it's an old story

it's an old story.

you enter the room, she's with you.

you both set your bags
onto the floor and look around
at the empty rooms.

this will do, you say to her.
yes, she says.

you are in love, and she with you.

this will be our home. we will have
children here
and live our life.

that's the beginning.
the middle is different though.

boredom sets in.
the children are unruly. work
is hard.

the lawn reminds you each day
of what tomorrow
will bring.

love dissipates. anger surfaces.
long faces
are made. sadness
sets in.

old age never comes.
one moves, the other stays.

it's an old story.

don't be late

don't be late
I tell her. I won't wait.

i'm here now,
early as usual. having a drink
at the bar.

let me know
if you can't make it, or
if it rains

or if there is no
parking,

or the dog needs to be
walk, or the kid
is sick.

don't be late.
i'm tired of waiting.

exhausted by the needs of others.
i'm selfish now.

I've earned the right
at last,

it's all about me, done
with indulging
others,
forgiving, being lenient

with
their issues, their chaotic
present,
their gloomy past.

i'm tired of
being last.

don't be late, I won't
wait.

Going to Goodwill

i take three enormous
green
lawn bags full of old
and new clothes
down to the local clothes
depository, the goodwill store.
some with tags still on them,
never worn.

why i bought an orange shirt,
and green
pants, i'll never know.
a suit with gold
stripes? what the hell.

the woman at the counter
pours everything
out and says.
these all clean?
yup, I tell her.
have you checked the pockets?
no sharp objects?
nope, i don't think so.
this shirt has a stain on it,
what is that? lipstick, mascara?
take it back.
it'll wipe off, i tell her.
i don't care, she says,
we want clean clothes.

and this sweater has a loose
thread. look at that, one pull
and the whole thing unravels
and someone freezes to death.
i can't have that on my conscience.
we'll can't you just cut
it with a pair of scissors?
no.
i'm not a tailor, and
what's the deal with all
these shoes.

you got a shoe fetish or something
some of them look brand
new.
dude, you got some issues,
don't you?
and all this underwear you
stuffed into the bag.
men's, women's. you've got to
be kidding.

what happened to what's her name?

whatever happened to what's
her name, she says,
while
washing her little red
sports car in front of
the house. the hose
is in her hand,
with a bucket of suds
at her sandals. it reminds
me of that scene
in cool hand luke.

who?
I say, sitting on
the porch, looking up
from the paper as she leans
onto the car,
scrubbing
the hood in her daisy dukes.

you know, that woman
that lived here for
a few months, Sheila, or
Betty, that jezebel
you were seeing for awhile.

oh come on, you know.

string bean, lanky
sad kind of girl
with the haystack hair.
big pair of oversized
glasses
hiding her face.
she seemed terribly
depressed. always carrying
four giant handbags
on her shoulder.

oh, her.
I have no idea.

I watch as
she sprays the windshield
with water, having it bounce
back onto her white
t shirt, soaking her.

I clear my throat, cross
myself and try
to think of baseball.

I think she went back
to her ex husband,
or married boyfriend, or
her mother's basement.
out of sight, out of mind,
she disappeared.
packed her few
belongings and adios.

by the way,
you know you missed
a spot
on the door. right down there,
no there, lean
towards the tire.

there, you got it.
don't forget the bumpers.

refillable glass

it means little
that the glass
is half
full,
or half empty,
for what's true,
is that
no matter
what the case may be,
it's refillable.
so do that,
and relax.
there's more where
that came from.
trust me.

visiting her grave

i visit her grave,
despite the fact that she's
still alive.
i go to lay flowers
at the stone
that bears
her name.
i say a few words, rambling,
trying to find
some semblance of peace.
trying to figure out how any
human being can
be such a liar, so full
of sickness
and deceit.
i stare at the ground,
the dirt
covered in green.
i look around at the other
graves.
some fresh, some
well kept, some, like hers
rarely visited
or seen.
but i'm here, so relax
old girl,
and quit
nagging me. get off my back,
out of my life, my brain.
at some point, i'll
be healed and i won't
be coming by
again.

a girl from mars

I meet a girl
from mars, she's interesting.
different, green skin,
and almond eyes.
medusa like hair.
she's something to behold
in the light of day,
but is there chemistry?
does she like to read
and do fun things like travel
to the beach
or new York city for
a few days.
does she like to binge on
Netflix and stay
in on a cold winter night
and eat popcorn,
snuggling on the couch.
is she on any crazy meds
or in therapy
because she wasn't hugged
enough as a child,
but she's from mars,
so things are different
where she's from.
we're in the honeymoon stage.
taking it slow,
nice and easy,
plus she needs to adjust
to our gravity, not to mention
the traffic
and getting from point
a to point b
flying around in her cute
little spacecraft.

back into the crowd

you spend
an afternoon under the spell
of tom waits.

in between love.
I hope that I don't fall in love
with you.
closing time.
back into the crowd.

he sets the table, the mood.
it's like
he's been in every room.

been in your attic, your cellar,
your kitchen,
your bedroom.

sometimes you think he's there,
at the piano,
a hot cigarette burning in an ashtray,

the blue smoke a genie
out of the bottle,
a tumbler of amber whiskey
nearby.

a woman you once loved,
on the doorstep,
crying.

ghost world

we disappear.

but I repeat myself. I've said
it so many times
before,

with the same words, but
arranged in a different order.

the field is empty.
those once loved, or almost
love have wandered
away,

into the woods, into the sea.
they have
gone,

faded into shadows, into fog, into
ghosts,
transparent in the haze.

they have gone away.
not a word spoken, not a word
written,

not even a look
backwards to meet your eyes,
not even a wave.

nothing left behind.
what's done is done.

right before the dawn

how easily
we are fooled by tears.
by sadness.
by fear.
we think these clouds
will never part,
this rain
will never stop,
that tomorrow will never
come,
the heart will never heal.
how wrong we are
when in the dark.
how foolish,
unsmart to not know
that the darkest
hour is right
before the dawn.

home sweet home

my mother rarely saw a plate
that she didn't
want to throw at my father's head.
whether it had food on it
or not, hardly mattered.
he became quite adept at dodging,
ducking, sliding side to side.
the next morning was like
a war zone, broken glass everywhere.
a coffee pot thrown
threw a window, lying
in the yard.
forks and knives,
red sauce on the ceiling,
the phone cord
cut, a door knob broken,
a hole the size of a fist
straight through the other side
of a door.
fun stuff.
she'd be on the couch, asleep,
a strip of white adhesive tape
holding her
glasses together,
a new cast on her arm.
and he'd be gone, somewhere.
sobering up in someone
else's arms.

that is not love

I bend to the power
of water, let it flow into my mouth.
quenching
the thirst I've carried with me
for so long.
but it isn't love.
I lie in the warm sun, exposing
my skin
to the radiant heat
more generous than one could
hope for,
and yet,
that isn't love.
what's on my plate, seasoned
and filling,
a king's meal, I finish it with
bread,
with drink, but still,
as you might expect, that is
not love.
the book upon my lap,
the last page read, the satisfaction
of a story well told,
one I will forever
hold, and yet, that too
isn't close to being
what we're looking for, but
perhaps it will be
enough.

her snake boots

i see her now in her plastic
boots
white with small umbrellas painted
into
the fabric.
red, green, yellow, orange.

to say she was eccentric would
be an understatement.

she called them her snake boots.
and out she'd go

into her broad wooded yard,
the winter sky
mirrored in puddles,

wearing close to nothing,
to fetch the paper at the end
of the gravel
driveway.

a rake in hand, just in case.

the far wall

I see the smiles
dropped
and left upon the lawn,
side stepping them
as I move
towards the far gate
where the wall
needs fixing.
I see the rise of
clouds,
banks of memory, promises
made
and unkept.
the trees are caves
of words
unsaid.
silent as if holding their
breath.
I reach the wall and lift
an old stone
into place.
I tamp it down with
cold hands.
it will hold through
winter,
then i'll be gone.

shades of brown

shades of brown.
mud, wet along the bank.
beige off the boot,
crumbles, now
dried
and set aside
by the door, the worn
floor,
once glossed in wax
on polyurethane
now faded
almost into yellow, or
harshly
scuffed towards black.
the withering trees,
near grey.
the brown dead leaves,
matting the earth floor,
heaps
of paper mache.
all color gone.
it's the browning of nearly
everything, once
green, once fresh
and new. a world of unlove.
the mood,
forlorn.

not so intelligent design

I meet my friend jimmy over at the local
Fridays for lunch and we start to have
a deep discussion on evolution versus
creationism.
first we get an order of onion rings
for the table and a couple of beers.

it's the big bang, dude, he says to me,
making his eyes go wide, staring at me
like i'm a moron.
there was this big explosion, boom.
he spreads his hands apart and shakes them.

that's how it all got started, then
lighting hit a puddle of mud and water,
and voila,
that's where we came from. don't you
ever watch carl sagan, or listen to
that real smart guy who uses that robotic
voice thing?

So, fish, birds, apes, men, women, rhinos
and chickens? I ask him. everything
came out of that one single puddle?
just like that?
hell yeah, he says, dipping an onion ring
into some ketchup.

we all came out of the same puddle, me
you, the waitress, like where is she,
i'm starving here. Michelangelo, Einstein,
Madonna, everyone came out of that
big pile of goo, after it was hit by
a bolt of lightning.

Madonna? I say. Never mind.
come on now. and who made the lightning?
the earth, stars, the universe?

what about trees, and plants, fruits
and vegetables, insects. microbes.
there seems to be some sort of intelligent
design going on here. don't you think?
there seems to be an order to life,
a set of scientific laws that are immutable.

huh? he says, and grabs another onion ring,
so look, here's the deal, Darwin,
you know who Darwin is right?
white beard, kind of creepy looking guy
and all that, well, he
said it in his book, you got your puddle and
lighting, then bam, lighting strikes the goo.
the goo gets stirred up with electricity
then a few billion years
go by and voila.
fish, birds, monkeys, apes and then us.
next thing you know, here we are
having lunch.

he snaps his fingers at the waitress,
hey hon, he says, two more beers here
and a plate of ribs and slaw.
you? same, I tell her. same thing.

okay, she says. got it.
she walks away while jimmy shakes his head
looking at a tattoo
of a butterfly on her leg.
hey, he says, i'm thinking
about giving her my number.
she's kind of cute, don't you think.
girls with tattoos are on the crazy side.
I like that.

ummm, yes. she is cute,
but she might be twenty three
at the most, you're fifty two.
fifty one, he corrects me. but I
feel a lot younger, ya know.

okay, so where were we, he says. you
know I got an uncle that sort
of reminds of a gorilla. uncle Max.
I think I have a picture of him
in my phone. this dude looks
just like an ape, but without
all the hair. he looks just like
that guy in the evolution time line.
Here, take a look.
is he from the Bronze age, or what?

the honey jar

you can get lost
in an amber jar of honey.

holding it just so in the morning
light.

a world unto itself.
the thick
wobble of it all.

the color, the way it
slowly
goes
from side to side,

majestically thick.

a bee's life and work
caught inside.

and when opened, touched
with a finger,
then taken to your lips

you go even further into
that world,

a place that wonderfully
exists.

radio preaching

i listen
to the radio preacher for a short
spell
in the car. driving
somewhere,
the wipers slapping hard
against the glass.
he's going on about abortion.
the deaths
of millions of babies
since that law
was passed.
it's a hard topic, a hard subject
to deal with,
to digest.
we take a life, to save a life?
i don't know.
he talks about remorse, regret,
sin and salvation.
i break out into a cold
guilt filled sweat.
after a while i switch channels.
then again
then again,
and finally turn it off and listen
to music
of the rain
instead.

the bloom is lost

she closes herself
as petals
do on a rose
in darkness,
she needs light
and air
and water to keep
who she thinks she is
alive.
the admiration of others.
but the dirt is cold
she sleeps
in. her shallow breath
a desperate
effort to be relevant.
the weeds are at her
feet,
she's stuck, she's awake,
she's asleep.
the bloom is lost.

sugar is the devil

I talk to my nutritionist,
Shirley,
no relation to hazel,
Shirley Booth, but she knows
her business
just the same.

you need to cut out all
sugars, she tells me.
all carbs,
no meat, no fish.
but sugar is the devil.

hmmm, I say. shaking my
head.
sugar is the devil?
I thought joel osteen was
the devil.

well, yeah, she says, him
and his cupcake wife
are both demons in disguise,
but we're talking about
food right now,

not prosperity preachers
who really don't believe
the bible to begin with

and live an opulent life
style, pretending to be holy.

okay okay. I can cut out
sugar. it's going to be hard,
but i'll give it a shot.

what about a donut once in a while?
no.
no sugar.

lost in the woods

you wonder if you could survive
in the wilderness

with nothing, no food, no water, no map,
no knife, or axe.

no coffee.

could you rub two sticks together
and build a fire.

kill an animal and make a jacket
out of the skin,

eat the rest.
would you know which plants
to chew on.

what pond of water is safe
enough to drink.

could you follow the stars
for direction, or know the basics

about slapping together some
limbs and branches to make a shelter?

probably not. clueless, you'd
be dead in a few days.

so you start yelling as loud as
you can for help.

the dream inside the dream

as I stand here shivering
in the falling
snow
waiting for the bus,
I think about my life
and how it's come to this.
being cold and alone,
my shoes soaked.
my body shaking to the bone.
a few dollars in
my pocket, going nowhere.
just catching a bus
to get off the street
and get out of the cold.
but it's only a dream,
and I wake up
and look next to me
at my mail order bride
from Russia, natasha,
curled up tight on the pull
out bed in our trailer
in west virginia,
and I realize
how lucky I am.
outside, hanging on
the window I see a raccoon.
looking in, so I throw
a shoe at him,
and go back to sleep.
it's hard to tell what's
a dream and what
isn't anymore.

jesse james on the high seas

we want you to paint our house
the email says.
having found me on some site
like yelp

or angie's list, or some other
hackable advertising site.

he's a mysterious stranger who lives at some
undisclosed location,

who says he's on a ship at sea in the north
atlantic

making it impossible to talk by
phone.

what's the address, I ask for
the third time. what exactly do you
want done?

colors, etc. inside, outside? I can
meet you there tomorrow.

no reply.
I want to deposit the payment
into your bank account, he writes.

and when it clears, you can
begin work.

no name, no address, no scope of
the job. nothing, just give me
your bank account number.

another jesse james on the high seas.

baby steps

we talk of baby steps,

but what baby can actually walk?
few
in the first year.

it's mostly a long crawl
anywhere
across a room.

not to mention the crying,
and drool.

that's more of what we do
at first
when the time to leave
is past due.

we crawl
out of the muck,
but in time
we rise to our feet.

we grow in truth,

no longer crawling but
running as fast and hard

and as far away
as one can get from you.

The Mistress Gets Everything

we use the word so carelessly.
love.
I love you the boy says
to the girl.

but does he mean it.
or does he just want to make
to love
her.

does the bouquet of flowers,
the card,
the poem,
the heart carved in a tree
say more?

perhaps. or maybe it's done
out of fear, out of having
no self
love,

from some deep parental lack.
hoping to not lose
their prey,
they try harder.

it's why the man gives so much
time and affection
to the mistress
while the wife at home,

gets less, crumbs, if anything
at all.

she's already taken,
her life is just another day.

the later wins out

many days
are caves that we live in.

holding the canary in the cage
to see
where air
is or isn't.

we take our torch and go
forward.
pick and axe in hand.

helmet secured. striking at
the walls around us.

will there we a diamond
in the black stone of this hard

mountain, or will we bring
back just enough

to go home, to eat, to be
with the ones we love, or
don't love,

and start again tomorrow.

the later seems to win
out for most.

we bargain

we bargain,
we haggle and squabble
with ourselves
over what to eat, what to spend,
who
to be with,
deciding how the day
begins, how the day
ends.
we choose which book
to put into our hands,
which words will tumble
out of our mouths
into phones, or
through cracked doors,
when knocked upon.
we decide
whose lips to kiss, if
such an option
does exist.
what memory
to revisit, in what
chair we will sit
to ponder all of this.

time forward

one would like to think
of time
as moving forward, as if
the past
could be left behind, but
not so.
we tend to drag
with us,
the dead, the lost,
the loved ones born
into our hearts a long
time ago.
it's movement to be sure,
but not towards
some clearing,
some peaceful field,
but to a smaller place,
darker and haunted,
stacked and crammed
with all
that we once feared.

what's new

what's new,
she says, nothing I tell her.
same old.
and you,
me too.
still with what's her name?
no,
she flew the coop.
yeah, mine
too.
seems to be going around.
so true.
well, nice catching up.
yeah.
have a good day.
ok, same to you.

promises

the check is in the mail.

it'll be there on time.
I promise.

cross my heart, hope to die.

till death do us part.
in sickness and in health.

honest.
I sent the check yesterday.

you should have it by tomorrow.
if not
call me.

i'll send another. you know
i'd never
let you down.

what war?

did you hear
we might be going to war,
no,
I've been busy, what up with that.
I hope
it doesn't interfere with
my ski trip,
I've been planning for it all year.
no,
it's over there, the usual, bombs
and rockets.
tanks, guns, people dying,
so tired of it in the papers
and online all
the time. war war war.
skiing sounds like fun.
you should be good, where are
you going?
Vale?
great, great, some nice lodges
up there.
good food and drinks too.
yeah, I just bought a whole new ski
outfit too, and boots.
white with red and blue stripes.
sort of like the flag.
oh, how cool.

the tantrum

when I refused to buy
my son at the age of four
or five,
some toy, or magazine full of
comic book
super heroes, seeing that
he had more
than he could carry, he went
crazy for a few minutes.
turning red,
screaming, begging for
what he wanted. so I picked
him up in the store,
to settle him down, and he
looked at me and said,
dad, I love you, but i'm
mad at you right now.
it almost worked.

it's not love if you feel like this

in the cold,
hands deep into the wells
of my
coat pockets, I stand,
stamping my feet
and wait
for the subway train
to arrive.
I haven't been to the zoo
in some time.
although
I lived in one
for a couple of years.
but now
I just want to see what it's
like,
behind cages and bars,
with me on
the other side,
looking in, not out,
as prisoners do.

Your Honor, I object

I've been studying the law
for some time now
and feel that i'm ready to take
the bar exam.

most of my education though
has been through
television and an assortment of
movies,

like to kill a mockingbird,
or the verdict,
my cousin vinny, not to mention
perry mason,
judge judy
and divorce court.

I've had some hands on experience
there.

sometimes, I yell out, I object,
your honor
when in an argument with someone
I disagree with, an angry ex wife,
or when a surly friend rambles
on about something
making no sense whatsoever.

where were you on the night of...
I might say, or
isn't it true that you need glasses
when you drive?

or

isn't it true you were having an
affair with the deceased,
and that you work for a cement
company
down by the river where the body
was discovered
tied to a bucket of hardened
cement? well?

remember you're under oath!

may I approach the bench your honor?

ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I stand here...etc. blah blah blah.

I've seen enough legalese,
and depositions in
my life time to
write up a will, or a divorce
decree. piece of cake.

sign here, initial here,
repeat over and over with
each new triple spaced page.

how to end a relationship

I want to see what I can't see.

hear what I can't hear, know what I don't
know.

I want the light on.
I want to know what's on your mind,

inside your heart.
I want the truth, not
the dark.

I no longer want to wonder
what's a lie,
and what isn't.

can you stop pretending to be
what you aren't

and be real for once in your
life?

perfectionists

some people are perfectionists.

it's a stressful life.
the thread, the lint, the scuff
of shoe.

a zipper that refuses to pull.
the day
is ruined so easily,

by ice, or rain.
how quickly it all goes south,
that feeling
that everything is ok,
slides down
the drain,

when the tire goes flat,
when
the call is late,

when the stocking runs, or the
heel breaks. one single strand
of hair,

out of place.
the roots going grey,
the unmade bed, forgotten
on the way to work. all terrible
things,

imperfect, to the point
that life is killing them.

reassamble

when the sun slips
into view, the world reassembles
to what it
was before it set.

we are no different.
rising
each day to make right
whatever life

we choose. putting things
in order.

fixing what we regret.

women love babies

women love babies.
whether it's theirs or belongs
to someone else.

grandbabies. babies of all color.
the smaller, the fresher
right out of the oven

they go crazy over them.

they see a baby and they scream
like a seagull

finding a sardine
on the beach.

they gather around the new born
baby

and lean into the crib or stroller
and wheeze
like air
leaving a punctured balloon.

women love babies,
they poke, and hold,
pinch their fat little cheeks,
kiss and cajole, they can't
get enough of them,

while men
nod at one another and stare,
and think things like, yeah.

I made that, that kid over there.
the one they're passing around.
that's mine.

when the world went cold

she used to love
the snow, before she moved south
to the keys.

come over she'd say.
bring
snacks, bring drinks, bring lips.

come to me,
before the roads are thick
with it.

before the ice forms.
before
I fall asleep. hurry, she'd
say.

I miss you.

but looking back I think it was
the snow
that made her
like that,
not me. her attempt at staying
warm
when the world went cold.

fish on ice

the fish,
silver stripes,
on ice,
still glimmering
in
made beauty,
the fluorescent lights
upon them.
lying still with
black eyes.
marked for sale.
how they once swam
splitting the water
with ease.
never knowing that this
future
lie before them.
no different from
them are we, perhaps.

You May Need Some Gum Work

what about tomorrow
at 7 a.m.
the dental receptionist says,
trying to fill
her January calendar.
x-rays, cleaning?

I just had a cleaning a few
weeks ago.

june, she says. and no x-rays.

but my teeth are good.
haven't had a tooth ache
in forty years.

7 a.m.? she says again.
the doctor says you really need
to get in here.

she wants to talk to you about
your gums.

my gums?
yes, she says she can transfer
skin from other places and reinforce
your gums.

we can do a seven step skin graft.
you're getting long in the tooth.

I almost tell her to jump in a lake,
or something to that effect, but
instead say,

sounds expensive.

I go the mirror and look at my gums.
they look nice and pink.
perfectly fine.

okay, i'll be in tomorrow at 7,
but no gum work.

just a nice cleaning.
okay. it's your mouth, she says.

7 sharp, don't be late.

the interior decorator

he had a full length black
bear coat
that fell to the floor.

and wore a ring on each finger.
one more gaudy than
the next.

he knew his colors, his
style.
louis the 14th, Versace to Oscar
Wilde.

let's go out,
me and you,
he said with a seductive wink.

let's get happy at happy hour.

i'm sorry I told him, but I
don't roll
that way.

plus the fact that I have a kid
and I'm happily married
she's got a pot roast
in the oven
waiting for me.

you don't know until you try it
he insisted.

his lisp more pronounced
with each sip of drink.

no. I told. I know. I've known
since the age of five.

back when natalie wood was alive.

object dissonance

what to keep, or throw away,
is not always easy.

how many shoes can
one person
own
and not use,
stacked in a closet

full, books, rakes, tools.
and that
machine to wash the house,

what year was that ever used.
some people keep
everything.

giving a value to each.
attaching to it some memory
ticket.

holding on for dear life
to what it meant,
fearing its absence
would be the end of things.

as if it never happened.

she had his guitar, his book,
his pictures
all within hands reach.

her son's first diaper
stuck in a large baggie.

a ribbon or bow. photographs
by the hundreds.
a patch for his eye, a book marker
signed.

a magazine he scribbled
on. a pen from
a hotel in St. Pete.
a hair brush. a glass
from some island. a half
empty bottle of

a soured red wine.
his voice mails. full of pain
and tears.
she loved that the most.

without exception

in all honesty
there is very little complete
telling
of the truth of who
we are.

who comes clean fully?
we all
have secrets,

whether in love, or money,
sex
or what we think

about her or him.
we cower in the shadows
in prayer,

that no one ever finds out
completely

what stirs within.

in all honesty,
we lie, we deceive,
without exception,

we pretend.

the math of love

what is the math
of love.

the equation, the formula
that makes
it work.

what numbers should we use.
how can we and subtract
divide
or multiply in order to
arrive

at the right answer.
it's not simple math
by any stretch
of the imagination.

it's almost unknown, but
you know
when you finally get there.

when the equation is solved.
then you put the chalk
away, hold her and try
to never let her go.

peace and love

it wasn't really peace and love.

the sixties.
it's a myth.

the drugs, the music.
the concerts. the revolution
never happened.

it was mostly a mess. the runaways.
the homeless.
the mud. the overdoses.

the disease, the free clinics.
the addicts.

but we sweep all of it away, and pretend
that those years

were some sort of Shangri la.
hardly.

it was an age of assassinations.
LSD.
Nixon.

Vietnam. women's rights. civil rights.
gay rights.
everyone was on the street.

marching with a sign over something.

but it wasn't really peace and love.
it was a crazy time

painted in day glow colors. long hair.
free love, not really.

nothing is free. the sixties
never happened like
you see it in the movies,

or on tv. it's a myth.

when the well runs dry

you see it in the dying man's
eyes.
some semblance of hope,
believing this is just temporary.
i'll be out of here
in no time, back to work.

you see in your parents eyes.
the love for their children, they'll
be alright.

give them time. given them schooling.
money.

it was in my mother's eyes as she stared
out the bare
kitchen window on a Friday night.

he'll be home soon.
he'll be home soon.

it was in our eyes on Christmas eve.

it's in the eyes of those in church.
those in the unemployment line.

the drug addict in rehab.

in the beggars' eyes on the corner
as the next car arrives.

it's in the eyes of single people,
clicking
endlessly online.

the waitress pouring coffee at three
in the morning.

the janitor mopping halls.

you see it in the eyes of men
coming out of a coal mine, their blue
eyes surrounded
by black.

everyone hoping there is a better life.

there's hope every where you
look.

it's in the eyes of husbands and wives,
hoping
that somehow love
will return, just wait, pray,
be patient, it will arrive.

hope.
the elixir that keeps us going
until that well
runs dry.

the river of time

how time is swift
from start to finish.

a powerful force moving on.

the first kiss, the first time
you make
love.

the first movie together.
meals.

walks, hand in hand through
the parks.

the first time at the beach.
the waves upon
our feet.

the collection of moons we
photographed and sent, saying

can you see it from where you are.

the cards and letters, the texts.
the long talks
into the cold nights when
winter kept us home.

birthdays, Christmas.
so much of life became our own.

but how swiftly time moves on
and things end,

to never see or hear from this
love again.

still life

it's a simple wooden
bowl
holding fruit. an orange
and apple,
grapes.
it sits on the table
under a bright light,
across from
her easel and chair.
how easily she takes her
hand
and dips the brush into paint.
the canvas
is her home.
and soon, without a word
an empty world
is full, what's in her
eye is born.

imaginary musing

there are days
when you miss someone.
miss them dearly.
you forget all the pain and agony
they brought into your
life.
you miss the imaginary
person
they pretended to be.
not who they really were.
a mirage.
it's hardly different from
missing true love.
or so they say.

i'm there too

I hear the whistle of the train
as it crosses
the trestle, no more than a mile
or two
from where I sit.

through the woods, across a narrow
stream.
I imagine the lives
within the cars, leaning

onto the windows, cold,
mirroring the pelting
rain.
so far from home,
from loved ones.

needing rest and food,
affection
and comfort. on the rails again.

i'm there too.

coup de foudre

is there such a thing as love
at first sight,

the bolt of lighting when
catching someone's eye?

the coup de foudre.

a brush of luck or destiny,
call it chance.

two strangers in the night.

who's to know, but it happens,
that gut feeling

of immediate attraction,
the longing

for romance.

it's happened once or twice,
in my life,
but in the end.

it was not unlike a bottle
of champagne

popped and drank,
full of fizz and fun,

but
then once the bubbles
were gone, the love

went flat. we were done.

dating criteria

i get an email from a woman
on venus,
another from
france,
one from mars, two from
a woman
in New Zealand.
despite my narrowed
profile criteria.
the dating site,
Disharmony, has expanded
my search for
the next love of my
life.
looks, distance
apparently don't matter.
height, weight,
direction of eyes.
green skin,
two heads, smoke like
a chimney,
never been
to school, no problem.
illiterate and medicated,
go for it.
they just winked, or liked,
or viewed you.
they've lowered my standards
to the nth degree.
(or maybe lowered theirs)
incarceration,
no teeth. devil worshiping
women with
six kids and a husband
living in the basement.
why not, they say,
give them a chance.
they all have good hearts,
good intentions.
give it a shot, get off
the street.

give me one of those

i pick up some indian
food,
carry away
from the local new restaurant
next to dominos.
a bag of what, i don't know.

i just point at a line
on the menu

and say one of those,

but it gets the best of me.
it's a long dark night
of sweating,

and prayer
on the cold bathroom
floor.
i have to stick with what
i know.

she did a dance

she did a dance once.
throwing her arms into the air,

tossing her black mane
of hair around
her shoulders.

alone.
in the living room.
her music on.

don't move she said.
sit there and enjoy the show.

she was limber,
and moved in a fluid enticing
flow.

full of drink, tipsy
to the point of falling over

I told her enough.
no more,

but she insisted and danced
until she
fell upon the floor.

two hours later,
gently
I knocked on the bathroom
door.

in a minute she said.
in a minute,
i'll dance
some more.

not sleeping

at night, not sleeping.
wide eyed in the dark

i pondered the shadowed
ceiling, staring at
a quiet fan in spin

bringing some relief
to summers thickened heat.
I wondered

what she was thinking.
asleep or not, a foot
apart, but in retrospect
a thousand miles

between us.
then I realized that all
my thoughts were
trained on her, while

hers were elsewhere,
on someone else.
which in the end made
it reasonable and easy

to abandon a ship that
was listing, and sinking
quickly to darker sand.

this might hurt a little

every now and then I go in
to the dermatologist to have her
freeze or scrape off
a bump, or blemish, or something
she looks at with
raised eyebrows and an oh my
grimace on her face.
she yanks out this gizmo
cannister, which I prefer over
the scalpel, and pulls the trigger
at the top of my head. a blast of
freezing cold chemically induced air,
pulverizes
the suspicious spot.
where can I get one of those,
I ask her. amazon?
no, she says, laughing. you
have to go to med school first
and get a white smock, like
mine with your name on it.
get an office, blah blah blah.
you're no fun, I tell her.
shut up she says and roll over.
take your shirt off, I have
work to do. you really like the sun,
don't you, she says,
as I feel the blast of cold air
hit my skin.

only two channels

half the time the radio
didn't work.
and when it did you could only
get a few
am
stations on the wobbly
dial.
the Spanish channel,
or the religious channel.
I listened to both
from time to time, getting
equal amounts
of information.
the religious channel
seemed broke, they were always
asking for money
before each preacher began
his sermon,
the call in shows, send
money, send money, we
can't stay on the air
if you don't send money.
if you want your crops to grow
send a check.
if you want your wife back,
send a check.
if you want your kidneys
to work again,
send an envelope full of
cash.
they seemed to have a deal
with God. a
quid pro quo sort of thing.
you give us your hard earned
money and we'll get on the line
with the almighty and take
care of your problems.
I almost sent in a few bucks
after I caught my wife
with her married boyfriend
again, but got lunch instead
and met this wonderful
waitress from Sperryville.
the lord works in mysterious
ways.

a rough night

there was the time he showed
up,
still drunk,
for work.
8 a.m.
shaky. red faced.
a new black eye blooming
on one side.
he trembled as he lifted
his 7 11 coffee to his lips.
you ok,
I asked him, as he
looked bleary eyed
from the truck
to the house
where the ladders and
buckets sat.
yeah, he said, lighting
a cigarette.
no ladder work today, I told
him
as he slunk
behind the wall, sleeping
it off in the warm
sun for half
the day.

what to eat

if you want to get a splitting headache
in like a new York minute
start looking up what's healthy to eat
on youtube.
within ten minutes you'll find
that meat is good for you.
that meat is bad for you.
eggs are the devil. eggs are good.
lettuce will kill you.
avocados are full of fat.
coffee is bad. salt and sugar, evil.
too much fruit, too little fruit.
no milk, no dairy, no gluten.
no pasta, no bread, no fish
full of mercury. sardines
and anchovies, yes. but not
in oil. no glucose, or syrup,
or candy,or cake. nothing in a bag,
or a box, or a barrel
you only feel safe
with celery, or parsley.
raw vegetables and all the while
I look at my ninety-two year
old father smoking a cigar
and eating a steak.

what are the reasons

is it timing.
is it good luck or bad,
fate
or an act of divine intervention,
or divine apathy
that keeps, or throws
us off track.
is God playing dice with
the universe,
despite Einstein's
pondering?
is anything set in stone.
is the future
ever known? what are
the reasons for
the ones we love,
the ones we let go?

becoming known

as children we put our ears
to a glass
and held it to the wall
to listen to the neighbors fight
and curse one another.

they hardly made a sound
outside their walls,
church going and proper,
the yard a fine trimmed
lawn, a car that shined,
but now
at night,

they'd go at it, with pots
and pans,
breakables thrown,
uttering words we rarely
heard, becoming known.

this will not last

we pause, we sigh,
we wait at the light
as the motorcade
slowly slides by
led by the black hearse.
the drizzle of rain,
the drizzle
of time. so many go quickly,
though most prefer
an easier way
and slowly die.
who knows?
but we wait
and let the line pass.
lights on in single
file.
our turn will come.
be patient,
this will not last.

buying flowers

we haven't seen you in a while
the florist says
as I stop in to smell
the roses.

ah, yes, I respond, it has been
a fortnight or more, hasn't it,
perhaps longer
since I last
bought a hurried bouquet
of roses, or an orchid, or
daffodil.

things change, I say softly,
studying the garden under
lights and glass. I actually
enjoy flowers more these days
when I purchase them.

but I buy them not with a note
of apology, or heart felt
poem attached. trying to soothe
or buy a love back.

it's different now, I buy them
for me,
for my own pleasure, my own
home, no longer for someone
I once held dear, no longer
for someone that took me
so often to task.

were you ever in the military?

were you ever in the military
the woman asks
as she fill out my form at
the social security office.
she looks up at
the top of my head,
at the shorn locks
down to a fine bristle.
nope. I say.
just the cub scouts when I
was in the second grade.
but I hated it. the uniforms.
the rules and regulations.
someone always above you
giving orders, telling
you to tie a knot,
no not that knot,
I want square knot.
or being forced to study
which plant was
poison ivy and which plant
wasn't. leaves of three,
let em be, leaves of four,
eat some more.
it drove me crazy
all that discipline, so
I went awol, tossed my
little blue hat, my red
scarf, shirt and pants,
and waddled away,
down the creek
so that I couldn't be tracked.
so, you're answer is no,
the woman at the counter says,
looking up from her
computer screen. yes, I mean
yes my answer is no.
not really. just the cub
scouts, like I was saying.

the ant farm

there are days when you don't
really want to talk with anyone,
socialize or interact in any way.
you just want to watch, observe.
study what's going around you.
look at people in a scientist
kind of way. like having an ant
farm, and checking it out from
time to time, to see what the deal is.
if there are any new tunnels.
watching them carry bread crumbs
down into their caves. they all
seem to have a plan of some sort.
without so much as a wiggle of
their antennae they get
whatever the heck they're doing
done.

the Harley couple

I pull up next to a Harley
at the light
and look over. a little American
flag is stuck on the back.
he's a beefy guy with
a grey mustache circa 1979
and a squirrel like pony
tail hanging out the back
of his helmet.
his belly hangs out from
his unzipped leather Harley jacket
touching the front handle bars.
his babe is on board behind him.
with her dark glass helmet on,
she looks 25, skinny with long blonde
hair, but when she takes her
helmet off to talk with
her man, she could be 70 or
older with a deep well
grooved tan. they look over
at me, looking at them, and
I give them the thumbs up.
he revs the bike as loud
as he can and gives me a wide
smile. a smile that says,
ain't it lucky to be me.
she winks and slides
her helmet back on.
wiggling her waif like torso
towards him in a snug hug.
off they go into the sunset
with a rumble and roar.
it's wonderful to be in love.

they tell you who they are

you can't change people.

you can't reweave the fabric
of their soul.

dark stays dark and light stays light.

for better or worse.
it's in the blood, the core.
the heart.

once you realize that, you move on.
it's pointless
and exhausting to do otherwise.

life is way too precious to be
with the wrong person.

they will tell you who they are.
don't look back.
just go.

time to go

no need to get up,
I say.
pulling at my collar.

i'm just passing through.

just going to the other
side of the room.

to look out the window
the one with
the view.

don't get up, don't move.
i'm fine.

so nice to see you,
and you and you.

is that the exit sign?

failure to communicate

she was fluent in several languages.

and yet, we couldn't
communicate.

she'd stare blankly at me, without
so much
a word, or shrug, or grimace,
or smile
upon her face. the eyes were dead.

she was a hard read.
but her actions spoke loudly.

I still feel the impact of
her screams.

harvest

too early to rise,
and yet
you're up and on the road.

work.

you harvest the field when
it's ready.

the world tells you
when it's time to go.

so you go.

dry clean only

the new sweater,
slipped into the mix and mash
of clothes
being washed
has shrunken down
to almost nothing.
it might fit a small
thin child now. tightly.
I hold it up, out of the dryer,
warm and soft,
I try to stretch it,
tugging at the sleeves,
the collar, but
nope, it's done. game
over for this sweater.
I peel back the label
hidden underneath.
dry clean only.
damn the small print.

tofu ribeye

i try to mold some tofu
into the shape

of a rib eye steak. i throw some
onions into
the pan, mushrooms.

a smidgen of olive oil.

but it's not working.
where's the grease, the splatter,

the scent of charred meat
that I've been
eating since two.

steak was at the top of the food
pyramid when i was in
school

right below that was butter
and milk.

white bread,
ice cream and cake.

now a soy bean is king.
sitting
in its slender green jacket,
smirking at us all
as we try to make do.

flying on her broom

I knew there were skeletons
in
her closet.

I just didn't know how many,
and how
many of them

still had flesh on their bones
and were
texting her night and day.

it was Halloween year round.
lots of
creaking floors,

closet doors closed,
secrets unburied
in so many tombs.

I lost count of her
left over lovers, the shadows
in the yard

that she'd meet at the park,
flying on her broom.

how love was

the running sky above,
seems impatient,
trying to get to where
it needs go
before nightfall.

wrapped loosely
in garlands of pink,
a tangled ribbon of blues.
nowhere is there
a sun to see.

it's below us now, but
the clouds go swiftly
in the remaining light,
as we gaze in wonder,

and watch as if for
the first time, this
earthly magic,
like how love was
between me and you.

Men

when I see the aged men
in long coats,
the cross hatched stitches
of life and stress
upon their faces,
grey and smoking, legs crossed
on the benches in
central park, glancing at the young
women running by, I can't help
but think that
it's a blessing and a curse,
this drive,
this sensuality
that appears
in early boyhood, and goes on
into the years,
even now, hardly a day
passes without
giving it thought. does
the world
truly revolve around this?
there's a strange almost
insatiable
urge
to be in love, to have
intimacy.
men wear it on their sleeves,
it's in their eyes,
it's coded in the language
of their smile.
it's primitive in a way,
a craving, an appetite
for the opposite.
you wonder when, or if it
will ever wane.

black and white

nothing is black or white,
despite
the notion that it could be.

so much of life is between
the lines.

the small print of us.

all are not
evil, or good, just human.

there are shades of light.
swipes of black, or shadow.

but if love appears,
a glorious rainbow
of color makes so much doubt,

so much of the darkness
disappear,
and turn to white.

but no more, please

we used to fight a lot.
bicker all the time,
then there'd be sulking

and the silent treatment.

i'd come home from work
and she'd be happy
for a while, but
the house would be a mess.

I was hungry, she was hungry.
she wanted to go for a walk,
or sit on the couch
and stare out the window
at the swaying trees.

she wouldn't leave me alone,
always pulling at the chain.
needing constant attention,
always in my lap
when I tried to read or
write a poem.

how she'd sit up and beg.

she wanted to watch tv
together, or curl up next
to me in bed,
pulling at the blankets
and sheets. taking my
favorite pillow for her own.

she drooled a lot too.
and had fleas, and would drag
things into the house

that were disgusting.
her barking was endless.
each trip to the vet would
empty my wallet.
she was a great dog, I miss
her,
but no more, please.

no christmas card this year

I used to get more Christmas
cards
than I did this year.

the box was full of red envelopes
with little
santa claus stamps
stuck on the corner.

I go through the list
to see who has dissed me in such

a despicable way
this holiday season.

ex wives ex girlfriends.
siblings. not a peep out of any
of them. not a card, or a cookie
baked.

the ex in-laws, nada.
the sister, nothing.
the son, the brother in law.
zippo.

and I was almost friends with
these people.

in the past all the cards were
signed, with love and best
wishes for the holiday season,
so and so.

but I guess the love is gone,
or maybe it was temporary,
or not at all. oh well.

it's a shame.

which diet to choose from

I peruse the new diets,
trying to lose a little weight before
spring.
not that i'm going to be prancing
around on the beach
in a speedo, or anything.
but just to drop a few pounds
for health, to be lighter on my
feet for those long nights
out dancing. that's a joke.
but there are so many diets
to choose from.
the all chicken diet.
the poultry only diet, anything
with wings that can't fly.
all meat, which entails all
four legged animals, too slow
to run away from the butcher.
just plants.
the botanical garden diet.
just fish, just water and bread.
the Alcatraz diet, it's called.
the jungle diet. snakes and bugs,
with an occasional rhino sandwich.
the island diet. berries, nuts,
bananas and mangos,
with a coconut milk chaser.
the city diet, which is my favorite
pizza, bagels with cream cheese,
pretzels and steak subs
all washed down with a big gulp.
then there's the grandpa diet,
for those without teeth.
oatmeal, soups and grilled cheese.
jello with cool whip.
then there's the lost in the woods
in west virginia diet.
squirrel stew, raccoon brisket,
and pan fried field mice.
basically road kill.
it's a toss up, not sure which
way i'll go, but it's time
to think about nutrition
and health to get the new
year started.

end of the reel

the beauty of time and distance,
no contact
is that you wake up one
morning completely free.
hardly a thought passes by
about someone.
they're gone, almost as if
it never happened, as if
they never existed except
in some old movie that you saw.
it's the end of the reel.
story over, done, fini.
all gone.

skin and bones

some need the shine,
the glimmer
and glam, the bling
of life.
the four star meal,
the four star room,
those jimmy choo
heels. the prada bag,
the gucchi coat.
some need paris,
or rome.
a luxury liner.
a gold phone. some need
a mansion a Mercedes,
a ranch, a cabin,
a beach front home.
the black card, diamonds,
the driver, the maid,
the butler.
some need the attention,
the admiration to prove
their worth,
to yell out, this is where
I've been, this is what
I own, but in the end.
without love, without
compassion, we're
empty,
we're all just skin
and bones.

A Flock of Geese

I see a flock of geese flying overhead
in a v formation.

thirty or forty of them.
I can hear them talking in their bark
like way.

what are we doing, the second one on
the left says
to the one behind him.

what do you mean what are we doing?

are we really flying south
for the winter?

seems silly. it's not even cold
out. maybe we should just go halfway
this year with global warming
and all.

the other one shrugs. I don't know.
i'm just going because I have
a friend in palm springs.

he's got extra room in a nest
on a golf course. says I can stay there
no problem.

the golf course is covered in
pieces of bagels
and cream cheese. loxs
and civilta fish. these people
take a bite and throw
it away. oy vey.

what do you mean exactly by these
people?

nothing, nothing. i'm just saying
you don't have to worry about looking
for worms down there.

I just don't see the point anymore.
we haven't had snow
or ice in ages.

i'm not as young as I used to be.
I've only go so many
miles left on these wings.
look at my feathers, do these
look like the feathers of a young bird?

you know
my uncle Al got hit by a drone last
year doing this, a younger goose in the third
row says. true story.

maybe we should go
part of the way this year,
the one says,
like stop in Charleston,
and check the long range weather
forecast. find a deli.

ahh, quit your kvetching, and
start flapping those wings
instead of your beak. we're
halfway there.

the light is everywhere

I tell my therapist,
to take the sharpest knife
out of her educated
drawer and start cutting.

slice me to the bone.
eviscerate my soul.

I know it's going to hurt
more than
any pain I've ever known,

but please, for the sake
of sanity, for the life of me,
begin, let's get to the bottom
of why

I've made the same mistake
over and over.

seeking the most chaotic and sick
individuals to fall in love with,

the incurable narcissists.

so she does. okay, she says.
here we go.

I scream, I cry, I bend over
like a child
and let it all out. I weep my
heart out.

but in the end I get it.

i truly see the cause, I see the origin
of all lies.

hello father.

it isn't just a light at the end
of a tunnel.

the light is everywhere.

the empty house

the empty house
with its darkened windows,
the unkept yard,
is for sale.
a yellow sign bends in the wind.
I stop for a moment
to look.
a family lived there once.
two children.
a dog. a husband
and wife.
never friends, but we waved
as time
went by.
rarely saying a word to one
another.
but still, they were familiar
to me,
as I to them.
it's sad in a simple way,
how easily they've slipped
away unnoticed,
the way a light
rain might fall when
expecting sun.

if it snows

survival
used to be on my mind.
the dollar made,
the dollar saved.

each bill waiting on the desk
to be paid.
tomorrow, or the next day.

keeping the home fire burning,

but it's different now.
the hunting has slowed.

the cupboards are full.

there's no more holding my
hands over
the hot stove,

sharpening a stick to go out
to kill something,
or
waiting for the phone ring.

there's no worry,
no wondering about the roads
if it snows.

no doubt

it's not funny at all,
but
it's hard not to laugh at it
with so
much time and water
under
the clock
and bridge, passed.
soul mate.
cell mate.
oh well. better to be alone
without
then to be alone with.
no doubt.

taking out the hammer

i see that metal
will not burn and melt down quite
so easily.

so once the fire dies,

full of cards
and photos, clothes,
ribbons and bows,
books and other
sentimental
things that no longer
have value,

i pluck out the thick ring
and hold it warm in my hand.

hardly scarred, or worn.
not a nick
or graze upon it.

this calls for a hammer.
which is what
i do.

the same story

our stories match
to a certain degree.

so many do when hearts are tied
to

darkness.
lovers who were liars.

she said, I cried my make up off
so many times.

came unglued. she tells me
her story.

then mine. but we both have tired
of it. it's not ancient history
quite yet.

but give it time.
it will become a tale told
in the third person.

in the field with birds

in looking back.

I see the scarecrow
in the field, hung upright among
the stalks

of endless corn.
the straw hair,

the long face, made up.
in clothes
once worn to dance in,
perhaps.

bright in color, soft to the touch.

an unpleasant woman, 

set out
on a task
to keep the crows at bay.

the exaggerated lips
and eyes, stitched in black.

arms stretched in cross like
submission.

it reminds of so much.

but she's still at last,
except for
a wavering wind,

that blows between the seams.

crickets

I do hear crickets on
nights like this.

in from the cold, together
or alone.

the tiny snap of their
arms,
the slap of their thin hands.

what's with the noise?
wouldn't it be better to hop
in silence.

safer.
I think that on occasion.

keeping my mouth shut, lying
low,
waiting
for safety.

waiting for better times.

i love the dress

she tells me about
her first husband.

then her second.
finally her third.

she has descriptive
harsh names for each of them.

loser
liar
cheater

in no particular order.

never again, she says, as she flips
through a bridal
magazine.

never again, although I do love
this dress.

being misunderstood

Oscar wilde said that he feared
not being
misunderstood.

I like that.
it says so much about being
different.

not being who they want you to be.

being alive and not one of the masses
heading over
the cliff
in droves.

most art of value, most writing,
most
music

occurs that way. not grey
but a rainbow,
an array of color,

full of joy, full of pain.

a splendid opening of the heart
and mind

outside the box.
against the grain.

the sound of a hammer against a nail

I remember the fallen
horse
in Barcelona, lying on the street.
the wagon
turned over,
the man
with a broken arm, bleeding,
now in our car,
our back seat.
my brother and I in the front
as we sped to
a hospital.
my father in his navy whites
now streaked
in red.
his hands on the wheel,
he looked as scared as we were.
as he turned
the car around, I heard the shot.
the sound of a gun going off.
like the strike of a hammer
on a nail,
and looked back
to the policeman in grey,
his black holster open,
standing over the lifeless horse.
the steam of blood
still in the air.

walk away

you can't help angry
souls.
you can't argue, or agree to
disagree.
it's just best to leave
them alone,
let them be,
let them stew in their
misfortune.
don't let them infect
your healing soul.
they are too sad,
too lonely and hurt.
life has not gone their way,
and most likely never
will. walk away.

again you find your stride

the blue lake
is a beauty, a gem, a coin
shining in
the sun on this perfect first
day of
the year.
it's candy to the eye.
a lover that wants
to be embraced and held
and remembered.
it's why you go, it's
why you return
time after time.
each lap around, each tree
a friend of sorts,
a familiar home.
again you find your stride.

the first day

the kid in front of me at the ABC
store
is happy.
the clerk is in the back
he tells me
breaking a hundred
dollar bill
that he got for Christmas.
happy new year, the kid says,
grinning ear to ear,
oblivious still
to death, disease, divorce
and the rest.
happy new year to you, I tell
him, setting
my bottle of vodka
onto the counter.
so far so good.

bon appetit

you watch a show about meat.

the slaughtering of caged pigs,
chickens, cows and sheep.

you no longer want to eat meat.
you put it onto the list,
along with milk
sugar, eggs, bread
and mercury contaminated fish.

what's left?
you're down to beans.
lettuce.

parsley and leeks.
bon appetit.

closure

she slips a note
through the door, late at night.

I don't hear her,
i'm sound asleep in the floor above.

I find it in the hall
when I arise.

it says nothing,

but is signed at the bottom
with her name.

it's the most
concise and revealing
thing she's every written
to me.

the blank page.

it says everything.
closure.

please don't die

the room is cold.

these old windows made
of glass

and wood, do little to keep
out the wind.

the glare of sunlight flies
in,

but I like them.
circa 1968. it's who I am.

mid century modern.

the computer is sluggish.
so am I.
I offer it coffee, but

it stutters, it's sleepy,
it has no
reply.

my fingers rest on the keyboard.
waiting.
waiting patiently.

please don't die.

in the rear view

the madness is over.

lights are pulled. trees
discarded
still draped in tinsel.

boxes are on the curb. bottles.
bags.

the remnants of holidays
rushed through.

I see a broken heart or two.
on the grass.

love
notes torn. so much unrequited.
so much
in the rear view.

midnight scrabble

we play scrabble long into
the night.

new years comes, it goes.
we say nothing.

I have nowhere to put my q
without a u

but the bag is still full.
I see words

in my sleep. I hear words.
I think about
words

and now with this board
half full
before me,
I have nowhere left to move.

resolutions in reverse

where as some, with the start
of a new day,
a new year, a new decade,
propose a list of things to do,

positive changes to be made,
finding a better way
to live, with more books to read,
losing weight, eating properly.

but after a moment of thought
I prefer to say no to that
and retreat to where
I was before.

going backwards, living my old
life, for that was when
I was happiest. no need for
resolutions, no need to add

a new plan. in fact it's time
to eliminate the dark souls and
things that took me off track,
and go back to the person
I really am.

crossing the bridge

I drive to California
Maryland
crossing over the bridge
from Solomon's island.
it's a narrow crossing,
two lanes going in two
directions.
it arcs high into the blue
grey sky
of December.
I look down into the steel
ribbons of water,
the cork like boats
floating, plowing their
way somewhere.
sails are tight in the wind,
the flags stiff.
I pass over.
eyes straight ahead,
hands on the wheel,
and get to where I've
never been.

imprint of chaos

with ease
you can recall the argument.

the words, as if written
on a sheet a paper

they are in view
line by line.

each flinch of the brow,
narrowing
of the eyes,

each denial and shrug,

is remembered. such are the effects
of betrayal
and lies.

the stamp of chaos is etched
upon your
mind.

the car won't start

i see the man with the hood up
on his car.

his hands are tugging at wires
while his wife
stands nearby
holding jumper cables.
her hair covers her face.

it's cold out.
it's beginning to snow.

the kids in shiny pink
and blue coats
are tugging
at their legs.

they look tired.
he tries the engine.
it whirrs grinds, goes silent.

no luck. they all pile
into the other car,
saying little,

then drive away.

scratching the itch

I have an itch
I used to tell her.

it's in the middle
of my
back, where I can't reach.

(I'd leave out the itch in my heart)

she'd roll her eyes and reach
over with her long nails

and say, where.

here? here? here?
moving her hand from side to side.

there. i'd finally say as she
landed on the exact spot.

there. right there.
dig hard.

and i'd feel
the satisfying
scratch until the itch was gone.

(still no mention of my heart)

everything changes

so much is unclear.

and the new year will do little
to clear
things up.

it's another day
on the calendar, another page
turned.

into another month.
another year.

everything is in flux.
changes
are everywhere.

nothing ever stays the same,
but us.

and us, we're still here.

the airport visit

we go to the airport
to watch people.

the real life drama
of arrivals
and departures.

the tears and hugs, the sweet
farewells
waving until
each is out of sight.

the rush of it all.
the whirlwind
of people moving towards
where they need to go.

the luggage pulled
and carried.

the sound of jets on
the tarmac,in the air,
landing.

there is so much love
and loneness
in the faces, it's hard
to take it all in.

party shrimp

give me a pound of shrimp
I tell the
fish person behind the counter,
who
happens to be a very
short woman
from south east asia.
I can see the top of her head.
what kind?
she yells over the counter.
I look at the rows of shrimp
on ice.
they're from everywhere.
some cooked, some raw
some still in their
little grey shelled
jackets.
it's the ellis island of
shrimp.
I don't know, I tell her.
cooked, no shells
and big.
okay, she says. pulling
out handfuls of shrimp
with her blue gloved hands.
party tonight?
we'll see, I tell her.
the day is young.

dating

it's a season of noshing.

snacking
nibbling.

opening and closing the
fridge
to see what's in there
to hold
you over until dinner.

to hold you over
until the real deal is put
on the table.

the banquet.
the three course meal.
wine,
dessert and coffee

an after dinner
drink to top it off
while you sit by the fire,

before bed.

the long talk into the night

we talk long into the night
finishing a bottle of wine.

we say bitter things to one another,
words
we'll regret

in the morning. but it's truth.

the love is over.
what was
never was, we were passengers
on a train

going nowhere.

each afraid to get off. each staring
out the window
at others

at the station, also

hoping for the courage
to move
on with their lives.

we make no plans though to
do anything about it.

we sleep on it, and another
day
turns into another year.

the wind of time pushes grey
into our hair,
deepens our eyes.

each and every eye

the moons spreads across
the lawn
like milk.

a silk pond upon the darkened
green.

I see you are about to cry,
which

is not unusual
it's how you live your life.

nothing
but you can be observed or
admired,

you must have each and
very eye.

into the shadows

I see you at the back of a room.

standing there alone,
your arms folded across
your chest.

you are unreachable. nothing
has changed.

the sadness of you is on your
face.

where there was light, there is
none.

the shadow has become your home.
your voice
is lost in the wilderness
of trees.

at last I have realized that you
have no heart.
no soul.

there was never any future
between us.
no present.

your existence was imaginary.

I can only look at you so long,
before turning away.

I am free.

the carousel

life is not a carousel.

although it feels it at times.
riding the fake
pretty horse

with a stiff mane. a glimmer
of false joy
in her eye.

but it's not real.
the whisper of song.
the kiss of spring,

the sweetness of summer wine.

it's a dizzying time
and the sooner you hop off

and leave that carnival world
behind,

the sooner your life
will find peace.
real love.

waiting for what's next

they put his body on ice
until
the family figures out what to do
with him.

it was always like that.
what to do with him.

how much, they say. gathering
around the table

smoking, uneasy in their chairs.
where to bury him.

the coffin, the headstone.
an obituary?
what would it say.

so he stays on ice. his own money
counted and
already spent.

his stash taken, the pockets
emptied.

his days were long and hard.
he felt the cold
as he waited
on the fountain steps.

crumpled in used clothes.
and now this.
waiting again, for what's next.

ringing in the new

we put our hats on.

we're holding glasses of champagne
in plastic cups.

the ball drops.
we cheer in the new year.

confetti is everywhere.

we kiss.
but there is doubt.
you can feel it in the stale
air.

we are happy in the moment.
strangers at this late hour.

so much of life is like that.
a ball dropping,
the thrill

of the new.

then real life sets in and
there
is trash to be taken out.

natalie

i see the tremble in his hand.

the voice, hoarse.
he's not well.

he's younger than i am, so it
worries me.

are you okay, i ask him.

not really he says, his cup
rattling in his hand as he moves
it slowly to his lips.

remember the time we were in
Georgetown,

it was cold and we waited
in line for an hour to get into
Winstons on M street,

and we met those girls from
Marymount? how we both wanted
to dance

with the same girl? what was
her name?

natalie? i say. brown hair,
blue eyes.

ah, he says. she was something,
wasn't she.

halfway there

it's clear.
through the window.
wet with rain.

the last leaf
has fallen,
the trees are bare,
the branches
are crooked limbs,
arthritic
and grey as far as
the eye can see.

not a drop of green.
but we're halfway there.

peter at the golden gate

peter at the gate

says, so, you made it.
did you find everything you were
looking for?

I laugh. the last time I heard
that I was checking out
in line
at the grocery store.

not really, I tell him.
I need another few years.

I need another trip down
the aisles.

the fun aisle. the love aisle.
the accomplishment aisle.

ah, he says, too late for that,
and hands me my fluffy robe
trimmed in gold.

orientation is two clouds
on the left.

relation ships

some ships are meant to go down.

a small hole
will do that, slowly perhaps,

but down she'll go. straight to the bottom
no matter how hard

you bucket out the water.

a larger hole, of course will
sink things even quicker.

I've been on enough of these doomed
ships to know,

strap tightly on
that life preserver.

the in laws are coming

I tell my friend how envious
I am of him, how wonderful
it is
that he's found love. that's
he's found
his soul mate for life.

married
and secure in his new house.
the yard, the fence. the wreathe
on the door.

the sign that reads home sweet home.

the in-laws arriving for the weekend.

he looks at me and pulls out
a sheet of paper
and says here,

here's the weekend list
of chores I need
to do.

at 7 a.m.

walk the dog.
rake the leaves.
shovel the snow.

the driveway needs salt,
the gutters need
to be cleaned.

the tires need air.

lunch at noon. shopping.

then there's painting to be done.
furniture to be moved.
sheets to be changed.

a light to be hung.
then we'll check the dog
for fleas.

then dinner. tv.

then sleep.

but you love her, don't you,
I ask,
as he puts the list away.

of course I do. he says.
of course. it's the life I've
been waiting for.

i'm sentimental

i'm sentimental
and yet can rip a card or letter
in two,
sent in love,
or like,
or something that pretends
to be either.
a photo as well
of happier times without
so much as shedding
a tear.
not a single boo hoo.
i can light a match and send
up
the sweetest of sentiments.
toss a box
of chocolates
out the window without
a thought.
but believe me, i'm
very sentimental,
or at least i used to be
when it came to me
and you.

setting limits

when the mice
get into the cupboard and eat
through a box
of penne pasta, you smile.

you put another box up there.
it's cold
you reason, they have no where
to else to go

there's snow on the ground,
it's nearly five below.

but come spring, they'll be
gone.
and you'll plug up the hole.

compassion has its limits.

we were in paraguay

I know this dream, she says,
touching my shoulder,
waking me up from the dream.

I had it too, the same one.
we were in love.
we were in Paraguay together.

the shine was shining
on the wet streets.
someone was in the church tower,

ringing the bell, the streets
were covered in white flowers.

it was before this, before
everything.
we were young, innocent.

almost without sin. there
was nothing that could keep
us apart.

go back to sleep, I tell her,
putting my head back down
on the pillow.

take me with you, she says.
don't leave me behind.

okay, I say to her, taking
her hand into mine. okay.

the surprise

your hair on end.

the tingle of spine, the opening
of retinas

in each raised eye.
the sweat upon your brow,

the pressure rising. the heart
racing.

the tumble of gut
full of strangely arriving
butterflies.

a sudden jolt of fear
pricks your mind.

one never gets used to being
surprised.

the new year

where has everyone gone to,
you ask

in the silence
of a rainy street. has exhaustion
set in

from the frenzy of holiday.
has the air left

the balloon of a year almost
done.

the money spent, the drinks
gone dry.

no one dances anymore. no one
takes a hand

and leads a loved one, slowly
across the floor.

the world is tired.
the music has stopped.

a new year will erase the old
year.

what will enfold?

everything french

i go into the little French store,
where everything
is French.

a bell rings when you open the door.

the place is overflowing with
cups, dishes, towels,
stuff

my mother would love. i go slow
so as to not
break anything.

one sneeze could bring the place
crashing down.
i spot an apron with a chicken
on it,

but it's not my size. a metal
statue of
the Eiffel tower. ninety dollars.

what would that be in francs, or is
it euros now?

there's a basket of fake bread,
paper mache or something.

rolls and baquettes, they look
real, shiny as if lathered with butter.
i pick up the baquette
and think about how it would make
a nice sandwich.

lots of wine books, wine openers,
wine corks. wine wine wine.

there's a calendar of paris in the spring.
i open it up hoping
fifi or michelle
might be in it lounging
around in some café wearing
fishnet stockings. nope.

i wander around
until the woman in back

whispers loudly, can i help you
with anything? then i leave.

bombshell review

it's a horrible movie,
bombshell,
with horrible real life people
doing horrible
real things.
it's all neatly wrapped
up in a glossy
box.
it's a movie where you don't
have to think too much.
you just sit there and watch
eating popcorn
wondering when it will end.
it's the world we
live in. frighteningly
sleazy and corrupt.
it's what you see on tv
everyday, at every hour.
from politicians, to lawyers,
and the media.
it's non stop.
it might be time for another
great flood.

a slow boat to somewhere

I think about going to china
as I sit
in a Chinese restaurant,

but I don't know anyone there, yet.
take a slow boat, perhaps.

I don't speak the language,
or know anything about it other than
what I've
learned at

Peking Gourmet, but it might be fun.
I stare at the paper placemat,

trying to figure out which animal
I am.

the rat, the snake, the rabbit.
then I order another mai tai, that
first one

went down too easy.
the guy comes over to refill
my water glass again,

after I took another sip.
I want to ask him about china,

but I think he's from Cuba.

Cuba might be fun too, closer
and it's like going back into time.

it's like riding a bike

i'll be on the look out for you,
he says,

putting his hand on my shoulder
in a friendly way,

but condescending way.

that's some wild story you have there.
what a cup of crazy that woman was.

i'll see if my girlfriend has any
friends
that are single. but normal women.

not nuts, promise.

how old are you?

I laugh. don't worry about it.
being alone
is fine

after the living hell I went through.

it's nice. the quiet. the calmness.
the peace. yesterday I read a book
for over an hour.

a book? he says. really?

i'll know when it's time to jump
back into
the pool, tell him.

okay, okay, he says. I get you.
but let me know.

it's like riding a bike, you fall
over and then you get back on.

love yourself

it's a matter of rewiring,

she tells you.
getting the neurons to run
on different pathways.

light up new lights.
take a new way home, change.

get out of town,
run, take a break, do things
differently.

get busy. get happy
doing all the things you like
and love.

don't sit too long
with ruminations, but
move on. don't dwell,

don't stay too long with
what was.
the new is the pathway
out.

above all, love yourself.

the evangelist

his birthday arrives.

my brother.
the evangelist.

fourteen months ahead of me.
brilliant
and kind.

another year down.

generous to a fault.
i could do well to follow
him.

we're heading in the same
direction,

but on different paths.

senior discount

i go through the prompts to buy
movie tickets.

oh look, there's a discount
for seniors.

it's high time i started taking
advantage of
being so old.

damn right. where's my walker,
my cane,

my seeing eye dog, damn it.

kids get out of my yard.
where's my oatmeal, my teeth,
my prune juice?

where's
my Saturday evening post.
my reader's
digest

my melba toast?
did i ever tell you about

the time at Woodstock, when
Janis Joplin invited me into
her tent?

oh yeah, she was a wild one.

hop on my lap little one
and let grandpop tell you
that story.

a change is gonna come

I listen to Otis
on the radio, a change is gonna
come.

it's a sweet melancholy song,
that sways

and flows. you don't ever want
it to end.

but you do want the change,
you want it to come.

you can feel it in your bones.
we all need a change.

a new day.
a fresh start.

a change is gonna come, let
it play.

i'm a wholesales gem dealer

i'm in turkey right now she writes
to me
via text.

it's jane, a stunning blonde
on elite singles.

i'm a wholesales gem dealer,
she writes,
but I do real estate in Greece.

I have a son named dusty.

I look at my phone and shake my
head.

I get the funny feeling
that she might be a scammer. oh my.

(on the internet, no less)

her age is sixty, but her glamor
shot says thirty.

what a nice name, dusty, I write
back.

a strange coincidence, my house
is dusty. the maid is coming
tomorrow.

what do you do, she writes.

i'm an international
deli meat salesman, I tell her.
I specialize in salami and uncured hams.

she writes back. i'm a wholesales
gem dealer, but I do real estate
in Greece.

what's your son's name, I type in.

peccadillos

they were mild peccadillos
at first.

small sins.

like using all the hot water,
or trimming
her hair in the sink.

hiding her phone, walking
deep into the woods
alone.

leaving the door unlocked.
whistling
while I tried to write,

or think.

and sleeping in the other room
at night.

small things, small things,
but in time,

something obviously
wasn't right.

the first date

I knew we wouldn't get along
when she pulled
out her banjo

and began to play.
her sister took out a pair
of spoons
and started banging them

on her boney knees.
her aunt Sadie came out
of the kitchen

with a washboard
and pops came in from milking
a goat

and started playing his fiddle.

her mother put her teeth in and
began to yodel.

they passed around a jug
of white lighting

and the children started
dancing. they let the pigs
in too,

as I raised my shoes, sitting
there with a bouquet of flowers
in my calvin klein suit.

coup de grace

life makes more sense
when the truce is known.

no longer adrift
in the currents, or blown
off course
by the dark winds.

you know now what it truly
is.

rarely do we get such a sweet
gift from above, a final straw

upon the back. thank your
lucky
stars

for a coup de grace.

auditions on thursday

you reach the denouement period
of things.

when the climax has been
reached.

justice has been served
and
the masks are off revealing who
is really who.

the complexities of the plot
are made clearer.

Shakespeare does well with it.
tying all the loose
strings together

into a fine satisfying knot.

the play is over, the curtain
closes.

auditions will be held on
Thursday for what comes next.

will there be jello?

I get ten pounds of medical
insurance
information in the mail.

the mailman was bent over
with the package
and through it on the porch.

i begin to sort through it.
I sigh. I read.

the print is so small.

I thought I was done with this.
it was all signed and confirmed
last year.

plan b, plan d. plan A.

with prescriptions,
without.

eye care and dental? maybe.
what about co pay.

what about primary visits.
specialist visits?

MRI's and x-rays. flu shots
and tetanus.

what about the colonoscopy,
god help me.

how much are my premiums?
will I keep my doctor, whoever
she is this year.

what's my yearly limit.
cost per room for an overnight
stay?

will there be jello?

she was a child

we were different.

blue was my color, red hers.
she liked
to fight,

she saw no humor in anything,
I saw
it in all.

she slept on the left,
me the right.

I preferred peace.
I tried to tell the truth.

she lied.
I had patience and loyalty.

she stared into her phone
hidden in her hand
and punched at the keys.

I walked at midnight,
she lay alone
and stared more into her
phone.

she cried. she played with
her rosary beads.

I listened.
she covered up her ears,
she wiped at her reddened eyes.

I saw the end.

she saw nothing but
the sadness of her life,

which had no end no matter
where
she was going next.

she was a child in need of
a father, only that,

might make it right.

it starts slowly

it starts slowly.

the missing word, the lost key.
the appointment
not kept.

memories slip, the paper curls
with age,
yellows.

our minds retreat, saying enough
with this.

give me back my childhood,
i'm not ready
for the grave.

the infinite

the black sky
is pin pricked with an infinite
number
of stars.
brighter than diamonds,
brighter
than anything we could make
here
on earth.
but we doubt.
we can't imagine how
this is so, so
we
try to figure it out
and yet
only in death will we
truly to know.

doing hard time

everyone needs a home.

a place of rest.
an island to go to,

a place without bars,
or wire,
or the dread of no hope.

to have a bed. a chair, books.
a quiet room

all your own, a refuge

to regroup, repair.

I was without joy for
over a year, seems so
much longer,

that time behind the wall
of dead love.

but now it's back,
there's peace, there's
joy, there's no longer

abuse or fear.

no more of that.

going vegan

I decide to give up
bacon
for a few days,

okay. twelve hours.
and I have to admit,
I do feel a lot better.

i'm perkier and my skin has
a nice healthy glow to it.

i'm drinking my green juice
and slicing up
some carrots
for dinner.

I stand at the kitchen
sink,
cutting up my carrots,
celery too, I like the color.

but then I see a deer
crossing in the woods.

a healthy looking beast.
he looks my
way
and we make eye contact.

I cant help but think
of meat. of spare ribs
and pot roast. I sigh.
those were
days.

well actually, the hours.
it's only been twelve hours
and eleven minutes now.

the unknown heart

is there a fate worse
than
death, I believe there is.

for death has no sting,
with faith.

a thousand times worse
is being with someone
when there is no
love,

trapped in a life of
no trust, no kindness. no joy.

you are truly alone
when someone sleeps beside you,

and their heart is dark
and
unknown.