time of the season

my friend jimmy recently got
religion. he's converted to a hybrid
set of  beliefs which he calls
the book of jimmy. he's working
on a mission statement, and some
commandments, or suggestions,
as he likes to put it. he starts off
his book by saying there is a time
for drinking wine and a time for
drinking wine in great abundance,
like when his ex wife calls him for
another bump in alimony,
or he loses another bet on one
of his favorite sports teams.
there is a time for grilling he says,
and a time, for ordering chinese
delivery. there is a time
to take a nap, and then there
is a time to not take one,
which is rare.
there is a time to spend
money on dumb things like a new
car when you don't need one,
and another time to dig
through the couch cushions to
find change in order to buy a cup
of coffee from seven eleven.
there is a time to look through
someone's medicine cabinet,
and a time to not to look and just
cross yourself and your fingers
and hope for the best.
in jimmy's new religion,
there won't be any of that up and down
business that churches put you through,
like a monkey on a string. all that, okay
kneel, sit, pray, stand, chant
and hit your chest confusion that goes
on constantly, but instead you can
lie down in your own pew
with a little pillow and
stare up at the ceiling where there
will be big screen televisions.
every pew station will have a box
of remotes too. and wi-fi.
and a box of chilled junior mints.
and when it's time
for collection and the basket is
passed around, you'll be able to
sift through the bills to break down
a twenty, or a five if you don't
feel like things are going great
that week with the all powerful.
you can even leave a note, like
sorry, but i'm tapped out right
now, catch you next week, brother.
his commandments such as thou
shalt not text during a big game,
or when on a hot date, or thou
shalt not ask your friends to help
you move again, or drink tequila
and try to jump off a motel
balcony into a swimming pool
are all kind of weak,
but he's working on them while
meditating and eating
chips and salsa. i can honestly
say that he's not really
a changed man, but there
is some clarity
now that he's written
these things down.