no petunias

I need some help writing
my profile that I'm posting
on get a date dot com,
your friend Jennifer
tells you over the phone.
she's already had at least
two glasses of wine.
tell me how this sounds, she
says. I am fun and smart.
I like to read, and stay fit
by walking or riding my bike.
I have two cats and one dog.
my two kids are no longer
living with me, so I am free
as a bird, but would like
to build a new nest with
someone special. oh, and I
like baseball and football.
also I love to go camping
and fishing. i love to snuggle
in front of a fireplace,
and sleep in late on
sunday mornings, especially
with someone special.
what do you think she says?
that's not too suggestive,
is it? I have two pictures
on there too, my
work photo, which is airbrushed
so that I look perfect
and a bikini photo from
when I went to the beach
last summer. I'm very tanned
and wet coming out of
the ocean. i also have a
picture of the petunias
in my back yard.
soooo, she says?
well. for one thing, men
don't read profiles,
you tell her. men skip
right past all of those
words. men look at three things.
age, weight, location,
then they look at the photos.
so, I could say that I won
the nobel prize, or that
I'm a brain surgeon saving lives
everyday and men won't care.
yup, you tell her.
bikini pic trumps all.
men don't care if you're
working at an I hop
flipping pancakes and
living in a double wide
if you still look hot
in a bikini.
how do you know all of this,
she says, gulping down
her wine. just hearsay, you
tell her, stuff I've heard
at the coffee shop. oh, and
one more thing.
men don't care about
the petunias in your back yard.
get rid of that picture.