the dr. phil show

I start flipping through the channels
and get stuck on a dr. phil episode.

it's about a married man and a woman,
both cheating on each other.
pathological liars, narcissists,
but good cooks.

she knows her way around the kitchen
always with a hot plate of cookies,
and he's no fool in the barbeque pit.

but he catches her with the neighbor
and they have a fight, so dr. phil tries
to smooth it out and get them back
on track.

You people need to stop hurtin one another,
Dr. Phil says, leaning forward in his chair.
Now i'm dead serious here.

when she picks up a steak knife
and stabs you in the hand with it,
you don't pick up one too, and stab
her in the arm, or hit her over the head
with a jar of texas hot sauce.

you need to stop reacting and start
responding.

what the hell does that mean, the wife
says, standing up, and moving closer
to her husband in the other chair.
she clenches her fists as the veins
in her neck bulge out.

now, calm down, calm down.
sit back down, Darlene. Let's all
go to a happier time, dr. phil says.
now Frank, do you love your wife?
be honest.

sometimes, he says, I mean i used to,
but when she cheats
on me, I feel minimalized.
I feel small.

maybe cause you are, the wife says, getting
a laugh and long applause out of
the audience. maybe if you were more
of a mister man I wouldn't have to go out
and get me a young stud, like the boy
who cuts our grass.

but he's in the tenth grade, dr. phil,
the husband says. she's a floozy,
a jezebel.

we have laws in this country, my dear. you're lucky
you're not in jail, dr. phil says, wagging
his finger at her.

damn right, the husband says. damn right.
lock her up.

the audience begins to chant, lock her up,
lock her up.

all right, all right, now settle
down. i'll clear this studio if I
have too. now look, here's what you two need
to do. he rubs his mustache from side to side.

first of all no more stabbing each other
with kitchen utensils, can you both agree
on that?

the wife crosses her arms and reluctantly
nods yes. the husband, says, okay. i'll
try, but I can't make any promises.

okay, okay. that's a start.
second of all you need to stop lying
and cheating on each other.
it's just plum wrong, what would
your children think of all this infidelity?

I don't even know who half these kids
are anyway, the husband says.
she sleeps with every tom dick and harry
that she runs into.
yesterday I found the mailman taking
a nap in our bedroom.

the woman laughs and throws her long blonde
hair back, then adjusts her low cut sweater.
maybe he had a special delivery for me,
she says, smirking.

the women in the audience let out a loud shriek
of laughter.

okay. dr. phil says. let's settle back down.
none of this is funny,
but I get your attempt at trying
to lighten things up. now,

I know this is going
to be difficult, but why don't we
bring out the children and see what they
have to say about all this domestic turmoil.
let's bring out all seven of them.

the kids come out, each of a different race
and color, all different sizes and shapes.
none of them look alike.

now, dr. phil says to the wife, pointing
at the long row of children, tell
me. Just how in the world
do you explain this?

I don't know, she says, adjusting her
fishnet stockings under her short skirt.
maybe I am just a tad frisky at times.
oh and by the way,
I baked you some cookies Dr. Phil,
I left them backstage in the green room.

thank you, thank you. very kind of you.
i'm sure my WIFE and I
will enjoy them.

okay, before we take a break,
we have one more person to bring out
to join in our discussion.
Let's bring out Brad,
the boy next door who cuts the grass
for these two.

a skinny young man in shorts and grass
stained tennis shoes comes out, he's
wearing a torn t shirt, he takes
his ball cap hat off and waves
to the audience as they applaud wildly.
he's chewing gum and smiling
ear to ear.