the end of the world

my survivalist friend
jimmy, my next door neighbor,

is smiling from ear to ear.
He looks happy.
I see him getting ready to go into his
bunker that he dug
underground in his back yard.

he's raised the American flag
over the hole in the ground
and
is wearing his army pants
and a bandolier of bullets

around his chest. he waves, I wave,
then go over to say hey.

I see about three hundred rolls
of toilet paper stacked
up next to the hatch entrance.

hey, he says. you ready?

for what? I ask him,
licking my ice cream cone
that I just got from baskin and robbins.
a double
scoop of rocky road and chip mint
on a sugar cone.
what's up, I might go to a movie
later,
great new zombie movie out, wanna go?

what, he says. are you nuts?
this is it, the bug is out there. this is
the end, this is it baby, he says.

I've been preparing for this my whole life.
it's the end of the frigging
world.

oh right I tell him, licking my
ice cream cone, trying to catch the drips
before they run onto my hand.

I did see something on the news the other
day.

you got to get ready man. I've got water,
food,
I've got a honey baked ham
and omaha steaks in my freezer.
I've got sunscreen, chap stick,
cigarettes, gum.
a case of baked beans.
three hand grenades.
i'm like so ready.

do you mind if I tear off a small
piece of that toilet paper,
I need to wipe this ice cream off
my hand?

no man. you've got to get your own.
this is all mine, but you'd better hurry,
the stores are running out of everything.

I had to wrestle some old woman
for the last jar of creamy peanut butter,
they were out of crunchy,
can you believe that?
no crunchy peanut butter, like when
has that ever happened?

I lick the dollop of ice cream
off my wrist.
wow, no crunchy?
what about tv and wi fi, do you have
that down there in the bunker?

of course man. you name it, I've got it.
Netflix, Amazon prime,
batteries, candles. air freshener.

beer?

oh yeah, he says. bought six kegs
of beer, all cold, ready.

my friend betty is coming over
later tonight to go over our plans.
she might bring her friend
Amanda. you should stop by.

maybe i will. I remember Amanda.
she had the skull and cross bones
tattoo on her back, right?
fish hook in her lip?

yeah, that's her, she's cool.
great shot with a pistol, by the way.
you should see her throw a knife.
you definitely want her on your side
when this all does down.

Is 8 o'clock okay? I was going
to cut the grass and
take the dog for a walk before hand.
maybe get a nap in.

sure sure, but knock three times real
fast on the hatch, then two slow knocks,
that's the code.

got it, three times, then two.
sort of like that tony Orlando song...knock
three times on the ceiling...

what? get serious man.
what are you talking about?

nothing, nothing, never mind. i tell him,
i'll see you later.

okay, eight's good, how do you like your steaks?

medium rare, please.

you got it bud.
by the way, you ain't been coughing
or anything,
no fever?

i'm good I tell him. good, i'll bring
dessert. i have some new jello molds
i want to try out.
oh, what should I wear?

fatigues are good, if you have them.
anything camouflage
is fine.

got it! see you later. as i walk away
i start singing,

twice on the pipe, if the answer
is nooooo.