the new hot tub

have you lost weight

the salesman says to me, as he
pulls out

the paperwork
for a new hot tub in the back

yard.
you look marvelous. you look
a lot younger than your age.

what's your secret?

I look at my stomach.
maybe a pound or two, I tell
him.

but i'm hungry all the time.

so let me tell you about your new hot
tub, he says, while pushing

candy bar across the desk.

it's got nineteen jets, seats
seven. this baby is state of the art.

cup holders. wifi, stereo.
apple play.

low maintenance. it's the gold
standard of hot tubs.

you'll be in this thing all night
and all day

and your girlfriend or wife
will love it. he winks, maybe all
three of you at the same time.

if you like to party, and who doesn't,
there are handles all over that you
can grab onto
if you start to slip under

and pass out.

no one has ever drowned in one
of our hot tubs.
there's an alarm that goes off
if more than ninety eight per cent
of your body

goes under water.
i'm telling you, chicks love
hot tubs.

you'll be living like Hefner in
this thing.

so what do you think?  can I put
you into a hot tub today?