i was forced
to get on a pony
at the age of five or six.
someone put a small hat on
me
and shirt with a bolo tie.
my feet barely
reached the stirrups.
a man dressed
as a clown
who smelled like
whiskey and cigarettes
led the horse around
the fenced in barn yard.
i wanted to die
as my mother smiled
and waved.
taking pictures.
i mumbled something
under my breath
like giddyup,
with a curse word attached,
which made
the clown look up
at me and laugh.
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