social networking

i met my
lifecoach in
line at starbucks.
she was standing
behind me
multi-tasking on
her i pad, i phone,
texting on her
blackberry
and reading a
book while ordering
coffee and running
in place with her
three year old
adopted son,
vladimir from
the ukraine.
i ask her how she does
it all, get so
much done in a
single moment.
and she winks at
me, meet you outside
when i get my grande
soy skim
without foam extra
hot double cup
latte. i can help
you, she says, no
need to be such
a loser your entire
life, and i say but
i'm not a loser while
dripping hot coffee
onto my white t-shirt.
and she puts her
fingers to my lips,
shush, she says,
meet you outside.
i can help you.
you need to live more
social, and you say
what the hell does
that mean? shhh, she
says, outside.
so we met outside
and she says, tell
me about your face
book page, how many
friends do you have?
three so far, you
tell her, and one person
who died recently,
but i've only been
on for a year and i
have two more that
haven't confirmed
yet. i expect to get
more when i go to my
highschool reunion
next week.
she takes a look at
my phone, you
have nothing scheduled,
you have no apps,
she says, and you
show her your hands.
my fingers are too fat,
you tell her. see.
it's hard to press
just one key at a time.
what about groupon,
she says, stretching
her arms over head,
no, i'm worried
about the mercury.
groupon, she says
loudly, not grouper.
and twitter, please
tell me that you twitter.
i don't understand
twitter, you tell
her as she begins to
run in place,
with vladamir picking
up the pace, she's
typing everything
into her phone.
i'm tweeting
right now, she says,
telling all my friends
about you. look, how
old are you buddy?
my real age or my
internet dating age?
and she says, your
real age, so i tell
her and she sighs.
it might be too
late for you, but hey,
keep your chin up. i
took your picture
and will post it onto
my website to use you
as an example in
order to help
others change their
lives. it was nice
meeting you. i have
to get V to daycare.
bye. and as she runs
off i notice a long
strand of toilet paper
stuck to the bottom
of her running shoes,
but i decide not
to tell her.