Best Seller

my friend isabella
told me on the phone that
she is reading a
wonderful book these
days called
dating online 101
and it's full of
fantabulous tips such as
when to give out your
number, when to allow
the first kiss.
where to meet on a
first 'date', what
to say, what to wear,
it's all there in easy
to follow steps with
color illustrations.
how to end the night
when things aren't
going well. the fake
text that your house
is on fire, or a pipe
has broken and you must
get back home, the lukewarm
handshake, the pat on
the back farewell. the
kiss on both cheeks
as if you're in france
or italy, ciao baby.
then there's the tip
about when to get up
and go to the bathroom
to avoid paying any part
of the check. it's all
about timing, she says.
it gives great examples
of texts and e mails gently
telling your date that
you had a great time, but
to never contact them again.
it's truly a wonderful
book, there is
even a chapter on
giving the stiff arm
when the guy full of
wine tries to kiss you
with his mouth wide open
like a flounder, not
to mention how to block
and delete and how
to a get a restraining
order. there's a great
photo of how to
effectively point
your pepperspray at an
over amorous date. he'll
drop to his knees like
a baby seal, she says,
and then you can just
push him to the ground
and run to your car.
the blurb on the cover
says, "how to eat out at
five star restaurants
five times a week
and never spend
a nickel". so where are
you going tonight i ask
her. and she squeals loudly
into the phone. morton's
tonight and cafe milanos
tomorrow. sweet i tell
her. sweet. good luck,
don't eat too much. thanks,
she says, ciao baby!