the familiar

we are,

as the cliche says,

creatures

of habits.

we find what we like

and stick

to it.

we find comfort

in the familiar

and resist change

despite

the benefits of

doing so.

we're stuck, sort of,

but so it

goes.

a hair brained idea

i decide not to shave

for a month.

let nature take its course.

go the Hemingway route

with facial hair,

or that guy on

the corner with the cardboard

sign and bucket

of change.

i run it by my significant other.

she looks at me

and frowns.

okay, she says reluctantly,

lifting up one of her

sleek long legs,

but only if i do the same.

and stop shaving

for a month too.

i quickly see what a bad

idea this has become.

when cows run free

there used

to be a time when we worried

if the cows

got out of the barn,

or field,

the fence broken

on the lower forty.

that was everything.

we had the world

tied up

in cows,

but now

it's when the power

goes out.

what the hell.

how can life continue?

i can't log on.

where are we going to keep all these people?

they're building a new

prison

for the convicted felons,

former and future presidents

and congressmen

judges and lawyers,

cabinet members

and the like.

it won't be like Attica though,

it will be more

like the Roosevelt Hotel

back in its heyday.

it will be comfy

and nice with

queen sized beds,

wi-fi and bluetooth,

pickleball courts and with

conjugal visits

on weekend nights.

talk to the hand

you often mistake

me for someone

that cares.

someone interested in your life,

your problems.

your situations,

your penchant for crying

over spilled milk,

and the rain.

do you think i really

care about all your

unsolvable crisis,

your imaginary pains?

maybe i used to,

back when i didn't know

who you really were,

maybe then,

when it was

early in the game.

but that was then,

but no more,

so talk to the hand.

take me to your leader

everyone wants to see

the manager

when things go wrong.

this is intolerable.

get me the manager, we

scream.

i want to talk to your

supervisor,

someone in charge here.

i demand satisfaction.

take me to your leader.

do you know who i am?

flash back while lying in bed

so what's going

on

in the world today, she asks

me

as we lie

in bed.

no radio on,

no phone in hand.

no television

blaring

from the nightstand.

who knows, i tell her.

let's pretend it's 

1960 again.

the rising of bread

it's easy,

baking bread.

there's little science to it.

just a matter

of following a few

simple

directions.

flour and yeast,

water,

having a stove.

a table,

a knife, a plate,

butter.

and a long

morning ahead.

opening the windows

it's cool enough

to open

the windows around the house.

nice

to not have the buzz

of air conditioner

humming

in the yard.

it's a spring wind, full

of hope and promise.,

new beginnings,

but like many

times before,

i've often been wrong.

what's the worst that could happen?

a man knocks at the door,

a stranger

wearing

a utility company vest

and hat.

a tool bag around his

waist.

he wants access to the yard

to fix or replace

something

that doesn't seem broken.

he wants to install

an energy saver,

who doesn't want that?

i let him in.

he seems to know what

he's doing.

what's the worst that could

happen?

something i've said

several times

while standing

at the altar.

the end of the world as we know it

you love his movies.

but

you've changed your mind

about him

when you

see him standing out on

the streets of the city,

ranting and raving

about how it will be

the end of the world

if someone

is elected president again.

he sounds insane,

a rambling madman,

senile and old.

his true self revealed

without a script in hand.

he's become

an incoherent crazy person

preaching lies

and fear. 

no matter who's side 

you're on,

it's all very weird.

but you still love his

movies just

the same.

Sinatra may have been 

a dope too,

but you still like his music.

you're not gonna hurt her, are you?

her mother

made

me sit down with her father,

Angelo

from the old country,

and ask

for his permission to marry

his youngest

daughter. Delores.

i gulped and sat down

in the dark

corner of his little

man cave.

he put down his girly

magazine,

and his

Ballantine beer can,

and stroked his mustache.

he lit a cigar

and offered me one.

i said, no,

but he insisted.

i choked on the stale air,

my eyes watered

and my throat felt like it

was bleeding.

so tell me, boy, he said.

what do you want to ask me?

oh, nothing,

really.

i was just thinking that maybe

Linda and i could

get married

in the spring.

he sat up from his chair

and put his hand

on my knee.

you're not gonna hurt my

little girl are you?

because if you are i have

friends that will want to talk

to you.

capiche?

we stood up and he shook

my hand. don't worry son,

he said.

we'll get you a job down

at the docks

before the wedding.

then her mother called us in

for a plate of gnocchi and sausages.

no more little don rickles

you have to be careful

these days

with your words.

you can't call anyone

fatso anymore,

or string bean,

or tubby, or even big boned.

you can't

point at someone and say

look at that scarecrow

over there.

that rack of ribs.

you can't say i smell

a hint of mint,

or that fellow is light

in the loafers.

no one teases each other

anymore.

how do little 

wise cracking kids survive

in this world

with such

restrictions.

they're cancelled before

they're out

of the first grade.

the chemistry teacher

Mr. Reid,

a former marine,

who stormed the beaches

of Normandy,

taught chemistry

at our school,

G. Gardner Shugart.

he wore thick

shop glasses

and a bow tie

and brought his lunch

to work

in a paper bag.

he used to throw unruly

boys

up against the lockers

and put

his hands

around their neck and warn

them

that the next time

they bully anyone

again

or cause a ruckus

in the school

there would be

consequences of a painful

kind.

it was a peaceful

year,

that year

in the seventh grade,

thanks to him.

don't answer that

we send things into space,

satellites

and cameras,

instrument laden balls

of metal

with probes coming

out of their skin

to see

if there's anyone

out there

amongst the stars,

any living thing.

maybe there is, maybe

there isn't.

or maybe 

they're just like me,

not answering the door,

when the bell rings.

sage advice

i call the broker

to see

how long the money will last

if i quit

working today.

she tells me,

another fifty years

or so,

if keep living the way

i do.

but there's no guarantee.

there could be a war,

you could get sick,

you could do something stupid

like get married again

and give it all away,

but if you keep your nose clean

and don't buy a boat

or a beach house.

or get involved again with

some bleached blonde

bimbo chick.

you've got fifty years of

savings under

your belt.

just remember,

whatever you do, don't live

like you're rich.

i don't trust you

i don't trust

you

with that knife in your hand.

sure,

you're just slicing

a bagel

to toast

and then slather on

a swab of

cream cheese, but what

could happen

between then and now

if you wanted

to?

let it be known,

i'm keeping my eye

on you.

the indigo earth

let's blame

it on the rain, the overcast

day.

the indigo

earth,

the shadows

and shade.

let's not go to the real

reason

for your darkness.

let's not

talk about

the past, your age.

the boredom

of the repetitious day.

let's turn

it all sunny side up,

and smile.

why let them know

your pain?

communion

it's a congregation

of feathers

in the back yard.

a gathering of birds

on the fence.

they've arrived to worship

at the swing

of the bird feeder.

a green tin steeple

hung by a wire.

they are at peace

with one another,

waiting patiently for

their turn

at the seed.

lingering in the past with coffee

when i finish

my coffee i go out and get another

cup of coffee.

i can't read

the newspaper without

coffee.

how is that possible?

although

it's a smaller cup

and a thinner

paper now.

both costing five dollars

minus the tip.

sweat pants and crocs

are there any

sharp dressed men left

on the planet

with

crisp shirts

and Italian suits,

silk ties,

and shined shoes?

has that style

and look become

a thing of the past,

a costume of sorts

worn for weddings

and funerals,

award ceremonies?

the world is awash

in sweatpants and crocs,

it needs to come back.

under a spell

it's the devil, no doubt,

that makes

me

ruminate and think back

on

troubles

long gone.

what healthy mind

does that,

keeping me stuck

in the mud

of past

mistakes.

surely it's demonic

forces at

work,

making me feel guilty,

uneasy,

uncertain

about my life,

wondering if i should

have gone

left

and not right.

dumb bells

i ask my personal trainer,

Amber,

who has arms

that bulge with muscles

and veins,

i ask her

why they call them dumb bells,

these weights

attached to bars.

why do they attribute

a negative

adjective to an inanimate

object?

what's up with

that? i ask her.

she looks at me

and laughs.

who cares, she says, now

get on the floor fat boy,

and give me twenty.

then she puts her boot

on my back.

cigarettes

cigarettes.

the ashes

delicately dropped

into squared crystal

glasses, the suave

coolness

of the smoke,

props 

of a different era.

the way it lingered in

the air

filled

with words 

deftly spoken.

a drink in

the other hand.

sexy and intelligent,

smart and brave,

pick your brand.

and now

you think the opposite

when seeing

the likes of 
Audrey on the silver screen,

or the Marlboro man.

she sends me a picture of a flat tire

she sends me

a picture

from her phone of

the flat tire

on her car.

no words, no explanation,

no, i'm sorry but i won't

be able to

make it tonight.

no apology whatsoever.

just the picture of 

a black tire

flat as a pancake in someone's

driveway.

i send her a picture

of a roasted

chicken, with small

potatoes

and green beans, 

and a bottle of red wine.

chocolate mousse

in ramekins. then

me with a fork

in hand

by candlelight.

i forgive you for whatever it was you did

at last i get an apology.

but

i've already

let it go.

i can barely remember

what the problem

was,

what happened between us.

it's ancient history now.

but i accept

the apology and say

something

like, 

you're forgiven,

for whatever you did,

but

just don't let it happen again,

okay?

or we'll no longer

be friends.

you're overdue again for x-rays

i ask

the dentist why so many x-rays.

every other

visit

is 400 hundred dollars

plus two

hundred

for cleaning

and making my gums bleed,

nagging me

about flossing,

and grinding my teeth.

and for what,

there

are no cavities,

no issues to be dealt

with.

i lie there with the lead

vest in my lap

and listen

to the click click click

of the x-ray machine.

it sounds

like the meter

in a cab lost in New

York City, then I peer out

the window

at the new Land Rover,

she owns,

pristine and clean.

it's all very clear now.

cha ching.

the disappointments

the disappointments

add up

over time.

the one you didn't love enough

expresses it

with words and a cold

sigh.

you see it in her eyes.

your boss,

is disappointed

in your effort, your

lack of enthusiasm

for the job.

your neighbors look at

your lawn

and shake their heads.

even your dog, is sad

about

how it's treated.

the short walks, 

the hard

food in bowl is no

surprise.

when you look in 

the mirror you're 

even disappointed

in yourself at times.

the splinter

a tiny

splinter, a slender

pointed

chip of wood

embedded

in the skin, will change

your life,

stop

the trains.

nothing much will

matter

until this is made

right.

two scoops of rocky road on a sugar cone

i see one of the activists

working

at the ice-cream store.

he's wearing

a little cardboard

hat,

and a pink smock with

the strings

tied around his back.

the last time i saw him

he was on the news

wiping tear gas

out of his eyes, being

handcuffed and shoved

into the back of a squad

car. expelled from school.

finally after perusing all

the bins,

i make my decision and

i ask him for two

scoops of rocky road

on a sugar cone.

he complies.

he's one of us, at last.

a movie star death

when a movie star dies,

we gasp.

how is this possible, this

idol

of the silver screen,

this singular

empire

of riches.

handsome and charming

beyond reason.

how can a person like

this die?

impossible it seems.

uncle Louie,

with his cigars and drink,

yes,

but not this guy.

walking without shoes

when

you remove your shoes

and walk

across

the earth in bare feet,

sockless,

without leather

or leaves

to protect

the soles of your

feet

you realize how far

away you are

from reality.

how unscathed you are,

how out of touch

you are

with what's

really going on.

closed at dark

as the woods

darken,

and you have three more

miles to

get back to your car,

the animals come out.

their eyes

flashing

in the lowered sun.

they're surprised

that you're

still here, walking through

the park.

with no weapons

in hand,

no flashlight.

they look

at each other and shrug,

they discuss

amongst themselves

who

gets the first bite.

the tv guide

there were

four

channels back then.

you knew where the game

was

being televised.

what time,

what day.

it was all documented

in a thing

called the TV Guide,

which was

printed daily.

but now,

it's an Easter egg hunt

trying

to find the channel,

the network,

the day

and time.

they want more money

for your

viewership,

they want you to subscribe.

how quickly

i've lost interest 

in things that I've

loved watching

all my life.

not enough aspirin

a third

of my day is spent trying

to synch

a phone

to the car, the truck,

pairing it

to speakers

in my house.

to the television,

the computer,

to the world at large.

good lord

how i miss

the phone hanging on

the kitchen wall.

and the turntable

with an lp

spinning

out a song.

the mailman's pouch

i do my best complaining,

my most

true

admonishing by

word,

not by word of mouth,

but by

taking pen to paper, or

clicking away

on this keyboard,

then sending

said letters

out.

regret comes later, of course.

but there

is joy

and a delicious taste

in my mouth

once the stamp

goes on, and the mail

is in the mailman's

pouch.

small bumps in the road

it's disappointing.

the flat tire,

being out of milk,

the power

going out

during a favorite show,

and the rain coming

down.

but all is well.

not setbacks or bad

times,

just

small bumps in a road

that's been

quite smooth

lately,

very straight and calm

since you've

been gone.

another brown egg

how many

eggs

have i cracked on the edge

of this black

pan.

scrambled, or

turned over easy.

how many dozens

of eggs

have i eaten

in a lifetime?

with toast,

with bacon, with

hash browns?

washed down

with orange juice

and coffee?

who knows, who's counting?

i drop

the butter in

the middle,

then crack another.

the villages

she tells

me about her new golf cart

that she bought

after moving to

the villages in Florida.

she goes

on and on about pickleball

and dancing,

bowling

and concerts

at the park.

she's doing tai chi now

at the crack

of dawn.

it's a house like

all the others

she tells me, but i put

up my own

art.

i'm happy here,

although i wish there

were more

men

who weren't in walkers,

men who

fall asleep as soon as

it's dark.

you must come down

to visit.

hospice 101

she was

turned, every so often

in her narrow

bed,

fed

through a straw,

by infinitely

small spoons

meant for babies,

a soft gruel.

they kept

her alive

despite all wishes

for her death.

i can still hear

her

asthmatic whisper,

the squeal

of springs,

the bird at the window

pecking

at the glass

to come in.

my new sailboat

i stop buying coffee,

the bitter

six dollar a cup coffee

with

the fancy cups

and logo.

i stop

buying the stale bagels

and pastry

they sell too

at five bucks

a pop.

next week i'm buying a sailboat

with all the money

i've saved

from going there.

after that i'm cancelling

the newspaper.

i don't like the news.

flying in for the weekend

i think

she had several lives going on.

the flight

attendant.

i'd ask

her how she got

the bruises and cuts

around her wrists

and why

she had a black eye,

a swollen lip.

she'd smile and wink,

and would tell me

it's none of my business,

then give

me a long hard

kiss.

limitations

i forgive you,

and you

and you,

and of course you.

and let's not

forget about you, too,

but no,

not you.

my empathy has its

limitations and

i have to draw the line

somewhere.

the carousel horse

am i dizzy from

lack of sleep, or food,

or water.

or am i at the age

now where

getting up too quickly

makes

me feel out of sorts,

the world

spinning madly

like i just got off

a carousels horse.

ready for my close up

as i age,

i prefer the camera to be at a distance,

the shot

taken

with friendly

lighting

as i sit in the shade

of an old oak tree,

i pray there's still

a good side

to my face.

i'm reluctant, but

ready

for my close up after

telling

the photographer

to please

step back,

just a few more

yards away.

it's the olives in me

we like

to tell people we're part

this or that.

prideful

of our ethnicity.

it's the Italian

in me,

the Greek,

or the Hispanic

blood

making me cook

or think

the way i do.

it's the salsa in

me,

the rigatonis,

the olives

from some ancient

tree.

turn the music up.

where are my canastas?

my Bocchi ball,

my burrow from

Santorini.

watch me dance,

today i'm Zorba

the Greek.

avoiding hard labor

i don't want to fix

things.

rebuild,

save or rescue,

or to

have directions telling

me what

screw to use,

what nail.

i don't want a box

full of parts

anymore

with a picture of

the finished

product.

come to me whole

and ready

to go.

same as it ever was

as a child

church bored me.

the preaching,

the mystery of it all.

the robed

priests, the altar boys,

the nuns.

the smoke

and mirrors, 

the mass in Latin.

pressing us to fear God.

the horrible songs.

the collection box.

i felt bad about

myself,

the things i was doing

at ten, at eleven,

at twelve.

my thoughts,

my heart always filled

with guilt,

and never despite confession

and penance,

free of it all.

my knees still ache

from trying.

nothing has changed,

church still bores

me.

it's exactly the same.

don't be on their menu

we forget

the nature of animals.

wild beasts in the jungle.

even the ones

in the zoo.

they will bite

and kill you, 

they'll even eat you

if it

comes down

to that.

don't feed the bears,

or hold

a snake in your hands,

don't put your head

into an

alligator's mouth.

don't swim

with the sharks,

or wave a shirt

in front of a bull.

it's a mistake.

the end of you.

bring something to eat or drink to the picnic

bring something

to eat

or drink, the invite says

for

a picnic

on the holiday.

wear something red

white and blue.

i open the fridge,

then

the cupboard,

i'm down

to peanut butter

and

saltine crackers,

dill pickles,

or some

grapes going soft in

a bag.

i do have a jug of

tap water though.

maybe that.

i've always thought that

when you

invite people

to your house,

just bring yourself

and a friend.

that should do.

the scary ex-girlfriend

she tells me

in another letter,

another email,

another text,

that

just because

i check your

social media constantly,

and that

i drove by your house the other

day,

or dialed 

your number

and hung up, or

went by your work,

or visited the park

where

you like to walk, doesn't

mean i still

love you.

in fact i never did.

i hate you.

i'm just a psychopath

and love

to stalk.

bird brains

the bird

has found a home in the small

hole,

the unvented vent

in my

soffit.

a safe place above

the ground below.

i see her in the morning

worried

with her

eggs.

have they cracked yet.

have they

broken through

their shells to begin

their short

journey into the world.

but

the neighbor wants

them gone.

the noise and flapping

of wings

is bothering

their dog.

again i'm reported to

the condo

board.

animal children

some people

take

their dogs, their cats,

everywhere

they go.

to the store, the bank,

the coffee shop,

to the beach.

they want to share

their lives

with the animals,

not having

any kids.

they put hats on them,

clothing,

small jackets

and shoes on their

paws.

sunglasses.

the leash

was bad enough, but

now this.

it changed my life

when

i buy anything

anymore,

i look at the number of stars

attached

to the item.

i read the reviews,

the complaints,

the praises.

i get the inside scoop

from Linda

in Idaho

about how she loves

her new

mattress cover.

the one i'm perusing.

queen sized

and made of cotton.

it feels cool and comfortable,

i sleep

like i'm on a cloud,

she writes.

it's changed

my life.

i don't believe her.

political hair

the barber,

who gave me haircuts from the age of ten

until i was seventeen

used to stop

me on the street and

laugh

as he looked at my

long hair

down to my shoulders.

all of it held

back by a decorative

head band.

are you ever

getting your hair cut again?

he'd ask.

remember how

i used to part it on

the side

for you

and put Bryl creme

in your hair.

you were such a handsome

little boy.

i smiled and said,

we'll see.  maybe, 

once that war mongering

Nixon is out

of the white house,

maybe then.

unprivileged

am i spoiled?

yes.

i am.

i buy whatever i want

or need

at any given moment.

i eat

what i want,

drink what i want.

travel anywhere

i desire.

i have a roof over my head,

a car,

furniture and enough clothes

to last

a lifetime.

am i spoiled, yes.

but am

i privileged.

no.

after having nothing

and growing

up dirt poor

i worked my fingers

to the bone

to have

any of it. please don't

say i'm

privileged.

you have no idea what

you're talking

about.

cleaning the ice box

i remember my

mother

standing on a chair,

with old towels and sheets

on the floor

to collect the dripping

water

as the ice melted.

she chopped away

at the ice in the box,

the thick

layers of white frost.

slowly she chipped

away at

a small version of

the north pole.

she seemed to enjoy it.

a meditation of sorts.

getting it all

clean and shiny once

more.

tossing in the bags of

peas

and carrots

and ice trays at the end.

Tupperware containers

full of red sauce,

stuffing

the cold bin full

of wrapped meats,

before she closed the door.

cleaning the mail box

i open

up the mail bag,

the endless collection of new

and old

mail, whether

received or sent,

whether

spam

or significant.

slowly i sift through

the weeds,

the communications

of years gone

by.

people once in my

life,

and the ones

still nearby.

i take a cycle to the high

brush,

the low vines,

i clean house.

there's so much i save

that i really

don't need.

monkey uncle

i don't believe

we came

from monkeys.

or one

cell

electrified somehow

and then

a billion

living life forms

appear,

no matter how

many eons

or years

go by.

evolution is crazy

time.

explain to me the

evolution

of the human eye.

start there.

muscle less

tighten

the screw too much

and it

breaks,

the pipe

will leak, all hell will

break loose.

go easy

on the turn, the twists,

less is

more sometimes.

go soft

on each other,

muscle

less.

they can't let it go

they can't

let color go.

the pigmentation of skin.

black

brown, a shade

of white,

yellow.

every conversation seems

to head

that way.

whether in sports

or crime,

politics.

they can't let it go, 

they

need it to validate

some

convoluted point

with race.

and because of that it

will never

go away.

it's no longer about

the content

of character,

but the color of one's skin.

each generation

has to start all over

again.

i need some cutlery over here, please

the entire

restaurant goes silent,

the staff,

the waiters,

the customers at their

tables,

even the kitchen

goes quiet.

not a pot

or pan can be heard,

not a rattle,

or burst of steam.

you can hear crickets

chirping.

all because i asked for

a fork and knife,

not chopsticks

at Hunan West Peking.

who are these people?

somehow

i'm caught in a web

of group

texting.

plans are made, arrangements,

destinations,

rooms

are saved.

do i go,

or stay?

who are these people

anyway

and how did they get

my number?

forever young

who doesn't

want to turn back the clock

on age,

remove

the wrinkles, the sags,

the pain?

who doesn't want to return

to that golden

age

when youth was held

in hand.

when

immortality

was a reasonable thought

to have.

when tomorrows

were endless,

when love was easy

to find.

when the world seemed

new

and kind.

it's what i expected

the wall

takes four coats of red paint

before

the bleeding

stops.

one dries

and i roll out another

tray

of paint

onto the long

flat wall.

by late afternoon

it's finished.

but do i like it?

can i live with one

red wall?

maybe not.

maybe tomorrow i'll

go to back

to blue again.

coins in the fountain

i make a wish

and toss

a coin into the fountain.

she does

the same.

an hour later, she's on

the bus

heading home,

i'm traveling

in the opposite direction,

sitting on

a train.

dark attachments

let go.

that's the only phrase

you need

to know.

let go.

let go of toxic people.

let go

of bad jobs,

bad relationships,

bad houses,

bad

clothes, bad food.

bad music.

bad habits.

purge and burn.

let go of all things

that tie

you down,

dark attachments

defeat you.

let go. at last

be you.

retirement plans

the man

next door has retired.

i see

he's dyed his hair.

he's getting a tan.

he's

jogging.

he's doing jumping

jacks

in the courtyard.

he's in his garden,

he's raking

leaves.

he's power washing

the porch.

he's playing

music

and now he has a dog.

there's a red

sports car

where his truck used

to be.

the top is down.

i see women

coming to visit him.

bringing

him trays of food

and flowers.

they don't stay long.

they visit,

then they leave.

he's joining meetups

for hiking,

for cooking,

for bird watching.

i've never seen a man

once grumpy,

so happy

and free.

the first time

the first

taste, or view of anything

magnificent,

sticks

with you

for all your days.

the first time you step

upon the sand

and see the ocean,

the waves.

the first taste of love

knocking

you over.

your belly full of 

something you've never

felt before.

the stars at night, the first

time you really

lay in the summer

grass

and look up

and see

the sparkling lights.

you think it will pass,

but it doesn't,

it lasts.

another town all the same

you have a window with a view

of this

earth

as you speed by,

is any of it true?

is it a stage, are these

houses props,

these cars,

these people.

whose dog is that 

tied to a dying tree?

so many vines from

pole to pole,

to give light

to flat roof houses with

no shades

on the windows,

there's no shame,

or fear

as they towel themselves

looking into

mirrors.

just lives living out

the string.

living out the years.

around the next bend lies

another town.

all the same.

packaging

it's all about the packaging.

the plastic

wrapping

around

the treat

of sweets, and you.

the sheen,

the shine, the way the light

catches

the bright

paint

and hope of what might

be inside.

it's all a mystery

until

you unwrap it and take

a bite.

saving all the fool's gold

we save

and back up everything

as if it's all gold.

download

download,

click,

save.

data,

documents, texts

and numbers, pictures,

contacts

and all other forms

of human

debris.

into some cloud it all

goes.

into the box

at your feet.

somewhere it all

gets collected.

saved

regardless

of what it was.

a foreverness is promised

despite the fact

that the sun

will one day burn out

and all of it

and us

will be gone.

the best wedding ever

bored

with the day, with

the usual.

i go to a wedding

at the local

church.

it's a Catholic proceeding

so i have time

i put on my suit

and

spruce up.

i slip into the church

and when it ends

i follow the cars

to the party

at a fancy hotel.

i dance all night

with the bridesmaids.

i drink

i eat, i tell jokes

and make

new friends.

i help myself to a second

slice of cake

and wrap up a third to

take home

at three in the morning

after falling

in love with some

girl named Willow.

it may be the best wedding

i've ever been to,

including

all three of my own.

a picnic in the park

i feel encouraged

when

she suggests that we

go on a picnic

for our

third date. i have high

hopes,

and the butterflies

take off

in full flight.

i think not only of the birds

but of the bees too.

she tells me

everything she's bringing,

all the little sandwiches

and cakes,

the full menu.

strawberries and cream

for dessert.

and candies

wrapped

in gold jackets from

a store

i can't pronounce.

she has a basket and a

blanket,

a bottle of wine

and real glasses.

i ask her what i should bring,

she winks

and smiles

and says, 

just you and maybe an

umbrella in case it rains.

a short poor time

there was

funny tasting water from

the spigot

to the mouth

by hand.

an old apartment

building

with ancient pipes

full of rust

and

time.

three flights up

by stairs.

not to mention

the bugs that came

out at night,

the rattle

of pots and pans,

and music

from the floor above.

strangers

in the hallway, lurking.

it was far

from heavenly

appointments but

it served its purpose

for a short

poor time.

on a roll

sometimes you're

on a roll.

the car

breaks down,

your dentist visit

is today,

your annual

physical tomorrow.

it's someone's

birthday,

it's mother's day.

it's get the oil changed

in your car day.

renewals of all

sorts ding

you on your phone.

the rent is due.

the trash truck has come

and gone.

the dog needs her shots.

i'm out of seed

for the bird

in his cage.

the neighbor needs

a jump start on his car,

and the maid

is coming

at some point today.

i'm forgetting something,

but it doesn't

matter.

no funny bones

did she ever

laugh?

barely, but only at the expense

of others.

i wasted

my best material

on her.

my hours 

and hours of freshly

hewn jokes

and observations

went for naught.

hardly a chuckle came

out of her

pretty mouth.

not even a smile

crossed

her face,

just a wince, a sigh,

and a

roll of her doll

black eyes.

find a home

if you can,

if it's possible, have a home.

have a place

to go to,

a sanctuary of sorts,

a nest,

a house

to retreat to.

a place where you

know the walls,

the floors,

the creak in the steps,

the rumble

of pipes.

you understand

the cold and hot

of it,

how the doors lock,

how the windows

rise.

make it yours, it will

comfort you,

it will save your life.

more daily news

i follow

the box scores of last nights

games,

then

the wars,

then the protests,

the political chaos,

trials

and arrests,

then the

climate

change. i keep up on

what's going

on,

not that there's a single

thing i can

do about any

of it.

but i like to stay relatively

informed.

even if most

of it is baloney

on a hard roll with

a swab of mustard

from

the right or left.

jimmy and sally

it's a bad

time to have an argument

when

you're in the middle

of making love,

but when

she called me jimmy

and not

my real name, i questioned

her.

no, no, she said.

i didn't say jimmy,

i said,

it's supposed to be windy

out today.

windy.

we should really take the umbrella

down off the deck.

i distinctly heard

you moan the name jimmy

when i bit your neck,

i tell her.

no, no, she said. i said windy.

so, while we're in the middle

of hot romantic

love you're thinking

about the wind?

about damage to the porch

umbrella?

kiss me, she said.

let's not talk about it anymore,

okay? let's move on.

my leg is starting to cramp,

plus i have a

hair appointment at noon.

okay,

Sally.

lamenting a lack of dinosaurs

people lament

the extinction of animals,

bugs

reptiles

and what not.

the sea is losing fish,

the sky

is losing birds.

they wonder if we're not

next.

are we on borrowed

time

like the brontosaurus,

like T-rex?

will we go the way of

the do doo bird

at some point?

probably is my best

guess.

when the lake evaporates

when the lake

retreats

from the long hot summer,

the year long

drought,

everything

that was thrown

into it

comes up for air.

cars and bikes,

bodies

are everywhere.

disposable things

and lives,

guns and knives, microwave

ovens.

even refrigerators

have somehow

been tossed

into the muck.

i look for you, but

you're not there,

somehow you got out,

you survived.

the jackhammer blues

the power

is out,

the water too,

they're digging in the street

again.

a dozen

men

in orange vests

and white

hats

are standing with

their shovels

about to begin.

the machinery purrs

beside

the cracked road.

it's a days work

for them,

thankful,

grateful for the watermain

break,

the power lines

being snapped

in a violent storm

last night.

whereas

i feel differently

about it

pouring bottles

of spring water upon

myself

for a shower

by candlelight.

do you have any references?

i'm amused

when people ask for references.

having been

in business for thirty-five years.

should i give

them the good ones,

or the bad ones,

the ones where paint spilled,

where the wallpaper

curled off the walls?

should i give them the number

of the job

where the ladder

fell, or the fire

started, or how

i flooded the hall?

i choose the happy people,

which are most of

the jobs, the ones

i got paid on, i give out

those numbers

for them to call.

where did everyone go?

where did everyone go?

the old

school,

the old friends

from the old neighborhood.

the lovers,

relatives?

where are they

now.

which state have they

flown to?

which country,

which city

are they resigned to live

out their days in?

which cemetery should

i visit to see

their names

on gravestones?

the daily crime report

there's the weather

report on the news channel,

giving wind

and rain predictions,

changes in

the temperature,

and then

there's the crime

report

which gives you

an update on where

to go

in the city.

what blocks are having

the most

carjackings,

murders,

assaults and robberies.

they use

red dots

for severe crime areas,

yellow

for moderate,

and green for all clear

at the moment, but

things could

change, so be prepared

and have

on your running shoes

when visiting.

a veritable grouch

when she

drove the car,

i was nervous.

when

she was

in bed,

i was nervous.

at the table,

on the couch, i was a bundle

of anxiety.

i was walking

perpetually on eggshells,

afraid

to open

my mouth.

how did this happen

that i ended

up with

someone i didn't

even like?

a veritable grouch.

water lilies

with time

on my hands, 

waiting for the phone to ring,

for my ship

to come in, 

i open the box,

the large puzzle box

of a Monet painting.

two by three feet.

it's another water lily number.

apparently

he had a thing

for water lilies. 

i wonder if he had to fight

of the mosquitos

when doing his paintings.

flies and bugs,

ants. bees.

there's a lot of bluish

and greenish

tiles.

yellow and pinks.

i start with some edges.

it's ten o'clock

in the morning, but by noon,

i've started to drink.

each piece

looks the same.

my eyes blur and a headache

starts to come on.

this is torture, madness.

i sweep it all up

into the box.

maybe tomorrow i'll

start again, but

i doubt it.

a failure to communicate

i read

the results of my CT scan.

i have

no idea

what they say.

i have no clue what opacified

means,

or polypoids.

just tell me doc

how much

longer do i have to live,

and if so,

will i eventually

be able to breathe again?

paper and pen

we still

need paper and pens,

pencils,

don't we?

please tell me that

these

have not disappeared

not yet.

i won't

surrender.

i won't keep notes

in my

phone,

my laptop,

i need a pad, a clean

white

sheet and a good

ink pen

on my desk.

a spiral notebook

is best.

i stop and look back

i can't help myself.

i look back

despite

all urges to keep walking.

no.

i turn

and stop

and look back.

but why?

what is there left to see,

what is there

left

to know?

i pause and take a long

last look.

what is it?

regret, remorse?

i just can't

seem to let go.

leaving it all behind

we had

to sit for a while.

catch

our breath, get our bearings.

this death

was new.

and now there were things

that had to

be done

with so much left behind.

books

and pictures, clothes

and shoes.

all of it.

a lifetime of things.

all very old,

all very used.

even the keys from his

pocket,

the ring on his finger,

each

had to be removed.

caught up in some wind

it's a field

of apparitions,

ghosts.

light wisps of people

i've

known.

now gone.

caught in some wind

that comes

along.

i can still them though,

the shapes

of them,

hear their

voices,

their laughter.

sometimes i can even

feel their

hands

in mine.

the brown bag lunch

we brown

bagged it to school.

our names

scribbled on the bag.

we lugged our tuna

sandwiches,

peanut butter, or cold

slabs

of bologna

with a swipe of French's

mustard

on wonder bread.

to the bus stop.

occasionally there'd

be egg salad

sandwiches

which we had

to remember not

to put on the heating

vents

in the classroom.

maybe a cookie

or two,

an apple.

milk was 2 cents in

a small

carton. a straw too.

sometimes there'd be

a note tucked

inside the bag.

say grace before lunch,

love you.

the campus hunger strike

the hunger

strike

seems to be the most

peculiar strike

of all.

making demands

or else

we're not going to eat

anymore

despite our

parents paying for a meal

plan.

we're going to skip

breakfast

lunch and dinner

and never put another

quarter into

the vending machines

for peanut butter

crackers and ho-hos

unless you

stop the war immediately

and meet

our extensive

list of requests

and demands.

not another morsel

of food will go into

our mouths

until

you grant us all our

wishes.

and if that doesn't work

or get your

attention,

we will hold our breath

until we turn

blue, or the cows

come home.

the handy man

there was always

a guy

in the neighborhood,

a husband

or brother, an uncle

maybe,

that could fix anything.

a handsome,

charming fellow

who was crafty and smart.

ours was Joe.

he'd come over with

his tool bag

while the husbands

were at work.

he'd fix the washer, the dryer,

then

take a look at the furnace,

he'd figure out

why

your lights were flickering.

toilet running,

no problem,

he'd be on the kitchen

floor

with his head

under the sink

turning a wrench with his

muscular forearms

while the lady of the house

made him

coffee and muffins.

tv on the fritz, joe

had that too.

squeaky headboard

rattling

against the bedroom wall,

Joe could tighten

things up for you.

ten years later there were

a lot of children

in the neighborhood

that looked

exactly like Joe.

the cat is pleased with herself

when

one dog barks,

they all bark.

the whole street is full of windows

with dogs

barking.

it's a wild

fire of barking,

down

the block

into the next neighborhood,

and beyond.

the cat

is pleased with herself

as she

struts along.

hot dog

sometimes

it's best to stay dumb,

stupid,

if you may.

ignorance

being a sort of bliss

we can

live with.

why i looked up

how a hot dog

is made

is beyond me.

the ingredients being

a strange mix

of chemicals

and processed

meats

swept up into a skin

sweater.

it's ruined things for

the upcoming

holiday.

perhaps

just one slathered

in mustard and relish

this year

won't kill me.

the weight of you

in a moment

of clarity,

an epiphany of sorts,

i decide

to drop the weight

to the floor,

unstrap

it from my back,

my heart,

my mind.

no more do i need

to carry

you around

like before.

that kind of house is gone now

they tore

down the old house.

the rambler

built

in the 50's, the Eisenhower

Nixon

style house.

the brick and siding house

with a chimney

and a patio.

the conservative

black

and white tv house,

the mannered

house,

the apron

the tie, the square house

before

the music died

house.

the garden party house,

the martini lunch

house.

the church on Sunday

morning house.

the three kids

and a dog

house.

mom and dad, a chevy

in the driveway

house.

the manicured lawn

and rose bushes

house.

a grill in the yard,

a flag on the pole,

Christmas lights strung up

for the holidays.

that house.

it's gone now.

is my turn now?

i feel a tiny

hope 

for humanity when the traffic

lights

go out

and everyone is

on their own,

on their

best behavior.

no one is in a rush,

everyone

being cautious, allowing

each a turn

at crossing the intersection.

making their turns

to the left

and right.

signals flashing,

lights on,

a wave, a nod, 

everyone being polite.

like in the old

days.

leaving the plant behind

for years

i possessed a plant,

a nameless

species

with giant leaves

that reminded me

of Paraguay, or some

distant land.

a gift from an old girlfriend

who

felt i needed something

in my little apartment

other than

a couch

a tv,

table and chairs.

beer cans.

it stood in the corner

for years,

turning various shades of

brown

as i forgot to water it.

people

would use it as an ashtray,

or a small

waste basket. cigarette

butts

filled the bottom,

young men being

the boys

they are.

did the plant mind the music,

the visitors

who came and went

at all hours, who knows.

but she survived

despite all odds.

at last i moved, but didn't

take it with

me.

i set it in the trash room,

nearby.

say everything or nothing

there are many

unsaid

words

that never reach an

ear.

getting older

can go

either way.

either you say everything

that's

on your mind

not worrying about who

hears,

or you say nothing

at all.

it's all been said before,

so who

cares?

making eye contact with a stranger on the path

i accidentally

made eye contact with someone on the path

the other day.

it was all blue

skies with a nice breeze,

a pleasant walk to the lake.

i nodded to a woman

and said,

good morning.

she screamed

and ran,

tripping and falling,

ripping her yoga pants,

then got back up and sprinted

away.

i said, hey, hey, i'm

sorry.

i shouldn't have run after her,

but i wanted to

tell her that i was new

in the area,

and didn't know it was wrong

to say hello

to people, strangers, when

walking

through the woods.

she had

pepper spray

and knew tai kwon do,

a newly minted yellow belt,

i presume.

she took a stance and made

a loud screeching

bird like noise.

she held the pepper spray

in the air

and warned me not to get

any closer.

thankfully i was able

to get away,

dashing into the woods

and circling

back home.

boxing lessons for pedestrians in NYC

it's a thing now

in the city

of Gotham,

to be walking down the street

and have

someone

walk up

and punch you in the face.

a simple

act of violence

for no reason.

makes no difference

if you're a man or a woman,

or if your

minding your own

business,

going to work,

to church,

just taking a walk in the park,

you may be punched at

any given moment.

i remember when

pigeons or wild taxi

drivers were

the main

problems in the city, or

panhandlers

in Times Square.

but now the sucker punch

is also

on the list.

it's best to

keep your head on a swivel,

duck and move,

slide

side to side. jab, jab,

stay light on your feet.

make use of the rope a dope

strategy, ala Ali

in the rumble in the jungle.

solving problems in the walk up

i tell the landlord

that

there are mice in the floorboards.

he calls

the super.

Max, who comes

over with

a flashlight and a hammer,

and a hunk

of cheddar

cheese.

one by one he takes care

of the mice.

anything else, he says

while i'm here?

yeah,

the radiator is making

noise at night.

he goes over and taps

it a few times.

okay, that should do it.

there you go.

sleep tight.

a therapeutical goldmine

you hear

the word trauma a lot these days.

post traumatic

or otherwise.

seems

everyone

has it.

it's the new

plague upon the world.

victimhood.

my mother,

my father, my husband,

my wife,

my significant other.

they all did

a number on me.

my job too.

my boss.

my landlord, my country,

my school.

a bird just flew close

to me.

someone mistook me

for a girl or a boy

when i'm

neither.

i'm so traumatized.

no seems able to just suck

it up

and move on anymore.

we need therapy

and

hugs, validation for

the trauma

we're going through and

can't get

rid of.

it's who we are.

a victim.

when your phone catches fire

i read

the small print.

it's complicated.

it's strange

and full of words no

one uses.

four pages worth

of

iron

clad statements

of liability,

and responsibility,

a formula

of payment

versus money down.

six months,

twelve

months. three years.

it's a spinning top

of babble

minus the music.

more data?

more minutes, an extra line?

insurance?

you just want out.

what can you do but sign

on the dotted

line.

your phone caught

fire

and now you need

a new one.

the Etcher Sketch

was there

a meeting at some point.

God

and His advisers,

angels perhaps

in deciding what

creatures would roam

the earth?

dinosaurs apparently

were a bad idea.

like the 

Etcher Sketch

pad

He seems to have

given the world 

a good shake 

and erased them off the face

of the earth.

but i have a few questions

to ask.

about such

things as snakes

and slugs, and

the Dodoo bird.

why here one day

and gone

the next?

makes me nervous.

we agree to agree on everything

early

on in the game.

we agree to agree on everything.

but with

time

and entanglement

and the

noose getting tighter,

we go

a different way,

the mask slips

and who

we really are begins

the see

the light of day.

i realize that

you forced yourself

to laugh

at my jokes,

and despite

not liking it,

i ate your cooking

anyway.

starting a new business

i have an idea

of how i can make money,

she tells me,

suddenly sitting up in bed,

and shaking

my shoulder.

it's three a.m.

i'm going to start a cupcake

business.

are you in?

what?

will you help me with my

new business.

you know how delicious

my cupcakes are,

everyone raves

about them.

are you in?

yes or no?

no.

is it a bad idea?

yes. do you know how

may cupcakes

you'd have to make everyday

for the rest

of your life

to make a profit.

a lot.

maybe ten million.

the world is not starving

for cupcakes.

now go back to sleep.

hardly one star now

it used

to be the plot

that put you in your seat

at the bijou.

the characters, the story.

whether mystery

or romance,

high drama of some sort.

all of it

on the big screen.

the writing bringing it

all together

with masterful strokes

of a pen,

but now

it's comic book heroes

and villains,

monsters and special

effects.

repeat and rinse

again and again.

the frayed red carpet

the meanness

took

the pretty out of her,

out of him

too.

funny how that works.

beauty

throwing

down

the red carpet, until

both are worn

and thin.

maybe karma 

really is a thing.

i'm not sure yet

i slip

uneasily into slippers,

and

a robe,

should i get a pipe

too

and do

retirement like

in the books,

with long

days

at late rising, taking

up golf,

pickleball

and such?

will i at last write the book?

is it time to celebrate

or mourn?

i'm not sure yet.

the blue stain of joy

the kid

with the snow cone

dripping

on his clean white

shirt, has

bit the pointed

bottom

off the cup.

the blue

goo

of syrup and melting

ice

goes

anywhere

and everywhere all

at once.

the mother smiles,

and sighs

but knows that

joy is fleeting,

ephemeral,

and

worthy of shirts

no longer being

white.

never is my guess

the radical

left

the radical

right

the silent majority,

a fine

mix

of polarizing crazy.

a hot

stew

of fear

and loathing,

ignorance and faux

bliss.

oh,

how will it ever end?

never

is my guess.

the world is now too loud

it's a plunger of sorts,

a swirling

hot water

irrigation system, not

unlike

what Roto-Rooter might

use on a

clogged

toilet.

but this one is in your

ear canal.

seems there's a lot of sweet

potatoes

down there,

affecting your hearing.

both ears.

it's relatively painless

as it all washes

out,

but then you can hear 

everything everyone is saying.

each dumb

word coming out

of their mouth.

the world is suddenly 

too loud.

the catch and release policy

the new

policy is to catch and release

the criminals.

the prisons

are overcrowded.

there's

no more room

in cell block H.

there's not enough therapists

and social

workers to help

them onto the narrow path.

crime has become an easy

endeavor

to make a buck.

steal, rob, assault,

shoot em up.

you're never

locked away.

at least not for long.

a slap on the wrist

and out you go, with a 

warning to please, please,

we love you,

now try to obey.

checking the new box scores

i used to check

the baseball box scores

first thing

in the morning when i

retrieved the paper

from the bushes

near the porch.

how many hits did Mantle

get,

how many strikeouts

for Kofax,

or Whitey Ford.

who's in first place

with the Senators in last,

but now, i check the pollen

count,

the weather,

then turn the page

to see who has 

died, what caused it,

and at what age.

so far so soon

was it yesterday

the boy

was waiting

for the school bus,

then on his bike

going down

the street.

the toddler

with training wheels,

no more.

his kite in the air,

the ball

at his feet.

so far so soon

i think,

as i see him driving

his car.

already grown,

already

about to leave.

what should we be scared of next?

what are we not

scared of?

what new thing, what new

invention,

what online

presence

makes us pee in our pants

with fear.

the interest rates,

inflation,

the campus

chaos,

the wars far

and near.

what new scare will keep

us worried

and under our beds?

AI is next,

another virus perhaps,

put it up there with

sugar

and tobacco,

crime.

room for both

there are friends

that you tend to go into

deep

conversations with,

philosophical

and moral

discussions about the world

at the large.

life and death,

love

and regrets.

you fall back into chairs

and drink

and talk long

into the night

solving nothing, but getting

somewhere.

and then there are friends

that want

to discuss the score

of last night's game,

the ref's call,

the play made,

who won or lost,

how the weather affected

it all.

there's room for both

i suppose.

those cushions have to go

it's the domino

effect.

buy a new lamp for the small

table

in the corner

and the next thing you know,

you're shopping

for a new rug,

you're selecting paint

to complement

the shade,

and drapes,

art to hang on the wall.

what about a few

green plants?

the coffee table could

use a new

decorative plate,

and those old cushions

on the couch.

they definitely have to

go.

wallet in the back pocket

is my

phone secure, my

computer,

my assortment of laptops

and i pads?

is everything locked

down and safe,

all my accounts

and credit cards,

my social security

and Medicare

numbers?

is everything tucked

away

from prying eyes?

i hope so.

but i do miss the days

when i tapped

my back pocket to see

if my wallet

was still there.

they all came knocking

they all

came

knocking when my mother

was officially

divorced.

the fireman,

the milkman, the delivery

men.

they didn't care

about the seven children,

they just

saw the silhouette of her,

this Italian woman,

with long

black hair,

blessed

with curves

standing at the door.

reluctant acceptance

why measure,

why

take out the tape,

the spoon,

the glass cup

with markings.

why keep

track of anything?

the years

and days,

money, weight.

your height.

why are we so obsessed

with numbers?

telling us

we're losers,

or that we're great.

just wing it and stop

worrying.

make the most of it,

whether poor

or rich, giant

or small,

tubby or light.

give me a la dee da

and quit

whining.

why is there no sun anymore?

it will stop raining,

won't it?

the clouds will clear

and the sun

will

reappear in the blue

sky, right?

you do

remember the sun

don't you?

i do, but

vaguely. my memory

of it is

a large warm ball

of yellowish

white light.

who can we blame this

on?

purposely quiet

say

little and people

think

you're wise,

smart,

a thinker.

someone full of thought.

which may or may

not be true, but

talk too much and they

see right

through you,

all the way to the 

bottom

and back to the top.

finding the missing link

they find

a tiny shard of bone

deep

in a cave

in France

and decide that this is

the missing

link

between

ape and man.

this is the first real

indication

of thought and intelligence.

they think

it's his ring finger,

but there's no ring

attached.

going to the gym again

i'm going

to the gym today.

not to work out, but to just

walk up there

and around

the building,

then back home.

a good three miles.

i'll wave to the people

on treadmills

and bikes,

as they stare out the window

at the sunshine

and people walking

by.

let's play 18 today

when i'm playing golf, 

she says,

i don't think

about the world,

the news,

the whole catastrophe

of war

and famine,

crime and disease.

i think

about the bunker up

ahead,

the sand trap and

which iron to use.

i can get a birdie

if i reach the green

in three, she believes.

let's play 18 today, okay.

but it won't surprise you

little surprises you

these days.

campus revolutions.

ice bergs melting

into the sea.

sink holes

opening up on a road,

and the dead bird

my cat brought

home

and laid at my feet.

we are capable of bad

things,

but good things too.

you can't imagine what

will come next.

but it won't surprise

you.

the new bucket list

there are things

you will never do, things

you amusingly

put on your fad like bucket

list.

Kilimanjaro is out of the question,

as is swimming

the English channel.

you will not

be famous, or rich, you will

not live in a villa

in Florence.

nor will you marry a super

model

named Heidi,

or lose that last ten pounds

of belly fat.

no, the new list involves

taking a walk

around the lake with a

stale

bag of bread to feed the ducks,

then coming

home to take a nap.

okay, maybe we went a little too far

i'd love to be a fly

on the wall

of the tunnels dug deep

beneath the earth

and listen

to the terrorist commanders

talking

while they hide in

the sewers

below the day care center.

debating one another

about their

crazy blood lust

decisions

to murder, behead people,

kidnap, burn children

alive,

and rape.

jeez, i'm having second thoughts now,

one says,

wiping dried hummus off his face.

maybe we shouldn't

have started this war.

maybe we went

a little too far,

don't you think?

we should have thought

this through

a little more.

it's been six months

of nothing but us getting

bombed and running

in retreat.

this place is rubble now.

and what knucklehead had the idea

to film it all for the world

to see?

pass me some crackers

and peanut butter,

would you, i'm starving.

what day this is? what week?

my phone is dead.

i can't wait to take a shower

and get out

of this place.

anyone know where we

can get a white flag?

please raise your hand

if anyone here

has a clean white pillowcase,

or a reasonable pair of boxer shorts,

or a sheet?

a fly and his friends

i could chase

this fly

around all day as he

darts

between

the lamp shade,

the lights,

the curtains,

bouncing himself

off the screen

to the window.

i'm exhausted by him.

his endless

energy,

the constant buzz

of his wings.

i open the door to

give him

a way out, but in

comes more of his

friends.

Sunday morning bagels

it's Sunday morning.

i can tell

not because of the church

bells, but

because everyone is wearing

sweatpants,

or yoga

pants,

and flip flops

and crocs.

there's a hundred

people

in the bagel shop, the line

is out the door.

bags

of loaded bagels

are carried out.

weighted down with eggs

and bacon,

swabs of cream cheese.

there are dogs,

and more dogs

waiting for their owners.

some with scarves around

their furry necks.

it's a fashionable boulevard

besides

William and Sonoma

and Warby's.

Lulu Lemon.

across the street we'll get

a cup

of gourmet coffee.

it's the best. but sadly

no one sells the paper

anymore.

warning her next victim

i remember

paying alimony and child support

to the second wife

and not being

happy about it.

she never worked

and day in her life and

she was the one cheating

and sleeping

around,

spending money

like water,

but the judge and the lawyers

and the law

said, so what.

they cut everything in half.

savings,

investments,

equity in the house,

cars,

children,

and the dog.

the dog still has a scar

around his belly

where we had to saw

him in half.

to this day he runs when

i try to pet him.

i see where she's going through

another divorce.

i want to call

the poor fellow and

warn him

about how she taps the phones

and quickly

runs to the ATM.

the kiln ashtray

i remember making

my mother

an ashtray

for Mother's Day, she was

a pall mall

smoker,

two packs a day.

it was in the 7th grade

where we

had access to a ten thousand

degree

metal box called a kiln.

i constructed what looked

like a cave

fireplace

with a chimney at the top

for the smoke

to come out.

the front had an opening

where

the ashes would go,

or where the cigarette

could rest as she fed 

another baby with a bottle

of formula.

embarrassed to no end,

she quit smoking that day.

but thanked

me for the gift anyway.

my father

still uses it.

fast forward this movie

it's a bad movie,

two handfuls of popcorn

in

and i'm already

hitting the fast forward

button.

faster and faster

until at last i've

reached the end.

some books are like that

too, but instead

i stop reading and throw

them across

the room.

the night is long

it's a cold

night.

the bed

is a raft

in the north Atlantic.

your dreams

are sails

that pull you towards

dawn.

the moon is nothing

but a stone.

you shiver

and stare at the ocean

below you,

so much

that you still don't know.

you're adrift,

going nowhere,

the night

is long.

who are these people?

there's a family

reunion

planned next month

somewhere

in New Jersey.

my mother's side

of the family.

each name ending in a vowel.

six Johnnys will

be there,

a few Joes and Stephens,

Leonard and Dolores,

of course,

Marie and Lena,

not to mention Sal,

and Enrico.

all the cousins will be there.

siblings,

aunts and uncles.

they've done

a group

text messaging thing.

pictures

are thrown in.

jokes are made,

who's coming, who

can't make it?

who will put away the grudge

for one evening?

is there free parking?

what's on the menu?

Uncle Francesco inquires

about his special

dietary needs.

who are these people?

the drop in visits

nice of you

to stop, but i wish you would

have called

ahead.

i don't like

surprises,

the drop in visits.

as you

can see by my clothes.

boxer shorts

and t-shirt,

no socks.

do you mind waiting out

here on the porch

for a while?

and by the way, what

do you want?

and i didn't catch

your name.

why even start a war?

do we have to pick sides?

are we

obligated to carry one flag

or the other,

can't we see

the middle ground,

see both sides a little.

or are we that stuck

in our views of the world.

opinionated beyond

change?

apparently so.

nobody likes war,

although

some like to start them

and blame

the other side.

Joe and Mabel's Crab House

the sign

says Fresh Fish

and crabs

daily.

let's hope so.

the newspaper covered

picnic tables

are alarming

though.

the cracker barrels

used as stools.

why are there bowls

of vinegar

on the table,

ketchup bottles galore,

pliers and hammers,

dental tools?

bright yellow boxes

of Old Bay seasoning.

what are these stiff 

fried crunchy

things

in baskets making us full.

hush puppies,

they say,

which reminds so much

of my

grade school

shoes.

and the beer, dear Lord,

the beer

keeps coming.

happiness

on a Saturday.

it's their turn soon

our batteries

are low.

the charge is slipping

away.

how we

walk

is slow.

the young don't understand

our ways.

we're

disappearing

as fast

as they made us.

beyond

middle age.

our wisdom and learning

will

be a part of the past,

it's their

turn

to make mistakes.

a single slice of her cake

what is it that you want,

not need,

but want.

which desire will satisfy you,

make you

at long last content.

is it money,

or fame,

a bigger house?

what thing that the world

offers

will please you

to no end?

maybe a slice of your

mother's chocolate

cake. if she was

still around to bake one.

maybe that will end all

longings,

maybe that will suffice.

i can't stay long

it's a hard day

for

people who hate their mothers,

who never

got along with

them.

who cringe at their nagging,

their lack

of cooking skills,

or tender

care,

absent of a single attribute

that most

mothers have.

it's tough to buy

a card

for them,

to smile and kiss them on

the cheek

and pretend

that you love them,

as you give them flowers.

the lime green house

the lime

green house on the corner

gets looks

from passerby's,

oh my,

they exclaim.

what were they thinking?

what a strange

color for the entire

house.

what are they trying

to tell us?

is it a cry for help or

was it just

left over

paint

half price at the paint

store,

on the floor, no longer

on the shelf.

all the pretty green bottles

i research

what vitamins to take, then buy

a bottle.

this one

for hair loss,

this one for memory,

this one for inflammation,

this one

for clarity of mind,

and this one

to get the blood flowing

in a certain

direction.

after a week or so,

i forget what they're all

for and stop

taking them.

but they look nice on

the kitchen window

shelf.

nine decades in

even at this age,

wisdom escapes him. forgiveness

still

is elusive.

grudges are held.

even now,

nine decades into this life,

he's still

alone with himself

needing pleasure,

needing to be held.

but giving little in return.

this ship will never

turn around,

just sink

and lie there on some

dark

ocean shelf.

on the other side

i could

hear weeping, sadness.

there were

whispers made,

flowers were brought in.

people had to be

consoled.

there was music playing.

one by one,

they came up to peer

in, to see me lying there.

to catch a glimpse

of what death

resembled.

but i gave them nothing

i stayed still

in my fine suit, my tie

and ironed shirt.

wonderful things

were said about me,

over doing it,

while others

remained silent.

then someone put a rose

upon my chest.

but still i  didn't move.

i didn't let on that everything

was fine.

even better than that,

i had arrived.

oh my God, i can't find my phone

have you

seen my phone? she asks me,

as she searches

under the bed.

she's frantic.

worried, she's tossing the sheets

off,

throwing pillows

into the air.

i can't find my phone,

she says.

have you seen it?

her eyes are bugging out,

her face

is pale.

she runs into the bathroom,

then down

the stairs,

she goes out to her car,

empties the garbage

can,

i can't find it, she screams.

everything,

everything,

my life is in there.

finally, i take it out

of my pocket and hand

it to her.

it's only been lost

for five minutes, i tell her,

but

you've had

twenty-four text messages,

three calls

and thirteen emails.

being grateful

what isn't taken

for granted?

these hands for instance.

covered in

paint and grease, cuts

and scrapes.

old man hands.

my father's hands.

curled hard

from work.

they do so much for me

and others,

though i hardly

give them a thank you

by the end

of the day.

letting the boat list

the sailor

needs wind to get across the bay.

he needs

to know

his boat,

the rigging, the sails,

the rudder.

but he's tired of this

and lets

it all drift

and drift

some days are like that.

we just want

to let go

of the wheel

and let it all list.

the enormous room

the room

is empty.

it's a canyon

of sorts,

minus

cacti and tumbleweeds,

coyote

and vultures

circling. but

it's a large expanse

of nothing but

darkness

in the corners.

vague light

from the windows.

the absence

of you makes it

more

quiet and needy.

without you,

there's only the echo

of my own

voice.

i'll fill it soon.

a few hundred grand down the drain

i see my neighbor

scraping

the ivy league sticker off

the bumper

of his car.

he went there, his wife did

as well.

both proud alumni

and successful,

and now his

daughter is there too.

well she used to be,

she's now

expelled

for vandalizing

the campus,

using hate speech,

and terrorizing Jews.

she'll be home soon.

he asks me if i have anything

to help remove

the glue.

take a break and get some air

i see you

at the top of the stairs,

crying.

head in hands.

it's Tuesday.

your body

trembles.

i excuse myself as i walk 

by you.

what is there

to say

again, this time.

take a break

from your

self-inflicted troubles

maybe,

and get some air.

riches to rags and back again

rags to riches

and riches

to rags and back again.

success

is fleeting, as is poverty

if you

work and save,

and 

keep a clean nose

and walk the narrow path.

tragedies occur, for

sure,

health and accidents.

fate gets

in the way of many

trying,

but for the most part

it's up to you

to change things,

to turn your life around.

we were fish in the summer

we were

fish

in the summer.

sun burned

and awash with chlorine.

scrapes

on our knees and elbows

from the high

dive,

the low dive,

the rope in the middle.

our eyes, red and bleary.

but we

loved it.

diving for coins in

the deep end.

swimming from side

to side

underwater.

running and being yelled

at by the lifeguard

in her chair.

despite her demands,

most of us

loved her and believed

one day

we would marry

that goddess with a whistle,

the cream

on her nose,

the brown of her skin,

the blonde

hair flowing down.

what human being

had legs that long?

how we wanted for August

to drag on.

we were fish in the summer.

our making love schedule

in the early

days

we were rabbits.

was there a time of day

or night

when we wouldn't get

busy

with making love?

did it matter

if it was in the car,

in an alley,

an empty stairwell

in a parking

garage?

bathrooms were not

out of the question either

with a good lock on the door,

or on a picnic blanket in

the secluded hollow

of trees.

two three times,

maybe four

if we weren't exhausted

and sore.

ah, they were energetic

and sweaty

times. we were limber then,

extremely flexible.

where there's a will, there's

a way.

i think Churchill said that.

but now,

we're more selective,

we schedule

in a session.

we arrange our days,

we plan

our nights.

we say things like Tuesday

night is

good for me, you?

we try to get on with

it before

face the nation comes

on in the morning,

or before midnight

after the dog has been walked

and the trash

taken to the curb.

yes, we're

slowing down, but in

truth,

it's better now.

still life gone bad

she liked to paint still life.

but not

golden apples,

or fresh strawberries,

ripe

bananas,

green grapes catching

sunlight.

no,

she like the rotted fruit,

the brown spot

found,

the flies

buzzing over

blackened peaches.

oranges gone

rancid, berries

gone sour.

i couldn't help but fall

in love,

with someone like that.

sleeping well in spite of everything

i like the unworried look

in some

old people's eyes.

a look of peace

and contentment,

nothing phases them anymore.

little raises

their blood pressure.

they've seen it all.

a few world wars,

terrorism,

chaos and what not.

crime and divorce,

poverty

and bad health.

they've been there

and done that.

you can't rattle them.

they know that all of this

insanity is normal,

and will pass,

before it's time for more.

they seem amused by

it all.

not losing a minute of sleep

over a world

gone wild.

making the home presentable

as children

we were given the task

of cleaning up

after mom

and dad

battled into the late

night hours.

engaging in a full blown

domestic war.

one sister was in charge

of sweeping

up the glass,

while i rubbed the blood

off the walls.

a brother, nailed

the screen door back on,

while

another

hid the whiskey bottles.

we turned the chairs

back over,

we put the knives

and forks

back into the drawer,

scooped

up cold chicken bones,

and peas from

the floor.

we had to make the place

presentable before

the welfare

department came knocking

at the door.