it's just nature

casual

in his flip flops, the long

leash

letting the dog

wander into the brush.

i tell him

about the snake that

just crawled

across the trail.

copper head

i tell him.

he dips his sunglasses

and smiles.

no problem, man.

he says, puffing

on a joint.

it's just nature.

just nature, relax,

you should chill for

awhile.

where's the milk

we've attached

the word

post

to so many circumstances

in our lives.

post

partum,

post relationship,

post work.

the whipping post.

post traumatic

syndrome.

post cereal.

where's the milk?

heavy breathing

there's heavy

breathing on the line,

but

no words.

nothing is said.

i wait,

i say, hello, 

is anyone there?

still nothing, just

breathing.

silence. inhales

and exhales.

it's obvious who it

is though.

it may be the most

interesting conversation

we've ever had.

early sunlight

the way

the light comes through

the glass

making

art on the far wall

of lines,

sunlight through

the slats,

how can you compete

with that.

why vote?

what choice

do we have, the large loud

man

in the oversized suit,

a bully

in every way,

or the fossil

who stumbles

and forgets what he's

about to say

before he speaks.

we seem rudderless.

where are the leaders?

the smart,

the brilliant, the kind

and compassionate.

how did we get here?

how do we get out?

when you reach the age of reason

for most,

until we hit a certain

age, we

are careful with our words,

our opinions,

keeping

them to ourselves

for the most part

although some may leak out

to a wife

or husband, or

close friend.

but we stick to the politeness

of not talking

about politics

or religion.

we censor ourselves

in conversation,

careful not to offend.

but then

you hit a certain age

and you say whatever

the hell is on your mind.

it all comes

pouring out,

finally, you get to say

exactly what you mean.

no longer do you hold it in.

grey angels

i believe

in fire, the power of the flame.

see how easily i toss 

things into the ring.

no flinch, no regret,

no sorrow.

the fuel of letting go.

i like the smell of it.

the tang in the air

of things burning.

the ashes,

like grey angels

rising.

farewells are better

i'm better at departures,

throwing my hand up

in the air

to wave farewell.

i'm good at leaving,

of departing

by bus,

by walking, by rail.

arrivals 

bring so many 

expectations,

making it easier to fail.

an ordinary day

give me the ordinary day.

the one

you don't remember.

the one

without drama,

without excitement, or fear.

give me

the forty degree day, 

with no clouds on the horizon.

give me

just an empty sky,

blue and clear.

what love isn't

what love is

seems to be a foreign country

at times.

one

unvisited, i've spent

too many years

in the land

of what love

isn't.

planted my feet on

that hard

soil,

that shifting sand, expecting

better things

to come.

expecting the lush greenery

of life.

the sweetness of fruit.

not the bitter

taste

of lemons.

the long hot bath

unfeathered

with

our

clothes off we slip into

the warm

bath

for some liquid

therapy.

the steam rising,

no longer

an image

in the mirrored

glass.

we sink into the heat,

the bliss

of bones

and soul being warmly

bathed.

there are no problems

anymore,

just solutions.

the refrigerator list

it's a note

stuck to the refrigerator.

milk,

bread, eggs,

that sort of thing.

Fat Free Yogurt

for her

and salmon.

it's a short list.

and then at the end

it takes a turn.

it says i won't be coming

back.

i left the keys

under the front door

mat.

it was fun though.

i thank

you for that.

i stare at the list then

cross of the words

Fat Free Yogurt.

cold feet

your hands

and feet are cold

against me.

what gives on this warm

day?

what could be your problem?

your icy heart

i understand,

but the far

extremities

is a whole other topic

to comprehend.

walk in my shoes

i have to stop

at some point 

in buying new shoes.

i only two feet

and less and less places

to go.

DSW is the devil

with their coupons

and nagging e mails

with new styles from Italy.

it's embarrassing,

having so many to wear,

not to mention

the blisters i get when

breaking them

in.

the golden age of thievery

there was a golden

age

of thievery.

pick pockets and hold

up men.

slight of hand

stealing

of watches or wallets.

you almost

could admire them

and their craft.

but it's different now

as again and again

my cell phone rings

with another scam

from a foreign land.

they want

everything i have.

the inspection

it's a garage.

a darkened place where

they take

my car

and lift it off the ground

for the yearly

inspection.

it's the same

man

from last year.

but his tooth is repaired,

i notice.

he has a greasy

rag in his back

pocket,

and a travel

magazine to Bali.

he's wearing glasses.

he could be young

or old,

it's hard to tell.

he's neither happy or

unhappy, 

he just is,

as one car after another

comes to him

and his lift.

they're watching us

yesterday it was

a stroller

with a doll,

but today we

take a shoe box, with leaves

and grass

and tucked within

the body

of a fallen bird.

she insists on a proper

burial.

she's playing 

funeral now.

she's watching

us.

mimicking

our lives. whether

right or wrong

observing

how we behave.

two boxes of thin mints

i've been living in this house

so long

that the little girl who

used to sell me

Girl Scout cookies is now

grown up and

dragging her daughter

around

in a green uniform

with a red sash.

two boxes of thin mints,

the woman says, right?

when i answer the door.

apparently i have a lifetime

standing order.

who told them that?

i pick up the phone

to see

if it's still working.

i got nothing,

just a dial tone.

not a single message

left for me.

where the hell is everyone?

what happened

to Joan

and Stephanie,

Lisa

and Sally, Connie,

and Karen.

Julie and Flo?

where'd they all go,

who told them that i

suddenly got old?

leave it all behind

don't look back.

keep walking.

keep going.

leave it all behind.

drop the weight.

lay down the burden,

it's not yours anymore.

see how light you

are now.

see how easy it is

to find your stride again.

to be who you are

once more.

the answer was there

all along.

don't look back, just go.

our secret lives

there is so

much more than meets the eye.

so much

going on

that we don't know

about, or

notice.

take that ant for

example

carrying a lump

of sugar

home.

who knows what he's

up to

once work is over

and he's late

for dinner once

again.

hey Nineteen

who are they,

my date asks me, as a Beatle

song

comes on the radio.

i tell her

who they are.

you know, John, Paul,

George

and Ringo.

they sound nice,

she says,

are they a new group?

i look at her

and smile,

then try not to think about

it too much.

she asks me if i have

any gum.

i tell her no, but

there's a 7-11 up ahead.

i can pull over.

she asks me

if want anything as she

hops out.

skittles? 

no, i'm good.

it's going to be a long night.

dazed and confused

i hold the door

for a person i think is a woman,

but she's not, or at

least, not yet.

the wig fools

me and the dress.

flowered and yellow.

he or she hits me over

the head

with his purse

and tells me how dare i open

the door for him,

do you think i'm

not strong enough

to open a door?

do you really think i'm

weaker than you?

the fragile other sex?

i apologize, and hesitate,

wondering who

should go in first.

i'm scared.

off the top

there's another article

in the paper

about the mayor's assistant 

skimming money

off the top of construction

contracts.

despite his low salary,

he owns three houses,

two Mercedes and takes

regular trips to 

the south of France.

and yet no one seems

to notice.

i feel like i've read this

same story a thousand

times over the last fifty

years.

it's the same tale with

different characters.

temptation is a beast

when no one is watching

the till.

her bedside manner

i know she's not  a nurse,

or a doctor,

or even a physician's

assistant.

i know she doesn't know

head from tails

when it comes to medicine.

but damn she looks

good in white.

a starched white nurse's

uniform with a little hat

and heels.

i'm feeling better already

when she comes through

the door wearing that.

Coney Island Photos

we take a trip

to Coney Island, not for rides,

or the food,

the hot dogs

with mustard and relish.

not for the ocean either.

it just seems

like a fun thing to do.

we'll take pictures.

we'll frame them.

we'll post them online.

it will part of our memories

together, and when

we're really old

and losing it, we'll take

out the photos and say

to each other,

remember that time?

the gypsy people

anyone that keeps

moving,

packing,

relocating, constantly

with the tape

and boxes.

storage units,

changing of addresses,

settling

down again and again.

seven times

in seven years.

keep away from these

people.

what they're telling you

is just the tip

of the ice berg

when it comes to 

their troubles,

there's always a lot

more.

do the math

my brain

is itching for math,

longing to solve

an equation of some sort.

to add

and subtract.

i have an urge to

multiply

and go forth,

to find the square

root of numbers

that have

no end.

i'm tired of just words

and language.

i need something

more complex.

i need a new

friend.

the weight of what we're doing

let's keep this

between us, this whispered

secret.

no one

needs to know what

we're up to.

let's sin

in darkness.

avoid

the light, and 

judgement of others

for as long

as we can.

the guilt

is hard enough as it is.

mercury

an idea

slips into mind,

a clever

thought,

a mercurous

notion,

gold in the moment,

but not

written

down.

lost in time.

the x-ray

it's a dash,

a mere ghost of a mark

on the thin

silver photograph

revealing

bone

and marrow.

lungs

and heart, all of

it in black and white,

but it's enough

to suddenly stir

the life in him

to want more,

more days

more months more years.

how quickly

the calendar

and travel plans get filled

as the hour

glass is no longer

trickling in slow time,

but spilled.

the bright side of the road

his head was

bandaged like a wounded

soldier

at Antietam.

there was a tube

in his neck,

wires and what not

connected to his arm,

his heart.

the cancer was everywhere.

but he was chipper.

winking at the nurse

changing is

bed pan.

i'll be out of here in

no time, he told

me.

do you have any winter

work coming up?

a dozen to go

will this hot greasy

donut

rolling off

the conveyor belt at

Krispy Kreme, make

me happy?

the chocolate one,

the creme filled one,

the one

dripping in maple

icing?

will two or three do 

the trick?

yes.

for a minute or two, but

then I'm

really really

depressed and sick.

don't go out

don't take the subway

at night,

don't go out,

don't walk that street

alone, don't

linger

near an alley, 

or make eye contact,

don't forget

to the lock the doors.

beware of crowds,

cross the street

when approached,

pull the shade.

stay home.

burrow into your couch.

we ran it over, not me

what was it 

in the middle of the road

staring

back at us with

red eyes?

a lump

of furry life

now still and settled,

it's mind made up

of staying put, scurrying

neither left

or right.

something.

not a dog or cat,

but another

species of wild life,

but we were going too fast

to brake

or swerve

out of its way. so

we ran it over.

there was a bump and rumble

as it disappeared

below the car,

the noise waking her up

and making

her say,

what was that?

bone on bone

the doctor tells me that

this will

burn a little, or maybe a lot,

as he sticks

my knee with a syringe

filled with

lidocaine and cortisone.

he's not kidding.

it feels like the inside

of my knee is on fire.

what you have here is

bone on bone, he says.

how many years have you

been playing basketball

on concrete courts.

i don't know, i tell him.

fifty, sixty.

but my knees now have

affected my running

and jumping.

they hurt like hell.

i see he says, jiggling

the long needle around

until all the juice is out.

but, i tell him. i still

have my shot, either hand. 

and dribbling is no issue.

okay, he says.

come back in six months

and i'll stick you again.

have you ever thought of

switching to pickle ball?

high top whites

we rarely are on

the same page with clothes

when we go out

to dinner or a show.

if she has on her

leather

skin tight pants

and a see through blouse,

standing tall

on stiletto heels,

i inevitably

am wearing khaki

shorts and a white t-shirt.

with high top white

chuck taylor's.

i thought you said,

casual, i tell her,

touching her shiny

pants.

can you breathe in those?

a paler shade of grey

the job

is delayed. they can't decide

on which

shade

of white they want

on the walls

of the house they're selling.

so don't

come today, she says,

my husband

and i and the kids are

having a meeting

tonight about

the paint.

is that okay?

can you recommend

a white

for us? maybe a grey?

the road map

what's that tattoo

all about

i ask her, pointing at the sun

on her arm

in red ink.

it's about the sun,

she says.

i love the sun.

and what about this one,

which one

she says,

i have seven.

the one on your leg,

it looks like a face.

oh, that's my mother.

i have my

children

on my back. all three

of them.

i'm getting my dog

next, if i have room

on my neck.

and your father, oh,

hmmm.

i never thought about

that.

see you on Sunday

it's just a dream

mixed

in with other dreams, but

i appreciate

the call from my mother.

she sounds

good.

she tells me what's for

dinner, asks,

what time will i be there

on Sunday.

how's your love life?

she says,

using a name

from

the distant past,

it's a nice call.

i can almost smell the garlic

and red

sauce, see her cutting

gnocchi by hand.

she asks me

who will win the game

on Sunday.

i tell her, as i always do.

the team

that scores the most points.

she laughs.

who gets the dog

i remember

how the neighbors

were quiet,

not yet decided on whose

side to take,

peering out

their windows at

the truck,

excited by the news.

where will she go

now, does

she have money.

what will he do, will

they both move.

and the children,

what about them,

the dog,

the cat. who's at

fault

with this mess.

who will tend to the

yard,

clean the gutters,

cut the grass?

who wins, who loses?

did you hear?

the story had

legs,

had arms,

had a torso with

eyes

a mouth,

a tongue.

it became a life

all its own.

just a word or two

told out of school,

mere gossip,

half false,

half truth,

but so it was

formed.

captured by the prey

she tells him

what sign to make for the march.

pink ink.

what shirt

to wear, what

flea market to go to

that day.

what mall?

what vegetable to eat.

the flower

show,

the bed and breakfast

along 

the coast.

what music to be played.

when to kiss

her,

what to say.

he has been captured by

the prey.

worthless worry

weathered, aren't we all

at this stage,

this age.

a lot of wind

a lot of sun, a lot of worthless

worry about

things we 

couldn't change.

to do it all over

again

would involve everything.

being the same,

everything that is,

but you.

it isn't over, not yet

purple almost,

this blue chop of water

under

the bridge.

how is it that sand

is cold.

wet,

a marvelous place to

end things.

to leap, to swim out

into

the impossible depth

with your

broken heart.

what more

is there to do?

but i tell you don't,

it isn't over,

not yet.

in her barefeet

as you walk

towards

your car, carrying your shoes,

your bag,

you look back and blow

me a kiss.

the glow of light 

upon you.

it's early, few

early risers are around 

to witness this,

this 

sunrise

we haven't missed.

fixing the darkness

so what, a storm.

electricity,

who needs it?

we have candles, we have

matches.

we have

the spark of each other

under moonlight.

let's pray

that whatever's broken,

stays broken.

we together can fix

the darkness

of this night.

leave nothing behind

the underworld

is near

full.

the unnourished,

the unfed,

the unloved.

the unkind, only

you and i

are left.

let's eat, let's leave

nothing on the table

untouched,

no stone

unturned.

let's love.

Etienne's mother

i see my father

stretched out in the July sun,

his shirt off,

covered in

tanning oil,

his madras shorts on.

it's ninety degrees

in the shade alone.

there's

a Lucky Strike in his hand,

a bottle of

Ballantine beer in the other.

he has the radio on.

sunglasses hide his

blue eyes.

his short hair shines

in the summer light.

he's talking

to the woman

next door, who's hanging

laundry

on the line..

she's French.

i sense there's more to

this scenario than meets

my little boy eyes.

any plans for the day?

the nice day urges you

to get up

and get out, to do something

called

fun.

the old

town and cobblestones,

perhaps.

a walk to the river,

along the green path.

we are obligated it seems

to do something

and to tell

the story later when asked.

a good memory

is there not

a good memory attached

to this warm

sunlight

upon

my face.

none that i can think of.

so let's be still,

be quiet

and keep

it that way.

wait it out

why

watch the news anymore?

why read

the paper.

why care

when there's nothing

you can do,

but board up

the windows,

lock the door, 

store food in the cellar,

and wait it out.

following the script

the doctor has a script

to follow.

at a certain age,

a certain weight

within a certain range

of blood pressure

or cholesterol, well, 

we have a pill for you,

they say.

a life time of pills.

we don't care if you

smoke, or exercise

nor do we have an interest in

what you eat.

what your lifestyle

might be.

these are the rules

that the pharmaceutical

companies tell us to do.

take two of these pills

each day, and one at night.

don't worry about running out.

we'll make more.

punch the clock

as they burn

and riot,

protest the raising of

the retirement

age to 64

in France,

it's hard not to laugh

as i climb

the ladder

with a brush

and can

of paint, hoping

that the sunlight

lasts.

forbidden fruit

is there

such as thing as original

sin?

can we be born

already tainted

by a rash decision made

in the garden

of Eden.

is the bite of an apple

worthy

of eternal damnation

into an underworld

of fire?

agreed, mistakes were

made,

but come on now.

ship ahoy, nah

whatever you do,

she told me one day

while we sat on a bench

in the warm sun,

was, when you retire,

don't buy a boat.

your whole life will

revolve around that stupid

boat,

begging people to come

on it every weekend.

asking them to chip in for

gas, or to raise the sails.

drop the anchor and

tie it up mate, or some

such nonsense.

then there's

cleaning it, algae

and barnacles,

the relentless rust,

the insurance, dry docking

it in the winter.

or the trailer

to drag it home.

whatever you do, she said,

don't buy a boat.

i don't ever want to see you

in a Jimmy Buffet

blouse and wearing a little

white captain's hat.

you get no argument

from me, i told her

no boat.

making babies

men don't like

babies much.

they like making the baby,

but the rest of it

is hard.

tough.

diapers and strollers,

putting

the crib together.

the mobile

hanging from the ceiling.

painting the room.

pink or blue.

then there's the crying

at night,

is it my turn already?

is the monitor on,

the light?

don't even mention

tuition

and school.

fly me to the moon

it's wise

not to live near an

active

volcano,

or on land below

sea level.

up north you have

the ice

to worry about,

deep snow,

so don't plant your

flag there

either.

and the desert,

forget about it.

dry as a bone with

no water,

and yet

they keep yammering

about the moon.

completely oblivious

to the fact that

there is no air.

eight ball side pocket

was it a sad

day

when they came to take the pool

table away?

hardly.

it took up so much

room in the basement, though

useful for

folded clothes, stacking

books,

and shoes

onto the violet felt.

it had its day when

the boy was home, 

after school, but this was

before college,

before moving on to bigger

and better things

in the bright lights

of LA.

if memory serves me

right,

he was pretty good with

the cue.

in a fixing mood

not me, but some

prefer

to fix things. to get out

the wrench

the can of oil,

the tools to tighten

up the screws.

fill the tires with air.

make it new again.

make it shine

like the day you bought

it, the day you

took it on the first ride.

it's not me,

not me at all,

but strangely,

i'm in a fixing mood.

preparing for battle

i open the window

for ten

minutes and every spider

and his sister

is rushing in

to make themselves at home.

flies,

and bugs of an unknown

origin

are coming in 

for a look see.

it's a chaos as i look for

the newspaper,

i never read.

easy street

he was handsome

and smart.

strong too.

he had more degrees

than a thermometer.

well bred. but

he was always looking

for a puddle

to slip on

in a store,

for a patch of ice in front

of Macy's.

a bump 

from behind in a car

injured

his neck,

his spine, he couldn't

sleep or eat

for weeks. 

impossible to work.

this is how he made a

living,

lived his life.

not to mention the elderly

and third,

rich wife.

the blue door

i can see the brush

strokes,

he says,

holding the door open

in the sunlight,

freshly

painted, still wet

to the touch.

what can you do about that?

can you make it

smoother.

make it like glass?

sand castles

as we built our castles

in the sand,

the morning

still cool, the ocean

at our feet,

i remember staring at

you, lying

on the blanket,

neither here,

or there. your dark

shades on. you were

elsewhere.

you were always

distant, never where

you were supposed to be,

never with me.

a sound sleep

ah, the good sleep

is everything,

isn't it?

what problems?

what troubles?

that was yesterday,

that was long ago.

almost forgotten, 

somehow they nearly

went away, each

question answered, 

i have now 

what i need to know.

the fool

the fool

goes back to being foolish,

lying to themselves

that things

will fine.

hard to stop

him

or her.

they forget what happened

the last time.

they return,

like criminals

to the scene of their

crime.

todays lesson

the wrecking

ball

took down the old school,

at last.

years abandoned.

rubble now.

brick upon brick.

old desks,

even books among the ruins

lie open.

there's a black board

cracked in

pieces.

todays lesson still in

chalk.

some learned, some

still haven't

yet.

the cold sandwich

at six, for dinner,

i'd

sit at the coffee table

with  a cold sandwich.

maybe a glass of milk, or

maybe a beer

if i was in a mood

to argue

when she got home from

work

at eight o'clock,

or somewhere

near.

the summer pool

we weighed next

to nothing.

gangly lots,

pale boys,

with crew cuts,

skin and bones.

feathers

in the summer light

doing

back flips off the high

board.

fearless and alive.

we'll live forever,

won't we?

you haven't seen anything

yet.

watch this next

dive.

let's hope so

was it obvious

they were in love?

the way

they held hands

and smiled, the way

she kissed him

for no reason.

his hand

around her waist,

the way they whispered

to each

other only things

they could hear.

knee against knee,

arm in arm,

the light

within their eyes.

would it last forever?

let's hope so.

two sides of the coin

we have two

sides.

two voices in our head.

be good,

be bad.

it's a daily struggle at times.

do this,

do that.

go there, stay.

the relentless nagging

of the devil.

and the angels

trying to

keep them at bay.

i need a new dress

i have nothing to wear

to this party

tonight,

she says,

standing in front of one

of three walk in

closets full of clothes.

i have to go shopping

tonight.

i need shoes too,

and i should get my hair

done.

what about you?

i'm good.

everything has changed

it's not what it used to be.

but what is?

what hasn't changed?

we reminisce.

we remember fondly

the old days.

we nod our heads in

unison, and say

it was better back then.

you should have been

there, the fun we had.

it's different now.

it's not the same.

sadly, the way it was

will not return again.

back space your life

thank God

for white out, for erasers.

for the backspace

and delete.

thank you Lord

for the second

chance,

the mulligan,

the annulment,

another chance

to right

a mistake.

the heart of the city

there is  no easy way

to the heart

of town.

no back road, no freeway.

no straight route

as the bird flies,

as they say.

it's stop and go.

lights, and bridges.

tunnels.

an hour on the road.

a slow go.

the beginning off a long

day.

have at it

it's better

to rip and tear, crush

and burn,

break

things up into an

unfixable mess.

it feels good

to release that anger,

to throw something

across the room,

take a hammer to it.

light a match

and watch the ashes rise.

it's easier this way.

healthier too.

don't let

it simmer and spoil

the heart inside.

get in line

there's

a line down the block.

it leads

to a door

on the side of the building.

no signs.

no clue as to where

the line

leads,

but i get in it just the same.

i stand and wait

my turn

for whatever is to

come next.

like they taught us

from one

and up.

pass me the aspirin

is any

of it real. are we dreaming,

imagining

this life.

will we wake

up in the end

and begin again.

is there more?

is there less?

why are we hanging on

so hard to what

doesn't even

exist, and if it does,

it's only

temporary, at best.

almond stuck in my throat

are you okay,

she asks,

as i try to cough up a dry

sliver

of an almond

caught in my throat.

my eyes are red

and tearing up,

my chest hurts

from the heaving

forward and backward.

she hands me some

water

which i gargle with.

it doesn't seem to help.

the bus driver

sees me in the mirror

and pulls the bus over.

he comes back

and asks what the problem

is.

almond, i tell him.

it's stuck.

a woman comes over

and gives me a stick

of gum, chew this she says.

it works for me.

then an old man

behind me

speaks up and says it

happened to him once

during the war, it almost

got the whole platoon

killed when his coughing

gave away their 

position.

finally a little kid comes

over and kicks me in the

shin.

i yell out, which frees

the almonds.

thanks kid, i tell him.

when the basket comes around

when the basket comes

around

during mass,

i realize that i only have a twenty

dollar bill,

so i make change

with what's in

the basket.

taking out a ten and two

fives.

i drop one of the fives

back in,

then pull it out,

and take out

five one's.

i leave two one's.

to which the man holding

the basket says,

really?

regrets

after buying

the new car, i can't help myself

and wonder

if i should have

bought a different car.

maybe a different color,

something more

sporty and faster.

and this shirt

i'm wearing,

why did i buy a red shirt,

why didn't i go white,

or grey,

even blue.

and you, why did i marry

you,

when there was Amy,

and Greta,

Eloise

and Ruth?

morning celebration

i throw myself

on the mercy of the court.

i plead

my case.

not guilty.

innocent of all charges.

but to no avail.

the jury

convicts me of my sins.

i'm going

to jail,

sentenced to twenty

years hard

labor.

making little rocks

out of big rocks,

and the ex is my cell mate.

thankfully

i wake up and realize

that it's all a bad

dream.

i celebrate

with eggs and bacon,

a bagel

with cream cheese.

coffee.

and a bloody mary.

two in fact.

land of the free

what can we eat

or not

eat?

milk and bread?

meat,

fish

and fruit? what about

Doritos?

what

about skittles

and 

junior mints?

something sweet.

a duck donut?

are we not American,

land of the free?

can we not go to Captain George's

and put

on the feed bag

and eat

all we can eat?

is bacon okay,

liver?

cokes and beer?

chicken nuggets.

what about

another slice of pie?

who needs

mirrors.

stop for one minute

these damn

clocks,

always with their ticking,

their constant

swing of arms.

moving

relentlessly forward.

even the dead

get no reprise

from them.

the carved stone makes

sure of that.

a man in uniform

i like a man

in uniform she tells me over

martinis.

something sexy

and sharp

about a man in 

uniform.

army,

or navy, it doesn't

matter.

the next time we meet,

i put on

my orange jumpsuit

from when

i hauled trash for

TriCounty garbage

disposal.

it fails.

the Joneses

the neighbor gets

a new car.

so we get one

too. a new fence,

a new roof.

a dog,

of course we follow suit.,

they have

children, not just

one but two.

the line is suddenly

drawn

in the sand.

her featherbed

i sleep

better in a different bed.

away

from this.

from that.

i need the comfort of another

to bring

sleep

into my head.

no longer

with one eye open,

the alarm set,

sitting up

with each bump in

the night, each

creak in

the floorboard, each

drip

from faucet

pinging.

sugar town

do i miss sugary

things like

cake

and ice cream.

cookies and donuts,

pudding

and pies.

sweets in general.

all full

of sugar with no

nutritional

value.

all those

empty calories.

i do at times, but

not enough

to call you.

the wedding gift

do i get him

a wedding gift this time around?

third wedding.

he has money,

he has

a blender

a toaster and a nice

coffee maker.

i don't know

what

to get the newly betrothed

couple?

a book? maybe.

tickets to the Kennedy

Center?

advice?

peeking out the window

i find

a swab of make up on the front

room

curtains.

it's old, dried out

like mud.

she used

to peek out the window

to see if i had

left

before making her

call to her

boyfriend.

i write it down.

new curtains, it's on

the list.

ancestry.com

someone,

somehow finds me through

the spit

i sent off

to ancestry.com..

i want to get to know you

better

the note says.

i think we're related

through

a distant cousin

or grandparent.

do you know anyone

in

Scotland?

i'm having hard times

right now,

and it would be nice

to visit you.

perhaps stay a while

until i'm

back on my feet.

i play the bag pipes,

do you?

odd treasures

everyone

seems

to collect things.

porcelain animals, wooden

toys,

comic

books.

stamps and what not.

pigs

or cows, 

small trinkets of

no

true value except

to the person

collecting them.

odd

treasures.

the kid next door

i see the kid

next door

driving his father's car.

he's wearing

a suit and holding

a bouquet of flowers,

like he's going

to the prom.

it seems

like just yesterday

he was

rolling down

the street on his tricycle,

licking

an ice-cream cone.

what the hell.

the red wheel barrow

i don't own a wheel barrow,

but i've often

thought of buying one.

not because of the poem, 

by William Carlos Williams,

but just because

it would make a good

addition to the yard.

it would be a bright red one,

with wooden handles.

something shiny

to prop beside 

the stone bird bath.

i wouldn't put dirt

or mulch in it, no leaves

or ground debris.

i'd keep it clean, stored

away in the shed,

but on sunny days

i'd wheel it out, especially,

if i had guests.

inevitably,  they'd stare at it, 

while sipping on a drink,

and say, oh, 

you have a wheel barrow.

nice.

to which i'd reply proudly,

yes.

fast changes

i had

a pink wall once in my house.

hot pink.

not my idea.

but when

it ended, the first

thing

i did was paint that wall

white.

the rest

soon followed.

do i hold the door?

do i hold the door

for her,

do i pay for dinner,

do i stand

when she arrives,

tip my hat?

do i pull her chair?

do i tell her she looks

nice in that dress.

do i try to kiss her.

do i hold her hand.

is it too early for that?

do i ask her for her number.

will she mind

if i guide her across

the street with my arm.

around her waist.

i don't know anymore.

it was easier

when i was twelve.

losing the will to live

clams

and oysters don't thrill me.

the chance

of a painful

bacterial death is near.

no matter

how much you

doctor them

up,

or cook them,

fry or boil, raw

on ice,

a squirt of lemon,

or tabasco sauce,

it's like

eating

a slug off

the ground.

what's the point?

can i have your jello?

she was always

coming up

with fun things to do,

that i said

no to.

thankfully

her father was an orthopedic

surgeon.

she'd say,

let's go sky diving, or

horseback

riding,

or mountain climbing.

it's a good day for

bungy jumping.

(though it never really is)

i'd visit her in

the hospital, bring her

flowers,

cards,

and sit and talk with her

as she watched

tv while recuperating,

asking

if i could have her jello.

swanson tv dinners

it was primitive

no doubt.

the tin,

the foil, the separation

of carrots

and potatoes.

there was the turkey

in some sort

of thin

gravy,

there were tiny

little bones

with chicken attached.

Salisbury steak.

a round

medallion

of mystery meat.

warmed

peaches on the side,

bubbling.

we always burned our

fingers, but

it was a meal, 420

in the oven

for 35 minutes.

then presto. we peeled

the foil back

and ate.

a promise i can't keep

i look at my iron

in the laundry room.

the green buttons reading,

hot, hotter,

steam, etc. .

it's on the shelf

next to a jug of bleach

that's been there for

ten years.

cobwebs

are strung along it's sleek

white back,

its silver

front.

maybe today, i tell it,

taking

laundry out of the dryer.

wrinkle free

laundry.

i try not to make promises

i can't keep

but 

still i tell the iron,

today.

i have a shirt, honest,

a cotton shirt on a hangar.

i'll bring it down

later and i'll plug

you in.

have you seen the starch?

the ironing board?

girls and horses

when she sees

a pony, she wants one.

she's a five

year old girl

inside a sixty year old

woman.

always with the pony.

we have to stop

the car

and go look at them

running in

the field.

what is it about women

and horses?

i ask her.

beats me, she says.

but i like em.

before the light changes

can you spare

a dollar

the woman says

on the corner. she's

wearing a wedding

gown while

holding

up a cardboard sign.

and playing

the violin. it reads,

veteran, handicapped,

pregnant

with five

children, homeless

and no job,

no car.

no prospects.

gluten allergies,

and lactose intolerant.

i reach out to hand

her a dollar,

but her phone

rings,

and she tells me has

to take the call.

already May

i'm still in April,

all day, i think it's April.

i have no

clue that the calendar has

turned,

that we're on

another page.

i haven't even placed

my winter clothes

into the cedar chest

yet.

what the hell,

where did the month go.

May first?

do tell.

babies and bathwater

you see babies

all the time being thrown

out of windows

with the bathwater.

it's what

we do to survive in

this world.

tired

of trouble.

we want to start fresh.

start over.

begin

again to make things

right.

it takes a small hole

to sink a ship, let's

build another.

she scares me

she tells me,

bringing out her diary from

under the left

corner

of her mattress,

she tells me

that we made

love twenty-nine times last

month.

apparently

we skipped a day, but

we have time

this afternoon to set

the ledger straight.

she scares me.

walk away

shall we not

be kind to the unkind,

patient

with the impatient.

nice

to the rude?

shall we not turn

the other

cheek, and let fools

be fools.

can't we move on

and find

peace

away from anger,

without a word.

just a smile

and swift exit,

engaged no longer.

no one reads poetry anymore

no one

reads poetry anymore,

and why

should they?

why should

they unfold the pages

of books

thickened

with dust and mold,

Longfellow,

please,

Frost,

dear lord.

forgive me. Walt

Whitman., he puts

me to sleep,

i'm bored.

the pink snake

it's a pinkish coat, 

with a coppered brow, 

checkered

and hatched,

the dot

black specks for eyes,

a slither of tongue,

the sly waggle

out of shadow

into sunlight,

rising to strike.

how easily

we're both surprised.

as if they never left

it's a dream

full

of ghosts. the dead

visiting

as if they never left.

friends and lovers.

people

from your past.,

some present.

they speak,

they listen,

they walk and breathe.

they like

to visit you,

play roles within

your dreams,

they may be gone,

but here,

in here,

they're not dead yet.

worry some more

you need

to keep your curiosity,

your worry

in tact.

it keeps you alive,

stirs

the blood.

worry about food,

and shelter

your money.

love, or anything

that you lack.

wonder what's down the road,

what's wrong,

and how to make

it right.

when you stop,

it's over.

you're done.

you're close to being dead.

turn off the light.

the bullfighter

Hemingway's

mother

dressed him in girl

clothes

at an early age.

dresses

and tights.

so he spent

most of his

later life

disproving the notion

that he was weak,

or feminine.

he took up

boxing,

and wars, bullfights.

heavy drinking

and 

love affairs. but

he never quite got over

those childhood

fears.

eventually giving up,

never

making things right.

getting free

i give up on the knot

and take

a pair

of scissor and cut the lace

in two,

in threes.

there are lots of

knots

in this world.

but it's easier said than

done,

in getting untangled,

in getting

free.

it's just water

it's just water.

just rain.

just the ocean rising and

falling

again.

turn your face into it,

drink it.

let it soak you

to the bone, it's just

water.

water.

let it quench

your thirst.

put your wipers on,

stay in

the right lane,

get home.

the Woke march

it's not

exactly 1984,

or 1939, but you'd

better watch

your step,

your words, your

thoughts,

your actions.

the wokes are out there

keeping an

eye on everything

you say, or do,

or write.

they're coming for you.

no jokes anymore,

no sarcasm,

no humor.

the righteous

are upon us.

the extremists to the left,

to the right.

you'd better stay in your

lane,

eyes straight ahead.

no laughing.

now march, march,

with your hands

at your side.

it's too early to start drinking

i spend an hour

or two

with a screw driver

and screws,

molly bolts

and a new towel rack

for the bathroom.

the other one

fell down,

of course, they all do.

i'm a drunk

sailor on my knees,

cursing

as i measure

and remeasure.

bang a hammer

into the wall.

i'm not cut out for DYI.

i take a break,

a nap.

maybe tomorrow

there's someone out

there,

someone i can call.

will the buttons hold?

i detect a note

of sarcasm in your reply

to my

question as to whether

or not

you like my dress,

she says,

lips pursed, her brow

furrowed.

no longer

with the come hither

look on her

peach colored

face.  i'm

so deep into the relationship

that it will

take a gaggle

of lawyers

to get me out.

her furniture is actually

in the house now.

clothes in

the closet. slippers

are under the bed.

good lord, what have

i done.

again.

i should not have said,

you look good

in tight fitting clothes,

but

will the buttons hold?

you know you're crazy, don't you?

after another bold

face lie

and betrayal, i tell her,

you know,

you're really crazy, 

nuts,

you know that

don't you?

i make the swirly

finger around my ear

to give her the international sign

of being

wackadoodle.

you are totally off your

trolley.

her eyes get big

and wide as she retreats

into the darkened cave

of her soul.

she holds her breath

and begins

to turn blue, but then she

gets a text message

and says.

i have to take this.

hold that thought, this

will take a minute

or two.

who is this?

i didn't think

you'd pick up, she says,

after i say hello.

i thought you

blocked me.

made a vow to never

speak to me

again, or see me

after all i put you through.

but i'm glad you did.

thank you.

thank you. for saying

hello.

who is this? i answer,

ready

to hang up 

the phone.

abandoned

i'm curious

about the empty house on

the corner.

the rusted bicycle

left

behind, the swing set

broken.

the chain around the tree,

the broken

fence,

the tilted shutters

and chimney

with bricks askew.

i wonder, as i walk by,

what happened.

who left

in the middle of the night.

abandoned

this house. deserted

it in a hard rain.

it does so

remind me of you.

see you on the flip side

i cancel

my subscriptions. one after

another.

i reduce

my credit cards

down

to one or two.

there's always a loose

one floating

around somewhere.

i cancel the post,

the magazines i don't

have time

to read.

i cut clean the land line,

down grade the cell

phone.

cable tv.

Spotify,

amazon,

pandora,

Instagram and FB 

i'm getting off the grid,

not that i was ever

really on it.

taking a step away

to regroup

and restore some sense

of sanity.

see you on the flip side,

if we're all

still here.

press one

no use

in trying to talk to a real

person

anymore.

press one

press two

press three, even hollering

out agent

doesn't seem to work

anymore.

it's begun.

machines are taking

over

the world,

your personal life.

A I

has arrived and there's

no turning

back.

thank God for Betty

and her

magical

hands,

massaging gently my 

stiffened neck.

the shine was everything

i find

the old shoe shine kit

under the sink.

palettes of black

and brown.

the chamois cloth,

the brush.

i can't remember the last

time

i used it.

twenty years ago,

maybe

when i had a dress up job

in the city.

adorned smartly

in an office

manner.

the shine

was everything.

too much talk

less is always more,

in most

things, of course.

too much

food

or drink

takes its toll. the buttons

tight,

the belt too short.

whereas too much

talk

reveals

the soul.

no need to look

when young,

we're prone to preening.

checking out

our reflection

in the mirror, or a store

window.

we admire

the image of who we

are,

at least to how the world

sees us,

but time changes

all that.

we become fond

of friendly lighting.

dimmed rooms,

shadows,

taking less time to comb

the hair,

put on our mask, we understand

at last 

there is more to life

than grooming.

don't leave the house willy nilly

when you

get old, you carry things

around

like flashlights

and binoculars.

maps,

change for the meters,

maybe a Swiss army knife

if so inclined.

you have kleenex

with you.

you think ahead.

you don't just leave

the house

willy nilly.

you have a plan for

the day.

the post office,

the coffee shop

Safeway.

you get a prescription

filled at Kaiser.

maybe a walk to the lake

with an old

loaf of bread

to feed the ducks.

the maid's last day

the safe

is open and empty

when you get home.

there's broken glass

on the floor,

the sink is full of

dishes.

the front door is

open

and the dog is

out,

running free.

the bed is unmade

and full

of crumbs.

the last check in

the check book

has been written,

the change jar

on top of the fridge

is dry.

this could be the maid's

last day.

it was a very nice place

somehow.

we're just the right distance

from the sun

so that we don't burn up,

or freeze to death.

there's just enough water

and the right

amount of air.

there's vegetables

and animals, fish in the sea

to eat.

forests and streams.

it seems like it was

purposely set up this way.

with four seasons,

birds and bees.

a reason and logic

to everything.

it's all very well

organized. 

you almost feel at times

like someone

had a plan.

what are you?

i accidentally

used the wrong

bathroom at the mall

the other day.

the sign on the door

was confusing.

it had a question mark

on it.

but i really had to go

so i took a chance

and went in.

when i entered

four people were hugging

and crying in a circle.

they looked at me

and asked what

i was doing there.

i said smartly, what

do you think?

i've got three cups of

coffee in me that need

to get out.

are you a man or a woman?

one person asked,

are you non-binary?

i don't know what that means,

i said, trying to remember my

high school math

with Mr. Reber.

well, are you a man or a woman?

the person screamed.

she or he was wearing

a mustache

and a dress. yellow

with big black polka dots.

another person had a blue wig

on and combat

boots, and a pearl necklace.

ummm. the last time i looked,

man?

i said cautiously.

not good enough, they said,

and chased me out.

how dare you, they screamed,

how dare you?

yellow sticky notes

the sticky notes

were

everywhere. 

reminders stuck on

the mirror,

on the fridge,

on the door going out.

on her purse,

her books,

her desk,

her computer screen.

she had little time

to accomplish

all these things.

writing the notes

was enough to do,

keeping her so busy,

there was so

little time 

for anything else.

be walter

it's just

the news. read the news

off the paper

and don't give

us your opinion

whether

left or right.

be walter cronkite

for once.

turn the page, 

or read it off

the teleprompter,

adjust your glasses,

read it until

your done, then

say goodnight.

spill it out

every word

counts,

each thought uttered,

it's all

part of it.

better to be

unfiltered

and spill, than to

hold back and

be in

the dark, with

no one ever knowing

who you really

are.

there is karma

don't believe in karma?

that in the end,

or middle,

or sooner or later,

you get coming back to

you what

you've given.

trust me

there is karma.

how many examples do

you need.

have a seat

beside me,

and bring your lunch

this will take

a while.

first class trip back to Ireland

he finally tells his girlfriend

of ten

years, that he's

breaking up with her.

that it's over.

he offers her a car, some

money

to fly home,

some dough for new

clothes.

he expects tears, and 

sadness,

but instead,  she smiles

and pats him on the back,

says it's okay, she's been thinking

about it too, for a long

long time.

he gets to stay

in the house, keep the cat

and dog, his 401 K,

but she's the winner

here,

she's going back to Ireland

and is out of

this crumbling country

we call home.

where's the cheese?

there's a beep

in the house, 

a light, but persistent

squeak,

but i can't locate

it's origin.

the cell phone,

the microwave oven,

the stove,

one of four smoke alarms?

the lap top,

the battery

in the landline,

a mouse, maybe.

a mouse might be easier

to find,

where's the cheese?

the exploding blueberry scone

i drop a blueberry scone

onto the floor,

being in a hurry

to stick it into my mouth.

it shatters

into a thousand crumbs.

i sweep up as much

as i can with a stiff coupon

from bed bath and beyond,

but can't get them all.

then i realize, wait a minute.

the maid's coming tomorrow,

so i go back

to what's left of the scone

and a glass of A2 milk

from the farm nearby.

you were once flush

it was a thing

back

in the day,

when once out of the jump

and on the street

again,

you hung

on to

the largest pay stub

you ever

received

to show the guys

there was a

time when you were

flush.

it was a thing.

the old receipt,

tucked into

a wallet behind a photo

of same

girl you missed

but had lost touch,

but the stub

bent

and dirty

from being shown

so much.

usually while

standing in a soup

line,

or at the unemployment

office,

was proof, 

evidence, you used

to be flush.

old habits are hard to break

finally, God says,  

enough, he speaks out

in a loud

resounding

voice that can be heard

all over the world.

no silly burning bush,

no parting of the

red sea,

no smoke and mirrors.

it's a genuine

come to Jesus moment.

He just

yells out, 

you people are driving

me crazy

with your behavior.

this is your final

warning

to straighten up

and clean up your act.

then he tosses a few 

lighting bolts down,

for good measure

and throws in an earthquake.

old habits are hard to break.

the girl off route one south

she liked

her cigarettes and fast

cars.

her trans am

with the big bird on

the hood.

she liked

to swear and have

sex,

use a lot of hair

spray

and lipstick,

short dresses. she was

a hot mess, but

smart

and religious too.

rosary beads

hung from her rear

view mirror

and she went to church

every Sunday

no matter how hung

over she was.

i could never

figure her out, who

or what

was really in there.

is that you Zelda?

there's a giant mosquito in

the house.

i can hear it

licking it's chops,

buzzing,

floating, looking for a place

to land

on my body and suck

the blood and life

out of me.

sometimes i do believe

in reincarnation.

is that you Zelda?

return to sender

as i get out

my check book, my envelopes

and stamps,

my bank

ledger

and return address

ink

stamp,

she asks if maybe i should

join this century

and do online

banking.  go paperless.

i tell her no,

i don't trust it.

i ask her if she could

run

these letters down

to the post office

and pick me up some

more stamps.

a turtle laying eggs

there's a box turtle

in the yard

laying eggs.

i go out and speak to her.

is this a good idea?

i ask.

laying eggs

in my yard.

there's snakes, 

hawks

flying in from out

of state.

raccoons and foxes.

you really should

find a safer

place.

no reply, she just goes

back into her

shell

and gives me the cold

shoulder,

the silent treatment.

women.

conditional love

i'd do anything for you,

but that.

anything.

tell me what you want

me to do.

i'll do anything

for you,

but that.

tell me, make a list,

express what

you want from me.

what you want

me to do.

but

i'll do anything for

you, but that.

making the nest

i see a bird

with a twig flying to the tree,

then again,

with a strand of straw.

all day

he's getting the nest

ready.

it's that

time of year.

he's in love, apparently.

we've all

been there.

spelling doesn't matter

when teachers

could no

longer discipline students,

that was

the beginning of the end.

when they

took prayer

out of school, 

the pledge of allegiance,

when you no longer

had to dress

decently, and behave 

yourself

all hell broke loose.

when spelling no longer

mattered,

when you could sit

wherever you

wanted to in class, when

you demanded

to be called a girl

when you were

really a boy, it became

a giant

cup of crazy.

everyone

staring at their phones.

oblivious

to the words coming

out of the teacher's mouth.

do you know who i am

stuck in traffic

means

nothing to the black car

weaseling

its way

down the emergency

lane,

in an out of traffic.

his windows

darkened,

his four hundred

horse power

engine

with dual exhausts,

revving.

he's a menace

on the highway,

rushing, tailgating,

swerving.

trying desperately

to get an inch further

along

than everyone else.

but he's probably 

a good person deep inside,

right?

doubtful.

she's not in the office right now

i want a doctor

on call,

someone who makes house

visits,

someone

available by text

or phone.

someone in the office

not out

playing golf.

i want a doctor

who keeps reading,

keeps

learning,

who isn't tied down

to the hospital

script.

someone with

an open mind,

and a warm stethoscope

and bedside

manner.

i don't want to talk

to the receptionist,

the nurse,

the P.A..

i'd like to speak to an

actual doctor, hear

and  say actual words.

what could go wrong?

it's a bad

idea,

flying cars, or cars

that drive

on their own.

it's a crazy notion.

letting

machines

figure out the roads

as we sit

back with a ham

sandwich,

a bag of chips

and a bottle

of Stroh's.

what could go wrong?

the oil for food scandal

i should have

seen the red flags, 

married

to the felon

who betrayed his country

doing deals with

Saddam.

oil for food, as he skimmed

millions off

the top.

her man child son,

on the spectrum,

still in the basement at 33 

years old,

no job, no girlfriend,

one pair of clothes.

her married boyfriend next

door.

his mustache and boat,

his dope.

his geezer band.

i should have seen the clues.

the suicidal idealization,

anorexia,

the borderline

disorder.

a lifelong vegan.

all of it adding up

to a giant cup of crazy

and yet i asked her to marry me,

and she said.

i do.

is there room for me?

if I knew

someone in Paris.

i'd call them all the time.

it would

make me feel good

satisfying my curiosity.

i'd ask them

to say things in French.

tell me

what you're eating,

drinking.

tell me what do at night.

are you out dancing?

i'd get the low

down

on the Left Bank,

etc.

i'd ask them if i should

i come.

what do you think?

is there room for me?

if i show up,

will it be fun?

make your bed

i used to underline

passages

in the Bible,

during hard times.

so much so that the binding

broke

and the pages

fell out.

i was usually 

looking for work,

or going through a bad

relationship

or divorce.

illness.

worry. 

grieving over

the death of a loved one.

the usual human stuff

we all deal 

with.

did all that reading and

underling help.

a little, sometimes more

than a little.

but you still had to get

up, get dressed,

and go somewhere

the next morning.

making your bed

and time

seemed to help best.

dropping like fies

the young

man in the paint store,

as he's mixing

up my order, asks me how

my friends

and myself

handle old age.

diet, exercise?

i laugh

and resist the thought

of hitting him

on the head

with a broom handle.

so many have died,

i tell him.

cancers and heart attacks

mostly.

i count six easily, but

more if

pressed.

but there are a few still

around, i tell him.

now hurry up whipper

snapper,

i have to get back to work.

in a serious voice

in mid conversation,

talking

about the weather

and traffic.

the news.

sports

and music, she suddenly

stops

folding the towels

on her table

and says

in a serious voice,

the man next door,

she points with her

thumb,

he killed himself the other

day.

shot himself in the head.

as he sat in the sun

on his patio. 

we heard the bang.

his wife

was in the house

making dinner.

shed a tear or two

it's been

awhile since i shed tears.

being a man,

i don't really want to talk about it.

but the last

time

i had a really good

cry

was after reading a poem.

sadly

my own.

something to look forward to

the girl

blind in one eye

tells me

that she has a stripper

pole

in the basement.

the house came with it.

she adds in

that she's very flexible too,

but this is

after three glasses of wine.

i tell her i have

a bench

where i clean fish

in my basement.

mostly rock fish

from the bay.

we both

agree to visit one another

soon.

don't click on the link

i have it tattooed

on my hand.

don't click on the link

no matter who sends it.

no matter how funny

or strange or interesting

it might be.

it doesn't matter if

your holier than thou

mother

sends it,

don't click on it, or

else.

i guess we have to talk now

apathy

has set in.

i see it in the trees

the way

they sway

with indifference.

i see it in the clouds,

neither dark

or white,

just few strands of

a formless

grey.

the world is uninspired.

it's all done.

all written, all painted,

all sung.

there is nothing new

under the sun

so i guess we have to

talk to each other now,

you go first,

i'll follow.

coming and going, soon

i drive by

the old house, the two tall

trees

dying

beside the driveway.

the curtains

drawn tight.

there's no flowers

in the garden.

no face

in the window.

no wreathe.

no lights.

the door is closed.

a lifetime

over.

the sign will go up

soon.

just one more inside

to go.

why i never took drugs

i start with  monstrous

bowl

of buttered popcorn

and settle

into the couch

for a binge night of Netflix.

it's two in

the morning, but maybe

one more

episode.

the show goes on.

each ending with a cliff

hanger.

i can't stop myself from

clicking yes,

one more. one more.

this is why i never took

drugs.

a few dollars more

yes,

the price of meat is up.

eggs

and milk.

everything

is five dollars more.

gas is up,

cars cost

more.

a vodka tonic is

twenty dollars

now.

it's covid,

it's the war.

it's greed. it's the way

of the world.

fish in a bowl

do we see

eye to eye, ever?

or are we two goldfish

in a bowl

perpetually swimming

past each other,

hurrying

through our

days, never

stopping our fins, 

our tails,

as we circle

and circle, never lost,

but never finding

our way.

star gazing

the nearest star

is still

too far to away

to get to.

we don't have the light

years in us

to travel

that quickly, that far.

so we'll have

to stand here

and observe

with feet on the ground,

satisfied with what

we have

and where we'll

never go.

i want a sandwich to go

i don't want

to put things together.

i don't want to read the directions

and lay out

the nuts and bolts,

the various parts

and methodically twist

a screw

driver

and tap a hammer

until it's all done.

i want

to load the finished product

into the car

and take it

home.

i don't want to work for it.

same goes

for food.

i don't want to milk the cow,

kill and defeather

a chicken,

or break apart crabs with

a mallet

and pliers.

i want a sandwich on a plate,

ready to eat.

ready to go.

out of ink

i'm shocked

that this pen is out of ink.

how is that?

it seems impossible.

i have three hundred

and seventy-two black pens

that all look

exactly alike.

they roll around in the drawer

waiting

to be used.

how can one be out

of ink so soon.

they don't make anything

like they used

to.

down at the dojo

when i came home

from

work and she was dressed

in a white

karate outfit,

i asked her if it was Halloween

already.

she said no,

she had signed up

with Carlos,

the karate instructor,

down at the strip mall.

five days a week.

i asked her why she was

wearing lipstick

and perfume.

her hair was suddenly

blonder and she

was wearing

high heels.

it wasn't long before

i lawyered

up after catching

her at the dojo in a loving

embrace

with a triple black belt.

her one mistake

when she

asks you to go on a picnic

together,

you immediately

think of sex.

it's a given.

that

the relationship is

about to

to take the next step.

she's prepared

a meal

of sandwiches

and fruit, small

desserts and drinks.

she has linen napkins

and plates,

forks and spoons,

a red checkered table

cloth to set it all out on 

beside the lake.

she wants you to bring

your poetry

and read it to her.

that's her only

mistake.

the grill master

you can tell

he's in charge.

the big white hat on

his head

gives it away

as he overs over the grill

flipping meat.

he's the grill

master.

he adjusts the flames,

peppers

the steaks.

he knows when the dogs

are done,

the burgers just right.

we watch him

in awe,

the maestro with his 

spatula,

we wait.

la dee Dottie

la dee Dottie and

everybody

is lining up to be the next

president.

they're coming

out of the woodwork

all shined up

for the show.

what possesses

a person

to take on such an

unforgiving task.

half the world hates you,

while the other half

laughs.

you'd have to be crazy,

or an

egomaniac.

despite good bones

the restoration

is slow.

where to start?

the walls and floors

for one

the plumbing,

the wires,

the roof.

windows and paint,

appliances and more.

is it worth the effort

to save

this house, or best

to move on?

move on.

his hand trembled

when

his hand trembled

while

it rested on the table,

no one

thought he'd be dead

in a year.

he was tall.

handsome.

full of life.

and then like that,

no more.

just one night, please

it was a small room

in an old clapboard house

at the side of the road.

rooms for rent the sign said.

it was raining.

i was tired.

there was a small bed

with iron posts.

the bed was made.

two pillows

lay flat,

for resting your head.

there was a window

looking out to the gravel lot.

i could see my car.

the  thin curtains were a few

inches short of the sill.

once white, now

frayed and yellow.

i pulled the window up

to let air in.

the bathroom was down

the hall.

no books, no plants,

no television,

nothing of interest to

make it feel like home.

the Bible stolen from the drawer.

a picture on the wall

was gone, the square

of dust still there.

but it was for one night.

just one night alone, i told

the woman at the desk,

no luggage, one night,

and then i'd move on

from there.

public swimming

there was

always commotion.

chaos.

with whistles

blowing,

parents yelling to stay

out of the deep

end.

don't dive

off the side.

don't hang on the rope.

no running,

no fighting,

no smoking,

no floats.

you need

to wait an hour

after that egg salad

sandwich before going

in.

get out of the lap

lane.

don't hit your head

on the ladder.

put your goggles on.

don't pee

in the water.

fifteen minute break

starting now.

she brushes a leaf away

you can

see that they are in love.

he holds

her hand.

she brushes a leaf

from his shoulder.

no need to

talk

in the moment.

like food,

they eat when

they're hungry, speak

when

they have

something to say.

love is like that.

no sense in filling

the void,

the quietness

of love with

noise.

getting beach ready

i'm working

on my

pecs

i tell Susie, my trainer

down at the

gym.

nice, she says,

flexing

her tanned arms

in the mirror,

loading up

weights.

i raise the bar and accidentally

hit one of her hard

and pointed breasts,

shaped like

a giant mango.

it nearly takes my

eye out.

what about your calves,

she asked.

beach season is

right around

the corner,

your can't go to the beach

with your

calves looking

like that.

i'm not sure we have

enough time.

have you ever considered

implants?

her baby

the dog

traveled everywhere she went.

a small

dog

with a rhinestone

collar.

white and fluffy.

she had a carry on

cage

with a pink

cushion inside.

never married

or with child,

it was her baby.

her love,

her inspiration to get up

each day.

then it died.

she's never been

the same.

365 days

it was a year

of hard time, little sleep

or food,

no love

or affection, little

conversation.

the bed was

hard,

the walls and floor

cold.

there was no trust,

no

compassion,

no respect or honor.

just a year

of hard time,

punishment

without a crime.

i scratched

the days out

on the walls

of my cell

and then it was over.

free at last.

free last.

i'm not going back

to that living hell.

flattery will get you everywhere

i like that shirt

you're wearing she says.

touching the sleeve

as we prepare to go out

for the evening.

cotton?

hundred per cent,

i tell her,

and i ironed it myself.

nice, she

says,

you're so domesticated.

i tell her she looks lovely

in her pink dress,

with those legs you can

get away with a short

dress like that.

she smiles

demurely and says, oh you.

flattery will get

you everywhere.

we're in the early

stages of things, not one fight,

not yet.

temporary kings and queens

you can't be king

or queen

forever.

there is this thing called

death

and aging,

that gets in the way.

at some point

health

and beauty quickly 

fade

despite the long stretch

in the middle,

from the cradle

to the grave.

three inches of pollen

i take the vacuum

outside

to vacuum the pollen off

the new car.

it's about three inches

thick.

caterpillars are burrowing

down into 

the yellow layer

making new homes.

squirrels are lying in it,

making angel

impressions with their

arms and legs.

on the trunk

someone has etched in,

wash me.

on the sides too.

i need a longer hose

with a more powerful

nozzle.

the good and the bad

the traffic

can be bad around here,

but we don't

have lizards

and alligators.

which is a good thing

on the golf

course, or out walking

the dog.

sure, we have car

jacking,

and shootings,

muggings,

but the weather

is not bad, just a few

hot months in the summer,

but for the most part 

we have reasonably mild

temperatures all

year round.

no hurricanes at all,

and just the rare tornado

that seems

to land on trailer courts

or Wal-marts

in Charles county.

the therapist's office

i stop

by the therapist's office

to give

my old therapist,

Dr. Freud, a painting

and wallpapering

estimate,

she wants to jazz the place up

a little,

put some calming

colors on the wall,

and peel and stick wallpaper.

her waiting room is packed

solid

with twitching teenagers

and their zombie like parents.

legs are shaking,

eyes flickering, hands beating

invisible drums

as they stare into their phones.

i ring the bell

to let her know i'm here.

she's a mess.

she's gained weight, her hair is

grey,

no makeup, no smile,

she's gnawing on a twixt bar.

i think you need more than

paint here, i tell her.

just saying.

she whispers in my ear

as she lets me in.

people are crazy and getting

crazier she says.

i'm done in about five years.

what colors do you suggest?

black, i tell her, or

slate grey, perhaps midnight blue.

maybe padding

on the walls.

grape jelly

i live with this

spot

of purple

jelly on my white

shirt all day long.

a splatter from

the butter

knife

when making toast.

i hadn't noticed.

nothing

helps to remove it.

everyone points at

it and

asks what

happened.

i can't escape it.

i'm not

sure how i can go on.

tomorrow

they'll say,

what, no jelly today?

after i put 

a clean shirt on.

the crack of dawn

i regret

the rooster i bought

at the farm.

he remains

nameless

as he prances

around the yard.

although the neighbors

have chosen

a few

when the sun rises

at the crack of dawn.

lucky stars

i make a cold

wish

on a falling star,

drop

a coin into the well.

i rub

my rabbit's foot,

and avoid

ladders

at all costs.

i bend  knee

in prayer,

and yet still, i

don't feel

lucky, not yet.

the answer is out

there,

somewhere.

the perfect yard

i envy

the neighbor's yard.

his artificial

grass, so green, the bricks

aligned

in neat rows.

the fire

pit in the center,

four chairs

covered in 

flowered

tapestry,

a grill sparkling

clean

in the corner,

and edison lights

draped from

fence

to fence.

i've never seen anyone

out there,

just the dog

searching frantically

for a respectable place

to pee.

a chicken in every pot

it's almost

time again, the season

of promises.

the suits are pressed and clean.

the shoes

polished,

the dresses new.

the hair done.

the dentist has done

his work.

the skeletons

are in the closet.

they're lining up to tell

us how

they're going to

fix everything.

making vows of lower

taxes,

better schools,

no crime,

no war, just prosperity

and peace.

a chicken in every

pot.

it's almost showtime.

again.

don't wake me, i'll be

asleep.

the daily news

it's just tv,

i tell her, it's just a show.

it's not

real gore,

and violence,

robberies

and gun fire.

all that crime you see,

that's not real,

all that

blood on the street,

it's acting,

drama, Hollywood,

you have to suspend

your disbelief.

no she says, you're wrong,

i'm watching

the news.

channel three.

triple paned windows

do i miss

the bugs crawling in

to fly

or bite,

do i miss the breeze

searing in

of a window

not sealed,

not tight,

do i miss the conversations

going on

outside,

not too much,

but sometimes.

the best years

for some,

the early years were the best

years,

childhood

or high school.

they peaked.

they were king and queen

of the prom.

whatever they were

meant to achieve

had been done,

and it's downhill from there.

while others,

like you, or me,

we're still waiting,

still climbing 

the mountain,

still crawling upwards,

apparently,

we're not done.

what other secrets do you have?

i find you

in the bathroom nibbling

on a dark chocolate

easter bunny.

one ear is already gone,

there's chocolate

on your lips.

startled, you say what?

what are you staring at

me for?

don't you ever knock?

i'm staring at you

hiding in the bathroom

eating a giant

chocolate bunny.

so, so what.

it's mine. i deserve

chocolate once in a while.

do you want

an ear?

no, i don't. but i'm wondering

what else is there

that i don't know about you.

meh

more and more, 

it's ambivalence

that sets in

like a warm blanket

on a cold

night.

you just don't care

anymore

about so many things,

or people.

you just

don't give a bag of beans

about them,

seen or unseen.

it's not live and let live,

it's more of a shoulder

shrug and

saying meh

as you exhale and breathe.

don't shake the machine too hard

don't shake

the machine or me too hard,

i tilt

when

shaken.

keep the ball alive,

use your flippers

wisely,

be patient, but quick.

tap the side

when the ball 

needs to go in a different

direction.

don't be distracted

by the lights,

the pings

and bongs,

the music.

if the nickels 

held out,

i could play pin ball

all night long.

as Nero fiddles

i think it

started

with beatniks, although

i might be wrong.

perhaps the roaring twenties,

or before that

when Caligula

had it going on.

then the hippies

with long hair

and free love.

the hipsters,

generations x y

and z.

or maybe it started sooner,

like when

adam in his loin

cloth,

made a pass

at eve.