marriage counseling

i'm so glad that
you both came in today.
i hope that these
sessions will be beneficial
and that we can smooth
out the rough spots
and get you two back
into a healthy loving
marriage. but before
we start there is coffee
and cake over there on
the counter, so please,
help yourselves
while i go over your
applications,
so you get up and go
over and your wife
says, hey, whatever
happened to ladies first,
do you mind, and you
say, but you don't
even drink coffee, or
like cake, and she
she says well maybe
today i do, and just
maybe she has hot tea
there too. maybe she
has some cookies over
there. so you shake your
head and mumble to yourself.
what did you just say,
she says. did you call
me a bitch. no, you
tell her, sneaking a look
over at the counselor.
i said i have an itch.
get the wax out of your
ears. and as you get your
coffee, you put a slice
of crumb cake onto
a paper plate and your
wife asks, why did you take
the largest piece?
and you laugh and say
maybe i'm hungry. well,
with that gut of yours
you shouldn't be eating
cake to begin with.
you never share, she
says, you are so freaking
selfish, this is why
we are here today. and
you look at her and say.
how many times this
week are you going
to wear that same
stupid yellow dress.
good god, how about
some variety. you're
too old to be wearing
a dress like that
anyway. oh really, she says,
and maybe you should try
some mouthwash sometime.
do you ever wonder why i
never kiss you anymore.
no, you tell her, i don't
wonder why, i'm actually
happy that you don't try
to kiss me anymore. it's
like kissing a dead
fish. a dead fish in a
yellow dress. bite me,
she says. you wish i'd bite
you, you tell her then
pour some cream into your
coffee and stir,
clinking the spoon
against the cup. excuse
me, your wife says pushing
you out of the way,
while she rummages though
the shelves looking
for a tea bag. there has
got to be one lipton
tea bag in this dump,
then you hear the door slam,
and you both look over
to the couch where
the therapist was
sitting, but she's gone.
the application ripped
in half on the floor. it's
all your fault your
wife says, as she finds
a tea bag and proceeds
to make a cup of tea.
hand me that spoon, no,
the other one. the one
you didn't lick.