not forever

school mates,

pals,

tight friends for years,

from

grade

school on, you think

it's a forever

bond,

you believe that

neither of you will

ever

disappear.

but it isn't true,

sadly, nearly

everything and everyone

finds a way

to move on, 

while few stay near.

mirror mirror

so much

time has been spent in front

of mirrors,

trying to determine

who exactly is this

face

looking back.

is this how others see

me?

for better or worse,

i turn my head to the

right

then left and

examine the lines that

have arrived,

the folly

of the follicles, combed

for years

just so, the scalp,

now bare and reflecting

the bathroom

light.

the mirror doesn't love

me anymore,

i sigh, but others do,

i think,

as i return to bed 

to kiss

a loved one goodnight.

which pepper spray is right for me?

the news

and personal accounts of criminal

behavior,

have sent

me to the store to purchase

pepper spray.

so many to chose from though.

they come in

many styles and colors,

manly black, or the not so

manly mint,

pink for the girls, i suppose.

there is the gel type that

sprays twenty percent further

than the regular

brand.

some have a flashlight attached,

or a gps,

or a whistle of some sort

to alert whoever is still around

after you've been

accosted. some are

pocket sized,

or there's one to dangle 

on your key chain. 

police certified and guaranteed

to incapacitate

whomever you desire.

but i need a subject to test it on 

before i make

my purchase, i tell the clerk.

she, laughs and folds her arms

in front of her,

and says wait a little longer,

the looters come in

right after six.

we call it happy hour.

give me some space, please

we need room.

space.

we have to breath

without

another looking over our shoulders.

we don't

like the lingering waiter,

the impatience

of a clerk

leaning in.

we stand

back on the subway

car,

nudges away are made

in mere inches,

and yet we need them.

the approaching fingers

of the dentist makes us

cringe.

we need

the separation. a hand

on our shoulder

is an irritant if not invited.

even in the grave,

we need some room,

six feet under,

and at least arms length

from side to side.

the smarter sex

when we

went out dancing, the fellows

and i,

clubbing before

the word

clubbing was in style.

it was more

like bar

hopping,  going from

one pub

to another,

hoping to catch a smile,

or a dance

with some damsel

in a dress.

we were rough around

the edges

and always

counting our money

so we were often rebuffed

by the smarter

sex. they'd be

laughing at our boyish

charms,

always leaving with a taller,

bloke,

more monied,

more sophisticated,

winking at us as they left,

holding the lucky boy's

arm.

she was telling me something

she wore

her black stockings on her first

date.

they were ripped

and torn,

as far as i could see.

thigh high.

they weren't new.

but they

interested me.

why

would she wear them

on our first date.

and her shoes,

the leather stripped of color.

a pair

of fingerless gloves

caressing her drink.

what message

was she sending. was she poor,

was her vision

slight,

was she telling something

about her

shabby chic

fashion, the orphan Annie

look, or was it more,

something darker

about her life?

fame is easy now

we don't have

to be smart anymore, or clever

or be a good

conversationalist,

or writer.

we have

these metal boxes in our hand.

all knowing,

all wise.

filling us with directions,

and recipes.

news around the world.

some truth,

some lies.

in a split second everyone

will know

the moment we keel

over and die.

fame is no longer a struggle,

it's no longer

a lifelong challenge.

it's very easy now

to come by.

the scaffolding on 5th avenue

these scaffolds, 

reaching up

into the sky,

attached

to buildings

with fifty floors,

are never gone

from this city. they

are never removed.

once up,

they stay.

anchored in place until

the end of time. but

they give us shelter

from the storms,

the traffic.

give us shade in the summer.

made of steel

and wood,

the workers climb or

are lifted upwards

with their

tools.

just this one side,

the worker's job,

on the north side,

on 5th avenue will feed

a family of four

for a lifetime.

getting busy in the bramble

at night

i can hear the foxes

out back,

making

love

in the woods. screaming,

yelping.

thrashing about

in the bramble.

getting it on.

i turn a little Marvin

Gaye

on the stereo and open

the windows.

to give them

a little

mood music. but within

two minutes

they're finished.

who hasn't had those nights,

too?

keep it as a book

i'll get back to this book.

an intelligent

story,

a page turner from

start to finish.

i slide

the marker

between the pages.

and close

the cover.

it's a good book, one

i don't want

to end.

i hope they don't make

a movie

out of it.

with the current

box office stars,

and ruin things again.

Salinger had it right along.

i'm Barbie, what's up?

i try

to watch the Barbie movie,

but three

minutes in,

i can't take it anymore.

it's a cartoon.

i can't figure out the message

they're trying to give.

men are dumb?

maybe,

some. but so are women too.

but this is what movies

are now.

we've lost

our way.

from Citizen Kane,

to Chinatown,

to it's a wonderful Life,

to this.

plastic dolls,

imaginary icons,

without male or female

little bits.

her high school reunion

we go to her

high school reunion, 

not mine, hers, but no one

seems to recognize her.

she's blonde

now, bone thin.

and had a little work

done on 

the cheek bones

and thighs.

enhancements

with monthly injections

of Botox and collagen.

it's been fifty years

since she did a cartwheel

and screamed

go team

on the sideline

and was queen on the float

waving at

her adoring crowd.

she has to keep introducing

herself to 

all her former best friends.

pointing at the name tag

and yearbook picture.

on her low neck sweater.

i'm Debbie, don't

you remember me?

but they don't. although

they seem to think

i was once the senior

class president

and captain of chess team.

it's a tai chi kind of thing

you see them

at the park, when the weather

is fair.

men and women,

mostly old folks in tights

and casual wear.

they float with one leg

on the ground,

arms in the air,

like flamingos,

swaying

this way and that.

it's some sort of tai chi thing,

i guess.

there must be something

to it.

they look so peaceful,

so at rest,

never breaking a sweat.

no angst or pain,

like at the gym,

i could see eating a sandwich

while doing this.

maybe it's what's next.

this is the end, but in awhile

with

years under our belts,

we shrink

in size,

the bones, the flesh,

at last

giving in to gravity.

we downsize

our homes,

scuttle

the clutter,

box and bin all things.

we find

a room somewhere

in a building

were others like us,

are let in.

the days grow shorter,

the Sundays

so far away,

when visitors arrive

with flowers

and smiles,

but everyone is on it,

everyone knows that this

is the end.

not right away,

but in awhile.

what lies below the surface

we are all

ice bergs set afloat

in this

cold sea,

just a small part of us,

is ever seen.

few, if any

ever know

what lies below.

who we really are,

until they hit us

the wrong

way

and then they sink

and down

they go.

the feminist loophole

i used to hold

the door open for women,

or pull

out a chair,

or tip my hat,

assisting them with luggage,

putting it up

on the rack,

until they got angry at me,

cursed me

as if i thought

they there weren't capable

of such things.

demeaning them as 

the weaker sex.

so i stopped.

the only thing they approve

of now

is for you to pay

the bill when going out

for drinks

and dinner.

that's okay.

it's acceptable,

as they run

to bathroom at the first

glimpse of a check,

keeping the cobwebs

on their purses, still intact.

trial without jury

i rub

and scrub with soap

and a bristle brush,

a clean

cloth, putting muscle

into the stain,

but with no luck.

i try every

spray beneath the sink.

is there a reason

to have a yellow couch

in front of the tv?

there will be hell to pay,

when the wife

returns

with her mother in tow.

it will be another trial

without a jury,

all over

again.

maybe it's the mercury

i've lost

all interest in eating fish.

tuna,

cod,

Chilean sea bass, flounder

and trout.

i can hardly

look at an oily can

of sardines,

or anchovies

without running to the bathroom

to lurch.

i don't know

what happened.

even a sauce won't help

things,

or having potatoes cuddle

up next to

the fins and gills,

the stiff body absent of a head.

somewhere along 

the way,

dead fish fell off

my list of eating

categories.

i avert my eyes whenever

i pass a Red Lobster

and speed on.

Cupid must die

as i walk into the store,

i begin

to tremble,

sweat, i start getting nervous,

the tic

returns to my left eye.

my heart

is palpitating.

it's back.

Valentine's Day has

once again

returned.

three weeks in advance.

the pink boxes of candy,

the flowers

the endless rows of

cards.

balloons, and heart

shaped chocolates

and gifts.

dear lord, why O why?

who started this mess?

i see the fat cherub

at the cash

register,

his wings, his arrows,

his French fry

greasy lips.

Cupid must die, we need

to end this.

that's not funny

what's funny

to some

is not funny to all.

i think Abraham Lincoln

said that,

but i may

be wrong.

humor is a dividing line.

you get it,

or you don't.

you're offended or you

aren't.

to each his

own cup of laughter.

waterfront property

when the fire

hydrant broke

after being struck by

a car, and spewed fifty

thousand

gallons of water in the street,

suddenly taxes

went up.

real estate prices increased.

we were suddenly

designated

as waterfront property.

we brought out

our lawn chairs

and took pictures, basked

in the sun.

dropped lines

into the water to fish.

it was a joyous time.

turning the other cheek

my cheek

is sore from turning it so

often.

look at the red marks,

the blue

bruises.

the blood.

i don't know how much

longer i can go on

being good,

and not

strike back.

but go ahead, try me.

a break in the weather

as the clouds

break

and a sun appears,

there's

a glimmer of hope

in your eyes.

you take my hand

and say,

let's get out of here.

Tai Kwan doe

i run into the woman who used

to be partners

with 
Avi, the man who ran the Tai Kwan doe

studio

that my son

was suckered into joining

twenty five years ago.

how's Avi, i ask her.

oh, not good, not good.

he's back in Israel, but he has

Parkinsons now.

he's not well.

luckily he made millions off

that tai Kwan doe racket.

and how's your son, she asks,

your wife?

i tell her my son is on the west

coast,

he became a lumberjack,

after learning

how to chop wood

with his hand.

my wife and i divorced

after she had an

affair with Carlos, the black belt

at your school.

oh my, she says.

he was quite the lothario.

yup, he was giving her personal

lessons

behind the dojo, after the kids

were gone.

he dragged one of the sweaty

mats

out behind

the dumpsters and gave her the

monkey business.

i came home one night and she

put me in a choke hold,

and kicked me

in the groin

with a vicious round house kick.

and she was only a yellow belt

at the time.

anywhoo,

nice to see you again.

tell Avi, i said hi.

long distance dating

we should

meet sometime, she tells me.

maybe lunch,

or over coffee,

i think we'd hit it off.

but you

live in Puerto 
Rico,

i tell her.

we're a long way apart.

if you loved

me, you'd hop on a plane

and be here.

my mother wants

to meet you,

my children

and my uncles. they think

you are the one.

she sends me a picture

of her legs,

with two chickens beneath

around her feet,

pecking at corn

on the ground.

can i sleep on it, i tell her.

i need to

think this through.

i give you two days, she says,

and then you must decide.

you know

you're not the only man

around.

the winter wind

sometimes

her voice

was like the wind, present

and cold

ruffling

my coat, my hair,

filling

my ears with words

i didn't

want to hear.

i pressed on though.

as if each

mile was further away

from her.

but she wouldn't

let me stray

too far,

the rope of marriage

kept her close.

there she was, blowing,

blowing,

rippling

the flags, whistling

through the empty

hole in my heart.

getting away from it all

i start browsing

states

to see where i want to move

to get away

from it all.

low crime with fair weather

would be nice.

less traffic.

don't ask me what

the phrase

it all

means exactly, it's more of a feeling,

an existential

thing.

there are fifty states,

but a lot more countries

to peruse.

i could easily pack up

and go 

anywhere,

easy to hit the road

and be off into another direction.

what's keeping me here?

friends, family,

most of them gone.

will i miss the yard, the woods

out back.

the stream i can

hear from my window?

will i pine over

the neighbors left and right,

will i miss the fear

of crime

or having my car hijacked?

the adrenaline rush

of a knock at the door

at midnight?

sure i'll miss those things,

but

it's now or never, where's

my suitcase

time to start packing 

things.

the AARP stripper

people are living longer

and longer,

what with

modern

medicine and 

better living through

chemistry.

so they are getting married

three and four

times

as the spouses die.

i went to a bachelor party

the other night

and the stripper was sent

over from

AARP.

it wasn't her first rodeo

as they say.

she was wearing a first alert

alarm

bracelet, a blonde wig,

and

limped in wearing

crocs on swollen feet.

she danced in the middle

of the room

for about 

two songs,

until she passed out

and someone had to open

up a box of Ensure,

put a straw in it, and let her

sip.

her poetry box

she brings

me

her poetry in a small wooden

box.

flowered

red and yellow.

with silver hinges.

a clasp

to keep it closed.

she carries it with two

hands

and presents it to me

as if

there are secrets within,

her story,

not told.

i tell her no.

i don't want to end things

this way.

please,

take it home.

thirteen steps up or down

you've counted

steps,

thirteen in all going up

or down

the stairs,

to the 2nd floor, or to

the cellar.

you know how far

it is

from the door to the car.

from

the car

to the office.

it's the same distance

nearly every day

to everywhere you go.

no less, no more.

so much

of living is set in stone.

let's move past that

why are we

surprised at anything

in the news.

a cop gone

bad,

a priest, a politician.

a corrupt

mayor

or president.

scandal

after scandal.

sex, money, power,

lies,

whatever.

no one gets away with

anything

anymore.

but strangely no one

really cares.

having the sex talk

i remember

sitting my son down to have

the agonizing

sex talk.

he was young,

maybe twelve at the time.

a shaggy dog

kind of a kid.

he sat there patiently

slapping

a baseball into his

glove.

i rubbed my face

and forehead,

and struggled for the words.

son,

i said.

and he put his hand out

to stop me.

dad, is this the sex

talk?

i said, well, yes. your

mother wanted

me to tell you about

the birds

and the bees.

then he proceeded to tell

me about

my wife,

and the butcher 

and the milkman.

(apologies to Rodney Dangerfield)

bring out the fire hoses

traffic is backed up

on the 110

this morning. oil protesters,

war protesters

and 

improper usage of pronoun

protesters

have all converged

on the bridge,

unbeknownst to each other.

they are fighting

over the limited

space to lie down on

and glue themselves

to the pavement

in order to block traffic.

it's a cat fight.

i can hear the screeching

from one mile away

as i step outside my car

and peer into

my binoculars.

where are the fire hoses

when you need them?

nineteen hours of football

as i stare

at the screen, having watched

nineteen

hours of football

and football analysis

over the weekend.

i brush the potato

chip crumbs off my Lion

Jersey,

pick up the beer cans,

and squeeze

the pizza box into the fridge.

i let the dog out,

let the cat in.

smoke a cigarette, then

close the door

once everyone is in.

lights off, and up the stairs

i go,

letting clothes

call to the floor.

i should brush my teeth,

but no.

tomorrow

morning, for that.

this is why i'll probably

never be married

again.

writing is rewriting, they say

they tell

you in class, creative writing,

or poetry,

fiction

or nonfiction,

that writing is all about

the rewriting.

don't move

on too fast.

crack the whip and

go back, go back.

reword,

restructure, add and

subtract.

but before long you lose

the idea,

the inspiration

you once had.

it all falls flat.

there is no now

live in the moment,

in the now,

whatever any of that means.

the new age

gurus

tell you over and over again

to be present.

but there is no present,

there's no

such thing as now.

it's gone

the instant you try

to hold it in your hand.

there is yesterday

and tomorrow.

there are memories

and there are plans.

that's it.

that's the list.

the now is a wish

that will never come true.

living on easy street

the young,

uncalloused and lazy,

not all of course,

but many,

are waiting. you see them

on the street

going nowhere.

they are resting

in their parents

homes. staying

in schools until they hit 40

years old.

they don't really want

to join this world

or accomplish anything

of value.

work is below them.

punching the clock for wages,

please. get real.

they're waiting

for the old to die,

for the politicians to help

them,

for the trust fund

to kick in,

they're waiting

for the inheritance.

they're

living on easy street until

the end.

read the room and get out

leave

the room when

the gas

leaks,

when the fire breaks

out,

when the floods

arrive,

or lightning strikes.

get out

when the roof falls

in,

when the pipes break

and 

the avalanche

tumbles down.

when the earth rumbles,

and the volcano

erupts.

read the room and get out.

it really isn't love.

faux kings and queens

i used to love sports.

playing

them,

watching them in person

or on tv.

each morning

i'd check the box scores

of my favorite

teams.

whether hoops,

or baseball, basketball.

i'd check the medal

standings

of the Olympics.

and now i hardly bother.

money and egos

have taken

over things.

it's a business, the fun

taken out

of it.

there are no heroes

anymore,

just faux kings and queens.

set the oven at 350

was she a good

cook?

i don't know.

i never saw

her that close

to the oven.

but could she twist the can

opener

on top of a can

of beans

or tuna.

sure she could.

could she peel a grape,

or remove

the seed from an

avocado without

injuring herself.

of course.

but beyond

that she had no skills,

the stove was

a mystery

to her.

the next stop on the train

my stop

on the train is coming up shortly.

but i stay on.

i remain in my seat.

i want to see what

lies beyond

my stop.

what kind of people

live there,

what kind

of homes do they have?

what does the future

look like

on the next stop,

stepping off

onto the platform.

is that grass greener

than mine?

grow up

the victim

line is long and wide,

three deep

circling

the planet.

too young, the wrong

color,

the wrong gender,

the lack

of funds,

weight or height.

what isn't keep you

down,

keeping

you beaten,

keeping you forever

a fragile

child?

fading beauty

as

the snow goes

grey

and melts

into

the gutters,

keeping

the street wet

and black,

the beauty of it all

fades.

just yesterday

the world was 

a postcard

waiting

to be sent,

today

a cold grave.

waking up in this world

you can

decide on being

Christ like,

on being holy,

on becoming

completely

moral,

completely honest

and loving.

you can try, and try

and try

to be compassionate

and kind

as hard as you

might.

but waking up in this

world makes

it difficult.

still, despite all,

go ahead

and try.

a flock of birds in chorus

are birds

a harbinger of some sort,

messengers,

afloat,

flying into our lives

with

mysterious

chirps,

sing song

notes.

the red bird, a drop

of blood

across the sky,

the black bird

thick with night,

the tea

cup sparrow, hardly

measurable

in weight.

what is it that they want

to tell us?

what wisdom will

they instill

into our land locked

life.

 

how to stay together in a relationship

she liked

cats, while i preferred dogs.

she ate

vegetables, but

i preferred meat.

autumn was my

preference while summer

was her cup of tea.

she voted left,

i voted right.

i preferred the morning,

she preferred

the night.

someone how it all 

worked out,

as long as we didn't talk 

too much.

i'm one of those now

i'm one of those now,

reading

labels

on the back of cans

and packages at the grocery

store.

blocking the aisle

with my cart

and bad hearing.

my glasses are on the tip

of my nose

as i calculate carbs

and sugars,

calories.

googling

ingredients unknown.

i hate who i've become,

but it's happened at last,

i'm one

of those.

a fashion statement

it occurred to me,

in one of those

epiphany type illuminations,

while slipping into my

boxer shorts and socks,

that my

Saturday clothes are no

different

from my weekday

clothes.

i dress the same for

almost all occasions now,

except for funerals

and weddings.

cheaper to keep her

i realize

that the old car might not

start

this morning,

and if it does, it will chug

along

at a slow pace.

coughing blue.

there'll be

more rust on the body,

more fumes

coming

into the cabin,

one headlight will be out,

and the radio

will only pick up a station

in Canada,

yesterdays news,

but we're married

to each other,

till death do us part,

so here we go again

into another day.

1984 redux

yes,

it's free speech, but

perhaps

we should whisper how

we really feel.

feelings are so

easily hurt

these days.

best not go against

the grain,

just get in line and

join the parade.

big brother and big

sister

are watching

and listening to everything

we say.

let's make life easier for the criminals

because of all the break ins

occurring in the neighborhood,

by robbers

and rapists, drug dealers

and what not,

owners

of their houses have started

to put up

barbed wire

on their fences,

sharpened steel gates,

and attack dogs in their yards.

some have built

moats full of alligators

and snakes because

crime is out of control.

but now the condo

board is making

everyone take down their

deterrents.

it seems the criminals are

getting hurt,

when they commit 

their crimes,

cutting themselves and getting

bit by dogs

and snakes.

the vote by the board has

determined that these deterrents

are cruel and unsafe.

brother can you spare a dime

a nickel

meant a lot in those days.

a quarter,

a dime

found left behind

in the coke

machine slot,

was a prize.

we always jiggled 

the payphone

when passing by.

a penny on the ground

was always

picked up.

the Kennedy half dollar

was a collectors

item,

hidden deep in a drawer,

in a pair of socks,

never to be spent

or lost,

and the sliver dollar.

well that was a pirate's

treasure,

that was tops.

Sunday morning mass

as i kneeled

in church on the hard wood,

at St. Thomas More,

my knees

would hurt.

my back

would grow sore,

under the glare

of stained glass.

my nose

would run from

all the smoke that was

swung around.

we beat our chests,

stood up,

sat down.

i never understood

a word

said, having it all

in Latin at the time.

but i felt guilty,

and dread.

they were good at

that with young boys

and girls.

it wasn't the fear of God

they instilled in you,

it was fear

of man, instead.

the bathtub photo of her leg

she sent

me a picture of her leg once,

as the relationship

progressed.

she was in

the bathtub.

just her leg, nothing

else.

candlelit.

it was long

and lean, the nails

on the foot

painted a bright

strawberry red.

how many times she sent 

this picture out

to other men,

is anybody's guess.

ruling the world 101

there are lots

of ways

to rule the world, each

and every form

of ruling

has been tried at some

point.

you got your communism,

and we see

how that is working out.

corruption

and bread lines.

the dictatorships,

with the iron

fist,

anyone against the regime

must die.

then there's the king and queen,

owing everything

and everyone

across the land.

taxes upon taxes,

to keep

the crown shined.

and then there's democracy

with a left

and right side.

each man

and woman a vote.

what could possibly go

wrong with that?

cold pressed virgin olive oil

we were all once

cold pressed

virgin

olive oil,

organic, unsullied

by bad

intentioned

hands.

healthy off the vine.

unfettered,

diluted

by dark minds.

young

and innocent,

as originally planned.

a cold front moving in

do i miss your

weather,

the storm clouds, the fierce

wind,

the ice

and snow.

do i miss your thunder,

your floods

and fire,

the cold fronts moving

in.

no dear,

not all.

i'm lying near water now,

with blue

skies

and sunny days to follow.

thanks, but

please, don't come back

again.

in quiet boxes we go

in quiet boxes

we go,

the talk

all the done, the rising

early,

obeying

dad and mum

are over.

the school yard

chums,

the teachers

and lovers

that

came and went,

so many gone before

us,

and more to come.

the work

is finished.

no worries though,

they'll dress you nicely

and say

kind words

when all is said and done.

she was never happier

after seven

kids

and a few miscarriages,

and a cheating

husband

who beat her,

my mother

went off the deep

end

and they put her in

St. Elizabeth's mental

institution.

she finally

got the vacation she

never had.

i'd never seen her

happier,

than when she was in

there.

relaxed and smiling

with hands folded

in her lap,

enjoying

her room with a view

of the grand 

yard, green and full

of trees,

fenced in from the sane.

Jake, the day worker

can you pick me up

at the gate, Jake tells me on

the phone.

they impounded

my car.

i'm being released

this morning from the jump.

but i'm ready

to work.

he's just done thirty days

for another

DUI

and a drunken brawl.

his sixth in six years.

but he's sober and hungry

for a pay day.

he does his best work

when he's sober and just out

of jail.

fit as a fiddle,

ready to start all over again,

once more.

they're letting me keep

my orange overalls,

he tells me, so i'll be

easy to spot

when you come.

she's not a car person

i tell her

that her tires are going flat

and she's missing

a hubcap

or two,

and that

from the look

of the blue

smoke coming out of her

exhaust

she must be burning oil.

and the windshield

is cracked.

there's a strange smell

in the back seat,

dear.

she doesn't seem to notice

any of that.

i'm not a car person,

she tells me.

i just get in and go,

sometimes

i get gas

when the little light

turns yellow on the dash.

oh, and that's

yesterday's tuna salad

in the back.

they're waiting on me

the yard

is full of birds.

black

and red,

wide

wings and narrow,

small sparrows

edging

their way onto the feeder,

or stone

bath by the gate.

they line

the fence

waiting for me

to spill the seed

from

the shed bag.

they know, the word

is out.

why bother with

the woods

and trees

flying north then south,

when they have me.

what not to eat

i watch another 

nutrition video

of what not

to eat.

bread, sugar, sodas,

processed

foods,

margarine.

plant based meat,

alcohol.

anything in a can

or a box,

or wrapped in plastic.

i see everything on there

that i abhor,

everything

except my mother's

split pea soup.

squeezing you in at noon

i check my schedule.

no appointments.

it's a clear slate from dawn

till dusk.

then someone

calls.

i tell them, i'm awful busy.

maybe i can

squeeze you

in at noon.

we could have lunch

then

as long as it isn't too long.

i shuffle some papers

around,

close a drawer, sharpen

a pencil.

please don't be late,

i tell them,

i'm a busy man,

and i get impatient

if i have to wait.

no one prepares you for this

in droves,

like cattle worn and beaten

from the trail

to the slaughter

houses

you see them

in the stores,

at the parks, shopping,

reading,

waiting

for whatever it is 

that's supposed to happen

next.

they gather in small

groups

at coffee houses,

walking the mall,

you see them

in night classes at

the community centers

or

searching for

their golf ball in the woods.

it's not about

money anymore, that game

is over.

it's the hours between

morning and sleep

that are troublesome.

no one

prepares you for

this.

holy ground

they call it holy land,

this sorrow.

a dry place, wide,

without

shade.

the arrows of

vultures circle

in the sky.

the dust is in your

eyes,

caught

in your throat.

there is no water

to quench

your grief,

no words will soothe

the broken

heart.

you have to press on

alone,

further and further,

but you'll wake up

one morning

and know

that the dark birds

have flown.

becoming him

i stare

at the back of his hands,

the roughage

of time

and weather,

soon

mine.

his face and hair,

the way

he curls himself

when

sitting, how

he straightens

his back

to walk.

i see what tomorrow

will bring.

the blue eyes

losing shine,

i hear his voice in mine

now

when we

talk.

Catholic Girls

in our early twenties,

we'd stand in the snowy cold,

outside of a club

called Winstons

on M Street, in Georgetown,

waiting for the bus

to arrive from

Marymount,

dropping off a new

class of girls in

their plaids and capes,

their ribbons and bows.

we'd point and make

our dibs on which one we

we wanted to meet or

dance with.

there was some negotiating

when twins appeared.

coins were flipped or

rock paper scissors decided

things before we came

to blows.

we knew we had to make

fast work of it, the pale blue

bus would be back at midnight

to take them back

to school. but in the end

we found that Catholic

girls, despite a few bites

on the neck, start way too late,

the song was definitely true.

the nightstand tells all

it's easy

to determine what decade of life

one is in

by just taking

a look at their nightstand.

when young,

there's a book.

a clock,

perhaps a phone, but as years

go by

room is made for a glass

of water,

pills, and an extra light

for reading,

perhaps teeth are in jar,

there's the sleeping

mask,

the Ben-gay rub,

the ear plugs,

the heating pad plugged

into the wall.

a box of tissues,

of course and

a pair of glasses on a stack

of books

and magazines,

a crossword puzzle

and a pencil chewed

upon, and maybe

a half eaten

scone

from morning.

now waiting for dawn.

Ingrid from Ireland

my friend

Ingrid,

from Ireland, talks fast.

too fast.

her green eyes flashing

in the pub light.

her hair

aglow,

her skin snow white.

whether one beer or two

down hatch,

it doesn't matter.

i can't understand a word

she says,

though she says it well

whatever it is.

it's lyrical.

poetic in a musical way.

she's Dylan Thomas on

a binge.

i let her roll and roll,

and roll,

not stopping her, i just

nod and drink

my drink. encouraging

her with a grin.

dear God help me open this ketchup bottle

i'm at war

with plastic bottles,

getting them open, for one thing,

is difficult,

with wrench in hand,

pliers twisting

with herculean might,

then tapping

out the last

few ounces on the counter

of whatever is stuck inside

adds to 

the trouble.

ketchup,

ranch dressing.

cream in a box.

so much stuck on the inside

no matter how hard

one taps

on the bottom,

twists and turns,

and curses, trying to coerce

out the final

dollops.

looking under her bed

i shouldn't, but i do,

i'm inquisitive

and nosy,

so i take a look under

her bed,

i pull a drawer open,

i investigate

the medicine cabinet,

reading labels

on the pill bottles,

i check out

the closets,

full of clothes and boxes

stacked,

then out to the yard,

where i pry open

the door to the shed.

i find nothing of interest.

no hidden gems,

just rusted rakes and trowels,

cob webs.

it disappoints me in

a strange way.

i'm not used to someone

without secrets,

hiding a past.

tomorrow i'll check again.

finding our bench

we walk

until our feet hurt, until

we sweat

in the cool autumn air.

we lean

back onto the benches

marked

with who once

sat there.

Marvin and Joe,

Betsy,

and Elise.

i suppose they did the same

as we do.

taking in the view,

observing

others,

hand in hand,

around

the lake, through the ramble,

then back.

perhaps,

one day the city will

mark

a bench for us as well.

i suppose it wouldn't

hurt to ask.

let's play a game

i miss

the old childhood games.

the board

games,

Life

and Monopoly.

Boggle.

training wheels for children

as we grew out

of our clothes.

it was before

Grand Theft Auto,

and Simms,

etc.

the sexualized games

of the now.

the most explicit

we got

was spin the bottle, or

post office.

a kiss on the lips was

what it was

all about.

strip poker was further

down the road.

writing under a pseudonym

we wish

we were taller, or lighter

on our feet,

more handsome

or pretty.

we wish for more than

what we have.

more money.

a bigger house,

a faster car,

better parents

better in-laws.

a tad more

fortune and 

a spoonful of fame

perhaps

more courage, more brains,

more of everything.

are we ever truly content

and happy?

doubtful.

sometimes we even

want to change our name.

don't pull my thread

be kind

tonight

and don't pull the thread

on me.

let it lie,

or snip it clean,

tuck it under, or

between

the others knitted

tight.

don't unravel me,

let's not argue,

or quarrel, or disagree

let's leave our

differences alone

tonight.

how to make a ham sandwich

it's an art of some sort.

the making

of the ham

sandwich.

i spent hours and hours

teaching

my son how to make one

when he was five

and his mother

was out shopping at Norstrom's

for their bi-annual shoe

sale.

i explained to him

how to set all the necessary

ingredients out

on the counter.

the cutting board,

the plate, the sharp knife.

i'd tell him

to close his eyes and visualize

what the sandwich

would look like.

tomatoes and onions

sliced.

the toasted bread, 

preferably a seeded rye,

and the condiment

of choice

that he liked.

i showed him how to fold

the ham and place it on

the bread gently, followed

by cheese, provolone or Swiss

would be nice, then

the lettuce, etc.

finally, but importantly,

i demonstrated how to press

it all down, but

not too hard so that you break

the top piece of bread,

and then the all important

sandwich slice,

not diagonal, of course,

don't be a fool, but straight

across, to make

it easier to bite.

dill pickle on the side.

reaching over to the cold space

in the middle 

of the night i'm

shivering.

my teeth chatter.

i may be dying of frostbite.

i can't feel

my feet.

i reach over for the dog

to warm me,

or for one of

three wives,

or Betty,

but it's an empty cold

space.

i think about the comforter

in the closet,

down the hall.

the big white cloud

of goose feathers.

the choices are to continue

shivering,

or to get up and go get it.

if only i had a coin

to flip to help me decide.

goodbye and good luck

good luck, we say

in passing, in leaving.

never

when we enter the room

and shake a hand,

do we

say, good luck.

why not?

only when we wave

goodbye

do we offer

the phrase, good luck

to you

and your loved ones.

should luck only be applied

when we're not

around.

are we a rabbit's foot

of some

sort

to hold onto once

we depart, once we say

goodbye?

the other side of the tracks

i can't fall asleep

on the train.

i'm too busy looking out the window.

i wish the train

would slow

down, in fact.

give me enough time to take

notes

as i observe what lies

beyond these

steel tracks.

there's another world,

another way

of living, or dying around

each bend,

out each tunnel

of darkness we descend into

and come out

the other side.

sorry, but we already filled that quota

let's not choose, the best

and the brightest

anymore,

don't select

the most intelligent

or worthy

at their

chosen occupations.

the most skilled.

no. instead

let's hire by color and race,

by creed, by

the height or weight.

or hairstyle

of the applicants.

are they left or right handed?

we have quotas now

to go by.

good luck when you fly across

those not so friendly

skies.

riding the rollecrcoaster

we used to kiss and makeup,

break up

fight,

say hateful things

to each other,

then apologize,

and

do it all over again.

it was exhausting, but fun

too.

the epitome of a rollercoaster

relationship.

the other day

i ran into the guy

she's dating now,

he looks like

hell,

beaten and lost. disheveled.

sort of like how i used

to look too.

ending the chicken strike

i go out

into the back yard 

to see how the chickens

are doing

and to collect

a few eggs for breakfast.

i see them

all in line,

marching together,

back and forth

holding up signs

demanding that they

become free range chickens.

they're on strike it appears.

no more eggs

until they have more space

to walk around

and pluck insects

off the ground.

i try to reason with them.

this is a townhouse,

it's a small yard,

there are condo restrictions.

but they'll have none

of it.

there's a lot of clucking

and scratching 

at the dirt,

pecking my feet with their

beaks.

their little beady eyes are

bugging out of their heads

from holding back

on the eggs.

i go back in

and look up a few recipes

online for roasted

chickens,

and chicken pot pies.

the painting estimate

take your shoes

off when

you come in the door,

the woman

tells me,

yelling down from

the kitchen

with her hazmat

suit on.

okay, i yell back.

so i sit on the step and

slip out of my shoes.

what about my

pants,

i yell up the stairs,

on or off?

this makes her call

the police.

i guess

i won't be getting

that job.

no longer factory parts

new knees,

new

hips,

new shoulder, a nip

and tuck

here and there,

a reduction,

an enlargement,

each part

under construction,

under repair.

even the heart is switched

out.

who still has their

factory

parts when being towed

to the cemetery,

few, it seems,

few retain the original

upholstery

installed at the start.

the YMCA steam bath

my wife

tells me that we need more friends

to invite to the party.

friends

of color, she says,

you know.

brown, black, Hispanic

Asian.

maybe find a transgender

or two.

all our friends

are white,

pale, and pasty.

and most of them are straight,

without piercings

or tattoos.

we need to diversify.

don't you play basketball

with some

of these kinds

of people?

i tell her yes, but, wouldn't

it be a little

strange to do this?

i would like you to meet some

gay people too, she tells me.

would you mind

going to the YMCA next week

to use the steam bath?

and then

to the parade for the gender

confused.

no, i'm not doing that.

what's wrong with you?

are you out of your mind?

calm down, she says, calm down.

i just think that we need to fit

into the world

better, i don't want us to

appear

unwoke. you know?

people are starting to talk

about us.

the 1965 Tupperware Party

my mother, in order

to have

a few more

bucks to raise her seven children

would throw

Tupperware

parties.

we'd watch from the top

of the stairs, taking

it all in.

she'd make tea and small

sandwiches,

cookies to start it off.

before long

the house was

full

of women from the neighborhood

looking for a small

plastic

container

with a red top

to store away their leftovers.

midway

in the party, my mother

would start

making cocktails.

Manhattans

and martinis, and would

put some music

on the stereo.

Sinatra and Dean Martin,

Bobby Darin.

Chubby Checker doing

the twist.

everyone lit up a cigarette

and

dancing ensued.

she sold everything

by the end of the day.

once more, by the skin

of our teeth,

the electric bill got paid.

not everyone old is wise

not everyone

old

is wise.

you don't have to look

far

or listen too hard

to know that.

turn on the television

and watch

the news,

watch

the politicians debate.

read the paper,

for some,

a long life lived

is full

of mistake after mistake.

thirty years later

i'm

matronly now,

she tells me,

over the phone.

too much wine

and pastries.

i've let myself go.

people mistake me for

Angela Lansbury now,

asking for

my autograph.

the actress at the end,

not the beginning.

will you still love me

like you used to?

love me when we meet

again?

or are you shallow

as ever?

no need to respond.

i laugh.

not to worry my dear.

let's meet, i tell her.

i look like Lou Asner now

from the Mary Tyler Moore

show.

so tell me,

how about i pick you up

at six

for an early dinner?

i don't believe in broccoli

i don't believe in broccoli,

or the news,

or the statistics

on global

warming

or cholesterol,

or anything spewed

by talking

heads

and influencers.

i don't believe

the doctors, the lawyer,

the teacher,

the actors and writers,

or the investment

guru.

i don't believe in fish,

or red

meat,

or voodoo.

i don't believe in

science, or math,

or any religion

that begs for money,

or school. i don't believe

half of what

the world preaches,

and lately

i'm having my doubts

about you.

clam chowder

this is good soup,

she says,

sipping her clam chowder

in the dim

light of the cafe.

it is i tell her, blowing

on my spoon.

spilling crackers

into the mix

of potatoes and clams,

all white.

is there more to talk about?

perhaps,

but not right now.

not tonight.

the headache poems

i struggle

with most poetry. 

with what any of it means.

the reference

to Greek mythology,

or ancient Rome,

or some species

of flower

i've never known.

i don't understand the long

words,

the strange metaphors

and similes.

it's a puzzle written

by very smart

writers,

no doubt. Ivy League.

but i have no clue as

to what

it's all about.

please tell me what

any of it means.

just ten quick hits of dopamine

i promise

my brain only ten quick

hits of

tik tok

dopamine

this morning, before coffee

and then

off to work.

but i go down

the proverbial rabbit hole,

deep into

the strange world

that we live in.

i had no idea that a person

could put

an ankle behind

their head

while jumping on

a trampoline,

or that there are ten million

pieces of space

junk floating

around the earth.

i stop at the monkey video,

the one

where he's playing

Beethoven's 5th symphony

on the piano.

it's cold out

when you

hear the words, i don't

want

any more chaos,

or drama in

my life,

you know there's a story

waiting to be

told.

but do you ask,

do you press them on

the past,

to spill

their tale of woe,

or do you smile and say,

that's nice

then button your coat

up to your chin,

because it's cold?

the napkin in his coat pocket

when he died, we went

through

his pockets,

his pants, his coat,

his shirt.

we found lists

and notes.

reminders of some sort,

to change the furnace

filter or

to change

the oil

in his car.

coins and bills.

a nail clipper and a comb.

breath mints.

there were

grocery lists.

milk and bread, the rest.

and then we

found this.

a napkin folded

neatly over

with the imprint of

a lipstick kiss.

red.

no number, no name.

but fresh.

don't wake up, just yet

it's a strange

dream,

a Salvadore Dali

kind of collage of many

disconnected

things.

babies

and empty rooms.

nude women,

and water.

there's a white vase.

a black

as oil crow.

red curtains and lace.

there's the eye

of the moon,

a yellow strand of hair.

there's no

rhyme

or reason for any of it

that i can

think of,

but i loved being there.

i wanted more,

i wanted to see what

came next.

some new hipster music

with each

tearing of the calendar sheet,

i feel

more and more

out of touch

with what's new.

the hipster music,

the hipster talk,

the new thoughts on

most things.

am i stuck in my youth,

my middle age,

my whatever it is now

i'm treading in?

perhaps.

but put a quarter in the juke

box,

and let's see what

comes out.

will it make my foot tap,

my head

nod,

my mouth shout?

diamond in the rough

what's the difference?

a shard

of glass glimmering

in the gutter,

giving

off a brilliant ray

of light,

or that twenty thousand

dollar diamond

behind

the counter at the jewelry

store?

they look the same

to me.

but i know which you

prefer.

and that's why it'll never

work between

us.

catching a large white fish

i remember

when

she pulled up her

cotton

shirt,

and grabbed the flabby

tire around

her stomach,

a white fish

caught between two

hands.

look at me, she said.

how did this happen?

she was incredulous.

i tell her wine,

Oreos,

Ledo pizza

and potato chips mostly,

and the peanut

butter and banana

sandwich you

eat before bed.

in the trenches

i give

her the story of my scar

that runs

along

my forehead.

a clean deep

wound, long healed, but

there it is

in the light.

i tell her it's from when

i was at war,

and she asks,

which one.

i tell her three wars each

no better than

the other,

a battle in

the trenches,

thinking it was love.

but in the end,

i survived,

i did win.

i'm too blame

i know

that i'm to blame, not

for your

unhappiness, but for mine,

it's all my fault

hanging

too long,

to someone,

strange, someone

adrift in

a permanent fog.

they are my kind

is there

a more beautiful

sight

than a man or woman

working?

hands in the mud,

knuckles bent around

wrenches

and pipes,

feet off the ground,

sweat

and tears, blood and grit,

going at it

day in 

day out to earn their

crust of bread.

they don't stand on

the street corner

begging,

or wait in line for 

the government dole,

the left-handed handout.

there is no daddy or mommy

to lean on

as they grow old.

they wash

and clean, dig and carry.

climb.

they wake up early

and come home late,

they make

the world go round.

they are my

kind.

disco fever

moving

my seven pairs of loafers 

and sketchers

out of the way

in my closet,

i come across my old dancing

shoes

from back in the day,

when i used to go

up to NYC 

to party at Studio 54.

i had a bad case of disco

fever back then.

the shoes still have

goo stuck to the bottom

of the soles.

like amber on a tree trunk.

spilled drinks,

and sweat and blood

and god knows

what else.

there's a spray

of sparkle on them too.

those were the days,

Liza, and Michael,

Andy

and Calvin.

Truman,

Mick and Bianca.

i should have them tested

for DNA,

then sent to the Smithsonian

to be put

on display.

going winter crazy

i yell down

to my imaginary Butler,

Wilson,

to fix me a cup of coffee

and to

whip up two eggs

over easy

before i hit the road.

of course he doesn't answer,

because

well,

because he doesn't exist.

i tell him

to bring up the paper,

then walk

the dog.

i tell him the grocery

list is on the fridge

for when he goes to the market,

and to pick up my kids

at school at three,

who also don't exist.

and please go easy on

the collars

with the starch, i tell him.

they're a little

too stiff.

isn't it Ironic

it's too cold

out

to protest, i tell her.

can't we

wait until the spring?

i think i got

frostbite

the last time we

blocked the 409.

look at my hands,

my fingers

are still blue.

she looks

at me with her bandana

wrapped around

her head

and face,

holding the sign she just

made.

don't be a sissy, she says.

but, i tell her,

shouldn't we be protesting

global warming

when it's hot

out?

they're calling for nine

inches of snow,

by this afternoon.

it seems ironic, doesn't it?

get dressed she says,

here's your

mittens, miss Alanis

Morisette.

where's the bathroom?

by accident

i took a bite of a plant based

hamburger.

i chipped

a tooth

on the hard cardboard

concoction

formed from

the shredded likes

of kale

and barley, legumes

and dirt.

it looked like a burger

from Five Guys,

the same

shape,

the same color, but 

no matter how much

ketchup

i put on it, or lettuce,

or onions, or a slice

of tomato,

and no matter how

sugary sweet the bun

was that held

it all together,

it sent me running 

down the hall

for the bathroom.

a man's last dying words

i read somewhere

that the most heard phrase,

when someone

is about to die,

lying in bed, with the lights

going dim

and dimmer,

loved ones at their side.

with decades of living

behind them,

and i'm paraphrasing here,

but the phrase 

on the lips of most

dying people is,

what the hell was that

all about?

sleepy joe and the orange man

so it looks like

ole sleepy joe, and the orange

man

are going to duke

it out

in November.

two old white guys

nearing 80.

shouldn't they

be playing

pickleball

somewhere, or playing cards,

or fishing,

or playing golf

in their Jimmy Buffet

shirts

and white shoes?

why aren't

they at the beach,

lying in the sun,

life done,

drinking prune juice?

getting into Costco is hard

it's easier

to get in across the border

down south,

through

rivers and streams,

deserts

and barbed wire,

banditos

around every cacti,

dogs and guards, than it

is getting into

Costco without

a membership card

and a valid Id.

despite all efforts,

they won't let you in

until you sign up

and pay a yearly fee.

a postcard from New York City

we can't afford

a trip

to New York, or Chicago.

with the exorbitant

prices of hotel

rooms being what they

are, so we brush up on

our Spanish and hop on

board a bus of migrants

coming from

Texas and afar.

a free ride.

in nine hours or so,

we'll be staying at

the Roosevelt hotel,

with room service,

a fine establishment

in the heart of the city,

famous for its ambiance,

and Guy Lombardo

ringing in the new year,

once getting four stars.

and the beauty of it is.

is that there's absolutely

no charge.

thank you, Joe.

we'll send along a postcard.

what are men telling us with their facial hair

what message

is the beard

telling us? the mustache,

or mutton chops.

what about

the goatee, or the Amish

look

with hair

everywhere but above

the lips.

what are the sideburns

and the handlebar,

all about?

the thin

stache,

that magicians wear.

Salvidor Dali

with his little curly cue,

at the end.

what are men

trying to tell us with

their facial

hair?

the doorman knows us

the doorman

know us by name.

he's tall

and robed in regal splendor,

gold buttons

and gold brocade

trim.

a hat no less,

that of a prince.

he knows when we come home,

when we

leave again.

he knows our dog,

our friends,

our late hours.

he knows

our mistakes and misgivings,

he smiles

as he pulls open

the door at 3 am,

he knows our 

our stumbles,

letting

strangers in,

but mum's the word

because

Christmas is just around

the bend.

i don't know what to do with myself

i don't know

what to eat anymore,

or drink or read, or where

to go

on vacation, or what to do with

my life,

or how to heal

myself from

heartbreak, or strife,

i have no mind of my own,

no clear

path towards happiness.

so i go on YouTube,

of course.

Tik Tok.

it used to be just Oprah,

as my guiding

light,

but now there's hundreds

of influencers

to follow

and make my life

right.

I click, click, click

and swipe.

Monday through Sunday

her pill box.

a plastic container

with hinged

lids,

marked

Monday through Sunday.

is filled

with a variety of pills

of all color,

shapes and sizes.

each

keeping her fit and trim,

and right

of mind,

i suppose.

at eight a.m.,

i see her at the edge

of the bed

with a glass of water

and down

they go.

finding your groove

i see

that in retirement, the old

men,

find a routine.

my neighbor has one,

my father,

my uncle.

early to rise then out

the door

to warm up the car

and drive.

the paper,

then coffee, the donut

shop

where they know his name.

the gym

to flirt with the new

girl

and gossip with friends.

they drive

by the shipyards,

the factories,

the office buildings,

they take the long away

around,

maybe through the park,

then back home

again.

almost time for lunch

then a nap

on the couch with the cat,

and the dog

curled at the end.

already decided

there is

no use in talking politics.

the feet

of most

are planted firmly in cement.

dried

and hardened

with time

and misinformation.

there is no changing

of opinions,

despite facts,

or reason

applied.

it's love or hate, black

or white.

the lever has been pushed

even before

the November

night.

her damp skirt

he signed

her copy of his book of poems

after

she sipped

too much wine

and spilled it on her dress.

she listened on

as trickles of red, like blood,

rolled down

her leg.

she loved

his words,

his rhyme or lack thereof,

the stories

that he told with each

clean sweep

of words.

how he

read each

beautiful line.

good luck he wrote

on the inside page,

best of luck with

your damp skirt,

and future

glasses of wine.

Philip Levine.

a circle of friends

i remember

watching the boy,

a teenage boy,

an honor society boy,

an athlete,

wrapping a rubber

tube around

his arm,

and then sticking a needle

full of heroin

into a fattened

vein.

the six or seven us,

all friends,

were in the darkened

basement,

lit up only by a black light

over the poster

of Jimi Hendrix. 

we were

listening to music,

eating, laughing, drinking.

the boy nodded off,

falling backwards

onto pillows,

with a smile on his pale

white face.

no longer were we kids

on the playground,

or helping each

with homework,

or spending the night

watching tv,

or calling girls on the phone.

this was different.

this was childhood

ending.

my neigbor Albert Einstein

i used to live next

door

to Albert Einstein,

the physicist,

he was always knocking on the door

asking me

if knew anything

about

synching his phone

with his Bose

speakers.

together we'd work for hours,

sitting on the floor,

but with no luck.

then he asked me

to show him how to fold

a fitted a sheet.

i stared at his laundry

basket, shaking my head sadly,

and said, nope, good luck with that.

but i was able to help him

log onto

Netflix, so at least we 

accomplished that task.

before i left i asked him

what that blue

bubbling

test tube on his kitchen

counter was all about,

and the beaker spewing

gaseous fumes,

he laughed,

and scratched his head,

then said.

oh, you don't want to

know about that.

more work to be done

does therapy

actually help

the mentally ill,

or unstable,

the unhappy, the confused?

not really.

but maybe it gives one

a moment

of reflection,

though it's no less 

or no more helpful

than trying

to change your body

by staring into a mirror.

the peace negotiations

i try

to patch things up between

the two old

friends,

who have become estranged,

arguing

for years,

or not speaking

over meaningless

childish things.

it's Egypt and Israel,

all over again.

the Hatfield's and McCoy's.

the Capulets and Montagues.

Donald and Hillary.

they have

a small truce.

a fragile start,

but we shall see, the egos

are too large

for it to last long.

peace is rarely forever,

if you follow

history.

what meant most to him

near the end 

of his life,

my father gave

me

the shovel he used

on a farm

in Nova Scotia,

circ1933.

the rake,

the trowel.

he gave me the leather

reins

that he used

for his horse. the bucket

that he

carried seed in,

or to milk

the cow.

i told him thank you.

thank you.

but didn't tell him

that it felt

too late now.

i just need a little bump

whether

drug

or drink, sugar

or salt,

we all have our weaknesses.

for some

it's sleep,

or love,

or something close

to love,

perhaps

like or lust.

we need a bump,

a jolt whether

from

caffeine,

or smoke,

a dollop of dopamine,

something to get us

through the day.

something

to give us

a small serving

of hope.

she was about to sell us to gypsies

i sincerely

believed that my mother

or father

was going to sell us to gypsies,

black robed

and moaning,

when we

lived in Castle del fel.

they wanted

something,

money food, maybe another

child to tend

to their flock

of whatever animals

were in the back of their

horse pulled wagons.

the woman stood

up

with her naked brown

baby

and said something in her

language.

more like a song

than a plea

for mercy.

my mother gave them bread,

and wine,

and whatever else

she could find to fend

of the curses they might put on us.

we hid under bed

until we heard the hooves

marching onward

with the crack of a whip.

only three more hours

i know

i should be more patient,

but i'm not.

i set the timer

on the oven,

and peak into the pot

of stew.

only four more

hours to go.

i pace the room, looking

at my watch.

should i add more

carrots,

more salt?

should i turn the oven

up?

should i make a peanut

butter

sandwich

to hold the cravings off.

or just suffer,

and wait it out?

how old and how did he die

what you really want to 

know,

is how old was he,

and how

did he die?

the rest of the obituary

is filler.

sure he was a great

guy.

a father, a husband,

etc. etc.

he worked at his profession

up until the end.

but how old

was he,

and how did he meet

his demise.

please tell me he was a lot

older than me

and just never

woke up one morning.

maybe tell me that in

the first

few lines.

the other worlds

tired of looking

out

into the sky, at nothing

but far

away planets and stars,

lifeless

for the most part,

i buy

a microscope

and start looking into that

instead.

gazing

at the little

glass plates smeared

with blood

and platelets.

wings of bugs,

and germs.

bits and pieces of the living

and dead.

it's a crazy world

of minutiae

going on, much

more interesting than

the rest of

the universe.

you take the last one dear

i told her

to go ahead, you can have

the last

oyster on the plate.

so she

shook out another

dollop

of hot sauce,

then down the hatch

it went.

i visited her

in the hospital the next

day.

you take the last one,

the next time,

she said with

an IV in her arm,

okay?

one eye looking down

the paper

gives you a face, a time

and place

of death.

a bullet wound

to the chest.

no witnesses,

no one

around to confess.

a robbery?

maybe.

a grudge now settled?

who's to know

these things.

at three a.m.

in the morning.

the silver moon above,

with one

eye looking

down.

wild children in the street

are there really

horses stampeding out

in the street.

what is that noise,

as school

bells ring

at the end of another year,

gone.

wild horses? no, not quite.

why it's children,

half grown,

they keep making them,

i suppose.

more yet to be born.

going backward into time

it doesn't work

that way.

there is no turning back

the clock,

or calendar

page

to savor what was

right, or fix

what went wrong.

there is no time machine,

no magic

wand,

or spell to take you

backwards

to another day,

now gone.

prayer won't help either.

but occasionally

you can get there

while listening to

the sweet sound 

of a well worn song.

what's the point of anything anymore

i find my friend jimmy

sitting on my front porch when

i go out to get the newspaper.

it's early in the morning.

hey, i say to him.

what's up, what are you doing here?

he's already read the paper

and is sitting on it because

the porch is wet from last nights rain.

did you break up with Lulu Belle

again.

yeah, i did, but that's not all of it,

he says. i'm really depressed.

well, if not her, then what?

it's everything, he says.

what are we doing with our lives?

i was watching a science show

last night, and they said that

eventually the sun is going

to burn out and the earth

will die because of that.

the earth can't live without the sun,

did you know that?

so what's the point of anything,

he says. everything we hold dear,

the Kardashians, 

Oprah, Dr. Phil and Snoop Dog,

wrestling and pickleball,

television,

YouTube and tik Tok, it'll all

be gone. poof, all our hard work

gone just like that.

i just weeded my yard the other

day and washed my car,

and for what?  not to mention that 

i just renewed my subscription

to People magazine. 

i've been on a Keto diet,

starving myself all year, killing

myself,

and why. what's the point?

i spend half the day separating

plastic, paper and glass

for the trash man.

i even stopped drinking

and smoking.

every morning i do some push ups

and sit ups

and take a walk. but for what?

but, i tell him.

the sun will be around for another

billion years or more, so

we'll be long gone by then.

we have a lot of time left, jimmy.

hmmm. he says. yeah, that's true.

hey, are you making coffee?

i could use a cup.

and maybe i should call Lulu back up,

and patch things up with her,

since we still have time.

my new AI scale

i bought

a new fangled scale to measure

my weight

as i get in shape

for the beach season.

it's the latest in

AI

innovation. it talks to me

when i step aboard.

it jokes,

saying things like, please,

one person

at a time.

or have you no self

control

with cake and pie?

less lettuce and more meat,

it'll say

when i'm too thin.

or stand up straight,

and take your shoes off,

and take

those rocks out

of your pocket.

i'm working here.

get on naked, it's okay,

i won't laugh, or

you may need a little more

fiber in your diet.

lay off the wine,

your shaking me inside.

he was a quiet man, they said

after

the yellow tape goes up,

and 

the murder scene is photographed

and investigated,

they begin

to ask the neighbors

what kind of a man

was he,

the suspect.

and as one, they all agree

that

he was a quiet man,

a man who minded

his own business,

he always said hello

in passing, he even

walked

my dog once, one said.

so

we're very surprised that

he took

this action.

global freezing protest march

the winter months

have a way

of telling people to shut up

and go

home.

get off the streets

with your global warming

protests

and parades.

the wind and ice,

blizzard conditions seems

to take the steam

out of them

and off they go to a bowl

of porridge,

and a fire to rub

their hands against.

at four below, it makes

sense

to stay home.

two hundred and twenty three record albums

i stare

at my aging collection of vinyl

LP's.

all of them

stacked together

in the cellar in bins.

originals

from the sixties, seventies

until

8 tracks came

into being.

then cd's,

then Spotify and amazon,

and whatever

else there is out there that

pleases me.

i have Like a Rolling Stone,

and most of Dylan,

in nine different

forms

of music.

but Barbra Streisand,

or Joan Baez,

none.

it has a mind of its own, sorry

we often

have to adjust this particular

appendage

that we are quite

fond of,

protective of.

it needs to be jostled at

times,

rearranged into a better

position, especially

when hopping on a bike.

athletes in particular

have to do this

all time.

having a mind of its own,

the beach can be a problem

during bikini season,

or if the ocean

is cold.

you never quite know

what it's

thinking,

or what mood it's in.

it can surprise you or disappoint

you, depends

on who you're kissing,

or missing.

excessive drinking, or worry

can do it in.

but like the sun,

in the morning, it will often,

miraculously,

rise again.

i should water that plant one day

being men,

especially when single,

we are never quite completely

house trained.

sure we track in

mud,

grass,

whatever we step into

from the outside

world.

the seat is always left up.

and sometimes

we forget to flush.

the bread lies

untied on the counter,

the butter out,

the doors unlocked.

bills

on the floor, fallen

from the door slot,

are stepped upon,

pushed to a corner.

we can live in complete

clutter

and chaos and can wear

for weeks on end,

the same

shirt

and the same socks.

plants don't live long

around us.

remember the sun?

cold

feet, cold hands.

i'm

an ice cube

shivering here in this

vast

wasteland.

white as far as the eye

can see.

i miss the sun.

that yellow ball of light.

a vague

memory.

i should have taken

more pictures

on those summer

days when

it was out.

as i eat a cheeseburger

i see the hunters

in the woods,

orange vests aglow

against

the bare trees

and freshly

fallen snow.

rifles in tow.

what are they after?

what needs

to be killed on this cold

morning?

i look out

from the window.

there's nothing

that deserves death,

i think,

at least nothing

that i know.

don't ruin things for me

i do like the familiar.

the same

coffee,

the same eggs over easy

with hashbrown

and bacon,

the paper on the porch.

i like

the big couch

by the window.

i like my shows,

my books,

i like

this one blanket in

particular

that i curl under when

it's time

for sleep.

i like it when i place my

fingers

on the keyboard,

creating

words on another blank page,

i am a creature

of habit,

of comfort.

don't ruin things for me,

by insisting,

that i leave the house.

who are you now?

did i dream

about you last night?

did i roll over and reach out

for the bones

of you,

the flesh

of you? was that you in

the other room,

unable to sleep?

counting sorrows on

your fingers,

and the toes

of your feet.

who are you now?

which mask are you wearing?

what keeps

you away from me?

who is he?

i'll pray for him too.

it's at our throats again

can this be true,

already,

it's upon us, the forms

and papers,

the documents to be

signed

and sealed,

delivered, by mail

or wire.

tax time is at our throats

again.

did we give enough.

were we charitable,

did we hide

a check or two, or three

under the table?

will they flag me for

writing off

cake and ice cream,

massage parlors,

the Gypsy too?

all work related mind

you.

my calculator is plugged,

my pencils sharpened.

where dear lord

should i begin?

two gift cards from Dollar General

once more, i have won

the lottery.

i have been awarded

seven point two million dollars

and a luxurious

white Mercedes Benz

from the publishers clearinghouse.

the man

has informed me on the phone

with glee

that i am a lucky winner.

i sigh.

i tell him thank you,

and ask him which store

should i go to

to get gift cards to pay

the taxes on my winnings.

he tells me Dollar General,

or Kroger's.

Wal-Mart maybe.

he needs

two four hundred dollar

gift cards

to satisfy the IRS stipulations

on such earnings.

no problem, i tell the man,

who sounds

strangely Jamaican,

despite having the name,

David Martin.

i'm on my way now, i tell him,

walking

through a blizzard, with

my sled dogs.

and rifle to shoot off any

wild wolves

that might try to devour me.

out of season

you can't pick

it too early, or too late,

there is a sweet

spot for

fruit

when it's time to take

a bite.

it can't linger in a wooden

crate

for weeks

on end,

or cross the ocean

in containers,

cardboard boxes and

steel bins,

it isn't right.

though they look fine

beneath the glow

and polish

of earnest hands

and fluorescent

lights.

these apples, these berries

these melons

won't please you,

wait until the season

is right.

it's what men do

i see the men

with their shovels

and salt,

in their new Christmas coats,

high boots,

hats and scarves

secured

around their necks as

they dig out their cars,

shoveling

the walk all the way

down to the street.

it's what men do.

we hunt, we get out

there, no matter

the weather, no matter

if there's a war.

we can't help ourselves.

we need to

get to the market,

the gas stations,

to the post office.

nothing will stop us,

but ourselves.

scotch and cigarettes

a new pint

of old scotch is left on

the stone,

beneath

which

a body lies, long gone.

the birth and death,

and name,

carved clearly.

there's a pack

of lucky strikes

left on the marker,

a box of strike

wooden

matches too.

he was Pharoah of some

sort,

i imagine,

lacking his own

pyramid,

just a cold blanket

of snow,

the low winter

light making it

blue.

no traffic if you go now

standing on the corner,

with my phone

in my pocket, tucked

away,

i talk to my friend

Jimmy,

about

a new set of tires for my

car.

within

minutes,

i'm receiving emails

and texts

from firestone

and goodyear

informing me of radials

on sale.

Jimmy asks me

if there are any good

pizzas parlors around

that we can 

got to for lunch.

i tell him, hold on for

a minute,

then i check my

phone, 

it says try Luigi's

five blocks from where

you're standing.

go south on 5th avenue,

no traffic

if you go now.

and by the way, your

zipper's down.

the house of cards

we all

are a house of cards.

the stack

built high

on luck and ambition,

so easily

tumbled

once the first one

falls to the side.

whether money

or health,

the dark wind

of some misfortune,

we are all

just moments away

from

being hopeless

and homeless,

thrown out

on our ear, scrambling

to stay alive.

spicing things up

i'll never

eat another jalapeno

pepper again,

i say

to myself,

as i swallow four

magnesium

chalk

like pills for indigestion,

trying to

assuage

the heart burn.

why did i cut

them up and throw

them

into the hashbrowns,

the eggs.

always trying to spice

things up.

i knew this was going

to happen,

but i did it anyway.

chapter three

in the story

of my life.