it's not me, really

the bank robber,
the rapist, the terrorist,
the thief,
the liars,
the abusers, the betrayers,
the cheaters, the deceitful
lost souls,
they all
plead mercy on the court
for reasons of insanity.
it's not who I
really am. the person inside
is good. honest. just
give me one more chance
and i'll prove it to you.
this time i'm serious about
turning over a new leaf.
yes, i've done this
over and over and over again,
I've tricked you
so many times,
I've made vows, made promises,
but now,
now that you've caught me
red handed for the fifteenth time
I want to say, whoops,
i'm sorry. really really sorry
this time.
it's not who I am,
none of it is my fault,
I'm wounded deep inside.
i'm a victim of circumstance.
it's like i'm in a trance.
my parents, my upbringing,
my youth,
my ex's, my life. i'm a victim.
this cruel world has put a spell
i'm me
and i'm not responsible
for all the bad things I
continue to do. they made
me this way,
they poisoned my life.
they're making me do these
things without remorse or feelings,
look at me, i'm praying, i'm
wearing a cross. i'm doing
the rosary.
i'm going to church,
i'm observing the holy days.
i'm going to synagogue,
i'm doing yoga, i'm speaking
in tongues, handling snakes.
i'm almost a buddhist,
i'm praying to mecca.
i'm praying over my meal. I
give money to the poor.
i'm genuflecting
to my God.
I have no
control over anything in
my life. not my mouth, my
arms, my legs. my fingers.
i'm like lucy pulling the ball
away from Charlie brown
when he's about to kick it.
laughing each time I yank it away.
I can't help myself from
being evil. i'm like an innocent baby
in a crib with no mind of my
own, no say, or power
to control actions and behavior.
as long as it's hidden
and no one knows, i'm okay.
people will actually believe
that i'm good, that the fake
image I present is the real me,
but no,
i'm at the mercy of
those devils who control me.
please, understand.
i'm sick, I won't do this again.
honest. it's not who
I really am,
and if you forgive me for
the hundredth time
and trust me once more,
you'll meet that wonderful
person. the true me,
the person I really am,
buried deep inside. come on,
everyone else let's me get
away with this behavior,
why won't you? and maybe if you
didn't know what I was doing,
you wouldn't feel so bad.
in fact, I think this is
all your fault.