self improvement

you begin a daily
regimen of lifting weights
and eating
only healthy foods.
you are tired of women
taking your lunch
money and calling
you a sissy boy.
within weeks
the veins and muscles
are popping
out of your skin.
the buttons on your
shirt spring off
in the middle of
the day, when you
flex, or reach over
to grab a handful
of granola and raisins.
people begin to take
notice and say
things like, oh my,
aren't you a strong
boy. you begin
to help people with
stuck pickle jars, or
opening anything
vacuum wrapped. you like
the reaction you are
getting. so you lift
more and more weights,
soon, your head looks
like an apple on top
of a coke machine.
you go to a tanning
salon to get that
rotissiere chicken look.
wet and greasy,
the muscles gleaming.
people can't take
your eyes off of you,
grown men say excuse
me and go to the other
side of the street when
they see you coming.
before long there are
no longer any store made
clothes that fit
you so you make ponchos
out of bedsheets.
you can no longer tie
your shoes, unable to
bend, so you wear
sandals or flip flops.
finally you have achieved
the first stage
of the new you.
now it's time to buy
a book and read one.