vote for me

if elected none of this will actually
happen
but I need every vote
there is, so this what I plan to do.

I will put a chicken in every pot,

raise the minimum wage.
lower taxes.

i'll reinvent the wheel.

free tuition for all.
free healthcare for all.

fusion? I got that.

i'll lasso the moon.
pigs will fly.

i'll cure cancer. i'll make the blind
see,
the deaf hear,

i'll make sure the unhappy
are happy, and the unkind kind.

i'll install a mandatory happy
hour in every work
place. 3 o'clock.

holidays like valentine's day will
be against the law.

every cow will have grass to eat,
every chicken
will have a full name with a middle
initial.

there will be no looking at your
phone more than

twenty four times a day,
that's once every hour for you
math majors.

old people will be respected.
young people will shut up
and wait their turn.

babies will no longer be permitted
to cry in public.

i'll cut carbon emissions.
i'll save the whales.

there will no longer be anything
made of soy or carob
or bonded leather.

whistling at women will be forbidden
unless it's your wife,
or your current girlfriend.

I will provide 24 hour
protection from snakes, sharks
and lawyers.

no salesman will ever visit your home.

i'll lower the cost of living.
make peace
with the world.

i'll insist on casual Fridays
and wear shorts around the white house.

i'll have a team of smart people
to educate me on what the hell
a caucus is.

i'll take down the walls
and put up amusement parks where
they once were.

i'll ban clowns and mimes
from public areas.

i'll reintroduce the goullotine 

for telemarketers. 

everyone can have a gun but
ammunition will be illegal.

three day weekends every week.

i'll arrest every televangelist
and put them to work in hospitals
and refugee camps.

everyone will have a pony
and a dog, or cat. your choice.

you will have to take a written
and verbal psychological test before

getting married.

divorce will cost one dollar
no matter whose fault it is.

narcissism will be punished by
public dunking
in the local lake.

same goes for rude people, liars,
cheaters
and nitwits
of any race creed or color.

no more kindle, just books
with pages you can spill coffee on.

i'll shorten the lines at the dmv
and Starbucks.

i'll make every man a king,
every woman a queen.

i'll make all of your wildest wishes
and dreams come true.

i'll put a chicken in every pot.

vote for me, please?