i remember this

i remember
the first kiss.
the last dance. the smell
of her perfume.
the beginning and the end
is easy
for me to see.
i know what's coming,
what's
not.
i can see the future,
but resist it.

i am alone in this.
i am
in a crowded room
with everyone pulling
on my shirt tail.
i forget
who i am, i remember
nothing.

i remember everything.
i am confused
and worried.
i'm perfectly content
with
how things are. i'm angry
and disgusted with myself
for being so weak.

i'm found.
i'm lost. i'm in love
with who she is,
who she was,
who she isn't. i lift weights
to gain muscles,
to feel the burn.

i answer the phone by saying,
i have no
money.
i let the sun surround me
and warm
my cold body.

i remember her in a white
dress.
the drink she ordered.
the food we ate.
the kiss
under the veil of darkness.

my mother is dead.
my father is alive and well
at ninety. although nearly blind
and deaf, and unable
to walk more than ten steps
without stopping to catch
his breath.
I've lost 7 friends
in
three years.

i think there is hope by
writing things down.

i don't think having a dog
is the answer, or drinking heavily,
but i'm willing to try.
i bake bread in the oven
and watch it rise.

i see a woman on the street
that looks like my mother,
i want to tell her that, but decide
not to, why should she feel
my pain. i leave her alone,
as she pushes her shopping cart
down aisle 6 where the olives are.

i refuse to give up. i give up.
i think about joining the army,
any army, but i'm too old too fight.
to old to kill
someone for no reason.

i'm a pacifist at heart, but
willing to take a sword
to the dmv, or to husbands who
cheat on their wives.


i want to be silent. to meditate
on the world I've created within
a world.
i want to scream it all
from
the highest roof top and let
everyone know what i know.


i want to sleep. i want to wake
up in a different world with
everything i know unknown.

i remember everything.
i remember nothing.