hit the button and pray

i'm setting the bar low
she tells me as she fills out
her profile
for e harmony.
i'm not in search of my
next soul mate,
or cell mate, she types,
I just want a date,
how does that sound?
perfect, I tell her,
and maybe add in,
have a human head
and a ten tattoo limit.
that sounds mean, she says.
okay, okay, don't,
but i'm warning you,
ever since the prison
system handed out
laptops to felony
offenders in the can
you're going to get a lot
of strange men writing to you.
oh, and if I was
you, I wouldn't put that bikini
picture on of you
in the hot tub,
or the one where you're
peeling a banana.
but, it's just a banana.
whatever, I tell her.
and take out the part about
you're a professional woman,
what are the options,
amateur status?
okay, she says. got it.
and no pictures of kids,
or plants, or cakes, or fish.
but men like to fish.
yeah, I know, but just don't.
and take out the pictures
of your best friends.
they're all too pretty and sexy.
it will reduce your chances.
okay, she says, staring at me
as she gulps from a bottle
of red wine.
anything else?
nah, that should do it.
hit the button and pray.