the guilt never leaves you

i went for a long stretch

as a child,

then stopped, then started

again.

i've been off and on

with

this church thing.

forever.

the sex scandals and child

abuse didn't

help much,

nor did the constant collecting

of money.

i made it to the big

holy days

of course, but even

that dwindled down

to Easter.

now it's more of what

can i get there

that i can't get at home.

i have knees,

i know how to pray.

i know about remorse

and regret, confession.

i know all of these things.

do i really need a middle man?

the guilt of not going

has never left though

childhood

made sure of that.