my new phone

i have big
plans to buy
a new phone.
a super phone,
with wings and lots
and lots of colorful
aps and stuff.
i have been
told recently
that i am lumbering
about in this
high tech world
like a dinosaur
during the ice age.
i resent that.
but i understand
completely why
she thinks that
way. staring
at her blackberry
in her hand is
like looking at
chinese algebra,
but i'm game, i
can do this. so
i'm signing up for
the best, the most
complicated, the
most expensive
phone i can find.
and i'll wear it
on a chain around
my neck like a
gangsta rappa just
to prove a point.
it will take pictures,
movies, it will sing,
it will mow my lawn,
it'll take the trash out,
get stains out
of the carpet,
it'll help the kids
with their homework.
it will improve my
love life. it will
send e mails
and texts, and
it will tell me
where i'm supposed
to be every day
of the month. it
will be my personal
assistant, my girl
friend, my bud, my
go to point of
reference when i need
to google a dating
site, or find out
where the nearest
dairy queen might be.
i'll never be lost
with this phone,
not geographically
or spiritually. truly
my life will change.
but okay. how do i
turn it on?