the 1-800 chat line

feeling

lonely i dial up the 1-800 chat

line.

it's late,

i've had a few

cocktails,

and my hand is deep into

a bag of Doritos.

a woman

comes on the line.

she sounds sweet and sexy,

but with a high pitched

Minnie mouse voice.

she lets out a long deep sigh

until she

starts coughing and

slapping herself

in the chest.

she excuses herself

and then

comes back onto the call.

hello sugar bear, she says.

i'm back.

smoker?

i ask. yes, she says.

two packs a day, i can't quit,

now where were we sweetheart?

i'm wearing

almost nothing, she says.

just a smile

and a pair of handcuffs.

what are you wearing?

i look at my

t-shirt with Dorito stains on it,

and my red Christmas boxer

shorts that my ex

wife gave me.

i still have my black socks

on from work.

i describe my clothes to her.

oh my, she says,

coughing again.

hacking up a lung.

are you okay?

hey, you should try hypnosis

for your cigarette

addiction, i tell her.

really, she says, clearing her throat.

yes. it really works.

after one session i gave

up cigars and the hookah pipe.

hmmm,

she says, back to her sexy

voice.

so, darling, tell me what you like

to do in the boudoir?

you know what, can i call you

back

tomorrow?

i'm really sleepy now. am i being

charged for this?

i mean nothing

happened on my end, okay?