what happens in the dentist office stays

I begin by telling my dentist
how beautiful she looks today.
did you lose weight or something.
fall in love?
my god there's an aura about you.
heaven must be missing an angel.
why thank you.
very kind of you to say. I am
actually seeing someone.
you are quite perceptive.
she turns her head, blushing.
can I ask you something, I say
to her, it's sort of a favor?
sure, anything.
well would you mind removing
this mole from
the side of my forehead.
see it, it looks an abe
Lincoln copper penny stuck there.
she says, what?
I can't do that. that's crazy.
i'm a dentist. look, I tell her,
i'm here, you're
here, you have all these
sharp instruments. you're practically
a doctor. numb me up and scrape
that sucker off. i'm sick
of looking at it
and answering questions about it.
oooh, what's that, people say.
better have it looked at!
I have cash.
oh, but I can't do that, she
says, putting her hands into the air.
i'm not a dermatologist.
shhh. alright, alright, calm down.
shut the door, I tell her.
I take out a hundred dollar
bill and slip it into
the pocket of her smock. not enough?
okay, playing hardball. I slip
in another hundred.
it's yours, I tell
her. go out with your new guy,
dinner movie, whatever.
no one needs to know,
I whisper to her.
it's between you and me.
go grab a scalpel or something
and zippity do da. okay?
stick a band aid on the wound
and no one is the wiser.
I slap my hands together
and rub them back forth.
no. she says. now don't ask
me again, or i'm going to hurt
you. now open wide, I need
to stuff your mouth
with some cardboard
and take a few x-rays.