talk with mom

tell me all about her
your mother says on
the phone, this girl you're
seeing. well, you say,
clearing your throat.
she likes mashed potatoes.
a lot. i mean, she could
eat them everyday if
she could. so she's a fat
girl, your mother says
and sighs.
does she have a heart
condition, does she pant
and can she get up
the stairs? if she has
a heart attack and dies
on you, then what. then
you have to start all over
again. and you're not a
young man.  no, she's fine.
she's in great shape.
she's a runner. she works
out and does yoga.
she can put her foot
over her head like a
pretzel. oh, and she likes
mustard better than ketchup.
i don't trust her, your
mother says. the potatoes,
the mustard. bending her body
like a russian gymnast.
what does she
do for a living. she teaches,
mom, she teaches kids.
she wears glasses, doesn't
she, your mom says.
i can see her now with
thick glasses. mom, you wear
glasses. but i'm your mother.
so when do i  meet her.
when can i meet this miss
wonderful mustard loving
girl you've been seeing.
i'll knit her an afghan.
does she like the color orange
i have seven balls of yarn
from the dollar store, all
orange. i'll start it tonight.
she hates the color orange.
that's the one color she'd
never have in her life.
see, see, this girl is trouble
i knew it. yeah. okay mom.
talk later,  i have to go soak
my head in a pail
of cold water now.
got to go.