Habemus Papam

the new pope, who's real name
is jimmy. listens to the throngs
outside the vatican chambers
as he sits back, bobbing his head.
oh, yeah, he says to no one
in particular, who's your daddy
now? that's what i'm talking about.
then the door swings open and
he quickly goes silent, folding
his hands together in prayer.
his assistant, jeremy, comes over
and tells him, okay. it's official.
you are the man. he says. now
stand up, we need to get some
measurements for your new clothes.
turn your head this way, i think
red is your color, but today, we'll
do a bright white. can i wear
red shoes, the new pope asks,
kicking off his grey sketchers.
ummm, well. sure, how about
some nice red slippers though.
they are in that closet over there.
slippers, stockings and evening
gowns. your head wear.
big hats, the little hats,
and a baseball cap that
the old pope left behind
are in that armoire from the
thirteenth century. but today
is a big hat day. okay, now we
need to practice your wave.
let's see what you've got. no.
no. no. you are NOT in a parade,
or miss america. when you wave
it's sort of like this. he raises
his arm and slowly turns his
body around. like that, move
your body, not your arm. now you
try it. good good. like a statue.
be a statue. okay. now
this is important, so pay attention.
look at me, hey, look at me.
he points his fingers at his eyes.
the crowd adores you, but sometimes
there are some nuts out there
who might throw a tomato or two
at you, or worse, so we
need to practice ducking. i'm
going to throw this communion
wafer at you, and you try to duck.
the wafer hits the new pope in
the head. okay. bad. very bad.
didn't you play soccer or anything.
never mind. he writes a note.
we'll practice later.
okay, before you get dressed
and go out to the balcony
to wave and say a few words,
we need to talk about
your big hat. if it's a very
windy day, hold on tight,
because you'll be flying away
across vatican square and then we
are going to have to do this
all over again with those grumpy
cardinals and the white smoke.
so hold on to your hat. okay,
the second thing is that if
you have to go to the bathroom
do it now. once we start
putting on all of these layers
of clothes, well, it's going
to be tough to go, so if you
have to go, go now. no?
okay, good, now here, drink
this. i got you this red
bull just to get your energy
up a little and to put
a twinkle in your eye.
open your mouth, wider.
you have some spinach between
your teeth. did you have a
calzone for breakfast
from the deli down by the
coliseum, thought so. i
can smell the garlic. they
really load it on there.
well, your breath is going
to kill an altar boy, so we
definitely don't want
that, why don't we go
brush up and gargle
before we get started.
chop chop, the world awaits!