why and what next

after a cold
ice shower, i towel
myself dry,
wrap it around me,
then lean
forward into the mirror
and examine
our patient.

i dim the lights.
such realism is unnecessary.
i check
my pulse. yes. i'm still
alive,
despite the grey
of me, the bones of my
ribs
showing. the trembling
of hand.

despite the deepening
of lines,
the carving
of life
upon my face.
i'm still here.

despite
all things. both love
and death taking their toll.
i'm still here.

still wondering why
and what next.