machine
finally arrives from Amazon.
they left
it on the porch
in a big brown box.
i see it when
i pull up
in the car and can't stop
smiling.
at last.
beside it is a package
of sodium pentathlon
and syringes.
alcohol and a bag
of cotton balls.
i get out my legal yellow pad
and make a list of questions
for possible
love interests.
are you financially stable?
bankruptcies?
have you ever been arrested?
how often do you bathe?
do you cry a lot?
do you lie?
do you cheat?
how many times married?
are you still more than friends
with all your ex's?
have you ever been in
a straight jacket,
or locked up in an asylum?
when was the last
time you read a book
a non self-help book?
what's your feelings about
laxatives
or hallmark cards?
do you agree that Valentine's
day is the absolute worst day of the year?
do you sleep with your phone
in your hand?
how many times an hour
do you text
or check your phone?
do you really like sex or are
you just using it to lure
me in?
do you take drugs,
drink too much,
or have more than one tattoo?
piercings?
do you know how to cook
anything besides salmon?
have you ever stalked someone?
have you ever
physically harmed anyone?
do you hate your father?
at night do you have
the jimmy leg?
do you take medications
for depression, suicidal thoughts,
or voices in your head?
do you have a car
and will you drive in the rain,
or at night, or both?
how many cats do you currently
have?
okay. here we go.
relax, sit down and hold out
your arm.
now roll up that sleeve.
there we go.
you'll feel a little pinch,
that's the sodium pentothal
going in.
feels warm, right?
and then i'm going to wrap
this little band
around your arm.
the buzzing will be the machine.
relax.
just relax. okay.
as know, before
i agree to start dating you
i need to ask a few questions.
here we go.
first question.
what's your real name?
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