i answer another robo call,
why not?
i have nothing else to do.
it's the end
of life insurance man
from Pakistan.
Mutual of Omaha, the branch
office, i guess.
i can hear roosters crowing,
sheep bleating,
and gunshots
in the background.
after
twenty-seven minutes, deep
into
the conversation,
he tells me
that i'm
healthy as a horse.
i ask him why is he comparing me
to a farm animal.
he says,
i'm sorry,
it was meant to be a compliment.
i tell him not
to say stupid things like that
again or he might
lose a client.
he says, okay, then
tells me his name is Sam Castro.
i ask if he's related to
Fidel Castro,
the dictator in Cuba, to which
he says no.
who's that?
do people kid you about your
name, i ask.
make fun of you?
no, he says, taking a bite
of something.
a kabob, maybe,
chewing loudly on the phone.
but at least it's not Joey Hitler,
or Bobby Mussolini,
i tell him.
what? he says,
okay, okay,
clearing his throat,
let's move on.
he's asks me about
every possible
illness on earth,
excluding Ebola,
the bird flu,
and leprosy.
to all of which i've said,
nope,
haven't had those either.
he asks
me about the weather,
i get up and go to the window
and tell him
it's cloudy out.
he asks what my hobbies are,
what i had for breakfast,
do i have any pets,
how much do i weigh, how
tall am i,
do i live alone.
i tell him that i prefer cremation.
the cheapest
of the burial insurance
policies.
a little gasoline, a match
and let the ashes
float into the air.
only seventy dollars a month
until death.
i tell him my beneficiaries
are my daughter,
Jenna Thalia,
and my son, Jack Hoffman.
he types that into his computer
after i correct his spelling.
he needs only
my social security numbers
and banking
account numbers
to seal the deal.
i can almost hear his heartbeat
flutter, the
gurgling
of dopamine
in his veins,
as he waits for my
last piece of information.
i look at the time, he's been
on the phone now
for 87 minutes
and counting.
my record is ninety-one minutes.
i'm not sure
if i can get past that
with this guy. oh well, another
call will be
coming in soon.
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