the bucket list of what not to do

people have bucket lists

of things they want to do before

they die,

places

they need to go to before

they meet

their maker in the sky.

but i have a different list.

a list of things

i never want to do again,

or places

i no longer want to go to.

the dentist for one,

twice a year is killing me.

the DMV

for another.

a greasy garage to get my

car inspected,

Jiffy Lube.

i never want to lie

on a table again for a colonoscopy.

or want to eat Ethiopian

food, or eat

raw seafood.

i will never again slurp a raw

clam into my mouth

covered in tabasco sauce.

i have no desire to

sit at a picnic table for nine

hours cracking

crabs open with a wooden

mallet and a pair of pliers.

i will no longer attend a rock

concert

and rush the stage at the conclusion

like i did when i

was 18

and Grand Funk Railroad

was playing

I'm Getting Closer to My Home

for an hour.

no more operas and symphonies

are on the list,

as well as,

a blue grass festival

in the Blue Ridge Mountains,

while sipping

a mountain dew.

never again will i stand on a river

bank and wait

for a slimy

fish to bite my hook.

i will not attend any event where

a speech is made.

or travel south of the border

to Cancun.

i promise myself to no longer climb

a 40 foot ladder

to paint a thin piece of wood

on a roof.

and number one on the list is

to never

get married again,

or have someone move in.