he's madly in love with this new
girl
he met on the infamous
BottomoftheBarrel
dating site.
she's everything
i've ever dreamed of, she's
a dyed blonde, former aerobics
instructor. she's
almost divorced
and only three of her five
kids still live with her.
she's been off drugs for nine
months, and is trying
to stop smoking.
next week she goes in for
liposuction
on her stomach and legs
and neck.
i feel tingly all over whenever
i'm with her.
she completes me.
i get these butterflies
in my stomach.
tomorrow i'm going down to
Kay Jewelers to buy
an engagement ring.
he's shaking as he tells me all
this, his eyes
are popping out of his head.
no, Jimmy, no.
but he seems to be in a hypnotic
trance,
so i slap him as hard as i can
across the face with my open
hand.
no.
i tell him firmly.
no. no. no.
give me your phone.
i drop it into a glass of water,
then tell him that one out
of two marriages fail now.
don't be crazy.
don't be a statistic.
would you jump out of an
airplane if they told you
only one out two parachutes
were going to open?
hell no.
now relax. here, drink your beer.
let's watch the game.
i ordered you some more onion
rings.
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