emerald green

years ago,

when I was younger
and in a strange state of
imaginary love,

these panic attacks would hit
me out of nowhere.

i'd bend over, heart racing.
stomach
in pain,

crying uncontrollably
in a ball
on the floor.

it felt like a heart
attack.

the thick heaviness in my chest.

disoriented. lost.

fear, anxiety, stress. jealousy
and anger.
a cold stew
of dysfunction. not knowing what
was a lie,
what was the truth.

and yet, I remember lying there
on the floor,

looking
out the window through blurred
tears

and thinking how beautiful
the trees were this time of year.
so full and rich with green.

like emeralds.

that thought alone made me realize
i'd be okay
in time.