someone the complete opposite

my life coach,
jimmy, sits down with me,
a cold beer in his hand, and a lit
cigarette in the other,
okay, okay,
he says, we're on the clock.
what's going on.

i shrug.
women, i say. just that one word,
women.

we might need more than an hour,
he says. get you a beer?

no, i'm good.

so, he says. what do you want in
a woman.
describe to me your ideal
partner,
your soul mate, your dream
come true,
your girl next door.

well, i say, looking out the window.

i like legs.

stop, right there, he says,
blowing smoke rings towards the
ceiling.

i'm talking about the inside.
not just the outside. we all like legs,
and the other parts.
we all want
pretty and shapely. but beyond that,
what kind of woman
do you really want in life.

well, i start again. smart is good.
funny.
a sense of humor.
a good mother to her children if she
has any.

kissing skills.

no. stop right there. the inside,
the inside.

okay, sorry. ummm, well i like
someone who can relax and take it
easy. not too high strung,
or mentally ill, or a liar.

jimmy punches out his cigarette
into the ashtray and finishes his
beer, crushing the can in his hand.

think positive, he says. no one wants
a nut case.

okay, positive....ummm, baking
skills is a plus.
so is compassion and understanding.
loyalty. no criminal record and not on
too many crazy pills.

someone the complete opposite of the last one.

good, good qualities. but don't shoot
too high.

what you need to do is write this all
down, make a list, and use your imagination.
you've heard of the laws of attraction?

yeah. i have.

well, you will attract what you want,
if you put it into your mind.

how long will this take? i don't have
a lot of time. kind of wasted a lot
of it on my last train
wreck of a relationship.

forget that one. an anomaly, an aberration.
she was a looney toon.
sometimes what you're looking for
is right in front of you.

okay. time's up. now go make the list
up and put it under your pillow. read
it every night, and watch the magic
happen.