joining the ministry

my certificate
to the ministry
arrived the other
day in the mail.
with it came a large
collection basket
with an extension pole
for those long pews,
and a flow chart of
the main players in
today's religions.
i applied online
to a place called
'ministry certificates
online'. they only
needed a credit
card number, no
questions were asked
about what
my ministry might
be about. which i
was glad of, because
i don't quite
have all the particulars
nailed down.
i'm shopping for
a robe now, not black
or white, nothing
traditional, perhaps
something pastel. i
lean towards lavendar
or a nice shade of
blue with white piping.
i have nothing
planned as far as
sermons go, i might
just wing it, yell
alot and then
whisper and shake
my head like i see
them do on tv. close
my eyes and have
someone behind yelling
out amen to whatever
it is i come up with.
but i have a few
ideas mostly to do
with behavioral issues,
nothing too religious.
i could easily do twenty
minutes on people
not using their
turn signals without
even looking at my notes, or
how flip flops are not
appropriate shoe attire
twenty four seven. i
think i might need
a nice hat too, sort
of like the one the
pope wears, but
taller and with a red
blinking light on top
to keep everyone's
attention. it would
be so large that i
could keep a sandwich
in it in case i got
really hungry with all
that gyrating going on.
or is it down, i get
that mixed up.