want her.

we have to warn you,

she almost killed someone last

week by rubbing the heel

of her foot into a guy's

neck, then digging her elbow

into his kidney, which

he lost.

it's okay, i tell her.

i'm not scared. do i have

a safe word.

yes, they say. yell stop,

and push the red button

on the massage table,

we'll try to stop her,

but once she gets started,

we can't promise you

anything.

five hard boiled eggs

i hear what

i think is gunfire in the house.

cautiously

i tip toe up the stairs

with my

Harmon Killebrew bat

i've had since

grade school.

i peek around the corner,

then see

an egg fly through the air

from the kitchen.

it explodes as it

hits the ceiling, i've left

the burner on,

and the water is all gone.

eggs are flying

everywhere.

extending the marriage

would i still

be married to her 

if she knew

how to cook

anything other than

a six ounce slab of dry

farmed salmon?

kale on the side.

no.

but maybe i would have

stuck around

a little bit longer

with an occasional

pot of dumplings

and beef stew,

chocolate cake for dessert,

but just a week

or two.

i'm a little bit sorry

when i used

to buy flowers,

apology flowers,

i'd pick a bunch

that said i'm sorry,

but not

so sorry that i'd splurge

on a dozen

red roses from the town

florist.

i'd go broke if i went

in that direction.

instead

i'd go for the mixed

bouquet

from the grocery

store. daisies and what not,

the kind of flowers

you see in an uncut field,

with the petals about

to fall off.

but it was the thought

that counted,

i thought.

get out while you can

we were good boys

and bad boys

in the old

neighborhood.

growing up side by side

in brick duplexes

along the border

of D.C. and Maryland,

just across from

Southern Avenue,

now Martin Luther King.

we were mostly

poor white kids

from divorced homes.

our fathers were in the Navy,

our mothers

waitresses.

some of us went to jail, some

to law

school or became

soldiers in the Vietnam war.

some became

policemen

or doctors, vagrants,

rebels without a cause.

while others struggled with

drink and drugs.

addictions and bad decisions,

never getting free.

stuck with nowhere to go.

you had to get out

the first chance you had

before that happened.

you never forget your first love

she was a beauty in her day.

the gleam

of chrome,

the emerald paint,

how it shone.

white wall tires.

it was 1970.

the smell of pleated

seats, the roar of the engine.

the glass packs

and baby moons.

the dual exhaust.

the cowl

on the hood.

the dice hanging from

the mirror.

the radio on.

she was a beauty.

every year to the eastern shore.

how she rolled

smoothly, mile

after mile.

what was there about her

not to adore?

the scratch off card

there is hope

in the Safeway scratch off card

from the machines

at the front of the store.

five, ten or twenty dollars

may give you the dream,

the pot of gold

at the end of the rainbow.

redemption at last.

finally all your troubles will

come to an end.

the winning ticket will

be your ticket to be the person

you've spent a lifetime

trying to become.

four double rolls of wallpaper

the job

is so far off the map

in Calvert County,

that

the screen says

we have no idea where

this house is, followed

by question marks,

and sad faced emojis.

we suggest you

make a u-turn and go

home.

how badly do you really

need five hundred

dollars?

you're driving two

hours one way for a

wallpaper job? dude.

in the dog house again

i get on the bad

side

of the condo board president,

Judy.

i never should have called

her a Nazi,

or asked her how

hard would it be for you

to be nice.

now, i'll never get that 

dead bush removed

from the front

of my house.

i'm in the dog house

for sure.

another sin to confess

don't touch

your mother says,

as you stare at the apple pie

warming

on the sill.

the steam still rising,

and yet, you can't

resist.

in goes your finger

as you muffle

your cry.

another sin to

confess come Sunday.

the memories all boxed

it's a fog

that we drift away in.

old

friends, getting older.

the ghosts

are still alive

and yet

transparent

as they fall off the face

of our lives.

names

and places.

the memories all boxed

and ready

to go.

planting flowers

we're all a little crazy.

a little nuts

these days,

careful with what's out

there in the world.

dealing with

insanity at every turn.

we feel like a ticking

bomb at times

about to go off.

we grumble beneath

our breath.

shake our heads at 

the chaos, but paste

a smile on our face,

plant flowers in the garden,

and press on.

the chipped cup

i realize

the cup is chipped.

but

i'm very sentimental

about it.

a favored cup

of mine

when it's time for tea

or coffee.

i've had it forever.

it was given to me

one year

as a gift. something

from the heart.

how can i dispose

of something given

in love, though for

the life of me i

can't remember what

her name was.

the entrepreneur

she took

her yoga class to Costa Rica,

but two

of her students

were bitten

by wild monkeys,

and died.

it put a damper on the whole

namaste

thing she was selling.

so now she's

back to crushing

grapes

in her bathtub and

making her own

wine.

ironically or not,

there's a monkey on

the label

swinging on a vine.

the discovery

i drove

her to the doctor

to have a tiny lump removed

from her breast.

i found it one

day in the middle

of making love.

as i was sitting in 

the hospital waiting room

for her

to come out, her ex

husband showed up

and her married boyfriend

of nine years.

together we all

sat in the waiting

room, nervously tapping

our feet, waiting

for her to come back

out, groggy, but

relieved.

she didn't know who

to kiss first,

the ex-husband, the secret

married boyfriend

or her fiancé, me.

who he really is

my neighbor

is a part time clown

when the circus

comes to town.

during the day, his real

job is an accountant

with a law firm,

grey suits and a frown,

but during the weekends

he puts on the make up

the clown costume

with floppy shoes

and an orange wig like Bozo.

i see him get into his car

in the morning.

with the painted smile

on his gooey white face.

he waves, then shoots

a stream of water at me

from the flower on his

lapel. i think that this

is who he really is.

you should have that looked at

as we get

older

we look for things on our

bodies.

new things

on our skin.

we laid out for so

many years

in the boiling sun

with oils and a

reflecting tin.

a lump, a bump, a mole,

something

that wasn't there yesterday.

is it black

or red, brown?

is it growing?

does it itch?

we are Sherlock Holmes

now

going on the internet

to research

the possible end 

of our lives.

she seemed normal when i first met her

she got another cat

to keep

the first cat

company, but they fought,

so she got

two more, then another

that had

six kittens.

i ask her why bother

with boxes

anymore,

just spread all the sand

out on the floor and

why does it

smell like vinegar in here?

you should really have

those scratches 

looked at.

they look infected.

and maybe get an exterminator

in here.

the fleas are everywhere.

until sleep puts him down

the rain

will keep him in

today.

keep him near the roll

away bar.

i can see him

now

cutting limes

for the day.

the clear long bottles

of vodka

and gin

waiting patiently

to be poured.

he'll call me around

three

in the afternoon and ask

what i'm up to.

he'll talk about the loves

lost,

he'll talk about

money

and the world.

i'll listen to the ice

in his nearly empty glass

rumble around.

eventually i'll tell him

that i have to go,

but i won't,

i'll sit and listen more.

i'll listen because he

has no one else,

i'll listen until sleep

puts him down.

why ruin things

i won't say

what i need to say.

i'll save it.

i'll tuck it away

in a drawer, a pocket.

it's so nice out,

not a cloud

in the sky.

why ruin things.

excommunicated

as she

sat, with her shiny

black apron

on, tight around her waist,

home from work,

the tips

she made stacked

on the table

in rows for each child's

lunch the next day.

she opened the letter

from the church,

from the Bishop of the diocese.

she was being excommunicated

for getting a divorce.

and as he wiped the tears

off her face,

she told us

no need to go to church

anymore,

but we went anyway.

there was always enough

it was comfort

food.

pillows of dumplings

in a brown

stew.

the stars

of peas

and onions glistening

within

the steam

of broth.

diced potatoes.

bread and  butter,

milk.

you mother at the wheel,

as always,

with her wooden spoon,

somehow making

sure there was enough.

the writing class

i do miss

the long night sessions

of writing class.

the group of thirty of so

young and old

students

practicing their craft.

the schooled

and the unread

together in a circle.

poetry and fiction,

some brilliant, some a first

small step, but

all with a story to tell.

not seeking

fame or fortune,

just wanting to heard,

to be read.

it'll find you

there are

limitations, a weak link

in our

chain.

the Achille's

heel

if you may.

no need to find it,

it'll 

find you.

the clown car

as a child

you wondered about the clown

car.

how did they get

so many clowns in there

at once.

one two three,

four and five,

wait, here comes one more,

and another.

we're they good friends?

these circus clowns,

all bent inside the tiny car,

or did they

hate each other, with elbows

and knees

akimbo. a foot

against a cheek or chin?

who ate garlic today?

who didn't shave?

who stepped into what 

the elephant left in the yard?

the oatmeal raisin cookie

she finds

the fat vein in my arm,

blue and long, then sticks

the needle in.

she's drawing

out a pint of blood

for safe keeping.

putting it in the bank

in case i ever need it again.

when it's over,

the blood drained,

she asks me,  as if i'm a child,

if everything is okay.

i say yes, then she hands

me an oatmeal cookie

with raisins.

i hate raisins, but i eat

it anyway.

though hardly a fair trade.

the bending of trees

instead

of discussing current events,

politics

and the nonsense

of woke

cultural,

we pretend to get along.

we talk weather,

and box scores.

we point out the window

at the bend of

the trees,

we ask each other what

that cloud looks like.

we talk food,

and drink.

we're no longer true

friends, agreeing to disagree,

we're strangers, 

acquaintances, now

forty years in.

the same old song

we argue

late into the night.

the dancing is over.

we are on

the same song, 

with the needle

skipping

at the same line,

at the same

scratched point.

it's obvious what's

going on here,

though neither can summon

up the courage

to turn off the music,

to say

goodbye.

the greatest fear of all

is there a greater

fear

in this 21st century

than

losing your cell phone,

or having it

die in your trembling

hand?

the battery

and reception showing

one bar.

the charger

left at home.

i don't think so.

not yet, but soon

too cool

to sit out back, the spiders

have been

busy all night.

their webs hang long

and wet

from side to side.

i'll wait until

the sun is higher,

then take

my book, my broom

to sweep clear

the table

and chairs.

bring coffee. not yet,

but soon.

duct tape decorating

to shake

things up, my mother would

rearrange the furniture.

drag

the broken chair to another

corner,

buy a new sheet

to cover the rips

and tears

in the sofa.

she'd take the picture

of a boat

from one wall

and hang it on another.

she'd wax the floor

on her hands

and knees.

wrap adhesive tape around the frayed

lamp cord.

maybe touch up

the walls with an old

gallon of paint,

not quite the same color.

she'd tape a piece of cardboard

over the bb gun hole

in the window

and take a hammer

to the hinge

of the unclosed screen door.

she might gather a bunch

of daisies from

the yard

and place them in a glass

for the center of the table.

she did what she could,

despite us.

the burning bush

the roots are too

deep

for this shovel and pair

of clippers

to remove the dead shrub.

it won't budge.

we need a back hoe

to dig

this up.

the dead bush

in the yard, grey and brown.

lifeless,

not a bird or bee

finding

it worthy of calling

it home.

where's Moses

when you need him?

i know that sound

i know

that sound. your tired

sigh, and that

one too.

you

coming up the stairs,

shoe

after shoe.

the long day

at end, the long night

about

to begin.

set in our ways

are we set

in our ways, with drink

and food,

what time

we settle in for bed,

what time

we rise?

are we safe

with the clothes we

choose

the furniture

we sit on,

what we put inside

our head.

what book, what song,

what movie

we watch

and let in. 

yes and yes.

there is quiet joy

in allowing what's old

to be new again.

the coin collectors

as she slid

the 1927 mercury dime into

the slot,

finishing the book,

then the buffalo

nickel into the dark

blue

coin holder.

she said, let me see your

collection now.

i opened it. mine,

it was empty.

the ice cream truck, i told

her.

nutty buddy

was my downfall

whenever i heard the bells

chime.

The Decorator in Old Town

be my date,

he said, standing in the doorway

with his beaver

coat on, full length.

i'm married, i told him,

and i don't swing

that way.

i continued to paint the room,

careful not to drip paint

on the floor.

you don't know until

you try it, he told me, laughing

in his lisp.

he was muscled,

chiseled,

a former marine,

with two marriages in his rear

view mirror.

one eye went one way,

and the other had a mind of its own.

two fingers were

mysteriously missing.

he was from Richmond,

and sounded

like the war had just ended.

his voice thick with

a syrupy down home

southern

fried accent, that the women

in Old Town adored.

the Chinese lettuce wrap

as she dribbled

her lettuce

with red sauce dripping

out of her

lettuce wrap

at the faux Chinese restaurant,

i pointed

towards her chest,

at the pieces

of shredded chicken falling.

too much cleavage?

she said with a seductive

wink.

no i said.

lettuce and chicken

mostly.

some red sauce too.

spare in the trunk

spares

are good to have when

it comes

to tires,

and lovers.

with one flat, you're stuck.

you have to wait

upon

the kindness of strangers

to save you,

which doesn't

always work out well.

have the tire

ready and pumped.

a wrench on hand.

it's about time

her

enormous husband

in the cellar

had to be carted out

by six large

men

and a gurney.

it was the smell that

tipped

off his wife,

she was

up on the third floor,

putting

on rouge,

counting money.

at last, she thought,

as the coroner took him

away.

hidden nowhere

he would

hide his liquor under the sink

behind brushes

and rags,

a flask

in the pocket of an old winter

coat.

a bottle in

the attic,

whiskey behind

the furnace.

but his eyes

and nose said it all.

that laugh.

it was no

secret to anyone, 

we knew.

there was no need

to ask.

what port?

it is

the ships light, fading

in the distance

that catches our eye.

we wonder

aloud

where it's going,

what port will it sail

for,

thinking

to ourselves, us too.

she's starting to grow on me

he tells me,

confidentially, that his wife

of one year

has grown on him.

well,

that's good, i say.

you worried at first,

that you were rushing

into things,

unsure if you really loved her.

no, he says.

you have it all wrong.

she's grown on me,

but in a bad.

like algae, mildew,

or barnacles on the bottom

of a boat.

what am i to do?

the marriage is  sinking.

ship, ahoy, i tell him.

you should have gotten

the pre-nup

like i told you.

but not to worry.

i know a lawyer that restores

old shipwrecks.

here's his number.

freeze dry me please

the kind

gentleman on the phone

with the Indian accent

asks me

if i'd like to purchase

end of life insurance.

i tell him yes,

but that i'm undecided

about cremation,

or burial.

i can't stand the thought

of me burning

in a raging fire,

turned to cinder and ashes,

or the thought of being

underground,

all bones

in a box.

do you have any other options?

i ask him.

is freeze dried

available?

rudely, he hangs up.

a message from above

i rarely give thought

to the dead bush in front

of my house.

brown and grey.

dry as parchment.

worthy of a Biblical tale.

but today, for some reason,

i stand in front of it

and take a long look.

it never needed trimming,

for it was dead

on arrival.

i never watered it.

i didn't know

that was my job.

bees and birds have

avoided it

at all costs.

it looks like a tumble weed

gone lost.

blown off some desert

and planted

itself here on my lot.

i look around, everyone

else has green shrubs,

green trees, blossoming

flowers.

what is the world trying

to tell me?

zip me up, sil vous plait

earth is boring, she says,

sitting on the edge

of the bed,

blowing smoke rings

towards the ceiling.

what is there left to do here?

let's go elsewhere,

make a go of it

on another planet.

explore the outer regions

of the universe.

i'm tired

of this silly world.

with its crazy people.

the chaos, the crime,

the weather.

all trey boring,

i need new. 

something different.

here, help me with

my space suit,

sil vous plait.

zip me up, my dear.

another back up piece of clothing

i get the new

shirt

home, wrinkle

free and blue,

and hang it in the closet

next to a shirt

exactly like it,

the tag still on.

same size, same shirt.

i say ah oh.

i've lost it now.

i'm senile. my frontal lobe

is completely

out of wack.

do i take the shirt back?

no. i  consider

it back up,

just like the duplicate

shoes, pants

and hats.

further cups of crazy

i had a short term,

starter wife once

that washed her clothes 

in the bathroom sink,

using a bar of soap

and a scrub brush.

she'd wring

everything out in the tub,

her underwear

and socks, her shirts

and pants

and then lay them all out

on the spare room bed.

i told her, hey,

you can use the washer

and dryer

whenever you want.

detergent and bleach

are on the shelf.

to which she said, nah.

i got this.

you may have seen my cave art

in a previous

incarnation, i lived in a cave

with my wife

and two children

in northern Spain.

you may have seen my art work

on the walls.

but my wife at the time,

Glenda

didn't appreciate it.

we'd have terrible fights

over my drawings.

she said the kids were having

nightmares with

all the killing portrayed

on the cave walls.

the arrows, and spears

stuck in large animals.

puddles of blood.

and then after i invented fire,

it got worse.

she said it was dangerous,

catching her

loin cloth on fire once

as i was grilling brontosaurus

steaks

and she was sauteing.

asparagus.

it was obvious we weren't

going to last very long.

i was such a neanderthal,

and she was paleolithic.

face to face

there are a dozen

ways

to talk now, to communicate,

a variety

of wireless

and wired ways of connecting.

and yet,

with everyone

so busy.

the real way, the old way,

rarely takes place.

killing of the pigeon

he was kind,

gentle,

he wore a beret,

played a guitar in the park

on Saturdays.

soft spoken and shy.

the girls loved him,

and so did I,

but in a different way.

just friends..

so it surprised me when

he picked up

a brick to kill

the injured pigeon.

it's broken

wing twisted, forever

bent.

how easily

he struck it violently,

again and again

until it was motionless.

i thought differently

about him,

then.

cat fights

it sounds

like two cats are going

at it in the alley.

a lot of screeching going on.

a literal cat fight.

finally someone

throws a bucket

of water

on them., breaking

it up.

the noise ends,

except

for the neighbors

next door, they're

at it again,

Wanda and Joe,

i hear the thud against

the wall,

another frying pan.

perfectly imperfect

her lisp,

a delicate sound

of air

and lips

when she spoke certain

words.

endearing,

delightful.

a small imperfection

worthy of a kiss.

organic, the biggest scam of all

put the word

organic

on anything and watch

it turn to gold.

write green,

or nature's promise.

on a bag of manure,

the line will go out the door.

put flowers

on the side

of that bottle of grease.

put a rainbow

on the cereal box

full sugar.

a beating heart above

the rows of

the iced

donuts.

we're fools, we're dumb.

we believe anything

they tell us.

lemmings

over the mountain we go.

the bottomless purse

i ask her if she has

an allen wrench in her purse,

she says hold

on a minute

and begins to take out

an assortment of tools.

a ball peen hammer,

metal shears,

finishing nails and pliers.

finally, she says, here it is.

it was stuck to my make up kit.

i have some crackers

too, hungry?

donut?

talking golf

i buy a bag of golf

clubs on e-bay.

i don't know how to play

golf,

but i can talk the game.

i buy golf pants

and shirts, shoes, gloves,

the visor.

i talk about the back nine,

mulligans, birdies

and eagles.

my six iron.

i go on about the sand traps,

the cut of the greens,

the layout of holes.

the hardest pin to reach.

my handicap is three,

though i've never hit

a ball off

a tee.

no one's the wiser.

the blind corner

it's a blind

corner,

where wrecks occur on a daily

basis

as the red light

is run.

the scraps

of broken glass and metal

are scattered

everywhere,

sometimes blood.

you hear the horns

clashing from the window

then the thud

of cars

striking one another.

then the sirens.

it happens all the time,

but nothing

is ever done.

gone green

enough rain

and

sunlight touches the leaf

to bring

out the best

color

in the world.

the emerald, the Irish

of it all.

the world

has gone green,

alive

once more.

modern medicine

i go for the annual

shot in my knees,

to curb the arthritic

pain resulting from fifty

years of playing basketball

on concrete courts.

it's a fiery mixture

of cortisone and lidocaine.

at some point, the doc says.

we might have to replace

them. hips too, and maybe

your entire spinal cord.

you are severely lacking

in cartilage.

from now until memorial day

there's a two for one surgery

deal on both knees and hips.

or if you'd like i can sign

you up for a complete body

replacement.

huh, i say, rubbing my knee

after he pulls the needle out.

yes, he says. it's the latest thing.

we clone your body from

dna we extract from your 

sperm cells and make a new you.

we speed up the aging process

with what we refer to as

the whirly bird machine,

until the body is eighteen

years old, and then we remove

your brain and put it in the new

body. you don't want

the teenage brain, no one wants that. 

the whole process

takes about six weeks.

what do you think?

okay, i tell him.

how much.

oh it'll cost. but no worries.

we have financing

that's very generous.

what about my soul?

ummm, well, we're working on

that. it's a little sketchy

what happens there.

better living through chemistry

a mad scientist down

at the food lab

makes the first football size

strawberry.

the other men and women,

all chemists,

carry him around

on their shoulders.

it's sweeter, bigger,

and brighter in color than

any strawberry

that has ever existed 

on earth.

now onto grapes,

someone shouts out,

then corn.

then cows and chickens.

people,

they all yell, drinking

moonshine from their

beakers.

not taking any chances

i admire the unwavering faith

of the priest,

the bishop, the pope.

do they ever doubt?

do they lie wide awake

at night, unable to sleep?

worried.

they have the same information

or lack thereof

that we do.

and yet seem so sure 

of themselves.

is it just a mask, 

having invested

so much time and effort

into believing that there's no

turning back?

i agree with them,

why risk it all and take a

chance.

monogrammed towels

what will i do now

with all these monogrammed

sheets and towels.

my initials and yours

inscribed in blue,

and the little

glass jars, saying mr. and mrs.,

that you bought

at the five and ten store.

what now?

do i get the ring back?

can i keep the toaster oven

if you keep the punch bowl?

and the left over wedding cake

in the ice box,

mine, or yours?

spring cleaning

block, delete,

sweep

clean

the debris,

the crazy.

shake the rug and beat

it free

of bugs and dust.

it's just

a normal,

ordinary day

of spring cleaning.

clearing the cobwebs

sometimes

it's food that will fill

the void,

ease the stress,

the most greasiest of pizza

slices,

then sometimes

it's a hard drink

a shot of tequila or two,

to clear the cobwebs,

and other times,

it's a frenetic roll

in the hay with someone

who looks almost

like you.

i don't mean lettuce

my former therapist calls

and tells me

to stop giving her name out.

please don't

refer me anymore patients.

i'm booked solid

through Christmas, does

everyone you know

need psychological help?

i tell her nearly all, yes.

i'm a magnet for the distressed.

it's just the tip of the iceberg.

and i don't mean lettuce.

if that occurs

in gentle gliding

gestures,

the butterfly

appears,

on fragile yellow

wings, paper thin,

and lands near, as if

it wants

to be admired,

not captured. all is lost

for both

if that occurs.

i want that today

funny how the store

window display,

the clean glass

portraying

gifts and wares

on a stage

makes you stop and stare,

and think yes, 

i want that.

not tomorrow,

but today.

don't go there

we do swim 

towards the light,

forever moths,

towards

beauty, despite

the internal

bells

sounding off, 

beware, beware. 

don't go there,

take flight.

the kitchen phone

i go back

to the black kitchen wall phone

with the long

cord that will

extend to the basement

stairs

where i can talk in private.

i'm done with the batteries,

Wi-Fi and Bluetooth,

the new age

gizmos

with all their bells

and whistles,

useless junk.

give me the solid rock

on the wall

to answer its ring,

to dial and talk

with a voice i can hear,

with no calls dropped.

give me

the old standby, it worked

then,

and it will work again.

stay out of her way

there are no

corrections needed, no

do overs,

or mulligans

in nature, no mistakes

are made.

the ice will melt,

fires

will start and become

a generous

blaze. each

twister with a reason,

each flood,

each volcano bursting

a necessary part

of it all

ever changing. 

mother nature giving

birth,

stay out of her way.

maintenance

there was a place

where she got her hair shampooed,

a place

where she got it colored,

then to the French

place

where a man in a silk shirt

straightened

and cut it.

it was a long day

every two weeks, and then

it was time

for her nails,

the pedi and mani,

the facial and massage,

and at last the esthetician,

before hitting

the tanning parlor for

a spray job.

who knew?

i had no clue.

the errant text

as she sits in the chair

at the beauty parlor, she texts

her husband,

asking what color would

he like her hair to be

this time around.

she doesn't realize that

she's accidentally texting me,

not him. but i play along.

i tell her let's go with blonde

this time, with curls,

maybe a little blue tint

on the ends.

she says, oh my, okay. sure.

why not?

agreeing that a change 

would be fun.

see you later sweetie.

thanks again.

white dwarf star

the YouTube

genius goes on and on

about

how the world will end

in a few billion years.

it's fascinating,

as he talks about the sun,

how it will burn out

eventually and become

a white dwarf star.

turning the earth into ashes.

so what am i getting up

so early for, working so

hard for, saving money

and being a good person,

why am i not eating more cake?

hold the door, please

there are good doors

and bad doors,

ones that open easily and others

that you have to push

or kick at the bottom

to get them open.

some with locks, some

with broken keys still stuck.

there's a bell attached

to some, maybe a window.

some you have to knock.

some say do not enter,

while others give directions

in case you're lost.

some tell you who or what

is behind the door,

some need oil on the hinges,

some need paint to clean

up the scuff marks.

some doors lead to opportunity,

whether work or love,

while others are exits

once closed there's no going back.

all your life you're going

in and out of doors.

hold it for me, would you?

the class valedictorian

i see him

in the grocery store,

ringing

up groceries.

i'm next in line.

he was a genius

in high school.

MIT bound.

perfect SAT scores.

what's happened

to him?

how is it that he's

so smart

and now bagging

milk and eggs,

weighing

bananas and asking me

if i want paper

or plastic. he stares

at my

bottled water

then explains to me

the geophysics

of polluting the environment

with plastic.

going into a long diatribe

about

ecology and science.

so, i say

paper, please.

he still has it after all.

Frenchy the chicken

i should have never

named

the chicken.

made it a pet of sorts.

it was a mistake, because

now i'm hungry

and she's staring at me

with those beady eyes.

was there love?

no, but

how can i possibly

kill a chicken with a name.

the permanace of love gone sour

in a bucket

she collected her tears

and left

it at my door step

with a note

attached,

saying,

i'm done crying over

you.

see what you've done

to me

with no remorse,

no regret.

you broke my heart

wrung out every tear.

i hope you're happy now.

i'll never forgive you, 

or forget.

slip sliding away

as the sun burns

out,

we keep at it, as if everything

is forever.

we paste another

memento

into our scrap book,

ink our arms

and legs.

carve our names into trees

and wet cement.

we want

to be remembered,

be important,

to be forever in someone's

heart.

not forgotten.

desperately we hold on

to the ephemeral,

with nails dug

into the cliffs of life,

we cling.

under the skin

you don't want

a splinter.

though small, it's a painful

thing.

easily infected.

so hard to get out

from under

your skin.

it turns red and purple,

swells

with infection.

just a tiny sliver of

broken

wood, and yet

it's enough

to ruin your day.

waterfront property

once an abandoned

junkyard

where people would dispose

of washers and dryers,

rusted cars, it was now

waterfront property.

the storm sewers

were diverted onto the field 

in front of the apartments.

eventually it filled up

becoming a mud pie. but

in time it was three feet deep

with stagnant water.

birds flew in.

a turtle or two appeared.

but you didn't want to be down

wind of it, sitting on

your balcony.

real estate prices rose.

they called it Lake Side

and named the streets Heron

and Admiral.

nautical type names.

it was real estate genius

101, until malaria broke out.

number two pencils

the box of number

two pencils

on my desk have been there

for about five years now.

twenty in a pack.

i've taken one out,

sharpened it, and occasionally

use it to reach an itchy

spot on my back.

it has a nice long reach.

i may have these pencils forever.

never using a single one,

just the one i use to find

the itch, and scratch.

let's not talk anymore, okay?

i used to like to push

her buttons,

no,

not those buttons,

but her

mental buttons.

to stir her up.

i knew how to get under

her skin,

and she knew how to get under

mine.

we could be around each

other for about an hour,

before we'd

have to call a truce,

make a pact of silence

for the rest of the night.

A2 Milk

no,

i don't want any soy milk,

or almond milk,

or cashew milk,

or coconut milk,

or goat milk.

here's what i want.

a tall cold glass of cow

milk.

whole.

not skim, not two percent.

none of that

A2 please in a gallon

glass jug.

will you still love me tomorrow

when it rains,

she's worried that her hair will

go frizzy.

that all the effort she put

into straightening

each blonde strand will

go for naught.

will you still love me

in the morning with my

frizzy hair, she asks.

it's really crazy then.

sure, i tell her, rubbing my

bald head,

why not.

moon glow

in space

there won't be any of this

crime and trouble.

there'll be

peace at last,

love

and harmony.

no worries at all.

in space we'll be free

from all our

faults, our sins

and guilt.

it'll be different up there,

you'll see.

just wait.

we can start over up

there, give

humanity a jump start.

keep dreaming.

the best years of your life

we spend

nearly 26 years

of our life

asleep,

the study says.

some think it's a waste

of time,

while others like me,

claim that those

are the best years

of our life. i can

honestly say that i've

enjoyed all 26 of mine.

the salad dressing packet

i nearly chip a tooth

trying to rip open a salad

dressing packet.

i stab the thing with a plastic fork,

a plastic knife

i get out a pack of matches

and try to burn

it open.

no dice.

i stomp on it, i drop a

brick on it.

still it won't open.

i give up and fling it

across the street

where a truck runs

it over, still unopened.

finally i see

a black bird pick

it up in it's beak

and fly away.

good luck with that,

i yell out. bon appetite.

Hitler's younger sister, Judy

Hitler's younger sister,

Judy,

happens to be

the president of the condo board.

nine years in a row.

i'm on her list.

i'd say i'm on her bad side,

but that is

the only side there is.

why aren't you watering

your plants and bushes

in front of your house?

she asks me, stamping her foot.

i see that one is dead.

it's dead, i tell her because

there's no freaking spigot,

no hose, no access to water,

in front of these connected houses.

plus

i'm paying the condo association

five hundred dollars a month 

to take care

of landscaping.

it gets worse.

she  tells me she's a volunteer,

that she doesn't get paid,

i tell her big whoop,

do you want a medal or a chest

to pin it on,

and then a parade.

her eyes grow dark.

are you still towing cars

in the middle of the night, i ask her.

if they don't follow

the rules, yes. they get towed.

you must obey the rules.

why is it so hard for you to be nice?

this is a very small community,

we all know each other.

why not a warning?

no, no warning.

one strike and you're out.

you must follow the rules,

she says repeatedly,

before marching off with her

clipboard, doing a goosestep.

let's make a deal

after buying the car,

and waiting

four months for it to be built,

i still get a daily

update on new cars,

asking me to trade it in

for another model.

sales are on.

inventory is up.

we'll beat the price on

all other dealers.

come on in. we're right

off the interstate,

look for the big red balloon

and barbeque pit.

we're dog and kid friendly.

bring a friend.

bring your check book.

now she's eating breakfast

i only have three hundred

more pages

of the Sylvia Plath biography to go.

thank God she

only lived for

thirty years

and not sixty.

the author would of had

to make volumes one, two and three.

at last, she's out of college,

five hundred pages in

and in England.

whew.

i read the next ten pages to discover

what she had

for breakfast, eggs, waffles

and bacon, coffee

and orange juice, and what

dress she was going to wear

that day.

she has a headache now

and is lying down

on a bedspread her mother sent

her because the heating

in England was sort of lame.

for a good time call

i see my ex wife's phone

number

inked onto a wall

in the men's room.

for a good time, call, it

said. with a giant

smiley face beside it.

fortunately i had a sharpie

pen with me

and crossed out

the word good,

and put a black eye on

the smiley face, with

broken teeth.

the date went terribly awry

she called herself

Connie,

but when i opened her purse

as she

was powdering her

nose,

i saw on her driver's license

that her real name

was Felicia.

there was a wanted poster

in there too

with her picture on it.

what else

didn't i know i wondered.

later, she asked me

if i was in her purse 

while she was in the bathroom,

and i told her yes,

but because i was looking

for a mint

or a stick of gum

to freshen my breath

before kissing her.

how dare you look in

a woman's purse, she said.

and started for the door.

mad as a hornet.

i'm leaving. don't ever

call me again.

okay, okay, i said.

take care Felicia.

i'm not Felicia anymore,

i'm Connie and if you ever

call me that again

i'm coming back, and it won't

be pretty.

then she slammed the door.

the back yard pool

with the garden hose

unraveled,

i fill up

the plastic pool

in the backyard,

ten inches deep and

above

ground of course

for a leisurely

afternoon of bathing,

but before i can put on my

red speedo

and grab my

pina colada

there's four yellow canaries

in the middle

floating

and flapping their wings.

excuse me,

i tell them as i slip

in, trying

not to spill my drink.

all in good time

i'll get to it.

the screen door.

the lock,

the back porch

boards,

the fence at the end

of the yard.

i'll rake the leaes.

i'll fill the bird feeder,

i'll walk 

the dog.

i'll get out my tool

box 

and take care of things.

just five

more minutes, okay?

where's my stretch pants revival

there's something about

regular

church attendance

that makes you eat a lot.

maybe it's the guilt

and the nervous tension

of sidling up to God.

there's a lot

of pot luck dinners,

and

lunches, and

pancakes at breakfast

for the morning prayer

meeting before church.

a lot of sugar

and syrup.

pies and cakes. potato

salad in giant

yellow bowls.

there's

stretch pants going on.

clothes that fit like tents.

it's a feast,

a festival, a  revival,

it's praise 

the Lord and pass

the gravy and

biscuits, please.

what every happened

to fasting? redacted?

the kitchen is closed

i get to the diner

too late.

the closed sign is hanging in

the door,

but i see Mary

in there filling up

salt shakers

and ketchup bottles.

i knock on the glass.

she comes over and mouths

the words we're closed.

i take out a twenty

dollar bill and show it

to her.

she opens the door.

two eggs over easy

i tell her, bacon

and hashbrowns, coffee.

she smiles and says

the cook is gone and the

kitchen is closed.

what about a stale

muffin and Sanka?

i tell her sure.

i was going to call you

i almost called you,

but i got distracted by a fly

that somehow got into the house.

he was quicker

than i am and seemed to be

toying with me,

buzzing around my head,

around the light.

i chased him through

the rooms,

swinging a newspaper at him.

finally, i opened a window

and out he went.

where was i, oh right,

i was going to call you.

maybe tomorrow.

the bent spoon

i bend a spoon

opening a can of paint.

it's forever warped,

like a few

forks and knives,

never going back to their

original shape.

but it's okay.

there's no one here

to yell at me about it.

i put it back into

the drawer with a smile

on my face.

every other weekend

there was the divorce dog.

the divorce

vacation.

the cruise.

the toys.

the mall, the bikes

and fishing.

all of it packed into

your turn

at the wheel

every other weekend.

did it help.

no.

they still expect that kind

of attention,

twenty years

later.

pin this list to my collar

i've looking for something

in the grocery store,

but i've forgotten what it was

i was looking for.

it seemed to warrant a trip

up the road to buy it,

but for life of me

i don't know what it is anymore.

i guess it'll come to me 

at some point.

i'll just wander a little more,

i have three more hours

before they closing time.

it might be time for the hand

written list pinned

to my collar.

craving for crunchy

i'm having a craving for

something crunchy,

but sweet.

something i can dip into

a cup of tea.

just one small thing to curb

the craving.

not from a box, or a bag

at the store.

nothing processed or invented

by scientists in a lab.

something homemade,

warm,

right out of the oven.

maybe with nuts in it,

chocolate.

just one thing. one small

thing.

i think they call it a cookie.

i look up the recipe to make one,

just one though.

the sewing room

when was the last time

you saw

someone with a needle and thread?

for me

i think it was about

forty-five years ago

when my mother patched a hole

in my jeans.

she had a 

Singer sewing machine too.

she kept it on

a card table

in her sewing room, where

the walls were

decorated with puzzles

that she put together

and laminated.

she could sew anything.

she had enough yarn to cover

ten sheep. she had those weird scissors,

that she used to trim

photographs for her albums,

and mounds

of thin patterns

that she'd use to make dresses

for my sisters.

she was a regular Dolly Madison,

i mean Betsy Ross.

maybe i can fix my jeans

this time.

some soy milk and kale

i see three women

leaning

against the wall of the coffee shop.

they look pale

and tired.

wane. 

are you okay, i ask them.

they look up at me

and sigh.

yes, we're fine, we're

just a little tired.

we walked from the car

to the door,

almost twenty yards.

we need to rest before we 

go in.

we'll be fine, just fine.

we're vegans.

could you get us some soy

milk while you're

in there,

and some kale?

we have a protest to go to

later.

we're trying to ban meat

of all kinds,

and save the whales.

farm fresh eggs

i buy one chicken

because

i'd like a fresh egg in the morning.

then

i feel bad for the chicken

so i get it a friend,

a rooster.

i call them Bonnie and Clyde,

and then i start thinking about

milk,

so i give in and buy

a cow, Gretchen, it's a tight fit

in the townhouse back

yard, but i make

it work.

i go out and get a bucket

and small wooden

stool.

i'm in business, but i have

to get up

so early now. thankfully

Clyde helps with that.

the new NBA

i turn on the tv,

searching for something i haven't

seen.

oh, there's a game on.

or is it a fight.

hard to tell with

all the pushing

and shoving, posing,

and yelling.

it's millionaire street ball

on live tv.

it's either dunk

or shoot a three.

pound your chest,

then scream to the crowd

look at me,

look at me.

church pancakes

i carry a sack of flour

and a bag

of sugar up to the church

for the donation box.

Father Smith sees me,

and asks me, what no

eggs?

i go back to get a dozen

eggs.

get some vegetable oil

too, he yells at me,

as he brings out the bowl

and spoon.

oh, and maple syrup.

organic, please.

just saying

do we really need to do

corrective

surgery on tom boy girls,

or boys that

like the color pink.

shouldn't we wait it out,

and leave out

the shrink.

let them be who they're

born to be,

let nature take its course.

and put away the knife.

pendulums

as pendulums

do

we swing back and forth

on issues.

ideas

and thoughts

once

solid 

are now old school,

ready

to be discarded

for something new,

though

not improved.