pre-marital counseling

i was walking down the street
the other day when i was suddenly
accosted and thrown into the back
of a moving van. a bag was
thrown over my head and before
you know it i was unconcious
from a rag full of ether. when i came
to i was blindfolded and tied to a
chair. a hand was gently tapping me
on the cheek, hey buddy, you okay,
wake up, wake up. who is that, i said,
it sounds like tony. do i know you?
yeah, it's me big tony. what's that
smell?  that's baked zita, little tony
is in the kitchen making us lunch.
what's going on, why did you kidnap
me? long story, kid, he said, but it's
for your own good. he took off
the bindfold and untied me. what's this
all about, i said. he put his hand on
my shoulder. sit still, he said,
hear me out. i sniffed the air
and could see little tony in the kitchen
over a hot stove, stirring sauce
in a pot. have we ever steered you
wrong, tony said, lighting a cigar.
in the few weeks that we've known
each other, what have we done for
you? winning tickets at the track, right
nothing but winners. we like you.
well, now we want to help you some
more. little tony said he saw you the other
night at the movies. yeah, so.
well, he said the dame you were with
had a ring on her finger and you two were
pretty chummy. so what. i took my
girl to the movies. The Artist. it was
a great movie. whatever, he said.
i'm done with silent movies, i prefer
the talkies. doesn't mattter. what matters
here is this. you and her are engaged to
be married, right? yeah, so what's
it matter to you, i love her.i looked around
the room. on the table were buckets of
water. what's with the water? you're not
going to water board me with those are
you? he started laughing, hey little tony,
did you hear that. little tony raised
the wooden spoon with dripping red
sauce and shook his head. nah kid. you
got no worries from us. that's for later.
we're doing some pro bono work for the
feds down at the port authority.
so back to you. what happened when you
got divorced the last time? i shrugged my
shoulders, i don't know. crying, misery,
sadness. it was horrible. okay, and what
happened to all your money, your house,
your savings, your retirement? where did
it go when you got divorced? she got half
i said. half of everything. not to mention
alimony, child support, the nice
car. exactly my point, he said, and for what?
was she crippled or something, no.
did she work, did she save, did she
contribute? don't answer that, i can see
by the look on your face that the answer
is no. well, we're here, me and little tony
to tell you don't do it. don't get married,
we don't want you to lose half again.
we don't even have those kind of percentages.
we might get thirty or forty per cent,
but never half.  never, he said, using his
cigar for a pointer, never sign a business
contract over an emotion. emotions
are like the weather. you're in love,
you're out of love, its cloudy, it's sunny.
but, but....no buts jimmy, we are here
to help you. but why are you doing this
for me, why are you telling me these things?
we like you and maybe we'll need a favor
some day. but listen to what i'm saying.
live with her, don't sign anything.
you ain't having kids no more and that
house with the picket fence and the little
dog in the freaking window, that
boat sailed a long time ago. okay, okay,
relax. get up, straighten your tie.
you might want to change your pants,
they look a little wet. you can go now.
think about what we said. he folded
a slip of paper and put it in my hand.
here's a number, that's the winner at
the track in the fifth race. rosebud.
go make some money. have fun.
little tony is gonna wrap you up
some ziti to take home. hey little
tony, put some garlic bread in there too.
and maybe some meatballs in that
little tupperware container on top
of the icebox.  he put his
hands on my shoulders and said,
look at me jimmy. don't do it. don't
get married. you're getting plenty of milk,
ain't ya? well, no need to buy the...well,
you know what i mean. now get out
of here kid, sorry if we roughed you up
a little, but we like you. he looked at his
watch, little tony, let's go. we have to
get down to the port authority before
rush hour. little tony handed me my
bag of baked ziti and bread, then
they showed me out.