under the tree

you make a list.
a Christmas list.
a wish list.
it's gotten shorter
over the years.
with death and distance
becoming a purchasing
factor.
especially this year.
which is a big
relief in some ways.
you are bad with
gifts and cards.
trying so hard
as you stare numbly
walking
through the mall,
clicking through
web sites for
jewels and lingerie,
things that you
hope she'll want, but
never will,
always getting the size
wrong. you
dig through
last year's envelopes
to find the addresses
of those you owe
a note this year.
did I send the red
card with the tree
last time,
or the blue one
with snow and stars.
so hard to remember.