after the workout

i need more ice

bags.

three aren't quite

enough.

the knees,

the shoulder,

the head.

one more for

the back

and i'll be good.

or maybe

a tub of ice in

water.

drop myself in

and soak

until frozen.

tomorrow

the rain

keeps me home.

keeps

the coffee pot on.

keeps

me inside

to do

all the things i

put off until

tomorrow.

well,

tomorrow has come.

wild thing

she could sing.

dance,

play

the piano.

she was the life of the party,

telling jokes,

making everyone

laugh.

she was the party

in her red dress.

her hair

flying around her

shoulders.

red heels

and lipstick.

she set the mood.

she didn't need to drink

a drop of wine,

no liquor touched

her lips,

no need,

for she was always

inebriated 

on a natural sort of booze.

did you go alone?

i find an old

ticket

to the theater in my coat

pocket.

i haven't worn

the coat since the night

i went

to that show.

i guess it was cold out.

a scarf

is still around the collar,

gloves are

in the pockets.

did i go alone?

probably so.

and if she was with me,

even more so.

the hand that feeds him now

he hated

black people, Asians too.

anyone not

American born

got on his nerves,

Mexicans

were the worst

according to his beliefs

set in stone.

actually anyone not

exactly

like him.

the same color of skin

were way down

on his proverbial

food chain.

and so now,

as he lies there

in a state

of confusion, unable

to lift a fork

to his mouth, with dementia

set in,

i wonder if his

views have changed

as a brown

hand feeds

him, changes his diaper

and wipes his mouth,

counts out the pills

of his medicine.

was there love there?

they empty

the old house.

there goes the coffee table,

the books

and lamps,

the blue couch.

someone has rolled

up the rug

and set it in the yard.

pictures

are taken down. leaves

traces

of dust and faded paint

behind.

pots and pans,

dishes.

everything old,

rusted, worn, bent.

the people are gone.

wheeled out

in chairs

or gurneys, taken somewhere

where strangers

now will feed them

with small spoons

and straws.

the people are gone.

was there love there?

not that i remember.

the mail must go through

i've lowered my

expectations

with the mailman.

his leather

sack thrown

over his bent shoulder.

his grey

uniform, loose

and frayed.

he's wearing his pith

helmet in the rain,

but

there's no mail i'm

anxious to receive.

no check, no prize

money, no love

letter from overseas.

it's bills and ads.

junk that i won't even

take the time to read.

the funeral director

it's good to have

a barber,

someone that knows

your hair,

or lack thereof.

it's good to have a doctor,

a dentist,

a lawyer.

even a butcher comes

in handy

when you need a special

cut of meat.

then there's 

the plumber,

the painter,

the electrician.

but of course there

are a few

people you hope

to never want, or need.

another cup of tea

another cup

of tea seemed to solve

nearly

everything,

for Emily.

a plate of cookies,

the good China

taken out

for the visit.

what troubles?

she'd say.

cream and sugar.

how long

can you stay?

live and let live

we think

we're better

people than that,

non-judgmental,

live and let

live sorts,

but

we aren't.

we can't help but

stare

and wonder

at

the purple

hair,

the fish hook through

the nose,

the tattoo

of Satan on someone's

brow.

we cautiously move

to the other

side of the street

and wonder

if another great flood

is overdue.

the grave yards are full

i haven't heard

from my Russian friend, Dasha,

in a while.

i worry about her.

the last picture

she sent to me was of her

ice fishing.

sitting over a hole

in the ice, smoking a cigarette

with a look of

disgust on her face.

i ask her about the war,

but she says

she can't talk about it.

she only says that all the men

are gone

and that the grave yards are full.

after seven days of rain

i have fond

memories of the sun.

remember

the sun?

that giant yellowish

globe

in the sky, making

our skin warm?

it was lovely.

a wonderful thing.

us in our bathing suits,

the dog sleeping

in a puddle

of golden sunlight.

the daffodils in bloom,

robins singing.

remember the sun?

beach pancakes

some people

when they get back from

a vacation,

from a cruise,

or a week in Spain

are perky

and excited.

they're refreshed from

the week away.

if i go to the beach

for a night

i'm exhausted from

all that packing

and travel.

frazzled by the commotion

in the hotel lobby.

confused by which

pancake joint

to eat at.

The Pocahontas?

or Captain Ahab's?

going to california

we were on our way

to California.

Hunnington Beach

to be exact.

some girl named Sharon

a cousin

of the girl i was dating,

Vivian,

captain of the cheerleaders

invited us over

when she was in town.

she was going to show us

around.

give us the tour.

we made it as far west

as Winchester, Virginia,

then Jim Ac's fifty-nine

chevy broke down.

he couldn't get it started

again, and we had

no money between us

to fix whatever was wrong.

so we left it there on the

side of the road,

route sixty-six and 

hitched a ride home.

it's just the wind

it's just a soft

rattle,

a squeak, a slight

bang.

is that the door knob

twisting,

is it a ghost

perhaps?

is someone trying

to get in.

are there mice

in the attic,

is there a bat

behind shutters.

what's making this 

noise.

i pray that it's just

wind

and not her again.

why sleep on it?

before we end things,

she says,

let's sleep on it.

i know you're miserable

with me being here.

but let's get a good nights

rest

and talk about it tomorrow.

i tell her, that's the problem

i can't sleep

when you're here.

so maybe i should go,

she says.

i can pack and leave

right now if you want

me too.

sure. that's a great idea.

turn the light off

and lock the door, when

you go down.

everyone needs a hug

it's a left

wing

conversation. 

more social workers

less cops.

more money for

the poor,

more tax breaks,

more shelters

for the homeless.

more hand outs,

more free

stuff for all.

loosen the borders,

let everyone in.

let girls

be boys

and boys become girls.

and unborn

babies, pfffft,

who needs them?

let's clear the jails,

no one is guilty,

everyone just needs

a hug,

even a five time

offender,

a felonious thug.

wal-mart shopping

the oils,

the sugars,

the bread

and cakes, the pies,

the French fries

and icing.

the standard American

diet. there are

twelve teaspoons of raw

sugar in each

bottle of coke.

just look at the line.

the shadows

of each

enormous behind.

i see

a five gallon

bag

of marshmallow

peanuts, 

next to a gallon

jug of syrup.

oh my.

burning books

do children

read

what we were asked

to read.

is Mark Twain

on the list,

Salinger,

and

Cheever,

Updike

and Flannery O'Connor.

or are they

all banned

from the woke

witches

and wizards that now

run

the show?

is Phillip Ross

no where to be found,

Saul Bellow

and Fitzgerald

long gone.

Bukowski?

is their writing not woke

enough,

not

current with our times?

pain with memory

a bruise, a scrap,

a bump

a cut,

a strain, all in a few

days would

be gone

at an early age.

but now,

i roll out of bed

and grab my

knee

and limp in

the early morning

darkness,

holding onto walls

as i go find

a salve

to ease the ancient

pain.

my good friend Mr. Lincoln

it's crowded.

packed.

the bar

is overflowing,

every seat is taken, 

every table is full.

i sidle up

to the Maitre d

and ask

him if he's met my

good friend

Mr. Lincoln. with

stealthy deftness

i show him

my five dollar bill,

folded in the palm

of my hand.

this is all yours,

i tell him,

if he sets a table

free. he laughs

that Maitre d laugh.

no dice.

he points to the door

and asks us

to leave.

we'll have more tomorrow

we have nearly

uncontrollable urges.

it's human.

natural.

our appetite for sweets,

or salt,

for drink and food,

for affection.

no matter how much

we get,

it's never quite enough.

tomorrow

we crave more.

Etienne's day at the park

i'm having a Francophile

kind of day.

after penciling in

a thin black mustache,

i've put on

my black beret,

my black and white

striped jersey,

a guitar is

strapped to my back

and

i'm eating a baguette,

with escargot

and ghee.

i'm listening

to Jacques Brel

on my little red

transistor radio.

i've borrowed a small

poodle

from my friend Mitzi,

and i'm

down by the river

doing an impressionistic

rendering in oil

of people strolling by.

occasionally

i take a sip of pinot noir

from the bottle

by my side,

and say bonjour

with a smile

to lovers walking by.

sliding down an icy hill with wooden boards attached to your feet

i try to watch

the trial of the minor celebrity

actress

who crashed into

some old man

on a ski slope.

it's like watching paint

dry,

or grass grow.

it's all about who's going

to get a pay day.

who gets the dough.

if you're stupid enough to put

slippery boards

on your feet

and fly down

a hill in the ice and snow,

you're officially a dope.

and you're on

your own.

you get nothing.

be thankful you didn't hit

a tree like most

skiers do.

i thought it was Thursday

sometimes

i cringe at

the confusion of not knowing

what day it is.

Tuesday

being Wednesday,

Friday being

Thursday.

Monday

being Sunday.

it's a fascinating state

of mind.

a little touch

of insanity while

scratching my head

and wondering

if it's all over now.

call the doctor, the

priest, the lawyer

and put

me to bed.

three step verification code

my mother has

a three

step verification code

on her phone now.

whenever i call her

she wants

me to tell her

my favorite pasta dish,

the color of her 

parakeet, and the derogatory

name

she used to call

my third and final ex-wife,

if all my answers,

are correct,

lasagna, lime green and

Cruella, she'll

finally believe it's me

on the line.

it's exhausting, but after

she gave away

two thousand dollars

last year to some

Jamaican chap

pretending to be me,

she's taking no

chances.

the fortune cookie

it was easy

to eat

and eat, get drunk on

mai tais

at Hunan West.

keep

the rice coming,

the beef,

the shrimp

and peppers.

we've got all night

here

in this red and yellow

place.

more fish,

more

sauces, more duck.

more fortune cookies.

this one

i just read

doesn't appeal

to me.

do you swear to tell the truth?

i used to keep

a Bible

by the front door

and made

her place her hand

on it

when i questioned her

about

where she was

that night.

for the most part she'd

plead the fifth

which would end

the interrogation.

then the lie detector test,

which i got as a wedding gift.

of course

she'd pass that with flying

colors. no surprise there.

narcissists

and psychopaths

are the best at that.

the graph showed

not a single blip.

the artist's wife

we want

to know more about

the artist.

why

he painted what he did.

the influence

of his brush

his colors,

the lines he'd draw.

we want

to understand what

made him

tick.

why

the starkness

of olives

and greys, the lines

so thick.

spoon fed

we are spoon

fed

when babies.

the long 

stretch

of middle years are

up to us

though

with fork and knife,

and then at the end

it's back

once more

to the spoon,

a circled

life.

clearing out the attic

it's a good day to clean

up the attic.

i get the flashlight

and climb the wobbly

wooden ladder.

i grab the box of

psychology books,

a thick copy

of the DSM,

and self help manuals,

and carry them down.

next i get the old straight

jackets that i used to

use in a previous

relationship, and toss

them into the hall.

there's an exorcism

kit too.

holy water, crosses.

straps to tie the possessed

down with.

garlands of dried up

garlic.

a wooden stake and mallet.

everything is covered

in cobwebs and dust.

spiders are everywhere.

it's a good day for a

cleaning.

check is in the mail

i don't do online

banking.

i have a check book.

i send checks out in the mail.

envelope,

stamp, etc.

no automatic payments.

no Zelle,

or Venmo,

or PayPal,

no bit coin,

whatever the hell

that is.

i don't scan payments

onto my phone.

and i'm not

giving up my butter

churn either.

what should we do today?

she says to me,

one morning. hey, i have an idea.

i lower

the paper

to look at her,

and say, what?

let's go pick

blueberries up

in Pennsylvania.

what do you think?

it's so nice out.

i keep looking at her,

my eyes just barely

over the edge of

the newspaper.

Safeway has blueberries,

i tell her.

i know, i know. but

it'll be nice to get away

and fresh fruit

is always a treat this

time of year.

she puts her finger to her chin,

what about a hot air balloon

ride, she says.

Powerlines, i reply.

death by fire and falling

and then

what's left of you

the animals will eat.

take a walk up to Starbucks?

sure.

let me get my shoes

on.

used cars and women

she had

that new car smell.

that glossy finish

of heated wax,

the shine

of the chamois cloth.

the tank

full,

the windows clean.

there was a nice

sweet rumble of the engine

when revved,

but underneath

there was rust,

and corrosion,

the oil was leaking.

the short fuse

you

have moments

of being unkind.

the worst

of you

appears when abused

or dismissed,

or used.

sometimes the slightest

hint of

disrespect

lights the short fuse.

look at me now

nobody

wants to work anymore.

they're done

with labor

with nine to five.

with sweeping floors

and punching the clock.

no flipping

burgers for me.

i'm a tik tok star.

watch and like

as i lip-sync a song,

as i play my guitar,

stand on my

head and put my legs

around my neck.

i'm at the beach,

at a bar, the zoo,

making faces at the

animals.

i'm making my dog

play peek a boo.

click on me now,

more content

like this tomorrow.

i don't have a real job,

so i have all day

to fool around.

the camping meet up group

Colette asks me to go

camping with

her meet up group.

it's a fun bunch of seniors

she says.

all divorced and single,

some widows

and widowers.

we go up into the mountains

and set up camp.

what about the snakes,

i ask her.

and the black bears.

mosquitoes?

do you have an axe,

a gun,

pepper spray for vandals

that wander into

camp and hit us with sticks

while we lie

in our sleeping bags?

no, she says.

it's quite safe.

we build a fire and roast

marshmallows, sometimes

we cook

hot dogs and beans.

we tell ghost stories

around the fire as we drink

wine and beer.

what about canoodling, i ask

her, does that happen.

okay, she says, you're 

officially univited.

the price of fine dining

as i

eat some goat cheese

dip

with wafers of flat bread

broken

and stale,

i check my wallet

and see that i only

have two one hundred

dollar bills.

she's having

a salad

and a glass of wine.

i'm sticking to water,

tap water.

there's the tip to deal

with, of course,

but 

this is what it's come to

in

fine dining.

the luck of the draw

the guy

across the courtyard,

let's call him Jim.

has a great wife.

she cooks dinner

everyday for him and the children,

at six she calls

them all in

she does the wash,

and the cleaning,

takes the kids where

they need to go.

to doctors and

teachers meetings, soccer

games on Saturdays.

decorates

the tree.

plans the family

vacations.

she buys all them

their clothes. she's old

school.

paleolithic

in her motherly ways.

he's lucky to have her

my soon to be ex-wife

says. sleeping in until noon.

unsure how

to turn on the stove

or washer,

lucky

indeed, i repeat, lucky

to not be me.

the misfit among us

we may

all be touched, a  tad

crazy,

off our trolley

a bit.

but we do our

best

to fit in,

and not be the outlier,

the misfit.

where does it all go

where does it all

go?

all this trash, this garbage

we dispose of,

the daily

pick up

in the morning, and

then it's gone.

but where to?

the glass and tin,

the plastic, the paper,

the egg shells

and fish we didn't eat.

who has the room

for all our things

we no longer want

or need?

tomorrow we'll

make more,

and the next day

and the next day.

it's all very strange

how it disappears,

out of sight and mind,

but i'm pleased.

the comfort zone

it's hard

to go back, to retreat

to a life

once had.

once you taste the good

life,

the good wine,

the good food,

and sleep 

safely

on a soft bed,

it's hard to go back.

once you have the kiss

of a true

love, there is no

other path.

it's just a job for now

the man

and his helper, laying

fresh concrete

for a sidewalk

are there all day.

the man speaks, the kid,

listens, brushes

the hair out

of his eyes as he goes

to get whatever

tool

the mason needs

from the open truck.

he's giving lessons

to the boy.

giving him his trade

as best he can.

but at his age, he's

bent over,

he's slow to rise, slow

to straighten.

you can see it in the kid's

eyes,

that this life isn't

for him.

what's he doing?

the animal

crossing the road, seems

to have a death

wish.

i can't make him out

in the headlights,

but his eyes

are shiny.

he could be a possum,

a porcupine,

a sloth

of some sort trying

to get to the other side.

but he waits,

he hesitates and rises

on his squat legs.

his little furry arms

are open

as if welcoming me.

he's done

with this life, it's almost

like he's asking

me to speed up

and end things.

i think there must be trouble

at home, tired from

all that foraging

in trash cans, dealing

with ungrateful

kids, his promiscuous

wife.

ergo

if you hear

the word, ergo,

in a sentence, you know

it's going to be

a long night,

an excruciating long

dinner party,

especially if he's

wearing a bow

tie

and has a beard and

clinks his spoon

to his glass

to make sure he's

being heard.

wood for the fire

there is pleasure

in breaking

wood apart

into cords for the fire.

i take hard

swing after swing

of the axe

down upon the wood.

then stack it

on the side of the house.

it's a good sweat,

distracted by

no one, by nothing.

it's just me

and the wood,

under the cold blue sky,

bang goes the axe,

splitting, again and again.

bang,

then bang again.

for hours until one piece

is the last.

a good pair of walking shoes

can some of it stay a mystery.

do we have

to know everything that there

is to know about

everything?

can't there be a little shadow

in the light.

why bother so much

with the whens, the whys,

the whats?

does it matter

what size the universe is?

how it all got started?

i'm more concerned with lunch

these days,

and a good pair of walking

shoes.

defining Pluto

nearly every single thing

they taught

us in school has changed,

except for math.

the rest is up for grabs,

being altered and rewritten

daily.

history, biology, nutrition,

science.

even English has a new

set of rules,

new words being made

up just because.

Pluto is no longer a planet,

for instance,

how can we live with that?

going on spring break

i have my own

spring

break.

i put on my red bathing suit

and my old

college sweatshirt

that reads

Lorton Reformatory.

i get out the sun lamp

and shine

it on the ceiling.

i fix a drink

and open up a bag of chips.

i put some music on

and dance around

the  living room,

yelling at the tv, making

cat calls when

a woman is on the screen.

i yell out, saying

things like, hey baby,

where do you go to school?

it's a fun time,

until the neighbor calls

the police.

the other's life

the indoor cat

stares out

at the outdoor cat.

the one

roaming free with a dead

mouse

between his teeth.

they stop for

a moment

and make eye contact.

each wishing

he had the other's

life.

nine feet down

the ground

was so hard our shovels

broke

in trying

to dig along the side

of the house.

the four of us took

turns.

with a pickaxe,

or shovel,,

one after the other

each taking a swing at it,

pulling dirt out.

it was a days work.

it was cold, but we

were young

and anxious for a paycheck.

and when

it snowed,

or rained, we kept

at it.

blisters under our

gloved hands, our faces

red,

our ear frozen.

but strangely we were

bonded,

comrades in arms,

somehow

making it fun.

as if none of it happened

when you come out of it,

and by it,

i mean trouble,

a hell on earth, and when

you have time

to sort it all out,

to get yourself right again,

it's almost as if none

of it happened.

it wasn't you. it was

someone else.

all the wounds have

healed, and even the scars

have faded.

lean in together

it's good to have

a friend

to lean into when the wind

almost

carries you away.

you take his

arm, he takes yours.

you walk

together.

it's good to have

a friend like that.

an old friend that will

see through

the good times,

walk you to the grave.

he just wants to talk

he just wants

to talk,

this old guy.

this old man shuffling,

an iceberg

moving

across the room.

he sits,

i sit.

we talk, well, he talks

and i nod,

i listen.

he's lonely. he has

his wife,

but he's still lonely.

he wants to talk

about things he can't

talk with

his wife about.

i get it. i give him an

hour. he tells me about

the work he used to do,

the army,

Rhode Island,

his children.

it's a long hour,

then i look

at my watch and tell

him, i have to go.

he shows me to the door,

i wait for him

as he moves along,

one step

after the other.

he has more to say, more

to tell me.

but he understands.

i have to go.

dinner with a view

after work,

with my boots still on,

hands

unwashed, the dirt

of the day

on me,

i stand in the cold light

of the ice

box, staring

at what might become

dinner.

not much there,

eggs

and lettuce.

nothing to write home

about. i pull

a jar of grape jelly out,

then peanut butter from

the cupboard.

i find

two slices

of bread, both end pieces,

the broad knife

from the drawer.

this will do.

i've had more,

i've had less..

and this view out the kitchen

window,

past the sink

and dirty dishes stacked,

is the best.

grape nehi

it's a vacant lot now

full of broken 

glass and gravel,

but it used

to be a store where an

old man

sold candy, and pop.

we'd reach

into his ice box

on the floor and pull

out a nehi soda

from the cold water

and crushed ice.

orange or grape.

which stained our lips

the entire day.

then we ran back out

into the street,

ball and glove in hand.

there was still sunlight,

there was still more time

to play.

shades of blue

i prefer

various shades of blue.

soft or dark,

indigo.

let them lean towards

the sky,

towards

the stream, 

the moon.

i prefer blue.

blue in all shades.

it fits the mood.

cooking dinner together

we slow

dance around the kitchen.

we've been

drinking

as we cook dinner

together.

we bump into the stove,

a pot

falls off the burner.

she tumbles

into the table,

over the salad goes,

a fork falls

into my foot, severing

a toe.

her apron catches fire,

while i try to

kiss her lips,

missing, bumping

our teeth together,

giving her a bloody nose.

the smoke alarm

goes off.

something in the oven

is burning.

we call out for pizza.

turning everything off,

including the lights,

the couch

is our landing.

one last dime

i dropped a dime

into the slot

to make a call, a long

distant call.

i had my quarters stacked

up on the small

metal

shelf in the phone booth.

it was raining.

it was late,

there was a three hour

difference in time.

it didn't matter, i had

to talk to her.

i had to know if she was

still mine.

someone in the dorm

picked up, not her.

she wasn't there, she was

out, i told the girl

to leave a message,

tell her that i called,

tell her, i miss her, tell

her....never mind.

never mind. i hung up.

the high school reunion

i go to the fifty year

high school

reunion.

it's at Cracker Barrel this time.

there's wheel chair

access

and a nurse on duty

with a defibrillator.

plenty of handicap

parking.

Cindy, the head of the cheerleaders

is in her uniform,

it still fits, she says

cheerfully as she shakes

our hands and pins

our names to our shirts

and blouses.

there's ten of us, out of a

class of five hundred and ninety-two.

we have a table

in the back.

we order food.

mostly breakfast and coffee.

desserts.

then the talk begins as to

who died and how.

Gretchen says, remember

the time Mindy Liefer

drove

the driver's ed car into

the post holding up the library?

we all laugh.

that story never gets old.

one more cup of coffee

i should

cut back on coffee

my one

vice.

dark roast with

heavy cream and two

stevias.

the chemical infused

leaf

is probably killing

me.

setting my brain

on fire.

but coffee, how do

i quit you,

my only vice, except

for Betty.

you should meet her.

she's the epitome

of nice.

imaginary lovers

i bought you a gift

for your

birthday.

it's shiny. i know how

you like shiny.

expensive too.

i spent hours at the mall

at the jewelers

looking

under the glass counter,

searching for

something that would

please you.

i'll keep the receipt

though, just in case it's

not to your liking.

maybe i'll have it engraved

with the date

and our initials.

one day,

i hope to meet you.

what's wrong with you?

being

a cowboy was never an option,

despite

spending endless hours

as a kid

wearing my

hop along Cassidy

outfit

and riding my plastic horse

on springs.

i had a belt with

two cap pistols

and rolls of red caps

tucked

inside my

pleated black shirt.

i was always under attack

by indians

or outlaws,

dodging bullets

and arrows,

doing all the voices

with the door shut

and the lights off.

i remember my sister

poking her head

in to see what all the commotion

was about,

and asking me,

what's wrong with you?

seedless grapes on sale, true story

if you spend

over twenty-five dollars,

the woman

from Sri Lanka

says to me as she rings

up my groceries,

your red seedless grapes

will be ninety-nine cents

per pound.,

not three dollars and

ninety-nine cents

per pound.

you're only up to

twenty-three dollars

and seventy-eight cents.

she shows me the coupon

in the newspaper,

she's circled it with

the pen she keeps behind

her ear.

she explains it to me a few

times more,

the language barrier is not

helping.

the line behind me grows

longer.

there's grumbling,

cursing under their

breath. babies are crying.

i see a small grey haired

woman

taking out a pair of scissors

from her purse.

you need to buy something

for two dollars,

maybe a candy bar, the clerk says,

pointing at the rack

of dozens of candy bars.

hmmm. i say. looking

around. nah, i'm doing this

whole carnivore thing now.

i can't eat sugar.

hold on. let me go get

a can of tuna. is that on

sale too, how much is

one can?

light tuna in water, can you

get the store manager to look

that up?

new age stalking

she shakes her head

sadly,

while staring

into her phone.

stalking

isn't what it used to be,

she says.

hiding in

the bushes outside an old

boyfriend's house

in a hat

and rain coat,

to see what he's up to.

doing the drive by,

the slow follow

as he leaves for work,

or a date

on Saturday night.

who has time for stalking

anymore,

she says,

and besides, there's always

Facebook

and LinkedIn, Myspace,

his blog,

and the rest of it

to satisfy my

sick need to know.

new kitchen envy

the neighbor,

a few doors up from me.

is having

work done.

she invites me in to see

the new floor,

the cabinets,

the granite counter

just cut

and installed.

is that a Viking stove,

a sub Zero fridge?

oh my,

and a microwave

over the stove.

i tamp down my envy,

as she opens up

the oven door.

it's a prime rib roast,

garlic wrapped,

with small potatoes,

the table set for four.

it's almost dinner time

and i'm not invited.

i hate her.

don't wait for me

it's an incline,

though slight,

these curbs, these steps,

that grassy hill.

where once you ran

in leaps and bounds,

now carefully

you take your time.

grabbing the rail,

and yelling ahead, 

don't wait for me,

go on.

so close to an end

as the world

spins

out of control and confusion

of the simplest

things set

in,

such as the question

of, am i a boy

or am i a girl,

you wonder what's

gone wrong.

you think of what

Dostoevsky said,

that without God,

everything

is permissible.

so close we are to an end.

the train window

the train

doesn't go through the nice parts

of towns.

where the parks

are,

where the lake is,

where the architecture

is pleasing

to the eye, where

the streets are clean.

where everything

is organized

no,

the train goes elsewhere,

it rolls

on the edges,

where the factories

smoke,

where the rusted cars

lie abandoned,

where the shacks lean

in the wind.

where the yards are dirt,

and the dogs

bark all night.

egg salad sandwich

there was a kid

in the seventh grade who

had a full

beard

at the age of fourteen.

he looked like

a pirate.

other kids mistook him

for one of

the faculty.

he was tall and gangly

and spoke

a mysterious

foreign language.

i remember he

packed the best lunches.

goat cheese

and meat wraps

in pita bread. pickles

home made sweets.

sometimes i'd trade

him my egg salad 

sandwich for whatever

he had.

he brought his own

salt and pepper

shakers in his back pack.

he'd open up

my sandwich and sprinkle

it with pepper,

then smile with his enormous

teeth.

good, he'd say. good.

the next year he was gone.

my neighbor, Becky

this one neighbor,

let's call her Becky,

who lives

two doors down, has

been on my case

for nearly twenty years.

she's been every member

of the board

at one time or another.

she goes nowhere without

her clipboard.

if i put the trash out

too early, there's a note

on my door,

if my dog barks, another

note. if i paint

my door an unapproved

color, she's quick to

report me.

when the stickers

on my car are about

to expire, she puts a

warning on the windshield.

if my kitchen window

is open and the music

is too loud, she knocks

on my door and tells

me to lower it.

and then i get an invitation

in the mail, she's having

a welcome to the neighborhood

party, which includes

the selling of Tupperware.

she's twenty years late.

Becky.

what's on your mind?

i can tell

she's thinking about something.

the way

she fiddles with her

fork,

moving food around

on her plate,

tapping

the spoon against her

cup.

she keeps looking

down at

the fish gone cold.

the curl

of her salad

now dry.

i'm almost finished

chewing

the last bite of bread,

swallowing the last pour

of wine.

what, i ask her.

what?

my best friend in school

the kid

beside me for ten grades

of school,

my best friend,

would borrow my 

homework,

sit next to me

for the answers

at test time.

he'd tap his finger,

once for yes,

twice for no.

he was too lazy

to study, and he knew

he had me around.

i taught him well.

he's a doctor now.

highly esteemed

with his name 

inscribed

on a very clean 

white coat..

fires with names

i know what fire is.

of course i do.

a child knows that.

knows

how it hurts, how it burns

and scars.

how long it takes

to heal, and yet, i can't

help testing it

again and again,

putting my hand over

the flames, just close 

enough to feel

the danger of it all

once more.

some fires have names.

Grande Americano

in his bow tie

and white

shirt, his red suspenders,

he laughed

at me

when i asked for coffee

to go.

he stroked his thin

mustache

and shook his head

sadly.

he was Italian,

the crowd around him

standing

with porcelain cups

drinking espresso

were Italian too.

citizens of Venice.

they laughed with him.

everyone was laughing.

these Americans, how

crass, how rude

in them wanting coffee

to go.

what fools.

chocolate rabbits

i'm not exactly sure

how

chocolate

rabbits and yellow peeps

got mixed up

in Easter,

resurrection Sunday.

what a strange strange

path that must be.

jelly beans

and baskets, with

colored eggs and straw.

who's behind

all this.

what dots can i connect.

it's not about you

this song

isn't about you.

in fact, none of them are.

so quit

thinking that i'm thinking

of you

when i strum this guitar,

dwelling on the past,

about what went right,

what went wrong.

this song isn't about you,

it's about me.

about me moving on.

so don't

even ask.

the two lane highway

you drive

out of town, west

on 66, you need to go.

you need

a change of scenery.

a change

of venue.

tired of the same old.

the old faces,

the voices.

the same stores lit up.

the same roads.

the familiar

has grown

stale, grown old.

you're tired of what's on

tv,

what's in your phone.

you drive and drive

until nothing looks

like it did

back home.

you need the big sky,

the desert,

the ocean of sand.

you need the nothingness

of it all

with no one in your ears,

no one in your

eyes.

you drive.

i'm so sorry, really

it's good to apologize

early

and often

when in a relationship.

stand in front

of the mirror before you

go out on that first

date

and say, i'm sorry.

you don't need a reason

right now.

just say it, practice it.

just keep repeating i'm

sorry, i'm sorry.

don't worry, this is not

a waste of time.

it'll come in handy 

as the relationship

progresses.

we'll cover

jewelry and flowers

in the next class.

an early morning nap

i wake up

at six.

somewhat aroused, wishing

Betty

was around.

then i fall

back to sleep, a strange nap

in the middle

of waking

up.

it's ten a.m. already.

the dream

is over.

i hear someone outside

chopping wood.

i wonder

who chops wood anymore,

and why.

eat this then take this pill

not one

for conspiracies, and yet.

it seems

like doctors

are in on it.

the obesity, the pills,

the statins,

diabetes running wild.

the medical industry seems

to be in cahoots

with General Mills,

and Domino sugar,

little Debbie cakes and

Haagen Daz.

the sicker and fatter

we get

the more pills they

sell.

you see children at the bus

stop,

little sacks of sugar

with chubby cheeks,

and arms like flippers.

the world has grown fat

with bread

and sugar.

sodas and cereals,

chips and crackers.

snacks and

nutrient less crap.

and no one seems care,

as the addiction

goes on and money is made

as prescriptions

are filled.

the pills are

everywhere.

faith builders

when you swerve

out of the way of a random

speeding

car trying to get into

your lane.

your heart beats like a rabbit

on the run

chased by hounds.

you thank God, 

your faith is strengthened

as you once again

escape,

unscathed,

another close one.

she makes friends easily

she goes to Florida,

i stay put.

her toes are in the sand.

she sends me a picture

saying wish you were here.

she's in a chair

with a cold tall drink

with an umbrella,

the ocean at her feet.

next to her in the other

chair is a stranger,

a Cuban man with

a gold watch.

she makes friends

easily when she's in

her red bikini.

the reluctant bone

i have a reluctant

bone

in my body,

it's grown stronger

over time.

a bone

that cringes when

it's something i don't want

to do,

or  go to.

it keeps me in my seat,

makes my head

swivel

into no mode.

thanks but no thanks

are the words

it makes me

speak.

a fresh coat of paint

you can tell

where people are in their

life

by the color of their

rooms.

the paint on the wall,

the pictures

the art,

the brightness,

orfit all, or gloom.

are they still young at heart,

still hopeful,

willing to change

and see what tomorrow

brings, or are they done.

sticking with greys

and beige,

pulling down

the shades, making

it all

a familiar tomb.

when will i get my Tupperware back?

finally i get the call that

i've been dreading.

it's Emily.

before she says a word

i can tell it's her.

something about her breathing

when she's angry,

or disappointed.

hello, i say,

cautiously.

so when am i going to get

all of my

Tupper ware back, she says.

we've been broken

up for three months

now and you promised

you'd drop it off on my porch,

weeks ago.

is this weekend okay?

yes. did you wash them all out.

of course, of course.

no worries. i'll get them all

back to you this weekend.

and don't forget the glass

containers too, with the lids,

and my

travel coffee mug.

the one with the big heart

on the front

that you gave me for

valentine's day.

got it. is that all?

well there might be something

under your bed,

with a long extension cord,

could you bring that too.

the cat and mouse

the secret to life

in all

situations, in work or play,

in love,

or relationships, is to

determine who's

the cat

and who's mouse.

once that's settled

the rest will fall

into place.

Debbie's all purpose gravy recipe

i find out who Debbie is.

the woman

who texted me

at three forty-seven in the morning,

just to say,

hi.

i met her fifteen years ago

in a cooking class.

we were learning

how to make a pot roast

for a party

larger than five.

she's living in Kentucky now.

i write back and say hello,

then ask

her for an all purpose

gravy recipe.

i get no reply.

April

not quite, 

but close enough.

i open

a window.

it's not a breath

of spring, but more of a cold

exhale

of March wind.

April though, she's coming,

she's around

the bend in her yellow dress, 

skipping with bows

and ribbons

across the field.

teach your children well

it's hard

to imagine why my brothers

and sisters

stopped talking to me.

all but one.

the other five

are in the wind.

i completely understand

ex-wives, but

with siblings,

God knows what i've

said or done.

my father taught them well,

the toxic

behavior of

the silent treatment.

and who communicates 

with him,

just me

and one sister, 

we're the only ones.

finish what's on your plate

i give it a shot,

i save

what's left of a meal,

wrapping it neatly,

or i bring it

home in a Styrofoam

box

what's left

on the plate,

but then,

it sits there in 

the ice box

on a cold rack,

day after day.

pushed further and further

back by

lemons, or cream,

a carton

of eggs.

i don't even take a peek.

i can't bare

to look at it again,

no matter how

delicious it

was yesterday, or

the day before.

i try not to listen

to the voice in

my ear, my mother telling me

once more about

the starving kids

in India.

should have written it down

i take notes.

unwritten, just mental notes

of things to do,

observations.

notes

that i'll forget

in about three minutes

when i get

distracted

by a bird flying by,

or a girl

in her summer dress,

or just the moon

having a nice

silver shine.

i can't save you

i can't save you.

oh Lord,

how i've tried.

but

your fate is to

drown.

i can't go down

with you.

i'm swimming to shore.

good luck

with the self-inflicted

troubles

you've decided to

hold onto.

and now for sports

there's always

a country

on the news that's war torn.

the houses

turned to rubble.

half-naked

children in the street.

smoke

from a fire nearby

blowing in the wind.

a helicopter in the sky.

the reporter

with a helmet on

standing in the middle

of it all.

Ukraine,

Iraq, Iran.

Viet Nam,

Selma Alabama,

Detroit.

it's all the same.

it never ends. but

back to you Jim,

and now for the sports.

scrubbing madly

i take a bar

of lava

soap, the kind the mechanics

use on oil rigs

and scrub my brain.

my hair.

my hands,

my heart. my feet,

my legs.

i use the hottest water

i can find

to rinse off,

wash the memories

down the drain.

for one single hour,

at last

i'm free, i'm clean.

last cake on the rack

it's a store

bought cake. very pretty.

the way

the icing

is so neat.

geometrically sound.

the words spelled

out

on top.

the platter that holds

it firm.

a perfect rectangle

of a cake.

sorry they misspelled

your name.

but it's the thought

that counts.

white lies

everyone lies

a little.

the kid

with his hand in the cookie

jar,

the husband working

late.

the wife

with an old

school mate.

no you don't look fat

in those pants.

you're so funny.

how nice to 

see you.

hope you're doing

great.

the politician

with the tax relief,

the priest

with the chalice

held high.

everyone lies

a little.

hero worship

they tell

us who our heroes should be.

mr woods,

mr armstrong

what divas

to worship

oprah

and madonna.

what movie star

to set upon

our mantle,

what president

or soldier

we need to bow down

to.

what glossy

flawed human

we should worship.

dr. phil

the osteens

the swaggerts

kings and queens.

just people.

all flawed and troubled.

all of them unworthy,

not unlike you

or me.

lost and found

she takes my hand

as we walk.

it surprises me, but

makes me

happy.

she's taking the initiative

with this, with

this thing we have.

i like that feeling,

that feeling

of not being lost.

money found

it thrills

me for no reason to find

a five

dollar

bill in the dryer.

fallen

from some pant pocket,

while twisting

and turning

in the wash,

then tumbled

dry.

it's a pleasant surprise

having money

found,

tomorrow i'm hoping

for more.

lucky at love

all night

we played poker.

drinking was involved.

her blouse came off,

my shirt stayed

on.

her dress,

her shoes,

her stockings.

she was almost down to

bare bones.

when she finally lost

it all, folding

with four aces

turned down.

i think she lost on

purpose.

the irish in you

we

waited outside

the Bottom Line

on I street

for St. Patty's day.

our green ties on.

waited in the cold,

in the long line.

would they

run out of drink before

we got in?

bangers and mash?

Shepard's pie.

we weren't Irish,

but who cared?

it was all about

the beauties inside

with flashing green eyes

and flaxen hair.

leaving clues behind

there's a long

dark

hair

in the sink.

obviously not mine.

where you

here, did you slip

in while

i was asleep?

i see you helped

your self

to the last piece 

of cake.

so like you to leave,

always

leaving a a trace.

two brothers in Philly

my uncles,

Lenny and his brother

Johnny.

weren't exactly made men.

but they

played the part.

white caddies,

sharp suits

and hats,

always thumbing their

noses

at something.

taking

calls late at night.

talking Italian,

at the table

while eating mushrooms

in the dim afternoon

light.

they were always

loading boxes

of liquor into

the trunks of their cars.

they knew something,

or somebody.

it's just business 

i used to hear them say.

just business.

bagel in nyc

we found

a bagel shop on east 38th street.

the line was long,

down

the block.

it was cold, snow was

falling.

we huddled

against the building

and each other,

patient

as the line

inched forward.

we had time to decide.

butter or

cream cheese.

onion, or jalapeno.

plain?

maybe everything

with an egg

and bacon

tucked inside,

toasted on wheat.

i was so much older then

when we had long

hair

and record players,

beat up

vw buses,

beads and bongs,

leather

vest and boots,

bell bottoms, we said,

things like

far out man,

peace and love,

keep the faith baby,

right on,

i can dig it.

i hear that.

we had the same

clothes,

the same hair,

the same

takes on the world

that was yet

to come.

we were a strange army

of one.

so young, so young.

and in the end

without family,

true

fathers

and mothers. without

faith

and prayer,

without books

and

courtesy,

respect and compassion,

love.

you end up

with what the world

is now.

what the world needs now

if not called

to teach,

or preach, or to be

a doctor,

don't go.

don't overreach,

pick up

the hammer,

the wrench,

the paint brush.

get behind the plow

or broom.

besides love,

of course,

this is what

the world needs

now.

oceans, or land apart

no different,

each village, or town,

a risen city 

where once was forest

or farm.

it's the same

under each roof,

whether tin,

or thatched.

families beginning,

lives ending.

children off

to school.

fathers and mothers

to the work.

the aged finding

warmth

in given rooms.

despite oceans,

or land

apart,

or language, there is

no difference.

the piano teacher

i hear her

next door, the piano teacher,

playing,

after her students

have left,

gently striking

the keys.

it's soft.

melodic, sometimes she

sings.

we say hello

in passing, but

not much else, 

perhaps a casual

comment

on the wind

or rain.

a greeting come holiday.

i love her

in some strange

bewildering way,

her shy smile,

her slender hands,

but the walls

between will always

keep

us

at bay.

don't tell me the truth

give me the good news.

leave out

the bad.

i've had enough bad news

for one lifetime.

give me a smile,

a song and a dance.

tell me a joke.

juggle for me.

do anything but tell me

the truth.

i'm done with that.

he brings cold water

he remembers

me,

the Chinese guy

as i come

back after years

of absence

for something crispy

and sweet.

he's the guy

who pours water

from table to table

never letting

them

go dry.

even after a sip,

he'd be over

with his cold

clear jug of water

and smile,

topping off your glass.

we never talked,

never said a word

to each other,

just a wink and a nod,

but we knew each

better than

i've known life long

friends.

Party Lights

my father

put a string of colored lights

on his balcony.

party lights.

at sixty-five

he was still drinking and smoking,

sleeping

with lipsticked floosies

in plastic pants.

his one bedroom apartment

was near the Navy Yard

in Little Creek.

a dive bar nearby,

lit up the sky with a sign

that read

Liver and Onions,

all week.

live music,

Friday and Saturday

night.

he could see the ships

from his

window,

the planes floating by,

hear the trains

on the track as everyone

but him

was leaving, getting

on with 

their life.

eggs over easy

when the calls

stopped coming, she still insisted

she was

an actress.

a star. tomorrow, tomorrow

she'd whisper.

i caught her

on the downside

of it all.

fading,

the petals falling to the floor,

the stem

broken.

a waitress

at the diner,

but she still put on a good

show.

despite just me she

performed for.

i know how you like your

eggs, she'd say

with a sexy smile,

you like them like you

like your women,

over easy.

you're dead to me

how dare you,

he says,

how dare you call me out,

expose

me for my life long

lack

of empathy

and bad behavior.

the nerve of you

to criticize,

and turn the mirror

to my face.

listing the innumerable

lies,

and self serving

mistakes.

the nerve.

the audacity.

i'm done with you.

you're dead to me.

gather around, here's what happened

i can talk about

that year all

day.

get a stiff drink

in me

and i'll tell you everything

there is to

know,

i'll make ears ring

in bringing up the past.

i'll tell you

exactly what was said,

the time of

day or night,

the emotional weather

report,

i'll tell you each and

every lie,

i'll go down to the bone,

i'll trim the fat.

come on, gather

around.

but mind you, i'm prone

to embellish

once the drinks

go down,

it's hard for me to stick

to the facts.

i'm leaving now

there's more

poetry

more angst and sorrow

in leaving

than there is in

arrivals.

something about a train

disappearing

around the bend

of track,

a bus

in the rain,

a car, with a hand

out the window

giving

a last wave

that brings tears to

your eyes,

words

to the page.

sweet and sour musings

there are good cops,

and bad cops.

good lawyers,

sleazy lawyers, 

excellent doctors

and lazy doctors.

good chefs and bad

chefs.

great popes and not

so great popes.

friends and lovers too,

both

are either good

or bad.

the world is full of

not one type,

but two.

choose wisely which

ones you're with.

noir entanglements

i like a good mystery

as long as i'm

not a part of it.

cloak and dagger,

noir entanglements,

meticulously carved

who done its.

all well and good

on a rainy night,

not fit for man or

beast to travel, but

just leave me out of it

keep it fiction

and not real life.

escape number three

when you get over

the barbed wall,

past the dogs

and searchlights,

the guards with guns,

through

the sewage tunnel

and out

and into the open road,

beyond.

you don't look back

you run and run and run.

press two

the time

you've wasted is immeasurable.

playing games,

watching

tik tok.

staring into your phone

at inconsequential

information

and texting babble

to contacts.

we've officially arrived

at the end of times.

press one

for an operator, press

two

if you want to be taken

off this planet.

the seven dollar cupcake

why are your cupcakes

so expensive

i ask the woman

behind the counter.

she's wearing

an apron with a giant

heart

embroidered

on the front. the image

of a cupcake

inside.

she smiles at my question.

we use the best

ingredients,

the purest

sugars and cream,

fillings.

organic eggs, and one

thing that can't be measured.

what's i that, i ask.

each cupcake is made with love.

yeah.

i tell her, but seven dollars

for a cupcake?

i can go buy a box of pillbury's

cake mix

and make a dozen for about

three dollars.

next, she says. pointing

at the door,

telling me to leave.

no cupcake for you.

no one will save you

no one 

is coming to save you.

there's no

rope being tossed

your way,

no ladder,

or float

as you tread water

inside the waves.

there's no hose 

to put out the fire.

it's all on you.

always has been,

time to wake up.

seize the day.

coming into money

there's carpenters,

painters,

floor men,

tile workers, plumbers.

roofers

and landscapers.

what isn't being done?

i see a new stove arrive.

she's come into

money,

i can see that by

her chin being up,

the spring in her stride.

someone with a friendly

will

has died.

the broken wheel

is it karma,

destiny, fate, divine

intervention

or 

punishment

that i get the shopping

car

with the broken wheel

nearly

every time.?

busy with life

the frenzy

of spring, of trees

and bush,

flowers

peeking

out from the ground.

the animals busy

with 

life.

bees too.

and then there's me

and you.

starvation diet

i help my

vegetarian friend Olive

up from the couch.

her legs are about

to give way.

she's only fifty

but looks closer

to ninety-five,

sallow cheeks,

sunken eyes.

she's pale, a little green from

all that broccoli

and kale.

she couldn't spell cat

if you spotted her

the c and the t.

she's not dumb, or has

special needs,

she's just malnourished

from eating

nothing but

legumes and beans.

yesterday i caught

her crying,

because she was too weak

to open

a bag of peas.

the dinner bells are ringing

i know

that dinner is ready. because

i can hear the smoke alarm

going off.

the neighbors

are knocking on the door.

someone's rescue

dog is howling.

the firetruck

is on the way., i can hear

the scream of sirens.

i turn the burner off.

again

the sweet butter

and onions have burned

around my steak.

the final meal request

the survey says,

though it's hard to check

it's validity

as being factual,

says that

nine out of ten

people

in line for the electric

chair,

who are about to walk

the green mile,

pick Popeyes chicken

as their last meal.

four piece spicy,

extra crispy,

with Cajun rice and fries

and a large

coke on ice.

not to mention the apple

pie, warmed up.

zapping dots on skin

the dermatologist

is a detective

of sorts.

with a keen

eye she examines you

before you remove

your shirt,

your shoes and socks,

your shorts.

ah ha, she says, pointing

with her gloved

finger at a spot

upon your neck,

hold still, this

won't hurt a bit.

taking out the garbage

i need the big bags,

the green

garden bags,

those outdoor bags

that hold leaves

and debris,

garbage of all sorts.

i need those bags

for this job.

fifty gallon bags with

twist ties.

black and thick, ones

that won't break when full.

they'll do for this task

of clearing out your things,

when getting rid of you.

our fickle hearts

i see a kid

with a stick making a heart

in the wet

cement of

the new sidewalk.

it's just been paved.

he looks at me and smiles

as he draws

a heart

and puts

his initials inside,

then a plus sign 

with the letter K.

ten minutes later,

he's back,

and scrapes K

away, replacing

it with 

the letter R.

the day is young,

the cement is wet,

and there's still time

to change his mind,

again.

Debbie from Winchester?

the text comes in at three forty-seven

in the morning.

hi,

it says.

how are you?

i roll over and stare at the phone,

nervous to look,

thinking

that someone has died.

hi, it says again

with a loud ding.

this is Debbie.

Debbie from Alexandria?

i ask.

or Debbie from Dallas?

Boston?

my sister Debbie?

Debbie in Seattle?

no reply.

she's mad i guess that've i've taken

her number

out of my phone.

oh well.

back to sleep.

nine hours eating crabs

on the eastern shore,

they like crabs.

they like to sit at a picnic table

covered in newspapers

for nine

hours and pick crabs.

they have mallets

and pliers,

screw drivers,

wrenches and knives.

it's not easy work pulling

out measly bits

of crab meat

from rock hard shells,

but they do it,

fueled with beer,

and hush puppies.

when they dig out a large

piece from a claw,

they hold it up,

waving it in the air,

they dance around

to show it to each other,

rewarded with oohs and ahhs,

a round of applause.

there's tubs of butter

and vinegar on the table,

stacks of napkins.

their bibs are on, their

fingers are bleeding,

but the sun is still up,

barely,

though they're not quite

full, not yet.

still hungry after nine hours.

make room,

here comes another

steamed dozen.

what kind of a person are you?

the girl scout's mother

gives me

the evil eye

as i walk by.

she yells at me as i cross

the street

with my bag of apples.

no thin mints,

this year?

she yells.

what kind of a person

doesn't stop

and buy girl scout cookies?

you're one of those,

eh, she says.

okay, okay.

just go on your way, 

just have yourself a nice

day without

cookies.

yeah. that's right.

don't even look back.

keep walking stingy.

special delivery

the cardboard

box

on the porch, says,

this side

up.

fragile.

arrows point in a skyward

direction.

an array

of stamps are stuck

to the top.

no forwarding

address.

i tilt it back forth,

it's heavy,

then put my ear to the side,

there's no ticking,

no breathing,

what or who's inside

is anyone's guess.

take up a hobby

take up a hobby,

the man says, don't retire without

a plan.

go fishing.

play golf.

travel.

maybe photography

is your thing,

or cooking.

take a class.

oil painting, perhaps.

i laugh. it all seems

like work to me,

i tell him.

maybe i'll just keep

working.

i'm very happy with that.

doing without

if i run out of something

i do without.

i don't go knocking

from door to door,

asking to borrow

a cup of sugar

or cup of flour.

i wait it out, 

like i've done 

with all things,

patient , 

and working hard

for what i need

to come about.

the birthday card

as

years went by,

the cards

became smaller,

with a quarter taped

inside.

no longer

affording

a single dollar.

with love and wishing

it was more,

how hard,

this mother tried.

the blue jacket

her

jacket. blue

and worn, pocket

torn,

her favorite,

it kept her warm.

left behind.

on purpose?

watch your step

the tack

you step upon in the early

morning

before the sun

spits out

what little light allowed

on this overcast day,

awakens you

to what

the world is.

or can be if you don't watch

your step.

tomorrow's another day

there are some

days

when you don't feel like

putting on

your boots and overalls

and going down

to the hen house to gather eggs.

you don't feel

like milking

the cow today, or slaughtering

a pig or two.

you just feel tired

and want to sit in the chair

on the front

porch and stare at all

that hay that needs

mowing.

tomorrow's another day,

Scarlet.

i'll lock up before i go

no need to talk it out

anymore.

a brisk

walk will do you good.

take the umbrella

i tell her,

and the dog,

and your phone,

and put on your raincoat,

it's cold.

maybe one

day, i'll see you down

the road,

but don't hold your breath.

i'll lock up

before i go.

farewell.

good luck with the path

you chose.

unwanted love in the shower

you would think

that

most people would do whatever

they can

to avoid jail

time.

but apparently not.

the prisons are full

of knuckleheads

who've skirted the law.

who've

robbed banks,

or pummeled someone

for short dough.

who would want

the orange jumpsuit,

the shaved head

for lice,

the cell,

the hard bed.

the possibility

of getting

unwanted love in the shower?

why not

walk the line

on the outside and avoid

such things.

keep your nose clean?

but no.

it ain't so.

filling the void

as men,

we need

to fix things

right away.

in the rain or snow,

we pop

the trunk and lie

down on the road

to fix

the flat tire, whereas

the wife,

will say let's get it

tomorrow.

leave it here,

let's have it towed.

same goes for

love,

someone dies,

or gets divorced 

men are quick to try

and fill that space,

replace

whatever was in the void.

they're on it

the second the papers

are signed,

or often, way before.

the wedding registry

it's his third wedding,

her fourth,

or fifth, but who's counting.

they both

have kids

and toaster ovens,

mixing bowls and

oven mitts.

what could they possibly

need

as a wedding gift?

it's going to be a long

day at Target.

ear plugs, perhaps,

for both, one size fits all.

we need a spa day

imperfect

we are. misfits in our own

way.

whether in the flesh

or mind.

we're not all

perfectly made.

some defects have

occurred

at the factory,

some wear and tear

over time.

there's a leg that shakes,

a fluttering

of eye,

a stammer,

a broken this or that,

our warranties have

expired. (hearts seem

to go first.)

we could all use

an oil

change these days,

a tune up,

and some air in

the tires.

a wash and wax. maybe

a long spa day.

over the moon

it's nothing really.

we make

more of it than it deserves.

what does it do

to get such attention?

but poets and lovers.

astronomers

and children.

stare into its face.

point up at its shape,

it's brightness

and color,

and say look, look at the moon

tonight.

it's just a rock, a lifeless orb

reflecting sunlight

in the sky

and yet

a thousand times

a thousand

poems have been penned

about it.

yes.

it's just the moon,

just the moon.

but i can't imagine

a world without it.

animal based diet

i eat meat.

pretty much just meat

and eggs.

bacon

butter

beef.

a little pork, a little

poultry,

but that's about it.

anything with a face

goes in the pan.

sauteed,

broiled or baked.

no more

processed foods,

no oils.

no sugar.

i've never felt better

without

vegetables

and fruit,

weight down,

blood pressure down.

inflammatory issues

subdued.

come on over sometime.

how do you like

your steak?

what time is it?

all of the battery powered

clocks on the walls

don't need to be changed

today.

i never changed them last year

when the time fell back.

so now they're all on time.

it took a while,

a year in fact.

but it's all good now.

birthday best wishes

i read

what's written on the birthday card,

a few weeks

late,

but that's okay.

i read the words,

best wishes.,

love, so and so.

i wonder what that means.

what are best

wishes?

i wish they could be more

specific

with their feelings towards

me.

i need something more original,

unique.

something from

the heart like.

if i was there

i'd hug you, and squeeze

the bejeebies out

of you.

a good love story

i like a good love story.

boy meets

girl.

they fall in love and live

happily

ever.

but not too mushy.

it's not Christmas, the snow

isn't falling,

no one owns a horse,

or a ranch,

or is coming home to their

hometown

for the holidays

to take over their sick mother's

gift shop.

there's little or no angst.

no confusion.

no doubt,

no other dopes in the picture

mucking

up the love they

have for each other.

no one gets sick at the end,

develops a tumor,

like Ali McGraw.

no crap like that happens.

every day they wake up

and look into one another's

eyes and can't believe

their luck. 

they've always been

loyal, honest, compassionate

and kind from day one,

and stay that way 

until the end

of time.

heading south

i tell people that

i'm heading south for the winter.

they say where, Florida,

Miami?

St. Pete's perhaps?

no, i tell them.

i'm sleeping in the room

in back

of the house.

it has great sunlight,

southern exposure.

i'll even crack a window,

if it gets too hot.

close to zero

it's close

to zero in this house,

but i have you here

to hold

beneath the layers

of blankets and sheets,

the quilted

folds.

i know

you prefer

it cold, with snow

falling

from the ceiling,

the thermostat

on

the frigid end

of low.

but thankfully

i have you here to

keep me warm.

clever you are, that

we both

know.

the nature of cats

i know

the cat doesn't care.

not really.

basic needs, perhaps,

but little else.

if i never came home again,

so what.

i get it.

it's her choice to be aloof,

distant.

quiet.

i completely understand

the nature

of cats.

the nature of you.

they're listening

there's someone

on other line listening.

i can hear

them breathe, taking notes

with

ear to the floor,

to the wall,

eavesdropping,

being nosy.

they want to know what

i'm up to.

good luck with that

because i don't

even know.

welcome home

the shrimp

shells

in the waste basket

tell

you that you've been gone

for a few

days.

too long.

mail is on the floor,

the machine

is lit up.

there's a note on

the door

for a delivery

that now needs to be

picked up.

the clocks need to be

set forward.

one is now

two o'clock.

welcome

home again, the mat

says.

welcome home.

the big flea market extravaganza

i unfold my long table

and set it up in the yard

for the big flea market sale.

it's a yearly thing

in the neighborhood.

i bring out a chair

some lemonade

and cookies for the kids.

it's basically the same things

i tried to sell last year.

marked down

fifty cents or so.

i have a clock that doesn't tick,

any more but

makes bird noises if you shake it.

there's a black pair

of pants from a rented tuxedo

on a hangar

and a box of bent forks

and spoons

i tried to use as tools,

some cracked beer mugs,

a few old wedding rings

and bars of packaged soap

from the Hilton Hotel,

a rusted colander and

a pair of brown shoes,

without laces.

on an easel, i stand up

an old portrait of five

dogs playing poker.

then place

a worn copy of Franny

and Zooey,

not signed, of course,

next to a book called

Tips for a Healthy

Marriage, unused,

basically brand new.

it's going to be a long

day, so

i apply sunscreen liberally

all over me.

the sun can be brutal in

the late afternoon

it's not dating, it's Antiquing

i ask my friend Sally Sue

how her online

dating search is going.

she tells me to shut up

and pour me another glass of wine.

it's more like antiquing.

she says,

throwing down the Merlot.

everyone is old, i'm old,

you're old.

all my friends are old.

i'm tired of looking at old

men holding fish up

in their pictures.

they want to talk about

their boats and motorcycles.

hunting.

just shoot me.

i cringe when i see them

walking into the bar

like it's the march of the penguins,

bald and limping.

fat and pink.

bitter from a few bad marriages.

most of them wanting to

have a few drinks

then take me home in an

effort to get my clothes off.

and if they do,

it's not working.

it's a wet noodle down there.

and by the way, in all honesty,

i hate museums.

the last guy i met 

took me to the Holocaust Museum

downtown.

that was fun. really got me

in a romantic mood.

next week some guy

from Baltimore wants to 

take me to the Bible Museum.

do you have anymore wine?

Tequila?

the daily war

we had

a long dirt yard,

dirt

because of the dogs.

but it was

a battlefield for our

toy soldiers

our tanks,

our guns.

every war was won.

it was never even

close.

we spent

hours

upon hours in the dirt,

making

war noises,

grunts and groans,

bullets flying, bombs

exploding

until

my mother

yelled

through the screen door.

wash up,

dinner is on.

the guilt never leaves you

i went for a long stretch

as a child,

then stopped, then started

again.

i've been off and on

with

this church thing.

forever.

the sex scandals and child

abuse didn't

help much,

nor did the constant collecting

of money.

i made it to the big

holy days

of course, but even

that dwindled down

to Easter.

now it's more of what

can i get there

that i can't get at home.

i have knees,

i know how to pray.

i know about remorse

and regret, confession.

i know all of these things.

do i really need a middle man?

the guilt of not going

has never left though

childhood

made sure of that.

his good ear

i speak

into his good ear.

the other one is full,

no more

words can fit in there.

it's heard

enough for one lifetime.

good news

and bad news, each

taking a turn.

i speak into his good ear.

it's good

to have at least one,

saying what

needs to be said before,

that one too

is done.

the next train out

if i catch the scent,

one hint,

one waft of drama,

one small

taste of your crazy

side,

i'm done,

gone.

packed

and on the road again.

i travel

light, sleep light

with one eye open,

keys

in hand.

bags packed by the door.

give me a reason.

one

argument, one bit of

chaos

and so long.

building with brick

i prefer the wall.

the bricks

laid down, one on top

of the other

into the mush of mortar.

i like

how it hardens.

keeps

trouble out.

no need for a window

or a door,

or vent.

hand me another brick,

we're almost

done here.

show yourself out

before the last brick

is laid,

before you're trapped

in.

eggshells underfoot

best

we don't talk.

stay quiet. just pass one

another

in the hall

as if all is okay.

the weather

is permissible

to exchange thoughts

on wind

and rain,

but that's it, and even

that

my cloudy day,

is your

sunny day.

we may never agree

on anything again.

still the same

can we

change. no.

yes

we can grow taller,

our waists

can expand, 

our faces can grow

older,

but do we change

from who we really,

hardly.

i've yet to see it happen

in a woman,

or a man.

we were both wrong

she would

go up to Canada in the summer

and ride

horses.

she'd live

in the cold country,

near the ocean.

for months i heard

nothing

from her.

but she felt close

just the same.

i believed that i missed

her and that

she missed me.

we were both wrong.

your soapbox

believe

what you want.

pick your God,

or Gods.

or lack,

thereof.

pick your politics,

red or blue,

decide on 

your choice of diet,

your own

way of living.

it's your life

to win,

your life to lose,

there's use

preaching to me,

or i to you.

a word from our sponsors

when we arrived

on the moon

after a harrowing start blasting

off from earth,

it was touch and go for awhile,

something about

the excess amount of carbon

monoxide

in the cabin,

but we made it just the same.

unfortunately

the glass on the inside

of my helmet was

glazed over

with condensation

so my take

on mother earth

is a blurry mess.

i should never have eaten

those tortilla wraps

with hot sauce

and peppers, but Taco Bell

was one of

our main sponsors, in fact

there's several logos

on the side of our space

module.

Electrolyte Plus for leg cramps, 

Ban deodorant,

Depends Diapers, and 

Listerine, extra strength,

and the most important 

sponsor of all,

Imodium.

the aging rebel

given time,

the rebel settles down.

bumps in the

road

have slowed him.

health

and age.

that bad knee giving

him a limp.

no more ranting

and raving

about the world.

no more endless diatribes

about what's wrong.

no more marches and

protests.

that's all done.

he's found the big

chair

in the corner now.

if you listen

hard enough,

you can hear him snoring.

three p.m.,

is nap time.