how to become a paid protester

i go online to do some research

on how

to become a paid protester.

maybe i can make a few extra bucks

for Christmas this year.

i see them

in their lime green vests

on the news all the time

TikTok,

YouTube.

they attend countless protests

around the country.

the Po Po know them by name.

to hell with nine to five,

the ad says.

you can be your own boss,

set your own hours.

work outside in the fresh air until

the tear gas arrives.

it's an excellent cardio workout.

tired of being a loner with

no friends, we'll here's your chance

to meet a fun group of lost

and deranged people

like yourself.

no experience necessary.

do you have a megaphone

and lots of negative

energy, angry all the time,

do you hate your

country, know how to set

fires and make exploding

devices, that's great.

a loud screeching voice is 

a must and we

prefer non-religious workers

with no

conscience or morality.

being estranged from your family

and having

no real friends is okay with us.

an empty heartless soul

that lives on the dark web

in your mother's basement fits

in perfectly with

our mission statement

that demands that we destroy the world

and take it

back from the Man.

the big spooky Orange man

in particular.

our motto is be angry at everyone

that doesn't

believe exactly like we do.

transgenders are welcome

with open arms,

as well as college professors

and baby boomers without a life. 

we value your

past experiences

made in the 60's. please bring

your canes and walkers,

wheelchairs, rescue inhalers

and plenty of Ensure,

and be safe.

try to keep to the right side

of the road.

defibrillators will be stationed

nearby next to park benches.

we do not discriminate by age

or race,

and

we don't care if you're a he, she,

him, them,

they or a furry.

we welcome anyone in an

animal costume.

come on down and bark your lungs out.

if hired,

welcome aboard

to three or four

exciting hours of looting 

and harassing

police on the streets.

if you can travel to Chicago or

New York, that's

a plus.

we will provide a gas mask,

helmet and

bullet proof vest.

just tell us your size, height

weight, etc.

and we'll do the rest.

sorry but we only provide clothing

in jet black.

also everyone will get a starter bag

full of broken bricks

and rocks.

we pay in untraceable cash at the end

of each protest,

and will provide a student lawyer

from Columbia

if needed when you get

arrested and carted off to the pokey.

come one

come all, join our enthusiastic

and growing team.

together we can make this

world a more

horrible place

and earn good money while doing it.

no ID's or background checks are

required.