the third and final marriage

my third and final
marriage will be the one
to watch. the one to
set the standard of being
in love happily ever
after. you'll see.
i haven't gone out on
four thousand and sixty
seven dates for nothing.
i've learned alot
in these last ten years,
such as, never ever
date married women,
or pregnant women, or
women with their wedding
pictures still up on
the wall. or no job.
watch out for 'the lady
in red', or the one
who wants to come to
your house carrying a
six pack of bud in
a rose embroidered dress,
be careful with the tattooed
ones, or the ones with
piercings who look like
their faces fell into
a tackle box of hooks,
lines and sinkers,
be leary of those with
no money, no time, no
energy or who have never
read a book, and a rash
that comes and goes,
or women with the jimmy
leg, or women with one
arm shorter than the
other. don't go out
with blind women in
ohio, or women with
a bad case of psoriasis,
or women whose husbands
are sleeping on the couch
in the basement. don't
date women with money
problems, or who need
constant mental health
care, or women with more
than two cats, or two
dogs. stay away from
the women who are sex
phone operators with
seven kids from three
different husbands,
or who have a blackberry
glued to their hand and
have to pee every ten
minutes, or the ones
who who wear baby blue
jump suits with zipppers
down the back. don't date
women who are prison
guards and carry a gun
in their purse. or women
without a car, or who
can't or won't drive at
night, or women who
knit things to hang
on the wall. steer
clear of the women
with names like brandy,
or bambi, or candy,
or mandy who say they
love you on the very first
date. or who send
you pictures of themselves
jumping naked on a bed.
i'm just saying.
be careful out there.
it's a jungle. it's a
madhouse, but when my
ship comes in, i'm done.
i'll live forever in
marital bliss. can i
get an Amen on that?